(inspired by a true story)
Home sweet home.
After a long day of putting up with assholes and making stupid sandwiches, Gerard is finally home. His back hurts and he feels like yelling at the void, and though a nap sounds like a great idea right now, he needs to blow off some steam.
He crosses the small apartment he shares with his brother to the hallway and goes straight to his room. Perhaps it's not fancy, but at least he's got some privacy and more freedom than back when he lived with his folks. A few months ago, when Mikey asked him if he wanted to move out with him, the idea sounded crazy and he didn't see the point, especially when he had to get an actual job to be able to afford rent, but now – he gets it.
It's not like he has a crazy life, or anything – he mostly spends his days locked in his room, drawing or reading comics. But at least no one's going to make a big deal of him smoking inside, or catch him jerking off. So, that's nice.
Once he's back in his Star Wars PJs, he sits on his makeshift desk and starts sketching. He's not sure what the outcome will be, he just knows he needs to create something. Whether it's a new character, or that insane monkey he's been thinking of lately, this is the best part of Gerard's day.
Creating.
It's his purpose in life.
He might not know what he's doing with his life right now, or how to be a functional adult, but the one thing he does know is that he was born to be an artist. And the fact that his parents agreed to send him to art school and that by third grade he knew he wanted to be a comic book artist, is enough for him to keep working on it. Even when all the opportunities he's got since graduating have been as an intern, working as a copy boy at an office, and things that have nothing to do with art. Even when the only paying job he got so far is at the Subway down the street. None of that matters to him. The only thing that keeps him going is using whatever free time he has to make art.
It doesn't have to make sense or be decent. He just needs to tell a story, or let out all his frustrations. Whatever helps. It's almost like therapy. As long as he has paper and pencil – or whatever he can find –, Gerard can spend hours in his own world.
He doesn't even hear the knock on his door, and it's not until Mikey walks in that Gerard realizes his brother is home. 'Oh, shit!' he lets out a yell. 'What the fuck, dude? What if I was naked or having sex?'
Mikey laughs at him, and throws himself at the mattress lying on the floor. 'That's funny. As if you'd be having any sex as of late.' Touché. Mikey's right, but Gerard isn't going to admit that. 'Besides, I was knocking like a maniac and you didn't hear it.'
'Sorry, I was too focused on this panel. It's finally working somehow, so I just lost myself in it.'
Mikey reaches for one of the finished sketches on the desk. 'What is this one about?'
'I'm not sure yet. I just thought of this character who's sort of a superhero, trying to bring capitalism down.' He shrugs it off as if it's no big deal. It still needs a lot of work, and maybe it's just him tired of having to work a minimum wage job in order to survive, when all he really wants is to make art.
'It has potential –' Mikey tells him, which Gerard appreciates. Mikey has always been his biggest fan, and back when they were kids, Gerard would always make little comics for him.
'You think?' Mikey gives him the sketch back, and Gerard puts everything away. It's way too late, and he should be going to bed, since he has to go to the office in the morning. 'You just got out of work?' he asks his brother, who just shakes his head.
'I went to this party,' he says, giggling. That explains the booze smell coming out of his breath. 'It was rad. You should come with me one of these days.'
'Thanks, but no. You know I don't like that kind of stuff.'
'C'mon! You need to have some fun!'
Gerard can't help rolling his eyes at him. Who says he doesn't know how to have fun? He's having fun right now! Not everyone needs to party and do drugs in order to enjoy life. He loves Mikey, and they have so many things in common, but when it comes to things like this, he can be so obtuse.
'I'll think about it.' He already knows his answer won't change.
***
When Gerard comes home a few days later, he can't help noticing the noise. For a second, he thinks it must be his next door neighbors, but the closer he gets, he hears some familiar voices.
Shit.
He just wanted to take a nap after work, and now his apartment, which he pays half the rent for, is full of people. Not only are his plans ruined, but he's already hyperventilating just thinking of all the people he's being forced to socialize with. He hates Mikey so much right now.
Just as he's considering walking away and going to his parents' house, the door opens, and his younger brother is standing right in front of him. Mikey doesn't say a word, but his face is enough to know what he's thinking. Gerard knows he's judging him.
'Hey, what's going on?' Gerard asks with a shaky voice, not making eye contact as he walks in. He looks around, evaluating the scene. 'You didn't tell me we were having a party –' He makes sure his tone tells him Mikey should have asked him first.
'Nothing much. Just invited some friends over.'
Some? There must be at least twenty people in this tiny ass apartment, Gerard notices. 'What is the occasion?'
'The cops interrupted our party at Alex's place, so I told them they could come here.'
'Are you fucking kidding me?' Gerard whispers, even though he's angry enough to scream right now. 'I have to work tomorrow. Don't you have anywhere –'
But before he finishes his sentence, someone approaches him from behind, wrapping an arm around Gerard. 'Hey, man!' It's Ray, one of his and Mikey's childhood friends, and he's drunk as fuck. 'I haven't seen you in ages!'
All Gerard can do is nod and fake a smile. 'Hey, dude.'
Meanwhile, Ray plays with his black hair, and notices the logo on Gerard's shirt. 'You work at Subway? I didn't know that!'
'I do.' Gerard tries not to laugh, because he's never seen his friend this intoxicated and it's sort of funny.
'C'mon! Let's get you a drink.' And how can he say no to his dear friend?
The gathering is nothing crazy. Everyone's smoking pot or drinking cheap beers, laughing at dumb jokes or talking about some of the bands they work with. And it's not that Gerard doesn't like to drink, he just prefers to do it on his own. So, he just listens as Ray tells him about tonight's show. 'We should totally start a band, Gee!' his nerdy friend says excitedly, then proceeds to introduce him to some of the other guys, who are apparently in a band called Pencey Prep. The two guys who have been talking about comic books with them are Shaun and Hambone, while another one just sits on the couch, high as a kite, laughing at whatever they say.
Frank, Ray says his name is.
Frank.
He looks somewhat younger than them, though he already has a couple tattoos on his arms, and one of his bandmates mentions he's one semester away from graduating college.
Frank.
Gerard knows he's going to be thinking about him for a while. His faded faux hawk and tattoos give the impression he's a tough guy, but his face is way too pretty. A tiny round nose and soft lips, adorned with a piercing. Gerard is an artist, an admirer of beauty, and Frank's face is pure art.
Gerard knows it's too soon to say he's in love, and it's not like he believes in that shit, but he also knows Frank is going to leave a mark.
So, maybe he does need a drink.
By the time everyone starts to leave, Gerard is way too intoxicated and everything's blurry. But he does notice the girl talking to Frank. She's gorgeous, and she clearly makes Frank smile like an idiot. Of course, Frank is straight.
Fuck my life, Gerard thinks and heads to his room.
***
No matter how much Gerard tries to forget Frank, the pretties straight guy Gerard has ever met, it's impossible. They barely exchanged a few words, and he doubts Frank can even remember him. But of course, Gerard is stupid enough to fall for a straight guy.
So, he's been drinking nonstop for the past week, feeling sorry for himself. Wishing he was brave enough to go find a random guy and sleep with him, hoping that would help. But the thing is, Gerard is way too awkward and he doesn't know how to do that – hence his lack of experience.
If it wasn't for that time he and his friend from college got drunk and fuck in a bathroom, Gerard would be a virgin at twenty-four.
Instead, he does the only thing he knows how to do. He grabs his sketchbook and his markers and makes art. All those things he doesn't dare to say out loud, the things he wasn't even aware he was feeling.
Frustration.
Deception.
Anger.
At society, for making him feel less for who he loved. At God, for making him gay even though it was supposed to be a sin. At himself, for falling for someone who couldn't reciprocate his feelings.
Hammered and brokenhearted, Gerard put all of his feelings into paper, just trying to let it all out. It's not until he's done that he realizes what he's done.
Of course.
The only thing Gerard has been thinking about for a week is Frank. So, now a portrait of Frank's face is staring at him.
It's not his best. Gerard immediately notices all the little details where he fucked up. The fingers look kind of crooked and Frank's hair looks weird. But his face –
It's scary how much it looks like Frank, and Gerard hates himself even more.
He considers tearing the paper in tiny pieces, throwing it away, and even burning it. But he doesn't even have the energy for that, so he leaves it for later. He'll take care of it in the morning, when his head isn't throbbing. For now, he just leaves it on his desk, and goes to bed.
***
When he opens his eyes again and sees his brother standing by the corner, he almost jumps off his mattress. 'Fuck off!' Gerard mumbles, hiding from the sun behind his arm. Everything hurts and he wants to die.
'You slept in,' Mikey says, nonchalantly.
Shit.
Gerard reaches for his watch on the night stand. It's almost noon. Fuck! He's definitely going to lose his job.
'Don't worry,' his brother says, reading his mind. 'I texted your boss and told her you were sick, throwing up so bad you couldn't even bother to make a call.'
Gerard gives him a confused look. He's not sure if he should be scared at how Mikey got his boss' number, or if he should thank him for saving his ass. When he doesn't say anything, Mikey continues. 'Huh? Is this Frank?'
It takes Gerard a minute to realize what his brother is talking about, but when he sees Mikey holding the drawing he did the night before, he can't run fast enough to snatch it from him. 'What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't I have some privacy?'
Mikey doesn't reply, and just gives him the famous Mikeyway stare as he leaves the room. That fucker already knows Gerard's secret, and he knows he's going to use it against him one day.
***
What Gerard wasn't expecting was coming home the next day to find Frank sitting on the couch, watching TV with his brother. They're just watching in silence, drinking Diet Cokes. Gerard knows it's best if he just avoids this whole thing, and walks into the kitchen to grab a piece of pizza to take to his room, where he plans to stay until Frank leaves.
Gerard was just starting to move on, trying not to think of him, and now he's here, sitting on his stinky couch.
As he makes his way to his room, he notices Mikey giving him a look, and then handing something to Frank. 'Look, man,' Mikey says.
Frank takes whatever he's been handed and looks at it. 'It's me? This is amazing!' Frank says excited, twisting something in Gerard's heart. How can someone be this adorable? 'Did you do it?' he asks Mikey, surprised.
Gerard's brother just smiles and gives him a look. 'Nah. I'm not good at this. It was Gerard,' he says, pointing at his older brother, who immediately freezes on the spot.
That's when Frank looks at him for the first time, his half lidded eyes piercing straight through Gerard, as if he knew his darkest secret. 'This is –' Frank tries to say, struggling to find the words. 'Wow!'
But Gerard can't take any of this, so he turns around and runs to his room, where he plans to stay for the rest of his days.
***
Gerard is already planning on moving back to his parents'. Maybe even moving far away from Jersey. Whatever it takes so that he doesn't have to see Frank again.
It was already awkward to be around him, being himself and knowing he had a gigantic crush on him, and now Frank was aware of just how weird he was, drawing him even though they barely knew each other.
He tries to distract himself with work, or just avoiding stopping by the apartment for a while, at least until he figures out what he's going to do. He knows the chances of Frank being there are low, but he doesn't want to risk it.
So, on his day off, he goes to the café around the corner, and sits there to keep working on that story about the anti-capitalist hero. Perhaps this is his sign to move on to the next thing. Get out of the house more. Live a little.
He has no idea how long he's been sitting there, when someone calls his name behind him. 'It's Gerard, right?'
Fuck.
No way.
Out of all of the places –
Gerard just wants to grab his things and run the hell out of there. But as soon as he gets up from the chair, Frank is standing in front of him. He's shorter than he thought.
And standing way too close to him. 'I stopped by to get a coffee before class,' Frank says, smiling. 'I wasn't sure if it was you, but I saw you drawing, so – I just wanted to say –'
Is this him telling Gerard to leave him alone?
Gerard can't breathe. He really fucked up.
But before Gerard can even move or react, Frank is taking a step closer and wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Gerard isn't sure what to feel.
It's nice and warm, and Gerard knows he's being honest. Probably forgiving him for being obsessed with him. Unaware of the fact that Gerard has been panicking for days, the kind of panic when you fall in love with someone who can't love you back.
Frank will never know what that's like.
And just when Gerard thinks it can't get any worse, Frank pulls apart and grabs his face with both hands, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
It's over before Gerard realizes, and he just stands there, paralyzed as Frank walks away without saying a word.
TO BE CONTINUED...
*********
Holy fuck this story got a little too long, so I had to make it into two parts! Anyway, thank you to everyone for reading it, and can't wait to hear your thoughts! (and thank you to my friend who let me write a frerard version of their story <3)