Brianna was holding my arms tightly as we walked inside the airport. I’m not just emotionally in pain but I could feel the sting in between my legs as I walked through. And it just continued to remind me of my reality, ilang oras palang ang nakalilipas magmula ng mangyari iyon.
I took a deep breath and held Brianna in my arms tightly. Malapit na ang oras at aalis na ako ng tuluyan.
In the distance, I saw Sir Ejay sitting with his luggages beside him, wala siyang kasama habang si Brianna at Kuya Rene naman ang kasama ko. Mom wasn’t even at home, and I am sure she is with Andra, and they probably just spent their time together at the after party of the concert.
At siguradong nandoon rin si Pierce.
Muli kong naramdaman ang pananakit ng dibdib ko sa naisip. But I don’t have time for it, hinahabol ako ng oras at pagkakataon.
Our eyes met and he stood up. Ngumiti ako ng pilit at umupo sa linya niya.
I held Brianna’s shoulder but she quickly hugged me. Umiyak siya ng tuluyan sa balikat ko at tuluyan na ring napaluha. Nabasag ang kalooban ko.
“Ate, hu-huwag ka na lang umalis…” She sobbed harder in my arms and I rubbed her back, calming her. Nanginginig ang balikat niya sa sobrang pag iyak.
Bumitaw ako at pinunanasan ang luha niya. “Babalik pa naman ako…hindi ka naman iiwan ni Ate. At para sayo rin ito diba?”
I wiped away my tears and hugged her tightly again. Halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko at hindi ko na alam kung ano ba ang uunahin. Gusto ko na lang na maging mahina pero pati iyon ay hindi ko pwedeng gawin. I can't even pity myself at this point.
Muli kong pinunasan ang mga luha niya. “I’ll call you whenever I have the free time…pangako iyan.”
She nodded her head and hugged her again. Walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat para sa akin, sa pag alis ko, pero isa lang ang alam ko…masaya ako na may babalikan pa ako rito…at may rason pa ako para bumalik. Brianna needed me as much as I needed her. At siya na lang ang natitirang kapamilya ko.
“Let's go, Liberty.” Narinig ko ang boses ni Sir Ejay sa tabi ko at bumitaw na ako ng tuluyan kay Brianna.
We bid our goodbyes one more time and that’s it, kailangan ko ng umalis.
She waved her hands at me as she tried not to cry. Nasa likod niya si Kuya Rene na malungkot rin na nakatingin sa amin. Naghabilin na ako sa kanya at kahit na nandyan naman si Mama, ay hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na mag alala. I still needed someone to looked for Brianna in my behalf, at si Kuya Rene lang ang mapagkakatiwalaan ko.
We entered the gate and I knew there was no turning back. Muli akong sumulyap sa huling pagkakataon at pinunasan ang mga luha ko.
Mahirap umalis, pero mas mahirap manatili. Hindi ko kaya at hindi ko kakayanin. I just hope that the future will be more kind to me, at magtitiis ako kasalukuyan para doon.
I was exhausted the whole day and I didn’t even have a proper sleep. Sir Ejay and I were seated together at kahit papaano ay komportable naman ako, gusto kong magpahinga kahit kaunti lang pero hindi ako makatulog.
Nanatili akong mulat at kong makakaidlip man ako ay mababaw lang.
“Are you fine?”
Napatingin ako kay Sir Ejay ng magsalita siya. He was looking at me worriedly.
Tumango ako at pilit na ngumiti. “Okay lang, Sir.”
I looked at the window again and fidgeted my fingers at my lap. I heard him breathing deeply and felt him touch my hair, like a father to his daughter. Though, ilang taon lang naman ang pagitan namin.
Muling nalipat ang tingin ko sa kanya at ngayon ay nakangiti na siya ng marahan sa akin.
“You will be fine, Liberty. Hindi pa siguro sa ngayon...but I am sure you will be fine. The burden that you're feeling right now will be gone, I’m sure of it.”
Muling namuno ang mga luha ko sa sinabi niya. I tearily nodded my head and let out a genuine smile.
“Thank you, Sir.” I chuckled and wiped away my tears and he smiled at me even more. Kahit papaano gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.
We arrived at the airport after more than fifteen hours of flight. This isn’t my first time flying outside the country but this is my first time coming in here.
“Let’s go, may susundo sa atin.” Sir Ejay helped me with my things as he looked for his contacts.
Maya-maya pa ay may tinawagan siya at nag abang na kami sa may labasan. A few minutes passed and a car stopped in front of us, isang Filipino ang lumabas at mukhang magkakilala sila ni Sir Ejay.
“He is Sir Rudulfo, he will be our guide with our training.” He whispered beside me.
Tumango naman ako at tumingin kay Sir Rudulfo. He looked fit and he was indeed in the military, but his white hair is already showing.
I am sure that his name was mentioned during our meeting with this training but my mind was too occupied. I don’t even know what the next step is after this, mabuti na lang talaga at may kasama ako.
We were introduced to each other and Sir Rudulfo has this fatherly figure on him. Hindi ko mapigilan na maalala si Papa sa kanya, though my father is way more older than him.
“Don’t worry. You two will live in a one apartment, two separate bedrooms and everything will be funded.”
He smiled through the reviewer mirror and I smiled too. “Paano po ang training? Mahirap po ba?”
From what I could remember, it would be a physical training but also more on the use of technology, an intelligence analysis training to be exact. And it is not just training, this is work too. We may be designated to certain cases and I think that is more important, the actual application of our training.
“Mahirap, pero kakayanin niyo sigurado ako. This will help you alot in your field, lalo na at mga bata pa kayo. And this will help your agency a lot too, kapag babalik na kayo ng Pilipinas.”
Tumango ako. Matagal ko na rin itong gustong subukan pero sa paglipas ng panahon ay nawaglit na sa isipan ko. And now that I have the opportunity to do so, the timing fell short and wrong. At ito ang ginawang paraan ni Mama para paalisin ako ng tuluyan.
We arrived at an apartment building. Not those expensive looking apartments but this is more than enough considering that this is the U.S.
Sir Rudulfo helped us with our things and rode the elevator. We reached our floor number and we ge out. Bumungad sa akin ang linya ng mga unit at hinanap namin ang amin.
He opened the door for us and we got in.
"For now, this is your place. Pero kung gusto niyo ng makihalubilo sa mga katrabaho niyo, you may transferred to their building. You need time to adjust so…for now, rest and report tomorrow."
"Thank you, Sir." Sir Ejay saluted kaya sumunod na rin ako.
Nang tuluyan ng makaalis si Sir Rudulfo ay tingnan ko ang kabuuan ng unit namin. It was like a regular condo inside but it was small. Tama lang naman para sa amin lalo na at may kanya-kanya na kaming silid.
"You can choose your room." Sir Ejay blurted out.
Kaagad ko namang pinuntahan ang unang kwarto at bumungad sa akin ang isang single bed. It wasn't really single at kasya siguro ang dalawang tao.
There is another room and a huge cabinet on the side of the bed, meron rin study table at malaking bintana sa tapat ng lamesa. This is more than enough for me.
Humarap ako kay Sir Ejay at ngumiti. "Okay na po to sa akin."
He nodded his head. "Rest and if you are hungry, may pagkain na rin sa na nakahanda galing kay Sir."
He helped me once again with my things until I was left alone in my room. I sat on my bed and looked at my surroundings. The silence and the overall atmosphere made me hollow inside.
I opened my phone and connected my phone with the wifi. Nang matapos ito ay binuksan ko ang messaging app ko at hinanap ang pangalan ni Brianna. She might still be sleeping right now but I still texted her, pati na rin si Mama.
I scrolled down my phone and looked for his name. Nang mahanap ko ito ay bumungad sa akin ang huling pag uusap namin.
I took a deep breath and chose the option to delete our messages, but I contemplated for a moment. My eyes were glued on it and I started scrolling back to our past conversations.
Pabigat ng pabigat ang nararamdaman ko sa bawat basa ko at sa huli ay para akong nawalan ng lakas. I closed it right away ang surrendered my back on the bed.
I still can't do it...siguro hindi pa ngayon...I can't just move on that fast right? Pwede bang pagbigyan ko muna ang sarili ko ngayon? Kasi pakiramdam ko hindi pa rin totoo lahat ng nangyari pero ramdam ko ang sakit sa akin na nagpapaalala na totoo lahat ng ito. The chilling effect of what happened is slowly penetrating my mind again, at nakakapanghina ng husto.
Sinubukan kong ipahinga ang katawan ko isipan. I closed my eyes and surrendered all the burden that I have for tomorrow, and at last with too much overthinking I finally was able to sleep.
We were busy the next morning at kahit papaano ay nawawaglit sa isipan ko ang mga pangyayari. We reported the next morning to our office, to Sir Rudulfo. It's not yet our official training and duty and we still had time to stroll around the city and buy things at our new apartment.
Sir Ejay and I explored our neighbourhood the whole afternoon and brought essential things that we needed, funded rin ito kaya hindi na kami mamomoreblema. At kapalit lahat ng ito ay serbisong ibibigay namin pagbalik namin sa bansa.
At night, Brianna and I had our first video call. She looked happy on the screen at nasa higaan pa siya.
"Ate, namimiss na kita." She lamented.
Ngumiti ako ng marahan. "Miss na rin kita. Kamusta ang school?"
She scratched her head. "It was fine. Binisita ko rin si Papa kanina at sinabing umalis ka na."
Napangiti ako ng mapait. "Will you tell him that I am doing fine then?"
She beamed at me and nodded her head. "Sasabihin ko po...pero...nag usap na po kayo ni Kuya Pierce? I saw him with Ate Andra yesterday."
Nablangko ang isipan ko sa tanong niya. But more importantly, Pierce is with Andra...napatikhim ako ng muling bumalik ang pilit kong tinatakpan na sakit ng dibdib ko...pero mabuti naman kung ganun...bagay naman sila, bagay na bagay.
Winala ko ang usapan at nagpapasalamat ako ng hindi na niya binalikan ang tanong. She told me her stories hanggang sa napansin niyang inaantok siguro ako. Ramdam ko muli ang pagod sa maghapon namin na ginawa kaya hindi ko na mapigilan na antukin.
"Rest well, Ate. Tatawag po ulit kayo, okay?"
I smiled and waved my hands and she ended our call. Tuluyan akong pumikit at kahit na inaantok naman ako kaninang nag uusap kami ay hindi ko mapigilan na mag isip ng malalim patungkol sa tanong niya.
Andra and Pierce were together. I didn't even clarify what's the context of it and I'm afraid to do so. I could just search their names right now and the latest updates will pop up but I am afraid.
It occupied my mind until I was able to sleep. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto oras na ba ang nakalipas pero nagpapasalamat ako na nagawa ko paring makatulog.
Nagising ako kinabukasan at kaagad kami na naghanda ni Sir Ejay. We arrive at the training center and we are grouped accordingly. Iba't-iba ang kasama namin pero karamihan ay mga amerikano.
We were the only Filipinos but there were others from Asian countries. They were kind and approachable at meron rin namang hindi. But that is normal I guessed...hind na iyon maiiwasan sa trabaho.
The first day was pure orientation and Sir Rudulfo was our mentor. He told us the basics of our training and from what I am just hearing, I am sure that it is more bloody than what I have experienced before.
On the bright side, they are strict inside but you can do anything once you are outside, hindi na iyon mahigpit para sa akin hindi katulad noong nag tra-training palang talaga ako, where you are under surveillance for 24 hours.
I was busied all throughout the day at wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang makinig. It is very effective in making me forget him. Sa gabi naman ay naghanda na ako ng mga gamit ko para kinabukasan. At dahil hindi ko maiwasan na kabahan para sa mga activity namin bukas ay iyon muli ang nasa isipan ko lang.