I see Mariusz only in the mornings for breakfast and the evenings for dinner. And at night, of course. Following Selician royal tradition, we are to sleep together in this single apartment for forty nights until we move into the ducal suite with its separate bedrooms. At least, we sleep in the same room, he on the bed and me on the chaise. He has never forbidden me the bed, but he is always first in it at night, and I dare not get in after him. Each morning, I hurry to put my blanket back and smooth the chaise cushions before the servants enter. Sometimes in the afternoon, I claim the bed myself for a nap. The pillows smell like Mariusz now. Like his perfume, and the sweat of his body beneath it. It seems like a trespass, even when he absent, to lie there. And because it seems like a trespass, I take pleasure in it.
I am sleeping in the bed when King Edmund comes to say goodbye five days after our wedding. He wakes me by saying my name, and in the depths of my dream I think it is my father's voice calling to me. When I open my eyes and see my uncle standing over me, I feel as though I could stab him all over again.
"What do you want?" I crawl out of bed and get to my feet.
"To speak to you alone for a moment." He steps back to give me space as I straighten my dress and hair. "I'm going back home today. I won't see you again for a long time, I imagine. I think it will be best if my presence here is limited."
"We do not need to be alone for you to tell me that. In fact, you might have let a servant inform me."
"Come, Alexandra. You know that's not all I have to say."
"Then what else?"
He watches me, his lips tight at the corners. "I thought I was doing well by you when I arranged for you to come here, but I am not sure now. You are not happy here."
"I am always unhappy when I am near you."
"I am ever the scapegoat for your misery. Perhaps it was useless to try and make you happy. Perhaps all I can do is make you safe." He looks at the rumpled bed. "If that were the case, you would be have been better off in the tower."
"Am I in danger here? No one has threatened me."
"You must be aware they are hostile towards you."
"And aware why. Why did you send me here, if you knew everyone was going to hate whomever you sent to marry Mariusz? Or perhaps that is why. You wish to preserve your daughters from the unhappiness of being hated. Me, I'm quite used to it. I'm very comfortable with being hated."
A surprising smile breaks out across King Edmund's face. "And that is why I sent you here. You are wilful, cynical, cold-hearted, and very often cruel."
"To punish me, then."
"No. Those are qualities you will need to survive. If I must send one of my loved ones to a court of vipers and wolves, I will choose the tiger, not the lamb."
I am not one of his loved ones. I cannot be, for I hate him. But I cannot contain the faint thrill of pride at being called a tiger. My cousin Viktoria, the same age as me, was always compared to me, not just by my mother and hers, but by others within the Rothalian Court. She was always the one people liked better. She was prettier, more agreeable, more smiling. Secretly, I always thought her more than a little conniving.
"The best thing for you to do would be to make friends of some of them," King Edmund continues. "Mariusz, of course, and also his friends. His mother, if you can. She is a highly principled woman and would be a worthy ally."
"I don't believe tigers are friendly creatures. Besides, Mariusz has already told me he does not wish to be friends."
"And you accepted his wishes so complacently?"
"Can I so easily deny them? Friendship cannot be forced upon a man."
"I said nothing about force, though I would not expect you to use feminine wiles. Ungentle resistance is your usual practice, is it not?"
"A pleasant euphemism for force."
"A necessary distinction from it. He is not—"
My uncle pauses as the hall door opens, and Mariusz himself enters. His expression is unusually sullen this afternoon. He bows to King Edmund.
"I apologize. I will leave you the room."
"No, wait, Prince Mariusz. Come here. I wish to talk to you too."
He comes through to the bedroom and stops near the door. "Yes, sir?" His tone is deferent, but reluctant.
King Edmund looks from Mariusz to me then back again, his eyes uncertain. Is he going to ask Mariusz to be friends with me?
"Don't overstep your bounds, King," I snap.
"Oh, hush, Alex. I am allowed to gather my thoughts, even in your impatient presence. Especially, I should think. You have a scattering effect."
Mariusz makes a sound in his nose that might be a laugh, but his eyes are unsmiling. Today, they are not quite meeting mine, nor the king's either. His gaze hovers somewhere about my knees, and there is a thin line between his brows.
"I just want to wish you luck and happiness before I go," King Edmund says after a pause. "This may be a political match, but you both have my sincerest blessing and good wishes."
"Thank you, your majesty." Mariusz looks anything but happy. Nonetheless, he steps forward to accept the kiss my uncle lays on his cheek.
King Edmund gives me a look of resignation. "Alexandra?"
"I need not your good will, sir."
"You have it regardless. You both it have it. And if ever you find that you need my help, in personal or political matters, I hope you will not hesitate to seek it. You are family now."
He speaks to Mariusz more than me. He knows I will never seek his help. Mariusz bows his head in silent assent, or perhaps merely silent acknowledgement.
King Edmund gives me one last, regretful look. "Farewell, Alexandra."
"Goodbye."
"Mariusz. Farewell."
"Farewell, Your Majesty." Mariusz bows low as King Edmund leaves the room. When he is gone, he flings himself down on the bed in the mess I have made of the sheets. He stares at the ceiling, his face still sullen. If I am not mistaken, there are tears in his eyes.
"Are you in pain? Are you sick?"
His bright eyes glare at me. "No."
"You look like you're crying."
"I was saying goodbye to Maria. She is leaving with the king today." He wipes his eyes. "I hate goodbyes."
There is something off-putting about seeing him cry. I never cried much, even as young child. My mother had no patience with tears. Even when my father was executed, even before then, when he was imprisoned and tried, I did not cry. I can't even remember the last time I did. I must have been very young. I don't know what to do when other people cry either. If this were anyone else but Mariusz, I would simply leave. I try to think of something comforting to tell him.
"She'll be very well looked after in Rothalia. My cousin Christian is very gentle and respectful to women."
Mariusz gives me no response. He stares at the ceiling, his mouth tight.
"I'm sorry she's going," I say after a while. "I'm sorry for you. But she's not gone yet. You could spend a little more time with her, until the carriage leaves. You could even go with them to the station."
"Are you trying to make me feel better?"
"Yes."
He gives a short, breathy laugh. "There, you made me laugh. My mood lightened for a moment. You have succeeded in your object."
"There's no need to be sarcastic. I'm just trying to be kind."
"I don't want your kindness. I want to be sad. By myself." He meets my eyes. "Please, leave me alone, Alexandra."
"You will not let me help you."
"You can not."
I go through to the sitting room and shut the pocket doors on him. Perhaps I shut them louder than necessary. His rejection hurts my pride, if not my heart. He has decided to dislike me, decided it before he even met me, and no matter how kind I am, despite his rudeness, he is unwilling to change his mind.
Very well then. I will have to convince him.
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2024-04-26: King Edmund explains why he sent Alex there... if she can believe him.