It feels like my heart's about to jump out of my chest because of how close Anton's face was to mine, so I had no choice but to close my eyes in hopes of calming myself down.
Then something soft made contact with my forehead for a few seconds.
Anton just kissed me in the forehead.
Anton. . . kissed my freaking forehead! I feel like I'm going crazy right now because of what just happened.
"Let's sleep some more, yuyu." Anton's soft voice was heard, and I almost let out a yelp when I realized that he whispered those words to my ear. He is too damn close. His breath was so warm that it sent chills down my spine when it made contact to my skin.
"Anton. . ." I whispered after opening my eyes again. I saw him smiling sweetly, before he started to caress my cheek. His touch made me feel all tingly inside because of how warm his hand was. Am I dreaming right now? But, it feels so real. And Anton is so warm, his hand is warm and soft. If this is a dream, then please make it longer. I don't care anymore if I'm being too desperate.
"I don't wanna sleep yet. Can't you stay longer? Even in my dream?" I couldn't help but ask, and I was confused when he let out a chuckle before cupping my cheeks in his huge hands, but he didn't say anything and just continued to stare at me lovingly. This simple interaction just made my heart beat faster than the usual. That's how much Anton's effect on me is.
I knew it. This is a dream. There's no way that Anton would look at me like this. There was a slight ache in my chest, and I wanted to cry because I feel so pathetic and desperate. But, I can't just do nothing because it hurts me more whenever I see the guy I like is with someone else.
"Can't you like me instead? Hm, Anton? I can be pretty for you too, I'll try my hardest. I can be worthy of you too, please give me a chance. . ." My tears started pouring out as soon as I said those words. I've tried my hardest to keep them all to myself because I don't want Anton to feel weird or feel pressured. But, this is just a dream. I can say anything I want.
"I just like so much, Anton. It hurts." I whispered, almost out of breath because of my sobs. Anton used his thumb to wipe my tears away, but it only made me cry harder. He's so gentle with me, that I can't help but fall harder.
"Sleep, Yumi. I'm not worth your tears." Anton hugged me as he said those words, and I wanted to argue, but I was already too tired from crying. His warmth was making me so comfortable, his arms felt like home, and that alone made me fall asleep faster than I wanted to.
Anton was already gone the moment I woke up. And I was inside my room, not in the sofa where we both fell asleep. Was last night really a dream, then? But his lips pressing on to my forehead was so real. And I still smell like Anton's perfume because he was hugging me last night.
I shook my head, before deciding to go down. I gave Kissy her food first before preparing mine. It looks like I'll have to ride the train today since Anton's not here to pick me up. It's only been a few hours that we parted ways, but I already miss him. Is this even normal?
After getting ready, I immediately went out of the house so that I can reach the train station immediately. I don't want to late for my morning class today.
While walking towards the train station, I was stopped on my track when an old lady caught my eye. She was selling bouquet of flowers along the side of the road near the park. So, I went to her direction to buy a bouquet of flowers since one of them reminded me of someone.
"Thank you, young lady. Have a great day." I took the bouquet from the lady after paying. The old lady then waved her hand and I too waved back before giving her a smile. I bought a bouquet of daisies for no other than Anton. I just wanted to give him some flowers, since I am pursuing him after all. I hope he likes it. I never received this type of gifts, that's why I want to give Anton one to see what reaction he'll give.
Would he give me that pretty smile of his? Or, would he hug me again before thanking me? I let out a small smile at my own imagination, before letting out a sigh. I sound like a lovesick puppy and it's really not healthy at all.
The train ride today was smooth. I was also glad that I didn't see a familiar face, because I'm kinda shy to answer if they ever ask who these daisies are for. And they might even think I'm stalking Anton, since there's no way they'll even think that I am personally given permission by Anton himself to pursue him.
When I was already in campus, I texted Anton, asking where he is, but a few minutes had already passed by, he just left me on seen and never replied. Oh, then he must be very busy. Besides, he might have something he had to do for him to leave my house earlier than he'd usually do.
But, what's bothering me was there was no message or note from him, at all. I shook my head. I'm just overthinking again. Anton would never ignore me on purpose, he's not like that. Instead, I messaged him that I'll be waiting in the park near our subdivision for him later after our classes. I decided to hide the daisies in our dept's meeting room since no one ever uses them.
"My lovely yumi!" Jiwoo called for me as soon as I reached our usual hang out spot. I looked for Anton, but he wasn't here. Where could he be?
"Hey," I greeted back. I was shocked when Jiwoo excitedly hugged me before whispering something to my ear.
"The bitch really dyed her hair red." My eyes widened after hearing Jiwoo said those words. And her tone felt too cold. It's been so long since I saw this side of Jiwoo. She's so warm and motherly, that I forgot she used to hurt those who bully me in the past. She might look like a fragile and pretty flower, but Jiwoo is a savage. You will never survive if you get on her bad side.
"You were late to the show. She already left with Anton," Dohee told me as well. And something in me ached a bit after hearing that the two were together. Is that the reason why Anton hasn't replied to me yet? But, I thought he wasn't the close to Bora?
No. I need to stop overthinking.
"What should we do now? It's already confirmed." Wonbin asked, and his sassy nature wasn't hidden at all as he was waiting for our reply, he even got one of his eyebrow raised at us. Like he's our boss, and we're all just his humble employees.
"Let's gather some more, before asking her. And collect more evidence too." Rina suggested, and all of us agreed to it.
"I'm back! Did you all miss me?" We only stopped with talking about our plan when I heard my brother's annoying voice. Why is he back so soon? I thought he'd be back by tomorrow?
"Daddy! Your babies missed you so much!" Rina screamed as well, before running towards Sungchan to hug him, but Sungchan was fast enough to stop her, making all of us laugh. Rina really knows how to annoy my brother, that I sometimes want to ask her some tips since it can be very useful.
"Did you miss me, loser?" Sungchan asked, and all I can do was hit him playfully in the gut after calling me a loser.
"Ouch. Is that how you treat your cool and handsome brother?" He asked, acting like he was hurt, but it was evident that he's only acting, so I ignored him. Having my brother in the same circle is sometimes irritating. I know that it's not his fault, but still, I really hope that I can have another circle without him so that I'll be able to freely do whatever I want.
"Get lost if you don't want a full blown beating." I warned him, and that made Sungchan move his ass to where the guys were to catch up.
I couldn't even care anymore about the news of Bora actually copying whatever I do, nor do I even care if Sungchan will once again bother me back in our house. What's bothering me too much right now was the fact that I wasn't able to see Anton at all, despite what happened last night. I wanted to ask why he kissed my forehead, and why he hugged me while sleep, but would that make everything weird again?
I mean, there are times when friends do kiss each other's forehead. But. . . Anton is someone who I can't just treat as a friend. That's why I need to ask for confirmation. The problem now is, I don't know where he is.
* * *
Anton didn't show up during our class in ARTS 1, and that made me worried again. Because the last time he did this, it was because he was being bullied by his seniors. Are his seniors bothering him again? Is that why he's ignoring us?
He likes to distance himself whenever he feels like he'll only be a bother to us for not feeling good, and that's one of the things I wish he'd stop doing. Because I'm more than willing to lend him an ear. I hate seeing him suffer all alone when he have us.
My last class for the day ended, but I texted Anton that I can't meet up with him immediately because my brother and the others wanted to eat something first before going back home.
"Anton's the one who's MIA right now. Do you know where he is?" Eunseok asked me, as he was busy driving. Sungchan didn't bring his car because he rode the school's varsity bus, that's why I'm riding with Eunseok right now, alongside Sohee, Shotaro and Rina. Shotaro's with us since he didn't bring his car today. While our other friends rode using Jiwoo's new car.
"I don't know where he is. He haven't replied to any of my messages." I answered, and I was glad when there was no follow up questions.
"It's kinda suspicious that he left with Bora though. Did the two of them skip class and just decided to date?" Shotaro tried to joke, and I wanted to laugh, but instead, I could feel my lips turning into a frown.
Anton wouldn't do that. He's the one who told me that they're not that close, and that he wants me to become selfish of him especially in front of Bora.
"Not funny. That girl shouldn't be near Anton at all." Sohee told Shotaro, which confused the older. Of course, the boys are probably clueless about everything. Except for Wonbin and Sohee seems to know something a bit.
"Why not? I thought you introduced Bora to our circle because you were setting Anton up with her, Yumi. I mean, Bora's literally Anton's ideal type." Shotaro couldn't help but comment innocently again. And I was hurting because he was right. He was telling the truth.
"No. To be honest, I want Bora out of the circle, Taro." I admitted. There was no use in lying. Shotaro looked shocked, while Rina smirked, looking so proud of me, the same with both Sohee and Eunseok.
"I like Anton. And I have been pursuing him for two months now. But, if incase what you said was the truth, and that Bora and Anton are dating, then I have no choice but to let them be. I'm sorry for keeping it a secret," I told him apologetically.
"Hey, there's no need to be sorry at all! I'm sorry for being clueless!" Shotaro was panicking, which made the mood lighten and it was also enough to make me laugh. Shotaro might be the eldest, but he really is adorable.
"Now tell me all the details why we need to kick Bora out of the group," Shotaro asked again, and he looked so determined and intrigued that Rina and I ended up telling him everything.
"No way! If I had known that, I never would've complimented her new hair color!" Shotaro gasped, making all of us laugh because of his reactions to our story.
"Can you keep this from Sungchan though? I really don't think this is the right time for him to know about all this," I asked, feeling a bit nervous. But, I was glad when Shotaro smiled, his eyes turning into crescents, as he placed a hand on top of my shoulder before nodding his head.
"Sungchan and I might be best friends, but you are my close friend too, Yumi. Of course, I'll keep a secret of yours too." Shotaro told me sincerely, before acting as if he was zipping his mouth. Warmth spread throughout my chest after hearing those words from him. It's nice to know that indeed I'm not just my brother's plus one, but instead, I am one of them.
When we reached our destination, I was shocked when Sungchan was fast enough to stick with me. Why do I have such a clingy brother?
"I won't be coming home later. I need to go back to uni since we still have training, and I'll be sleeping with a friend. Will you be fine going home alone?" Sungchan asked worriedly, making sure the others were all already in the front while we stay at the back to converse.
"Yeah. I'm not a kid anymore, stop making our friends my babysitters because they're not." I can't help but blurt out, and I was shocked when instead of getting irritated, Sungchan just smiled at me.
"I'm sorry. It's just that, I feel like my little sister is no more, and I guess, I'm just scared of the thought of you growing up and not needing me anymore."
Why is he suddenly being like this? Okay, I do love irritating and making fun of him, but whenever he acts like this, I can't help but want to cry.
"I won't stop needing you, you idiot. I might even need you to take care of my future babies." I tried to joke, but Sungchan just laughed out loud.
"I can't imagine you with a baby. That would be so funny." I hit him playfully, before walking away, but he was fast enough to catch up.
After eating and hanging out for an hour, we all finally decided to part ways. Good thing that I was able to force the others with a car that I can take care of myself by riding the train. Besides, I'll be waiting in the park instead of going directly to our house. It'll be better if my friends won't know a thing.
The sky was already a shade of grunge blue once I reached the park inside our subdivision. I'm glad that my parents are still not back from their trip, this makes me have the liberty to wait for Anton for as long as I wanted.
There was still no response, but he was able to leave my message on seen, so I can't help but hope that maybe he'll come here. I don't care how long. I even fixed the daisies since it has been inside my bag for an hour now.
I waited.
And waited.
An hour.
Until 5 hours have passed by. It was almost midnight, but Anton never showed up. But, maybe it was my fault. He did just leave my message on seen, there was no actual confirmation that Anton would come here. Heck, he might have been asleep by now.
I decided to finally check my phone again, because he might have messaged me but I'm busy daydreaming that I wasn't able to see it.
But, instead, I was greeted by a notification that says he posted a story on his Instagram account. . . five hours ago.
I immediately checked it, a bit worried, since he wasn't the type to post pictures, so his post might be the answer to why he didn't show up.
And It was indeed the answer to my question.
Anton posted a picture of him and Bora, and it looked like they were out on a date.
It hurts.
I feel like I was being suffocated by how heavy my chest felt. The pain was unbearable, but I can't just cry here since I'm in the park and there are still quite a few people here. I wanted to run and go back home, but my feet felt like they were frozen on the ground I was standing on.
My knees feel so weak right this very moment, and the thoughts in my head weren't helping at all in calming me down.
I let out a deep sigh before looking at their picture again. Anton was smiling from ear to ear, while Bora was clinging to his side, almost side hugging him. I was right. There was no way that Anton would choose me once Bora makes a move on him too.
I was right that he'll choose her over me. Bora was way prettier and she knows a lot about his work more than me. Bora was easy to post to let his followers know, but I never once been posted on his account.
Why did I even thought that for a moment, Anton would like me back? What gave me the confidence that someone as perfect as Anton would ever look at someone like me? The moment that Hwang Bora appeared, someone so close to his ideal type, I should've known that it was already over for me.
Anton would never choose me over Bora. It was already clear who will win in the end, so why did I even try so hard? I should've known my place.
And my place is in the sidelines.
I'll never learn my fucking lesson. Why do I have to be so stupid? Why can't I see that all along, I have no chance?
I glanced at the daisies next to me, and I can't help but feel an ache in my chest.
I couldn't bear the pain anymore that I fell to my knees. I covered my face using both my hands to hide my tears. It hurts so much. It feels like someone was choking me. It's like air decided to think I'm unworthy of breathing by how suffocated I feel right now.
Please make the pain stop.
The people at my high school and at uni were right all along.
I will never be the first choice, no matter how hard I try. No matter the effort I give, no one ended up choosing me.
But despite all that. . . despite going through this whole process of seeing Anton fall for someone else again, my heart still wants him.
Why do I still like him despite already hurting so much?
to be continued. . .
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