You're Falling Hard, I Push Away, I'm
Feelin' Hot To The Touch. You Say You miss
Me And I Wanna Say I Miss You So Much
West Coast / Lana Del Rey
★
I Meant "Don't Go", It came Out As
"Goodbye" You Said "Fine", When You Should've Said, "Or We Could Try?"
Yoko / Maisie Peters
PART I . [ 2011-2012 ] I Wish I Could Un-Recall How We Almost Had It All
A fire is warm despite how it's started. Electric sparks of first touches, heated backstage kisses, gasoline hearts set ablaze with the first "I love you"s exchanged ... the curse of self destruction, everything they had built burnt to ash, emotional arson. Tearing down the frame of their love affair for spare wood to throw onto the pile. Salvaging the parts of her not devoted to him for the next person to ignite.
It's better to be the heart breaker than the broken hearted. That was Lila Rodgers' philosophy. It's why, when Alex Turner feels like her future, she saves him the trouble and flees the scene. A short goodbye, a poor excuse for leaving. She was so cautious that it became reckless. Worried that she's not an angel, she reserved a seat in the inferno. Predicting a tragedy, she abandons the ships even though it's approaching the dock.
She'd rather be the problem by choice than accident — safe than sorry.
She was starry-eyed, fast pulsed, knee weak when she first met him, in the haze of his cigarette smoke. Bad ideas happen after midnight and this was her worst one. He looked like a classic rock song. He was a sinful, heaven-sent, temptation. He smelt like Marlboros, leather and mistakes. A modern day James Dean, with dreamy eyes.
If she had known it was all a facade she would've never gotten involved. She signed up for a reckless night with a self centred rockstar. A story to fill uncomfortable silences. A dinner party tale. Usually they never had a good personality when they looked religiously attractive. She didn't expect him to give her a first thought, never mind a second. Feelings hadn't crossed her mind. The situation seemed clear, a one night fling, but signs are hard to see when you're light headed with desire.
She tried to end it after that night. She threw away the folded hotel note with his number on it.
Then it happened again. A question asked through eye contact, signals sent. Drinks abandoned and a taxi called. One night turned into two .. then three. It wasn't her fault that she was at his mercy when he said her name like it was a prayer. He showed her affection so delicate she couldn't resist. She'd let him do anything to her ... except love her. Especially when he offered it so sincerely. She never asked him to do that — she didn't want it. She wanted attention not romance.
He saw forever, she was evanescent. Their involvement was already condemned to tender nostalgia. From the moment they met he was planning vows and she was planning goodbyes.
She told him she didn't want anything serious, it wasn't the right time and there might never be one. She should've stayed. He replied saying he would wait (she told him not to), he kissed her and said she knew where to find him. He should've fought.
PART II . [ 2016 — ... ] Started With A Kiss, "Oh We Must Stop Meeting Like This"
It was meant to be goodbye. She was meant to forget him. Neither of those things happened.
Instead he returned every time her mind became idle. Visiting her in dreams and being the person she thought of during fantasies. She looked for him in strangers, thought about him on dull nights. He haunted her with fondness, not vengeance. Time didn't heal but it still passed.
She took a deep breath, slowed down and changed. Still as spontaneous and energetic as before. Drank too much, stayed up too late, and made late night bad decisions, but she had started to live life instead of rushing through it. She bought a flat in London. Finally calling a place home. Formed and maintained friendships (instead of acquaintances forgotten about in a month). The pieces were falling into place ...
... But one was still missing. So, on a particularly nostalgic and drunken night, she sends him a song — a slightly suggestive one it you payed attention to the lyrics. She had been in the wings watching his life from the sidelines anonymously. Using the internet to keep up to date. Through her sleuthing she knew he was currently in a relationship — a serious one judging by his album.
She was bitter. Only wanting him to be happy if it's because of her. Fuck being mature and "doing the right thing". She didn't want him then but she does now.
She wanted him to reply but didn't expect it. It was meant to just be a morning regret. He texted back that he hadn't heard that song in so long. The notification took her by surprise. She felt the adrenaline of doing something dangerous. The rush of flattery that he replied. They're just talking, thoughts aren't actions. Nothing more than friends. It's innocent, they're only guilty of reconnecting. They'll probably be strangers again tomorrow ... but not if she can help it.
She's gonna get him back.
Suki Waterhouse Lila Rodgers
♫ Best Gracie Abrams
Alex Turner [ SIAS — EYCTE ]
♫ Step On Me The Cardigans
Tracklist
I. Burning Desire, Lana Del Rey
II. Eat Me Alive, Alessi Rose
III. The Bolter, Taylor Swift
IV. Too Sweet, Hozier
V. One For The Road, Arctic Monkeys
VI. Meet Me in the Hallway, Harry Styles
VII. High And Dry, Radiohead
VIII. We Have To Move On, Inhaler
IX. Don't Go Away, Oasis
X. About You, The 1975
Hourglass, Catfish and the Bottlemen .XI
Supercut, Lorde .XII
imgonnagetyouback, Taylor Swift .XIII
12:51, The Strokes .XIV
Touch, Cigarettes After Sex .XV
I Want You, Mitski .XVI
Bones, Alexandra Savior .XVII
All I Need To Hear, The 1975 .XVIII
Happy Endings, Pulp .XIX
Lipstick On The Glass, Wolf Alice .XX
★ dedicated to vogueriots girlplights lversr0ck caninerots reidhood quicksilvrs voidemmy -ThatPrettyGirl arwininecstasy bardotcouture witchesraves
trigger warnings / disclaimers sexual content and themes, alcohol and drug abuse, explicit language, disordered eating, mental health issues: depression and anxiety, alzheimer's, infidelity
this is a work of fiction, all depictions
of celebrities in this book are purely fictional
and not an accurate representation of how they are / act in real life. these are characterised versions of people.
🎸 blame hozier for my obsession with morally ambiguous women. she's sooo messy and toxic but i'm downnn badd for her, she's so hot 😩😩 she's probably my most problematic character but i love her, i don't even care. i mean she's literally partially inspired by matty healy so that explains A LOT.
🎵 ignore the fact that suki dated miles kane irl, i wanted to use her as a fc so i am 😌😌 she's so sixty's model and it fits the vibe. plus im literally in love with suki.
🧨 i have listened to nothing else but the tortured poets department. i wake up and listen to it until i go to bed. she's so real for say she puts narcotics into her songs because i'm addicted. honestly could talk about it for hours (especially the anthology tracks). anyway all this to say that is what's inspired than book /
⚡️ i'm so excited to write for this one! summer is for my alex turner obsession to come back in full force. get ready for lots of angst, conflict and questionable choices. it will probably make you scream occasionally (a lot). see you all soon ❤️🩹❤️🩹
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