Guys, I think the fanfic writers' curse got to me cuz tell me why tf did I almost die from A COLD?!?!
***
February 20th 1996
"Kids! Look who's at the door!" The woman shouted from upstairs when hearing the doorbell.
"Y/n, you go," the boy said, his little hands holding a screwdriver as he spread the pieces of the skateboard he just received.
"No, I'm doing things," you complained.
"Doing what? Watching me do things?" He turned to you standing by his side, your eyes on his every move.
"I'm not just watching," you gasped, offended. "I'm annoying you while you do dumb things."
The doorbell rang again, somehow sounding louder than it did before. "Kids!" Your mother shouted again, her tone now irritated.
"Go see who it is!" Aaru ordered, clicking his tongue when he focused again on opening another nail.
"No, you're the one closer to the door!" You said back, clicking your tongue as well purposely.
"Just go before Mom kicks both our asses!"
"Ugh, fine!" You turned to the door, aggravated, murmuring under your breath. "If only I were an only child..."
"You would've still looked who's at the door," he answered, surprising you how he caught your whispering.
Your house was now used to being this chaotic once again. After your parents' small argument, they both came by to you two. They apologized for making a scene, saying that nothing was wrong and that they had a simple misunderstanding, and assuring you that it would never happen again.
It sure hasn't happened since then. Your father's -long- stay was turned into the most fun days of your entire existence, from going on family outings to taking you to a bookstore and telling you to get whatever you want, even trying your crazy cooking experiments.
You opened the door, annoyed that your bothering-Aaru-while-he's-serious session was cut short. It was an old man. No, an old mailman. Since when do mailmen ring the doorbell?
"The mailbox that way," you blankly pointed at the box planted a couple of feet away from the front door he stood at.
"I- I'm not here to put down any mail..." He replied, the sweet smile he was wearing dropping slowly.
You blinked, tilting your head, confused. "Then you here to collect it?"
"No..." He said again, his dark brown eyes moving around baffled before collecting himself and smiling once again. "Is your mom at home, dear?"
"I'm not answering that!" you frowned, giving him a creeped-out look and closing the door which he blocked.
"Wait!"
"Woo! Stranger danger!!"
"I'm not a stranger," he argued, lifting his wrinkled hands as if showing his innocence, a ring on his finger shining in your eyes.
"You sure about that?" you arched an eyebrow, scanning him up and down. "You know, when mom told me not to talk to strangers, I bet she had a spitting image of you in her mind."
"I'm actually here to see your mom," he argued again.
"Yeah, most kidnappers say that," you added, pursing your lips.
"I'm not a kidnapper!"
"Y/n, who's at the door!" The woman inside shouted, her footsteps as she went down the stairs sounding louder than her voice.
"Some mailman kidnapper!" You responded, hearing the old man let out a long audible sigh.
"Mailman?" She reached the door, her short white hair tied in a ponytail, still wearing her painting apron dirty of different colors she was using when doing her art, watching you turn with a serious scowl on your face and crossed arms to the guy at the door and taking a glance at who. "Oh hey, Uncle Rey!"
"When you said you now have twins I was not expecting the daughter to be a copy of Hiroshi," he joked, chuckling as the woman stepped forward and gave him a warm hug, ignoring you standing in the middle confused.
"You know my dad?"
"Who doesn't know your dad?" The man said, teasingly tapping the woman on her shoulder. "He was pretty famous around here when he and Akari were teenagers."
"Can you not?" Your mom complained, face flushing when meeting the man's gaze.
"Where is he, for the record?" He asked.
"Grocery shopping, he'll be back in a minute. Come on in!" She said, pushing you off the way and inviting him in.
"So you're not a kidnapper?" You looked back at the man, examining his every step suspiciously.
"No, he's not," your mom replied. "He's my friend."
"Mom, you call him uncle..."
"You're a funny little one," the Rey man chuckled, glancing at the woman beside him rubbing her temple, not planning to answer you either way. "Your name's Y/n, right?"
"Apparently."
"Did anyone ever tell you that you act exactly like your dad used to act when he was your age?" He leaned, his hand slowly lifted to rest on your dark short waves.
"No. You're the only one I met who's that ancient."
"Y/n!" The woman called, observing how the man laughed and bore with your joke and still patted you on the head.
"I feel like we're gonna get along very well me and you, kiddo," he smiled, standing straight.
"Nah. I doubt it, Reyyo," you shrugged, putting your hands in your pajama pockets.
"It's Rey."
"I'm still gonna call you Reyyo."
***
5 Missed calls from "Reyyo <3"
Reyyo <3: You're home?
Reyyo <3: I came by and you didn't open the door.
Reyyo <3: Everything's alright?
You: Sorry for not picking up your calls.
You: Yep. Everything good!
You: I'm staying at my friend's house for the weekend.
You: Love ya!
Putting the phone down, ignoring all the missed text messages and calls, you weakly walked to the metal bowl near the living room, where the black animal somehow shined in the darkness of the house.
You poured the Kibble into it, your loosened messy hair falling on your face as you leaned, not bothering as much as it used to. You could see the cat looking back at you, meowing loudly as if asking how you were doing, but still, it sounded muffled in the middle of the chaos in your head.
Turning around and leaving her with nothing much to do but eat, you stepped into your room again, pulling the drawer of your desk open and taking the dirty first aid bag, the phone on top buzzing again making you show a slight emotion on your weary eyes, before it faded at the realization.
It wasn't him. It could never be him.
He was dead.
You sat on the bathroom seat, opened the bag, lifted your right arm sleeve, opened the badly put bandage hissing in pain, and uncovered the bloody injury.
It had been five whole days since October 31st, five days since the Valhalla fight, five days since Baji died.
Dusk fell when you arrived at your place that day, puffy-eyed, unsettled-minded, injured arm. As you passed by the mirror to your room, you could see it, the dark shadow, death itself, digging its nails into your shoulders, following you everywhere with its nasty smirk.
But it faded as fast as it appeared, leaving you with whispers haunting your ears with their loudness.
You didn't attend his funeral, even though you were invited, along with the majority of Toman. Even when Chifuyu texted you the location, and even when Takemichi called asking where you were. The thought of facing Baji's death head-on felt like an impossible task.
You could not bring yourself to accept that Baji was gone, that he was no longer of this world. Despite all the people who had gathered to mourn and pay their respects, you couldn't find it in yourself to join them.
What if you didn't throw away the plan he worked for?
What if you didn't stand still and helped him to fight Kisaki as you were supposed to?
What if you weren't an idiot who left him to work by himself last minute?
What if?
What if?
What if?
Your head was filled with these thoughts. And they all pointed at you...
You felt responsible for everything that had happened. You were the one to blame for it all. It was you who was supposed to watch Baji's back, but you couldn't even watch yours and made yourself, Chifuyu, Manjiro, and everyone lose him as a consequence of your stupid actions.
The overwhelming feelings of sadness, guilt, and grief were too much to bear, leaving you feeling numb and unable to process everything that had happened. You were stuck in that place, that abandoned car lot, frozen by the weight of it all, feeling incapable of doing anything.
You would do anything to rewind the clock, to prevent that from happening, to save your friend. But now it was too late, and you felt lost and alone as the grief consumed you, the sensation of warm blood on your hands tormenting you once again.
You couldn't eat, you would throw it all up.
You couldn't sleep, you would have those nightmares again.
You couldn't clean the messy house, you would collapse midway.
All you could do was watch as the world around you continued to turn as if Baji's loss hadn't even happened, as if your friend had disappeared without a trace, as if he hadn't made an impact on anyone, as if his life and existence had meant nothing to the vastness of the world, as if he didn't even exist.
What a cruel and heartless reality, this unjust fate was the one to happen to everyone. It happened to your mother. It happened to Aarush. And now, it had reached the friend you were glad you had made.
As you made your way back to your bed, the new bandage getting bloodied right away, you felt defeated. There was nothing left to do but watch. Lay down in bed. Witness life pass you by. Wait for your time to run out as well.
But just as you reached the bed, the dizziness took over you, making you fall on the ground, head first.
You could hear the muffled meows of your kitten as she ran to you, somehow seeming too worried for an animal, looking right into the eyes you were arly opening, licking your nose as if encouraging you to get yourself back together.
"Don't worry," you spoke for the first time in a while, collecting all the energy left in your body and patting her on the head, a weak smile forming on you as you stood back up, clutching the table near you to help yourself.
Dizziness wasn't uncommon for you, you were used to the feeling, having experienced it multiple times before. You had lost a lot of blood, you had been running on empty, without a proper meal or a good night's sleep.
And despite your body's protests, you had gotten used to this life, to the pain and suffering it brought. But despite everything you had gotten used to, there was one thing you weren't used to, the one thing that caused it all.
You grabbed the pills from the table, the ones you had bought last year in secret after Rey had thrown away the ones that Aaru used. You remember calling him a drug addict for using Study drugs to help him stay concentrated during his exams, but now, after having lost another friend, you found yourself taking the pills once again.
It had never occurred to you to use them for any reason other than their intended purpose but after Aaru's death, your mind had changed.
It was in turmoil, filled with pain and grief, and the Study drugs were a way to escape the hurt you felt, the only thing keeping your head focused, the only thing not letting you fall asleep into the mercy of nightmares, the only thing keeping your ears from bleeding from the pitchiness of the whispers.
They were your beacon of hope, keeping you afloat in a sea of darkness and despair, that was why you couldn't help but tip out a couple of pills, swallowing them dry, your eyes watering as they scraped your throat.
And with that, the voices slowly started fading away, the dizziness started leaving your brain, and the tiredness started drifting by the second.
You were fine. Those pills made you fine. Even if you were breaking a promise you made to an old man years ago, they were the only thing preventing you from giving in to despair and hopelessness.
People always say that you should find a healthy way to cope. But you can't reach that unless you pass the unhealthy way first.
That was his saying. And he was right. You were finding your only way to cope. And that was it. So you won't be stopping until you reach your healthy way.
Throwing yourself on the bed suspiring, you held your phone, facing the light screen, ignoring all the unread messages, and opening a conversation tap with the same tired stares and heavy breathing.
It was full, showing multiple texts from you that were undelivered, and each one felt like another dagger straight to your heart. You didn't even glance at them, feeling as if each one was another stab wound in your heart, and started writing another, the pain and anguish growing more intense with each word you wrote.
You: Fuck. life.
You: I hate it.Not Delivered
You held onto his number, refusing to let it go, even though it had long been out of service. Every time you sent a text, every time you poured out your thoughts and feelings into those words, you knew in your heart that he was receiving them. Whether through the phone or from somewhere far above, he was listening, hearing every word you said, feeling every thought and emotion you expressed.
You: I hate you too.
You: For leaving me alone to deal with it.You: You should've just eaten me in the womb, Aaru.Not Delivered
You tossed your phone to the far end of your bed as if getting rid of it, and let yourself stare at the blankness of the darkness in your bedroom. The light of the sun was slowly filtering through the closed curtains, filling the room with a dim glow, and you felt yourself sinking deeper into the shadows, the silence of the room and the darkness surrounding you making you feel as though you were falling into an abyss.
Once again, your phone buzzed and filled the room with its white light. You glanced towards your phone and noticed the open tab, your eyes going wide with shock at the response you received from the expired number.
Aaruru: Haha
"Did you just answer me?" You said, voice barely audible, slowly moving to the phone too afraid to hold it.
It chimed again, and another message popped up, prompting you to jump from your spot.
Aaruru: Nice one.
"What the fuck? Aaru?!" You called, looking around as if waiting for him to appear in front of you somehow. You read the messages again, wondering if this was all a dream. But no, it was real, the expired number was answering you.
Or was it truly the reality? Was your brother miraculously texting you? Or you had just taken too many pills you couldn't tell the difference between reality and a hallucination?
You sighed, throwing your head on the bed again, the phone inches away from your face as you murmured. "Grandpa Rey will not like this..."
A sudden snort near you sounded in the middle of quietness. A familiar sound, a laughter you prayed to hear again.
Slowly lifting your head, you saw him, sitting at the edge of the bed, looking at you with the twin of your own gray eyes and a wide smile that caused them to close a bit, his dark waves thrown back. "You are in so much trouble if he caught you."
And before you could fully process his sight, your body moved on its own, throwing itself into his arms as he cradled you in a tight hug. "Oh my god, Aaru!" you managed to choke out, tears sprang to your eyes when you felt his warmth.
You had missed him so much and it felt surreal to hold him in your arms again. But this didn't make sense...
"Wait," you pushed him off you, your hands touching his face wherever they landed, making sure he wouldn't disappear with it. "Are you really here?"
He looked around, seemingly confused, and let out a quick chuckle. "Yeah, of course, Y/n," he said, not seeming the least bit annoyed by your constant facial touching. "I live inside you. I'm always here."
Those words filled you with comfort, making you laugh through the tears. "That's your way of saying "you're going crazy" or what?"
"That's my way of saying you are a huge dumbass for stealing my pills," he shrugged, arching an eyebrow. "I use those to study, you know."
"These aren't yours anyway," you laughed, wiping your snot with your sleeve.
"But you used mine before," he arched an eyebrow. "And it did not end well."
"Yeah, whatever, it's not like you still use them!" You complained, giggling midway, still snorting.
He chortled along, seeing you trying to sweep away the water from your tears. "With all seriousness," he started. "How unhappy are you that you ran to the thing that almost killed you before?"
You looked away, too ashamed to meet him in the eyes. Yet, he continued, pointing at the injury in your hand. "Dodged death again," he joked. "Good job, evil twin."
"Did I though?" You spoke, peeking back at him. "Dodge death, I mean..." You took a breath, not finding words to explain. "I don't know. I thought maybe if I took another pill it would calm me down, focus me a littl-"
"First of all, no," he stopped you, crossing his arms. "And B, do you really think focusing is what you need?"
"I thought I needed to ignore everything, start over, move on with life without you and Mom and Dad," you answered immediately, blankly staring around. "Then he showed up again. Then I thought that focusing on getting back at him would be the right choice. Then focusing on helping his friend instead..."
"I mean I get it, that kid was pretty cool," he chuckled. "Kind of reminded me of me if he knew how to spell."
"Yeah, he was a lot like you," you said, a small smile tugging at the corners of your face. But then, your smile dropped as you realized that you would never have to meet him again. You would never have to hide in a coffee shop to discuss your plans. You would never be annoyed with his constant messages. All that remained was a hollow emptiness in your chest, a gaping hole in your heart where he once was.
Your eyes got watery again, still not looking at the figure of your supposed-to-be brother. "He's really gone now, right?"
Only then did your phone ring, loud in the silence, the light glowing with the black words written on the white screen.
You turned to it, quickly closing it when you saw the name "Annoying Blondie", the ringing stopped and the stillness was rebuilt.
"Oh saucy," the boy let out mockingly, a smirk on his face.
Your stares shifted back to him, eyes red, still glimmering with tears as you leaned closer to him. "Aaru, I don't know what happened," you sounded, tone desperate. "I hated Manjiro so much. But now I-... I don't even..." You caught your breath, losing all words again.
Your head fell on your hands, attempting to drown yourself in them as well. "I'm self-sabotaging, aren't I?"
"Yeah..." He nodded.
Taking your hands off, and lifting your head, you spoke again. "Why can't I just be happy?"
"Oh Y/n," Aarush replied instantly, taking your hands into his. "You're not happy because you hate Manjiro," he said, a warm smile on his face when your eyes met. "It's because you can't find it in your heart to hate him."
Your heart skipped a beat at his words. For a moment, it was like the world stood still, like you were frozen in time, unable to take it as you felt that one tear drop down your face. "What..."
"He killed me two years ago and you still don't want to believe it," he added, his hand moving to your cheeks, cupping them. "You still like him just like you used to despite it all."
"N- No," you shook your head, crawling away from his touch and his soft gaze. "No. You're wrong."
"Y/n," he said again. "You know it. Deep down you know that I'm not wrong."
"No. No. How do you know that?" You closed your ears, somehow not managing to block his voice.
He smiled softly, gently, and moved closer to you. He took your hands off your ears, slowly, like he was preparing you for his next words. "I'm you," he spoke calmly, taking your hands, "I'm your mind, I'm not real," he continued, holding your gaze. He seemed as if he was waiting for you to disagree, to argue the point. Then he said it.
"If you think I'm wrong, then look me in the eye and say it."
Your heart was in your throat, you were speechless, because deep down, you knew.
Holding onto your eye contact, you opened your mouth and tried to talk him out of it when you saw the same glow in his eyes you believed you had. "I-..." You let out, voice drifting away before you could think of what to say.
Just as another tear fell down, you bit your lower lip, so hard you could feel it bleed. "I am so sorry."
Aarush looked down, giving a small chuckle as he met your apologetic gaze with his own soft one. "Don't be sorry for surviving," he said, your heart aching at his words. "You were the strong one," he continued. "You always knew it was going to turn out this way. That's why you held me so tight."
Your mind rushed to that moment, to your embrace like it was the first and last thing in the world, your arms wrapped around him as if you'd never let go. And he was right, you did know, deep down, that this was how it was always going to end.
You cried, sobbing softly, as you let go of Aarush and your foreheads met. The clones blended together, all of the emotion you had felt in that moment rushing through you again.
"Please, don't go again," you pleaded, your hands reaching for him as if you could stop him from leaving your side. But he wasn't real, he was only a figment of your imagination, a person who existed only in your mind.
To you, he was your soulmate, your other half, and losing him made you feel like you lost yourself the second the room turned quiet again, your sobs filling it and the darkness you were alone in.