(mentions of alcohol abuse, panic attacks, eating issues)
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"We'll come visit soon, I promise."
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I woke, the sun coming in through the curtains I had forgotten to close the night before. I groaned, throwing the covers over my eyes. My head hurt. I couldn't tell if it was from the crying and screaming or the bottle of scotch I had someone talked myself into last night.
I had been alone for almost three weeks now. The first few days had been fine. I knew that it was going to be hard to live here, with everything being a reminder of him so I avoided everything. I had been ordering takeout with all the money to my name, now. I stayed in my room, using the bathroom connected to it. I only left when I needed to grab my food. And that worked for a bit.
But then it started. Mako started to come over. I had wondered how long it would take. He had found out that I was back in town from someone, probably Charlie, and was now trying to see me. I didn't have the energy to. Hell, I barely had the energy to get out of bed for the food I forced myself to eat.
After a while, he stopped trying and I was thankful for but at the same time, I wondered if I needed to talk to him. To talk to anyone. I had avoided the calls from the grid, only answering messages. I used the excuse that I missed it, but I often watched it ring. I just didn't have the energy for anything.
It started to ring again. I looked down to see it was a call from Seb. I watched it, debating if I wanted to pick it up. I knew I would have to at some point but I just couldn't find the energy too. Talking felt so stupid and so did everything else. I guess I was at that part in my grief and I knew that Jules wouldn't want it to be like this. But I could barely leave my room without breaking down because everything reminded me of him.
It stopped ringing and I rolled back over. Time for another day in bed.
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Three o'clock rolled around and I sighed. My body was in pain from lack of food which meant it was time to get some sort of food. I grabbed my phone, ignoring the messages from everyone, and pulled up the place across town. It had been the only food I was able to keep down since that first night. It was cheap and not that great, but I was able to not throw it up within three hours. I took the wins I could get.
After I set the order, I forced myself out of bed. I needed to shower. It had been days and I was starting to get annoyed by the feeling of the grime and dried tears. There was only so much I could handle. It was a battle between the need to be clean and the grief. And at this moment, the need to be clean won.
I stripped out of the clothes I had been in for the past week, throwing them into the corner. I would put them in the laundry when I had the energy but that wasn't right now. I grabbed a towel from the rack and turned on the water. I threw another towel over the mirror, not wanting to look at myself. I had avoided that too, looking at myself. It was going to have one of two reactions; one) I see all the parts of Jules in my face or two) I see how awful I've gotten and then start to cry over that.
I knew what I was doing wasn't good. I knew that I needed to eat more than when my body reminded me with hunger pains. I knew that I needed to respond to the grid, take their calls, accept their help. I knew I needed to talk to Mako at some point. I knew I needed to leave my room for more than just the dash to the door and back. I knew all of this, but I just... couldn't. I felt like I was living in a fog.
I pushed those thoughts away as I stepped under the hot water. The tension left my shoulders as I stood there, watching the steam roll through the bathroom. I watched the water in the drain as if I could see the grime coming off of me. Or maybe because it was enough to keep my focus. The hot water started to make me dizzy and that's when I started to rush through everything I needed to do.
I finished and dried off, not caring to do anything to protect my curls. That was too much work and my food was going to be here soon. I had timed it well enough to know how long it to. A routine. Even if it was the worst version of one.
I grabbed a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt, throwing both on. I didn't go back to my bed, instead I sat down on the floor next to my door. It was closed and sometimes I caught myself watching it, waiting for Jules's to knock. It was never going to happen. But a girl could dream. I sighed, resting my head against the wall. My phone buzzed and I sighed, picking it up. Lewis.
Lew ( Dad )
Hey kid. I know you're probably
going through a lot right now and I'm so sorry. But please. I need to knowthat you're alright.
yeah, i'm alive
Oh, thank God.
Seb said you didn't pick up his call?
i was sleeping
Got it. You've been sleeping a lot.
it's the only thing i have the energy
to do
Ah. Well, we have the weekend off.
Nico and I were going to come down and see you.
oh, okay
Unless you don't want that.
no, that's fine
Alright, please take care of yourself
until then. I love you, Lu.
I closed my phone, hearing the knock on the front door. I opened my door, fast walking to it. I just wanted to grab it and go but as I opened the door, it wasn't the delivery guy.
"Mako..."
I cleared my throat, not realizing how raw it was from crying every night and not talking. He just smiled.
"You're alive, then."
"Mhm."
He looked at me and I crossed my arms, feeling like I was being judged. It was the first time I had been aware that I might not look the best. I knew it but this was the first reaction I had to it.
"You weren't expecting me."
"I wouldn't have opened the door if I knew it was you."
"Ouch."
"Sorry.."
He shook his head, leaning against the frame. "Don't apologize. I'm not that hurt, I know you're going through a lot."
"Yeah, a lot."
"I just wanted to check on you."
"Well, you did that."
He sighed. "Lul-"
"If you could leave now, that would be great. I am just wanting my food and to go back to watching my movie."
I lied about the movie part. But I wasn't going to tell him that I was taking my food back to the bed I had been lying in for three weeks to eat until I couldn't force food down my throat anymore and then cry myself into another night of restless sleep.
"Right, yeah. I'll uh- see you later then."
I nodded and closed the door, forcing him to step back. I didn't move, keeping my eyes on the door. My food would be here soon and I didn't want to walk back to my room just to walk out again, two minutes later. But I also couldn't just stay in this room.
But something got the better of me and I turned around. Everything was exactly as it had been from that first night. I hadn't touched any of the boxes, just using whatever was already in my room. That wasn't what caught my eye. It was the box on the counter with a piece of paper next to it. I didn't see that earlier. My legs moved on their own, over to the counter. I picked up the paper, leaving the box.
Lily,
I gave this to Lewis. I had wanted to give it to you myself but... well. Here, my love. I did promise you this when you had finally grown up. Enjoy it and wear it with pride. You're going to carry on.
All my love, forever,
Jules
I crumbled the paper, throwing it across the room. Tears pushed at my eyes but I blinked them away, picking up the box with shaky hands. I flipped the lid and inside was the Bianchi family crest. On a silver chain. I dropped it, the pendant ringing as it hit the granite. I rubbed my hands on my shirt, trying to get rid of the feeling as I walked backward to my room. I slammed the door, ignoring the knock that meant my food had arrived.
All I could focus on was my breath and how I couldn't get it. My tears rushed and I sank to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest. It was real. This was the end.
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a/n: not much talking but good building for our lovely little eli. anyways, love it or don't :p