"Would you please shut the ever-loving hell up and let me do my job?" I groaned with the pent-up frustration of an old woman a single day away from retirement. My sky blue hair was thrown up into a messy ponytail as I reloaded my shotgun, its magazine filled with pure Ice energy that begged to freeze its targets to their very cores. A sapphire eye squeezed shut as I made sure that all of the gun parts were in working order.
"But- but the Fragmentum monsters wiped out the rest of my bodyguards! What can a girl like you do to stop them?!" a skinny ass bispectacled nerd stammered nervously, cowering behind me despite his doubtful words.
"But- but- but I don't give a hair on Nanook's bleeding chest. Now, if you don't particularly feel like dying today, I do suggest hiding in that shipping box over there. Otherwise, by all means, aggro all the monsters with your senseless whining," I spat as I peered over the wall we were hiding behind, silently counting the Fragmentum monsters milling about. Eight. Not too shabby, I mentally commented as I grabbed a pair of visor glasses from where they were hooked on the neck of my sleeveless turtleneck, flicking them open as I clicked a button on the side to activate their heat vision. Putting them on, my vision was reduced to a gray landscape occasionally peppered by large blobs of red and orange.
Snorting as my employer was all-too-eager to obey my words and scramble into the indicated shipping box, I unhooked a Wind grenade from my belt and pulled the pin out with my teeth. Five - Slapping a terminal with an open palm, I activated a mail drone and keyed in my employer's destination - four - leaving his life in the hands of technology as I charged my gun with an enhanced shot. Three - Ignoring his yelps as the drone effortlessly lifted the box into the air - two - I tossed the grenade towards the group of Fragmentum monsters - one - and aimed my gun towards the arcing bomb. With a casual pull of the trigger, the Ice and Wind combined in an explosive cloud of frosty mist, sending the monsters into a confused frenzy. I kept low to the ground as I sprinted into the fray, using my thumb to flick small button-like devices into the cardinal and ordinal directions. They created an octogram around the Fragmentum monsters, setting up the prelude of a rather stunning curtain call. Clicking my right heel against my left, I activated the antigravity soles as I crouched, holding a device similar to the ones I had thrown earlier between the fingers of my black half-palm gloves.
"Show's over," I taunted, backflipping high into the air as I pressed down on the button, the octagon of devices activating in a net of Lightning strings that converged towards the one in my hand. I pulled it up along with me, drawing the edges closed as the Fragmentum monsters were forced together. Deactivating the antigravity and falling towards the ground, I braced my feet on the concrete as I began to swing the monster bag in circles like a lasso. Building momentum, I slammed it into the floor with a great crash, the last of the monsters that somehow managed to survive everything else disintegrating into ashes.
"Damn. Really pays to hit the gym every so often," I chuckled to no one in particular, dusting off my hands. "Speaking of pay, I can finally treat myself to that one ridiculously overpriced crepe place-"
Splatter.
"Oh. Well, that's just plain rude," I complained as I turned my head backwards, side-eying the Fragmentum humanoid that had its axe buried in the concrete... my severed arm rolling a few feet away with a trail of crimson blood marking its path. I contemplated the rogue limb for a few seconds, then shrugged as it began to float in midair. The blood connecting it to my torso rose along with it, forming a thin rope running between me and my arm. The pure confusion radiating from the soldier's frosty blue armor dragged a short burst of laughter from my lips. "Never seen a Blue Rose vampire before? I don't blame you; most of us are dead, after all," I casually chatted as the soldier finally pulled his axe free and stumbled a few steps away from me. "I, personally, don't really like to use our trademark moves - I get way too hungry afterwards - but I might as well."
I stepsided the soldier's haphazard overhead swing with a lopsided smirk, the cord of blood wrapping around its neck and lifting it up. My arm floated over to me, and I snatched it out of the air to wave disapprovingly at the struggling Fragmentum soldier. "You can only blame yourself for not running when you still could," I clicked my tongue as it desperately clawed at its throat, kicking the air as I slowly choked the life out of it. "I've no use for Fragmentum-infected blood, so go ahead and die now," I chirped, the blood sharpening into a chakram-like form and decapitating it.
The body quickly dissipated in a burst of ashes as I jabbed my severed arm onto the stump on my torso, thin tendrils of blood sewing it back in plate. The blood I used to decapitate the Fragmentum soldier lay splattered on the floor, the trace amounts of Fragmentum energy in it enough to render me bedridden for a couple days if I put it back in my body.
"Aeons damn it, I'll have to give them a call again," I groaned, digging my phone out of my back pocket. "Silver Wolf and Kafka are gonna tease the living hell out of me..."
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
"Ahahahahahaha!!" Silver Wolf cackled, clutching her sides as she nearly fell off the couch laughing. "You- You let a mob do you in? Aeons, I wish I had tailed you with a drone to capture that moment," she snickered, flipping herself upside down so that her legs were dangling over the back of the couch and her head staring at me from upside down off the end.
"I swear that I'll pluck you into a Bald Wolf one of these days," I grumbled as I chucked a pillow at her face, failing to stifle her giggles.
"I'll hack into your Bird Palooza account and lock all your skins besides the goose one for a week," Silver Wolf shot back with a shit eating grin.
"Great! A perfect justification to be a menace to society," I smirked, stalking over to Silver Wolf, whose eyes were watching my movements with a small amount of suspicion. "If you like laughing so much... how about I help you?" I declared, pouncing on her torso and dancing my fingers over her skin, tickling all the spots I knew were her weak points.
"Wait, wait, wait-" she pleaded between gasps and wheezes, trying but failing to roll away and out of my grasp. She would jab at my own torso from time to time to tickle me as well, but unfortunately for her, my only ticklish spot was safely tucked away in my shoes.
"Do you admit defeat?" I grinned as I reached up a hand to tickle her neck a little.
"Nev-never!" Silver Wolf insisted, her trembling fingers tapping at something in the air seconds before I was drowning in a mass wave of black-and-white feathers.
"Ew- Blegh, fluff in my mouth!" I spat, stumbling away as I spat out small feathers that had somehow found their way into my mouth. "That's cheating; real women fight with nothing but their bare hands!"
"Hand-to-hand combat's for chumps," Silver Wolf shrugged as she righted herself. "Real gamers fight smarter, not harder."
"Wait- Feathers and gamers... The new banner! It's Madam Quail's limited-time banner!" I squawked as I frantically dug out my phone, Silver Wolf perfectly mirroring my movements.
"I can't believe I nearly forgot about it. It's totally your fault, by the way," Silver Wolf mumbled as she logged into the game with the speed of a seasoned gambler.
"You started it," I shot back weakly, too distracted by the snail-pace in which the new update was unwrapping itself.
"Anyways, you redeemed the livestream codes, right?" Silver Wolf asked as she opened the log-in event.
"As soon as they released," I replied, collecting my new mail along with the maintenance rewards.
"I got 57 pulls at 13 pity, not guaranteed. You?"
"46 pulls at 24 pity, not guaranteed. We're both just barely gonna make soft pity."
"I'm prepared to swipe if so need be."
"Ditto."
"Well, you two sure are pretty chummy after all that ruckus," Kafka chuckled as she strolled into the room, her arms crossed as she smiled at the sight of our heads huddled together over our phones.
"Madam Quail claims precedence," we declared simultaneously, then breathed a collective sigh as we reached 50 pity... with no sign of the limited time character.
"We might need a pulling ritual for these last two ten pulls," I warned Silver Wolf.
"Ran out of quail eggs last week. Don't think; just pull," she mumbled, her eyes searching for the tell-tale sign of an SSR character.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, early pity, early pity, early pity!" I squealed as my first ten-pull revealed a cluster of 7 regular eggs, 2 silver eggs, and the elusive Golden Egg.
"The 50-50 is the question here," Silver Wolf warned as she stared at my screen, each egg hatching brutally slowly to reveal R and SR bird characters.
"50-50s are only 50-50s if you entertain the notion of losing," I said with a huff, a finger poised to crack open the golden egg, a silent prayer sent to the universe despite my brave words.
"If you're so confident, why the wait?" Silver Wolf teased.
"Dramatic effect," was my only answer before finally putting myself out of my misery.
"..."
"..."
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeee," I screeched in pure psychological agony, hunching over my phone with my fourth copy of Goosey Lucy staring mockingly at me.
"Skill issue," Silver Wolf whistled as she tapped her own screen, revealing the coveted Madame Quail.
"The RNG gods have abandoned me!" I wailed as Kafka leaned curiously over the back of the couch, her chin resting on my collarbone as she peered at my screen.
"You two make such a fuss over a... what do you call it? ...a gacha game. Is it really that much fun?" she asked.
"It's fun when you win," I mumbled dejectedly as I held up my phone. "Wanna try pulling? I have enough for one last 10 pull."
"I don't see why not," Kafka chuckled as she reached over my shoulder, tapping the screen with a gloved finger.
"..."
"..."
"...Wat."
Why were they two golden eggs on my screen?
What was this hallucinatory sorcery?
"Oh my," Kafka said with a hint of amusement as the eggs began to hatch in succession.
"No. Plucking. Way," I gaped as Madame Quail stood before me in all her feathery glory.
"The RNG gods are trolling right now," Silver Wolf wheezed as the second golden egg hatched yet another copy of Madame Quail.
"Kafka, will you make me the happiest woman alive by marrying me? I can cook, clean, and kick serious ass, so please do all my gacha pulling from now on," I begged, dramatically getting on one knee with my hands clasped over my chest.
"Maybe if I feel like it," Kafka teased, flicking my nose with a finger before turning around. "Before I forget... Bladie is back from his mission and resting in his room. Luckily for you..." she trailed off with a husky chuckle. "...he's still a little Mara-Struck right now."
An eyebrow twitched at her words, my phone tossed to Silver Wolf and snatched out of the air without a word. I hopped to my feet with a sly grin spreading over my face, my tongue swiping hungrily over my upper lip.
"You don't say."