She misses Liam and has not been able to figure out why because he doesn’t seem particularly interesting and is likely very dissimilar with her in terms of interests, activities and personality. She thinks back to that fleeting moment when they first “met”. Though she could not remember who the handsome partner in their mismatched couple was, after having seen Charlotte, she could now envision Liam being the unattractive one. She thus imagines Liam and herself being the mirror images of each other. The ugly, awkward, somewhat slower and dimwitted partners of two superior beings who consider themselves irreproachable. Liam and Eve are the balls and chains, the sources of conjugal dissatisfaction. They are what Dan and Charlotte settled for before realizing there was something better out there for them. And through all of this, Eve and Liam are the ones whose self- esteems have been irreparably damaged, who are left feeling not good enough. They are the ones who would continue to ply to satisfy their respective partners because they feel like pieces of shit and eagerly wait for some morsel of recognition - a smile or a gesture of appreciation.
This reflection may help us to better understand why Liam and Eve gave each other hope. Because they feel ridiculous and ashamed of having continued to love their respective partners, even though they had treated them so poorly, even though they had destroyed something in them. Liam and Eve mutually understand and respect each other’s fucked up feelings for their (ex) partners.
Eve believes she prematurely shut the door to Liam. She realizes that she may have lost contact with perhaps the only person who seems to understand and is willing to hear how she feels, no matter how self-denigrating her thinking. Communicating with him was hurting no one and in fact, it felt like it had some power to heal. Exchanging words with him would lead nowhere in terms of friendship, but had created a connection not possible with anyone else. She understands why Dan had insisted on closing the channels of communication, but he is unable to grasp how communicating with Liam lessens the turmoil and sadness that presses upon her.
Eve begins composing new messages to Liam in her head. They almost inevitably start with her saying that she misses writing to him. Then the letters, never sent, branch out different directions. Some inquire about how he is digesting the “pill” followed by a description of her own side effects. She tells him that the shift in her relationship sometimes seems insurmountable and how she wishes someone would express their anger and disgust towards Dan, seeing as she is unable to do so. She expresses frustration about how there appears to be no negative consequences for Dan’s actions - he still has his family, a spouse who loves(?) him, his friends, and relative discretion about the whole thing at work. Life continues for Dan as though nothing happened. She points out to Liam that he never even came to physically confront Dan as Dan had once predicted. She admits having hoped he would have done so and mentions that she would never have even tried to intervene. But this letter is too angry laden and she senses it shows an ugly part of her she is trying to camouflage.
Other letters adopt a more positive tone. They tell him that she enjoys communicating with him even though it is a bit crazy, or maybe not. She tells him she is under the impression that their friendship was interrupted prematurely and that her words of goodbye were only words. She tells him that she likes him a lot and asks how he is. She thinks these letters, though true in content, ring of false cheer.
The in-between letters tell him that she is thinking of him and mention the sadness, anger, and impulsiveness she dislikes about herself. She tries to bring humour into this letter by saying things like “I have one less coffee cup at home with their company’s logo on it, but don’t worry (or hope), I didn’t throw it at a person.” She concludes in saying that she is beginning to perceive herself as being less “nice” than she thought she was.
Broken no longer feels like just hurt, rage and self-denigration. Eve is beginning to truly feel like broken might involve going seriously nutty.
It is unclear how Liam is managing to not fall apart, seeing as he was already cracked. His fragile epileptic condition, being on the short end of the separation deal, his ability to safely parent questioned, his difficulty getting off his ass since the separation, and the seemingly impossible mission of finding love (except possibly through messages exchanged with the girlfriend of his ex-wife’s ex-lover), are weighing heavily in the balance.
Charlotte, now apparently less welcome in social circles (especially that of girls, particularly those with boyfriends), but welcome in those of single (and horny) or unhappily married (and horny) men, finds her weekends and evenings without Anna or Jake lonely. Lunch hours are particularly awkward and she takes to eating her lunch in front of her computer (a far cry from the Toyota RAV days!). The phone rings or beeps rarely, and invitations are sparse. Boy is she beginning to feel unhappy, a feeling not so unfamiliar to her, but one she has managed to avoid through social and occupational success.
But Eve’s brokenness truly seems to quite possibly involve going literally crazy, depending on what you think is a crazy reaction to her situation. Please do tell if you know what the norm is because despite her efforts to find a guide indicating what she should do, think and feel, all she could find was a guide for Dan. “How to help your spouse recover from your unfaithfulness” is filled with surprisingly useful truths in Eve’s opinion, and provides her with proof that Dan is likely doing pretty much everything wrong. So how should she react?
She has been trying to be wise and patient when it comes time for Dan to express himself or to reveal truths that could help her understand and process the shards of information, but she must admit that she has been unsuccessfully trying to figure out the passcode for Dan’s phone since the day he admitted having cheated on her. Dan is already long habituated to safeguarding his PIN number, and although he had thoroughly cleaned his phone of any incriminating happy hour and sick day photos, messenger messages, texts, and emails, he continues to fear any blind corners in his data that could be discovered. However, since Eve accidentally saw the message from Charlotte, she started doubling her efforts to learn the passcode.
One day her efforts pay off. Whether there was a reward to be had is a questionable thing because she indeed finds messages from deep within the phone, and this treasure is a toxic one.
The initial messages she finds took place around the time that Mike Smith stepped into the story. She was actually amused to see the Mike Smith story happening from Charlotte’s and Dan’s perspectives. It started with a message from Liam that Charlotte forwarded to Dan saying that he had been informed by a Mike Smith that she had been cheating on him. He says that he is sad, which for Eve, confirms that he is short-texted but also provides proof that he is not the Mr. Short-tempered guy that Charlotte had made him out to be. Most interestingly, she finds the email Dan had described in which Charlotte expresses her wish that Eve “support” her by lying to Liam if he were to contact her. She also found out it is true that Dan told Charlotte to take responsibility for telling Liam. In one email, Charlotte tells Dan that she thinks that Liam believes her lies, although Liam had told Eve he never did. Overall, everything Eve reads corroborates with what Dan had told her, which leads Eve to conclude that he has been telling the truth (with lots of omissions of course).
Further investigation reveals two Facebook messages: “Are you coming to meet me?” and one informing Dan that she is upset and wants to talk to him about some bad news she had received. In another email entitled “cheque”, she simply states that she registered him for a social club roller-skating activity and tells him to add it to his agenda (Eve chuckles a little when she reads this because Dan hates roller-skating). Charlotte also sends two messages asking Dan if he still plans on giving her rides to the Doctor’s office. These were sent after Dan had supposedly left her.
Eve’s emotions are now starting to heat up. To actually see Charlotte’s invitations to meet and to request money (from their shared bank account) to pay for an activity they did together, knowing the night ended with a blow job minimally, was disturbing. To see that Charlotte counted on him for more than just sex, but also for caring and support was also disturbing. Eve was beginning to disconnect from the emotional charge of this new information. She looks for signs of affection, some “romance” in their exchanges like “I miss you” or “I can hardly wait to see you”, and finds none.
For now.
Then she finds this, dated shortly after Liam’s enlightenment, from Charlotte to Dan:
OK. I just phoned Liam. He received a message from a Mike Smith. I know no one with this name. Probably a false identity. None of my close friends would have put my life and that of my daughter’s in danger. Right now, Liam believes me when I tell him it’s not true. If ever he communicates with you, please tell him it isn’t true. Please give me back my key and it really pains me to have been so stupid to have believed in us. I loved you and I know what we did wasn’t OK, but I thought we would end up together. Regardless, I have to accept it. It’s your choice and I can’t do anything about it. Leave the key on my desk and good luck. I hope you will regret it.
“Key, what key?”
Her reaction is mixed with relief that Dan truly was clear about the end and that he must have told her that cheating was not OK. Eve felt good that Charlotte was “pained” and considers herself to be stupid. Eve is also glad to hear Charlotte say mean things to him about his choice. The fact that Charlotte had hoped that she and Dan would one day be together was further encouraging for Eve, for it suggested that they never did succeed in “being together”. Charlotte had been putting in time and sex with the hopes of beginning a relationship with him that never truly materialized. It also concurred with Dan saying that he never told her he wanted to be with her as a couple and that it was she who had made plans, which is reflected in the fact that she now realizes she was stupid for thinking it would work (as opposed to whining about him making fake promises). Eve scrutinizes all the words for information that will make three years seem like less of a betrayal than it really is. She fools herself into believing that her reading these messages is actually helpful for her.
Overall, her tactics are actually quite unsuccessful because Eve is thoroughly upset and disturbed by this written proof of the intensity and length of their relationship. Moreover, she knows she cannot express her reaction, much less ask questions, because she hasn’t finished scouring the phone. She carries Charlotte’s words with her throughout the days. She waits for another opportunity to check Dan’s phone. When it occurs (in the middle of the night), she is shaking when she composes the passcode. By the time she finds more hidden messages, she is sweating and feels faint.
She fears the emotional reaction she might experience, though she needn’t have because this time, she completely dissociates. She feels completely disconnected from her body, as though she were watching Eve read the messages on a movie screen. These new messages are definitely not helpful.
Nov 30th 2015. Dan to Charlotte: Hi, I left too quickly for my appointment this morning and I need to eat at a (real) restaurant at lunch. Would it be difficult for you? I think you’re busy. You will surely appreciate the weekend! I miss you… XXX.
April 27th 2016. Dan to Charlotte: If you take the time to eat, text me on my cell if you have yours.
September 6th 2016 (while Eve was out of town). Dan to Charlotte: I would have like to have told you how you were classy in your dress this morning! To reassure you if needed, before this day at work, to tell you how you will again impress everyone! I hope that your day went well beautiful girl.
October 7th, 2016 (while Eve was still out of town): Hello beautiful girl. Tomorrow, if you don’t call in sick, I would like for you to come have coffee at my house. Let me know what you want to do… xxx.
Later October 7th, 2016: It was really nice having coffee with you.
February 12th, 2017 Happy Valentine’s day. I’ll be thinking of you.
She knows she is not correctly processing what she reads. She reads the words, but everything inside her is disconnected, fragmented.
She takes photos of the messages in order to read them later, which is about the only organized thing she did. She stops looking in the phone because she has suddenly become confused about simple things like where she is (in her kitchen), what time is it (2 in the morning), whose phone she holds (it’s Dan’s), and what she is doing (looking for emails between Dan and Charlotte)? Eve trembles uncontrollably, she sweats profusely. She sets the phone down and goes back to bed without even trying to erase any proof of passage.
When she comes back to bed, Dan asks her what she was doing.
“I was reading messages between you and Charlotte on your phone.”
Despite all the energies invested into obtaining Dan’s passcode, she just closed her window of opportunity.
Dan begins to laugh. Not just a Hah! He laughs, so certain he is that this was not possible.
Eve begins to cite various messages word for word, one after the other. When she looks back on that moment, it was if she was an autistic savant, for despite complete disconnection from her emotions, she had memorized the words of the messages after only a quick clandestine read.
Dan is no longer laughing. He asks how it is possible and she tells him the truth. “I entered your passcode.”
It is her heart answering these questions, revealing her secret, as it had decided it could handle no more. Her head is screaming don’t tell, look again tomorrow, there are more! The heart, which had been shushed and shunned for so many months, had taken advantage of Eve’s fragmented state to speak up and against the intentions of her brain. It was probably good for her to have revealed her actions to Dan, but she will regret it for years to come as she would obsess over all the information not gained during that one golden opportunity.
Obviously, he changed the passcode and she never again was able to access those dark corners of his cell phone.
The next day, she read the emails and sees some of the extent of Dan’s lies. He had said Charlotte never came to their house and acted as if it would be sacrilege, and yet he invited Charlotte “for coffee” in the morning during a time that Eve was out of town with the boys. Then he told Charlotte he enjoyed having coffee with her in a text dated mere hours after the initial one. There was another email wishing Charlotte a happy Valentine’s Day with probably more heart put into it than he had ever wished Eve. Another email told Charlotte how beautiful and lovely she looks, whereas Eve is lucky to get a compliment when she dresses up to go out to a party. Saying they never went on dates or to the restaurant together alone for fear of being seen together and yet inviting her to go to a “real restaurant”. All these emails end with multiple kisses. But even worse, Charlotte is referred to as “beautiful girl”, which is the nickname Dan had given Eve.
There are more bothersome facts that contradict Dan’s version: Saying they had no projects together when he had been given a key to a house under construction. Saying they never talked about their personal lives when family and doctor’s appointments were subject to conversations and favours.
I know you are not surprised.
She attempts to get Dan to clarify the content of the messages, but instead of obtaining answers to her enquiries, he tells her that it is taking too long for her to move on, reminding her that if such is the case, then she is responsible for the relationship’s failure. Rule numbers 5 (never get mad) and 9 (never show you’re unsatisfied with how the relationship is going). Also, it is always your fault. She agrees with him, but points out that they as a couple have not found a way to move forward together. At this moment in time, she is far from being able to have a constructive conversation about the Charlotte, Dan, Eve and Liam story. She certainly knows she has needs in this regard. The silence required of her only gives rise to increasing frustration, feelings of injustice, and doubts about her relationship with Dan that end up coming out in crooked and emotionally charged discussions that then confirm his belief that it is not good to talk about it.
The contradictions in the story provided by Dan are particularly bothersome. A relationship based on sex in an automobile, of all places, without love or attachment that lasts 3 years (at least), is unconvincing. Dan saying he was a rather passive actor, yet writing vigorous texts about missing her, sending invitations and giving compliments accompanied by written with displays of affection, was hard to swallow.
It is no wonder Eve has difficulty believing compliments or declarations of love. It is no wonder she feels ugly and unappealing. It is no wonder Eve can’t help think that Dan is better off avoiding these thorny subjects. She has no difficulty seeing things through his eyes and how he could have come to select a disappointing second choice out of guilt driven rationalizations. Eve had even believed that Dan was incapable of affectionate words or of complimenting, but now knows that he simply had none for her. It would be a leap of faith to consider his new found compliments towards her to be authentic.
Even more enraging in this situation is that expression of her thoughts and feelings only provoke an angry guilt-laden reaction that eclipses her own and suddenly become the relational priority.
Eve, suck it up. Poor Dan instead.
The urge to confront the bitch grows, seeing as Dan is a dead end.
Eve’s brain can no longer string together organized thoughts. She walks around repeating key words. “Bitch, …, whore, …, homewrecking whore, liar, …, selfish, …, slut, …, cheap, ….”
Eve has tilted.
She also walks around with hostile thoughts directed toward Dan alone, but these are diluted by sadness.
Eve feels invaded. Charlotte has been in her personal space, she has received email and messages with more kindness than Eve receives even now.
Eve is gagging on the urge to write to Charlotte to get more details and Dan is extremely worried that Eve will, because he is having doubts about what it would do to her sanity and also fears that the spreading of this information will greatly influence how he is perceived by others. Eve’s friends also tell her not to do it. They raise the possibility that Charlotte will lie or exaggerate, provide a tainted portrait and or sordid details that aren’t really what Eve is really looking for.
Lisa tells her she can expect both Charlotte and Dan to be assholes if she asks them how the shit went down.
“Yes she gives good head, is pretty and probably has a tight twat, but her actions speak best about who she is.” These are Lisa’s reassuring words, but their consoling effect is limited. Don’t you find it weird that Eve doesn’t direct as much of her anger towards the equally responsible party? But how could she choose to stay with someone towards whom she feels such rage?
Eve thinks about how she must have been something like a bug, an irritating fly that he could swat at without any serious intention of making it cease to buzz around him. Her loneliness had gathered weight until she had finally found the courage to be happy without being connected to him, only to be thrown down by a focused slam of the palm, left stunned and with an invasive and persistent doubt about her value. All courage lost.
She thinks that if she has sufficient truth, she will find sufficient courage to leave. Eve feels so sad. She feels so hurt. She feels sick to her stomach and runs to the bathroom where she vomits.
She is going crazy all by herself, but if she shows that she is going crazy, then she will be considered even uglier than she already feels. She is becoming uglier. Being sorry also makes her uglier, and she is so sorry. She’s sorry for being in the way and for not being enough. She’s sorry for being ugly inside and out. She’s sorry for crying. She’s sorry for being sad. She’s sorry for being a nut case. She’s sorry for going a little crazy. She’s sorry for holding on. She’s sorry for not being able to let go. She’s sorry for wanting to know things. She’s sorry for wanting to confront Charlotte. She’s sorry for wanting to write to Liam. She’s sorry for wanting to write to Mike Smith. She’s sorry for wishing for answers. She’s sorry for wasting Dan’s time. She’s sorry for making him so unhappy. She’s sorry for being stupid. She’s sorry for not being classy. She’s sorry, she’s sorry, she’s sorry.
I already told you her thoughts were becoming disorganized.
Yes, Eve’s brain is broken, along with its channel of communication with her heart. She is having serious non-sarcastic and not so comic doubts about her sanity at this point. She really can’t wrap her head around all this.
Well, if you’re going to be crazy, you might as well do crazy things. Eve opens messenger and texts Liam the song suggestion of Cheers (I’ll drink to that) by Rihanna.