I was panting heavily as I rested my body on the concrete ground. The heat didn’t help at all but this is better than running laps for more than two hours now. Pero hindi pa tapos at nasa kalagitnaan palang kami.
“Here.” I looked up and saw Ejay handling me a cold water bottle.
Kaagad ko itong kinuha at binuksan para makainum.
“Salamat.” Hinihingal kong sambit at tiningnan ang mga kasamahan kong hindi pa tapos.
It’s been two months since we started this training and somehow I am now used to it. The difficulty was much harder than expected and we are still here, alive and hardly breathing.
Sumalampak siya ng upo sa tabi ko at pinanood rin ang mga kasamahan namin na hindi pa tapos. Kapwa kami naliligo sa pawis at hinihingal sa init.
“Tapos ka ng mag impake para bukas?”
Tumango ako. “Tapos na, ikaw?”
He shook his head. “Sisimulan ko palang mamaya.”
We’ve been physically training in the field but for tomorrow, it would be extreme because we will be out in the woods for two weeks. It would be my first time experiencing it and so far from what I heard, it would be more harsh and extreme.
We finished our reps for the day, and as usual, our sore muscles made us experience another level of hell. Akala ko mas gagaan ang pakiramdam ko na makakauwi kami sa sarili naming tirahan pero hindi, the pain in my muscles just made me lie down on my bed and do nothing.
Tapos na akong maligo at kahit papaano ay guminhawa naman ang nararamdaman ko, but tomorrow will be more painful and I should properly rest my body today, kung makaka pagpahinga ako ng maayos.
So far everything is fine for me. Even Brianna is doing just fine at kahapon lang ang huling tawagan namin. And for him…hindi na ako nakikibalita sa mga pangyayari sa buhay niya kahit sa internet.
Brianna only mentioned him twice and with all of the two, she mentioned that he is with her. Hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na makaramdam ng pait sa kaloob-looban ko, I'm just thankful than I’m able to forget him once in awhile. And I glad for this training for it made me busy all day…nakakalimot ako sa sakit kahit papaano.
Pumikit na ako pero biglang may kumatok sa pintuan ko. I groaned and forced myself to stand up in my bed. Dahan-dahan ang galaw ko dahil sa pananakit ng katawan ko hanggang sa tuluyan ko itong buksan.
Bumungad sa akin si Ejay pero napako ang tingin ko sa hawak niyang box ng napkin na balot pa ng plastik.
“Hindi ka magdadala nito? Hindi pa to nabawasan simula ng bumili ka.”
Alanganin ko itong tinanggap sa kanya. Pero wala pa akong dalang ganito.
“Thanks, nakalimutan ko.”
He smiled at me. “Mag iimpake na rin ako ng akin.”
Tumango ako at ngumiti pero agaran rin itong nabura ng mawala siya sa paningin ko. I closed my door immediately and tossed the box of napkins on my bed.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at tiningnan ang petsa ngayon, at isa lang ang pumasok sa isipan ko na ngayon ko lang napagtanto.
I haven’t had my period in two months.
I was so busy with the training that I totally forgot about it. At ngayong nakita ko na hindi pa nababawasan ang nabili ko noong nagdaang buwan pa ay ngayon lang ito pumasok sa isipan ko.
Huminga ako ng malalim. I was supposed to have my periods in the second week of the month. Kahit kailan ay hindi pa iyon pumalya. I never had an irregular menstruation. And today is already the third week.
Napaisip ako. Maybe this is my body coping up. Ngayon lang ako nagtagal sa ibang lugar at pwedeng nag aadjust pa ang katawan ko sa pagbabago ng klima at sa mga kinakain ko. And maybe with the difficulty of the training too.
Still, I packed some of it into my bag and went to my bed to sleep again. Patulog palang ako ng muli kong marinig ang pagkatok sa pintuan ko.
This time, I groaned loudly and looked at my door piercingly. Napilitan ulit akong bumangon para buksan ito.
Bumungad ulit sa akin si Ejay na may hawak na papel. He looked so apologetic as he handed me pieces of paper.
“Sorry but here, nakalimutan ko. Ipapasa yan bukas sa medical.”
Tumalim ang tingin ko sa kanya pero ngumiti lang siya sa akin, kaya wala na din akong nagawa kung hindi tanggapin ito.
I sat on my chair and read the content properly. I just need to fill it up with my basic medical information for our training tomorrow.
I started doing it casually when I reached the middle part of it. Napatigil ako sa pagsusulat habang nakatutok sa mata ko ang impormasyon na hinihingi sa akin.
And it was asking me if I was ever pregnant.
Nanlamig ako bigla at ramdam ko iyon na biglang bumalot sa buong katawan ko. Napalunok ako ng malalim at muling bumalik ang tingin ko sa box ng napkin ko sa gilid ng higaan ko.
It can’t be right? Imposibleng mangyari.
My legs were trembling as I stood up from my seat. Humarap ako sa salamin at tinaas ang hoddie ko.
I looked at my tummy and noticed nothing’s wrong with it. It looks flat as usual but I am still not convinced. Kinakabahan pa rin ako ng husto.
I started walking back and forth in my room as I bit my finger. Hindi ko inisip na posibleng mangyari ito at kahit kailan ay hindi ito sumagi sa akin.
Huminto ako at nagbuga ng malalim na hininga. Muli ay humarap ako sa salamin at tiningnan ang tiyan ko kung may pagbabago ba roon pero wala akong mapansin.
But still, the tension in my body rose. I need to do something, I need answers right now and there is only one solution for that.
Aligaga akong lumabas ng kwarto ko hawak-hawak ang pitaka ko. Nabungaran ko si Ejay na nasa sala na nag aayos ng gamit at kaagad kaming nagkatitigan.
“Lalabas ka?” He curiously asked as he eyed my wallet and keys in my hand.
Alanganin akong tumango at hindi ko mapigilan na mapalunok ng malalim sa kabang nararamdaman.
I cleared my throat as well. “Saglit lang ako.”
I didn't wait for his response and walked out immediately. Nang tuluyan na akong makalabas ay mas binilisan ko pa ang paglalakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa malapit na pharmacy malapit sa building namin.
Hindi ko mapigilan na manginig pagkatapos kong sabihin ang kailangan ko. I decide to buy four and after which, dali-dali rin akong bumalik ng apartment.
Wala na si Ejay sa sala at dumiretso naman ako banyo sa kwarto ko. My hands were shaking as I read the instructions on how to use it. Ilang beses pa akong huminga ng malalim bago ito subukan.
Para akong mauubusan ng hininga habang hinintay nag resulta at kada isang segundo ay parang kay tagal lumipas. The feeling was unsettling because I knew the result might change everything in my life.
But when I finally saw the first result, naluha ako ng tuluyan. I put my palms on my mouth, muffling myself while tears continued to streamed my face.
Buntis ako. It is positive.
My hands were shaking as I tried to pick the result. Klaro sa akin ang resulta pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na tingnan ulit ang instruction sa likod ng packaging nito.
And it was indeed positive.
I let out a harsh breath and wiped away my tears. Nanginginig ang kamay kong inabot ang bagong packaging ng pregnancy test at muli itong sinubukan.
At ng makita ko muli ang resulta na kapareho ng una ay mas umusbong ang emosyon sa akin.
I am really pregnant.
My body felt weak as I sat on the toilet. Kinapa ko ang tiyan ko at kaagad naisip ang mga ginawa ko nitong nakaraang linggo. I had a rigorous training…I was out in the sun all day long, exhausted and I almost couldn't move my body…and I was pregnant all along.
I breathed in deeply repeatedly, trying to calm my nerves and senses. Hindi ko na pwedeng gawin ang mga bagay na iyon, my baby…my baby will be at risk if I continue with this training. I will kill my own child if I do the same.
Kahit na nanghihina pa ang tuhod sa halo-halong nararamdaman ay lumabas ako ng kwarto at naglakas loob na kumatok sa silid ni Ejay. Ilang segundo lang akong naghintay at agad itong bumukas.
I met Ejay’s eyes and he quickly scanned my face. Galing ako sa pag iyak at alam kung halita iyon sa mukha ko.
“May problema ba?” Lumabas siya ng tuluyan sa kwarto niya at tiningnan ako ng may pag aalala.
I licked my lips and even though I have hesitation of telling him the truth, siya lang ang makakatulong sa akin. Kaming dalawa lang ang magtutulungan.
“Ejay…I’m pregnant.” It was almost a whisper but I know that he heard it well based on his expression.
His eyes went wide and it quickly went down to my tummy. I breathed in deeply and sat on the sofa.
“Pregnant? Ikaw?” He shockingly asked.
I nodded while my lips were on a thin line and my eyes were getting teary eyed.
“Hi-hindi ko alam ang gagawin…” I truthfully confessed and wiped away my tears.
“Hindi ko alam…ang susunod kong gagawin…” I repeated and my emotions broke.
Tuluyan akong napahagulgol at napasapo ng mukha. I felt disappointed with myself. Dahil alam kung magiging pabigat na naman ako dito…I am here to train and yet…may mga nadadamay na akong tao.
“Shhh…don’t worry…” Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi niya sa akin ang paghagod ng palad niya sa likod ko.
“If you are pregnant then, the next step that you will only need to do is to get a proper check up, Liberty. We were training…baka mapano ang anak mo.”
Anak ko…I have a baby in my womb right now…capable of growing up, and I need to take care of her or him…may anak ako.
My tears became uncontrollable at tuluyan niya akong niyakap. He hugged me comfortably and I let it all out, lahat ng sakit ang pangamba ko ay nilabas ko.
Ilang minuto kaming ganoon hanggang sa humiwalay ako ng tuluyan. I looked down and he continued rubbing my back.
“You need to cancel your training for tomorrow, Liberty. You should prioritize your baby.”
I slowly nodded and caressed my tummy. Hindi ko pa ito ramdam at wala akong alam alam kung ilang buwan na ba ito sa akin…but since I never had any sexual intercourse with someone aside from him…then I am probably two months pregnant.
Sa kanya ang dinadala ko. May anak na kami. Pero hindi ko alam. He was acting differently the last time...and he clearly doesn't see me the way I see him. Hindi niya matatanggap ang anak ko...and the fact that he is at the peak of his career.
Masisira ang career niya kapag nalaman ng media na may anak siya. Just like what happened to Mama, kaya nga ako naitago ng ilang taon at magpahanggang ngayon. Ako ang sumira sa career niya...and I'm afraid he would think the same with our child.
Hindi ko iyon pwedeng hayaan na mangyari. I was in that situation and up until now...and just thinking that my child will experience the same would be my death. Hindi ko kaya.
“Is the father here?” He hesitantly asked.
Unti-unti akong umiling at napangiti ng mapait. “Wala na kami…at nasa Pilipinas siya.”
He might not be thinking of me right now. What happened between us was nothing for him. I am sure of it.
“Ohhh…” He disappointedly responded.
He cleared his throat and looked at me seriously. “We need to tell this to Sir Rudulfo, matutulungan niya tayo sigurado.”
I hesitantly nodded my head. Kailangan maireport ko ito sa opisina. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin pagkatapos nito pero baka pabalikin ako sa Pilipinas. There is a high chance of it but I am not ready for it.
Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ni Mama. Hindi ko rin alam kung tama ba na umamin sa kanila, I am afraid of their responses because I knew that it won't be good. I needed to protect my child.
Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang kinakalikot nito ang cellphone nito. Maya-maya pa ay binigay niya ito ito sa akin.
I was fidgeting my fingers as I put it in my ears when he answered it.
"Hello?" Kinabahan ako ng marinig ko ang boses ni Sir Rudolfo sa kabilang linya.
"Sir, si...Liberty po ito." I swallowed hard and looked at Ejay.
"Yes, Liberty? May problema ba? Handa ka na ba para bukas?" Sunod-sunod nitong tanong.
Ejay nodded at me and I heaved out a heavy sigh. "Sir...buntis po ako. Hindi na po ako aatend ng training." Lakas loob kong pag amin.
"I-ikaw? Buntis?" Hindi niya siguradong tanong.
Napasapo ako ng noo. "Yes, Sir. I am pregnant, and I'lll be quitting my training."
"Ha?" He cleared his throat. "Sigurado ka ba, Iha?"
"O-opo...mapapahamak po ang anak ko kapag tumuloy ako."