So sorry I left for 13 months. I'm just a girl, please forgive me. (I'm a chronic procrastinator so if you think "surely no one can put something off for over a year".... yes. yes they can. Also still very much a student. Sorri pookies.)
Atsushi had fallen asleep right there on the floor. It almost seemed like he felt comfortable everywhere but an actual bed. He had intended to go and take a shower last night, but the stress caused by the move and the tension between him and Akutagawa had left him too exhausted, so he chose to close his eyes instead and here he was, sleeping on the floor.
When he awoke it was already 12 PM. He noticed the emptiness around him. He was alone in the room, there was nothing in there besides plain furniture and his bags. He already missed waking up and seeing Kyouka setting their little dining table for a quick breakfast.
He didn't like how unfamiliar the room he was in felt. It felt so lonely and somehow Atsushi started wondering if Akutagawa had this apartment just to himself. Was it always this silent in this house? Did it not frighten Akutagawa - the screaming quietness that hungered for something far beyond Atsushi's understanding? Didn't it drive Akutagawa mad, or perhaps madder if that was even possible?
Atsushi got up and slowly walked up to the window in his vacant, temporary room. When he looked out, he saw the morning sky and the city slowly waking up. He proceeded to look down, closer to the apartment, and he suddenly saw a familiar figure crossing the street holding a grocery bag in hand. He wasn't wearing his sunglasses this time, yet he still seemed to be out of place. His black coat hung open to reveal a striped black and dark grey sweater as well as black pants.
"Broody as always..." Atsushi mumbled, referring to Akutagawa's choice of clothing and moved away from the window.
He approached the door that led back to the hallway and for a moment, he just stood there. He felt anxious, as if exiting this empty room would expose him somehow; strip him naked of all his carefully threaded layers and remind him of something he's sworn to forget but not quite forgive yet. His hand laid upon the door handle as if waiting for a signal, a sign of any sort, that it was alright to exit the room.
He could hear the front door opening and then closing. Silence. Ruffling of a bag. Silence. Slow steps. Silence.
"Are you awake, weretiger?" Akutagawa's voice filled the empty silence and Atsushi released a breath of relief. He finally clinched the door handle and opened the door, his gaze meeting Akutagawa's already annoyed eyes.
"Yes, I'm awake. I don't need a personal alarm that has a criminal record." Atsushi walked past Akutagawa, trying to act tougher than he was feeling this morning. He started heading to the bathroom before abruptly being stopped. Akutagawa grabbed Atsushi by the collar of his shirt and yanked him back, making Atsushi almost lose his balance.
"Hey!?" Atsushi exclaimed, his breath momentarily gone because of the fabric tightening around his neck, "What the hell are you doing?"
Looking at Akutagawa, he saw a slight wince of discomfort, reminding him that they are still connected.
"Do not think you can get off the hook that easily." Akutagawa quickly regained his usual stoic expression and let him go but made it clear that Atsushi wasn't going anywhere before the conversation was done.
"What are you talking about?"
"There are going to be rules if this is going to work out between us, got it? Just because you conveniently fell asleep yesterday doesn't mean you won't hear or obey those rules." Akutagawa continued, "First of all, you should know you're staying in my sister's room."
Atsushi recalled how the room smelled when he first entered it – sweet but not the kind of sweet that made you sick. More like summer and strawberry fields – a good kind of warmth and sweetness though not without a sense of something dangerous, like a storm after a hot, draining day.
"Do not move the furniture around, she does not know you're here."
"Wait what? Your sister doesn't know I'm here? What happens if she returns and goes to sleep in her room but I'm there?" Atsushi asks with worry in his voice.
"Then you better hope she kills you swiftly and without pain." He replies with what Atsushi thinks is an attempt at a joke, but Akutagawa gives Atsushi no chance to answer to it, "Secondly, do not enter my room under any circumstance. If you do, I won't take our 'bond' into consideration when choosing the punishment for that."
A shiver runs through Atsushi's back, sticking around in his neck, making him uncomfortable. Akutagawa's tone is cold and serious, and his eyes don't waver away from Atsushi's. It finally settles that this isn't his house, isn't home with his people but instead this is unfamiliar territory – the enemy's territory. And this territory brings him a new wave of anxiety he cannot comprehend. It brings a bitter feeling of old memories and new hatred. The whole situation he's in brings a horrible feeling in his gut, like any moment he might end up being back where he never wanted to return.
Akutagawa has an aura of violence and blood that Atsushi hasn't had enough time to dissect ever before. Because when they meet, he's a part of it too – his blood, their fights, it all adds up to it. But now, seeing Akutagawa in such a calm state makes him see how truly terrifying he is. So terrifying that it reminds Atsushi of all the bad, all the cursed and wicked in the world. And he hates it. He hates how cruel his eyes are and how these cruel eyes look at him so calmly, like they haven't gazed into many innocent eyes moments before their death. And his hands, so slender and defined open the same doors and touch the same cups as his but Akutagawa's hands have been covered in the blood of so many. And he doesn't care. Does he even have the capacity to do so, Atsushi wonders.
"Anything else?" Atsushi barely got the words out, holding back an attitude he decided wasn't worth bringing out.
"Yes. Do not use up all the hot water in the shower." Akutagawa said in a less uptight tone and finally looked away. He started heading back to the kitchen to unpack the groceries and Atsushi was left alone in the hallway.
***
The shower was hot. Scorching even. But Atsushi didn't care, he just wanted to get the chilling feeling out of his body. It still lingered at the back of his neck, looming over him like a ghost without any other purpose other than to make him uncomfortable.
He tried to wash it off with cold water and then with hot but the more he paid mind to it, the more he felt it.
Okay, come on. Ignore it, Atsushi. It's going to go away. He told himself and while he didn't completely believe it, he didn't have any other options, he had to get rid of it if he was to stay here. But he was suddenly so angry. He felt pity for all the victims Akutagawa had killed. How could anyone be this unfeeling?
This kind of anger was something Atsushi felt rarely. He didn't like the way Akutagawa's gaze tried picking him apart, tried to make him feel small. It reminded him of the stained-glass window that put him in the spotlight. It angered him. He knew now, what he never understood before joining the Agency - only cruel people would raise their hand to a child, only cruel people want other's to seem small in front of them. And Akutagawa was cruel. Maybe not in all the same ways that he had seen before but Atsushi felt it.
Atsushi's thoughts and feelings of the past and the present were mixing up and blending like paint on a canvas being repainted by a painter who couldn't stand to see his own creations any longer. It seemed like Akutagawa had opened a can of worms Atsushi had tried so hard to keep shut without even knowing it.
The anger kept flowing through Atsushi but apart from everything there was something different that was fuelling the flame burning inside of him. No one is just born cruel. So, what happened to his enemy to lead him here? Atsushi felt shame for even thinking it. Nothing is ever black and white, there is always a grey area in between things, he knew that. He just wished that this wasn't one of those things and that it could just stay bad. He didn't want to guess the reasons for Akutagawa's morality and the reasons behind his actions but a part of him wanted to peel him open and see his bones and brain just to understand; just to see if his feelings of pity were justified.
Maybe if he saw through it, the fight that he had promised wouldn't need to take place. The idea of them fighting to death didn't scare Atsushi the way Akutagawa had envisioned, not at all. It scared Atsushi to think that when it came to it, he'd have to kill Akutagawa. He wasn't sure if he could take Akutagawa's life. An enemy is already closer than a stranger and how do you kill someone that's not a stranger with no remorse or hesitation?
All his thoughts made him sick. They were starting to feel like overbearing parasites clouding his mind and he wasn't sure what to do with them. He finally turned off the water and hoped that the feeling would wear off eventually.
***
"Did you not understand the meaning of 'don't waste all the hot water', weretiger?" Akutagawa was sitting by the kitchen table, a white, plain mug in his hand and a book in the other. Atsushi could slightly see that the liquid in his cup was slightly green. Tea? Unexpected.
"I didn't waste all of it." Atsushi walked into the kitchen looking around the cabinets to find himself a cup as well.
"And how'd you know that, huh? I didn't know you had another ability that counts how much of my money you've wasted on MY water bill."
"You-" Atsushi wasn't sure how to answer, "You know what? I've had enough negativity for the whole day just from this few-second conversation. I'm done talking with you."
"Suit yourself. I'll only be happy if I don't hear your annoying voice pestering me at every chance you get, so maybe you could just keep silent for your whole stay here?" Akutagawa remarked in a snarky voice, not lifting his eyes from the book, concentrating on the words.
"You talked to me first!" Atsushi defended himself, his voice slightly cracking from frustration.
"Doesn't mean I wanted you to answer."
"You literally asked me a question. A question is something you give an answer to."
"Not if it's rhetorical." Akutagawa gave one stern glance and in a venomous tone completely shut Atsushi down.
Atsushi wanted to say something, he wanted to fire back but he decided that it wasn't worth wasting his time on it. He had to survive with Akutagawa for God knows how long and he wasn't about to make it completely unbearable on the first day. He went back to making coffee for himself without thinking much about anything else. He noticed Akutagawa shutting his book and slowly approaching him in the kitchen, so he turned around, rather fast, startling Akutagawa slightly.
"What?" Akutagawa had immediately regained his composure and now looked at Atsushi annoyed.
"Nothing. Nothing at all." Atsushi replied as emotionlessly as he could, trying not to seem as cautious as he was feeling. Akutagawa wasn't impressed.
"I'm going to my room. Do not, I repeat, do not enter my room. Knock if anything important happens. Only.Important.Stuff." Akutagawa didn't break eye contact with Atsushi for even a second until he was done talking.
To Akutagawa, Atsushi was an intruder to his personal space. Yes, he was letting this intruder stay here but not because he wanted to but rather because he had to. For Dazai. Akutagawa's reasons were selfish, always had been, and if they at some point in time hadn't been, it had been a long time ago and that wasn't him anymore. That's what he liked to think.
"Fine, whatever." Atsushi turned back to his cup and poured milk into his coffee, adding one teaspoon of sugar to it.
Akutagawa cast a quick glance at Atsushi's cup and raised an eyebrow, "Not going to add more?"
"What?" Atsushi asked, confused, looking between his cup and Akutagawa.
"I thought you'd add a bunch of sugar to your coffee..." Akutagawa's voice had gotten quieter, almost a whisper.
"That's such a weird assumption..." Atsushi tried getting an answer but without saying anything else, Akutagawa was already heading back to his room.
***
Anxious sleep had overtaken Atsushi while he was lying on the couch. He had drunk the coffee he'd made at an extremely fast pace... not his brightest idea. He tossed and turned, kicking off the blanket he had found on the edge of the plain couch with two matching pillows. Dreams were drifting and blurring with reality, his heartbeat unsteady or non-existent in moments. Before falling asleep Atsushi had placed a pillow in the space between his thighs for comfort and another one right by his chest, hugging it while lying on his side. Now both were being clenched so tightly that if they were made out of anything slightly fragile, they'd surely be broken now.
Atsushi grunted, turning to the side where he could only see the backrest of the couch through blurry, sleepy vision. His mind clouded with remnants of sleep and feverish dreams and then suddenly as if having ice water poured all over his heated body, he snapped his eyes open. It was the sound of the bathroom door loudly being shut that woke him up. The noise was followed by silence and after the silence came a small sigh, then lazy, sliding footsteps.
Atsushi sat up, his shirt stuck to his back, sticky and hot from his sweat, He felt like he needed a shower again, but he knew that Akutagawa would not appreciate him spending his precious water, so he fought back the uncomfortable feeling and slowly placed his feet down on the floor. His hands on both sides of his legs helped him balance his body out so he could adjust to being awake. His head hung, also facing the floor.
Atsushi heard Akutagawa turning on the tap in the kitchen, walking from one spot to another, not paying him much attention at all.
He finally felt steady enough to get up and was almost immediately met by thousands of colorful spots straining his vision, making him almost lose his balance. He put the heel of his hand up to his eye and rubbed it lightly, taking slow steps forward.
"Do you always sleep so much?" Akutagawa's judgemental tone rang from the kitchen. Atsushi didn't even have to look at him to know that there was a disappointed look on Akutagawa's face, he could just hear it in his voice.
"No. How long was I out?" Atsushi didn't add a snarky remark, he was still too groggy from the awful nap he'd had. If one can even call that a nap.
"No idea when you fell asleep. I'd say if it was shortly after I left, probably 4 hours." Akutagawa's response left Atsushi a bit shocked at how long he'd slept.
Akutagwa turned to the kitchen counter, brewing himself a new cup of tea. Atsushi scratched the back of his neck, feeling the cold sweat and wiping it with his palm. He passed Akutagawa and reached for the cabinet above the sink for a glass. He filled the glass full of cold water and drank it in one go, filling it up again till only half was full and downing that too. The water tasted sweet and smooth on his dried-out tongue. He put the glass down and wiped his mouth with his hand and then turned to look at Akutagawa who had stopped everything he was doing and was now silently looking at him, saying nothing.
"What?" Atsushi said raising his eyebrow, his hand resting against the counter.
"Nothing," Akutagawa responded sourly and turned back to his tea, removing the tea strainer, and placing it on a small plate next to his cup. He took his cup and brought it up to his mouth. Atsushi couldn't tear his eyes away from Akutagawa's movements, his gaze drifting from the cup to Akutagawa's face, then to his hands. Hands that had killed and hurt so many. Lips that spoke only harm.
Atsushi looked away, focusing on the tea strainer on the plate, and felt his face tense up– the hatred made his stomach turn and he felt sick. He removed his hand from the counter and put his hands above his head, stretching his back and letting out a yawn at the same time, trying not to think about it. Once his hands were back by his sides, he looked back at Akutagawa who was now done testing if his tea was strong enough.
"Are you just going to stand here and stare at me the whole time I cook?" Akutagawa didn't look at Atsushi while asking. He kept his gaze focused on something in front of him, even though there was nothing there.
As if snapped out of a particularly strong trance, Atsushi realized his staring. "You? Cooking? That would be a bizzare sight to see..." Atsushi joked, not realizing Akutagawa was being serious.
Akutagawa turned around rather quickly and walked up to Atsushi, making Atsushi back up against the kitchen island. "You goddamn waste of air. Don't think for a second that you can disrespect me in my house," Akutagawa points an accusatory finger at Atsushi's chest, looking up at him angrily.
"Or what?" The words left Atsushi's mouth before he could think it through. Akutagawa's expression slightly wavered and the pure annoyance that he displayed suddenly made Atsushi feel good. It felt good that he had wounded him somehow, even in the smallest, most insignificant way. He felt a satisfied shiver run over his neck and down his back.
"What did you say?" Akutagawa pushed closer, grabbing Atsushi by the collar of his shirt tightly.
"Do you need a hearing aid, Ryunosuke?" Atsushi continued, enjoying how nice it felt to see Akutagawa upset.
Akutagawa released his shirt with a force that pushed Atsushi slightly. He took a few steps back, still angry but suddenly shamefully aware and disgusted of the closeness. Atsushi wanted to push it more but ultimately held himself back. He felt chaotic, like nothing he thought made sense. Some thoughts didn't even feel like his, so he decided it was best to simply take a step back.
Without saying anything else, Atsushi made his way to his room, shutting the door behind him and pressing his back to it. There is no way that there wasn't a better option than this. Why is Dazai putting him through this? Dazai could've definitely come up with a better plan. Thinking about Dazai he suddenly remembered something important he had to do. He said he'd call Dazai the next morning. It was now way past morning, and he hadn't even bothered checking his phone in the morning.
Atsushi stumbled away from the door, almost tripping over himself, and quickly looked around the bags to find his flip phone neatly placed into the small messenger bag that he had taken with him.
He opened it and cringed at the 4 missed calls as well as 5 messages from Kyouka and before those, 1 missed call and a message from Dazai.
He opened the message from Dazai first: "You didn't pick up. I'm going to assume that you're having too much fun with your new friend to bother to check your phone or that you're dead in his basement somewhere. Call me back and tell me which option is the right one as soon as you can."
Atsushi let out a sigh, sitting down cross-legged on the carpet that was covering the whole floor of the room. He pressed the button to go back and clicked on the messages from Kyouka:
"Atsushi."
"You forgot to take your shampoo."
Atsushi read the first two messages and smiled. The next three messages had arrived an hour later:
"Atsushi."
"You have forgotten your toothbrush. Please get a new one and do not neglect dental care."
"Please respond."
Atsushi smiled even more. felt nice to be cared for. He sent back a quick response:
"Thank you, Kyouka. My 'gracious' host has been kind enough to provide me with everything I forgot. I'm well so don't worry too much. We'll see each other soon."
Atsushi went back once again and finally dialed Dazai's phone number. It didn't take long for Dazai's bright and painfully cheerful voice to ring through the phone, making Atsushi move the phone away from his ear momentarily: "So it's the first option then. Getting cozy with Akutagawa, are we?"
Atsushi rolls his eyes and settles his back against the wall, resting his head against it too, looking up at the ceiling a bit, "I won't call you anymore if you keep this up."
Atsushi hears Dazai laugh, "What took you so long to answer then? I assumed you we're busy bonding with Akutagawa."
"No, I took a nap."
"Do all your naps last half the day?"
"I didn't mean to sleep. I just sort of dowsed off... It's quite weird, I've been feeling very... weird today." Atsushi confessed.
"Hm," Dazai says nothing else, and Atsushi can just imagine him standing with his phone in hand, pointer finger folded across his chin, gaze looking somewhere past every existing thing – his mind somewhere else completely, lost deep in thought. Scheming. Atsushi remarks to himself with humour.
"Well, I'm sure it will take a bit more than a day to settle in." His cheerful tone is back, "Call me and update tomorrow too, okay?"
"Dazai, how long will this go on for?" Atsushi asks, almost pleading.
"I promise you; we are doing everything we can to solve this as soon as possible. We don't even know what the twins want yet. Could be something from us or from the Port Mafia. Or perhaps both... I don't mean to keep you in the dark, but we just can't be sure if these twins are working alone or if they have other resources. And we can't exactly tell you everything since we don't know if said resources could get this information out of you."
"Fine. I'll call you tomorrow." Atsushi says and before Dazai can finish whatever he was about to say, Atsushi hangs up and throws the phone across from him slowly.
Atsushi softly moves his head from the wall and hits it back against the wall, banging it harder than intended. Ow. Not long after that he hears angry footsteps approaching his door, then loud banging on his door.
"Do not dare do that again, you dumbass." Akutagawa's angry voice behind the door sounds muffled and unserious. Atsushi suddenly lets out a breathy laugh and suddenly it turns into a full fit of laughter.
Akutagawa freezes up outside of Atsushi's door and furrows his brows.
"What is wrong with you, genuinely? Have you gone hysterical?" Akutagawa asks, still annoyed and after realizing he's not getting a response, he walks away, "Fucking weirdo."
Atsushi simply continues to laugh, not understanding what else to do in his situation. Everything is messed up, he wants to go home and to be with his friends, he doesn't want to be kept in the dark, he doesn't want to kill Akutagawa and he doesn't want him to live either because if he does, he will cause harm. He just doesn't know what to do with himself nor with his situation. His thoughts keep racing like never before and he can't make sense of anything.
It's only 6 PM but after Atsushi has calmed down, he makes his way over to the bed and pulls the plain, white blanket over himself. He has already slept through most of the day, why not just sleep until the next one? And with that Atsushi slowly drifts off into sleep once more, forgetting everything for a bit.
A/N: ugh, they hate each other, i hope it's clear.