I forgot to get to school early today. But it was alright. I pushed the door to the school, like I didn't almost hit the door cause' of my lack of attention I put into them. I think I also walked past my 'supposedly friends'. That also didn't matter today.
I really didn't know how one interaction with anyone would make me a whole new person. My existing suddenly became more lively, or at least for today. I celebrated it. Of course, I was looking at my phone all the way.
I asked That Twilight if she was awake firstly cause' after yesterday's explanation, I got to know how her week worked. She told me how being a good student affected her decision to choose her school hours at home. She had some classes three days a week, and the other two of them she worked in the shop where I met her. On the last two days, she was free to do whatever. It happened to be the second day of her work, so she texted me back fourty minutes after I woke up.
'How long have you been working there? I used to be there every other day tbh, and at that time you clearly weren't there'
'a couple of months for sure, but i used to work in different places as well' - She explained. - 'it isnt my first or last job and im probably gonna have experience with everything' - She didn't sound like she was bragging there at all. She was just honest most of the time, which was a good thing. - 'i am choosing places where i can get a good amount of money and be able to have flexible working hours'
'Understandable' - I placed my back against the closest wall to me. - 'Are you saving for something?' - I asked, and I didn't know why I felt like a pause between this message had been longer than usual. Maybe she was just doing something? I impatiently waited, and it was the only time my face went blank from over all happiness.
'its nice to have money' - She finally responded. - 'i dont have to ask my mom for anything really, so she doesnt have to worry' - I placed my brows down.
'Does she have to?' - I typed quickly. It seemed like another pause was caused. - 'It kinda sounded like that, sorry if I got the wrong idea or something' - I supposedly could start a topic of something I shouldn't talk about at the second day of knowing. I was sure I could've scared her away a little. Quickly, I wanted to save the situation. - 'You don't have to answer anything'
'nah nah its nothing its fine' - If she was here, she would've waved her hand to let go. - 'i could say i dont like seeing her doing anything for me i guess' - That made sense, so I nodded to myself.
'Yeah, I get it, but it's nice to have your mom's back'
'my mother went through a lot with me hahahh, i dont even know how she can still trust me.'
'I'm sure she has many reason to do so'
'idk' - The text said. - 'how are your parents btw?' - If I didn't control myself enough, I was sure I'd have a flashback right there. I put myself together quickly. I didn't want to think about it.
'Well, I live alone, I have my own apartment'
'ohh, really? thats so cool' - This sentence seemed like she was the most excited right now. - 'so u live far away from them, then?'
'Yeah, it's been a while, but I prefer living like that for sure' - I wasn't lying there.
'it must be nice' - It sounded like heaven, even for me, but when I couldn't have anyone to talk to for months already, it's been getting harsh. Some nights I was begging for having someone with me. I'll never forget it. - 'do you live near that store?'
'Oh not really, actually' - I answered without hesitation. - 'I just like it cuz not many people come here to buy stuff' - I commented. - 'It isn't crowded or smth'
'now you can guess why i chose to work there ;))' - I smilled brighly at still sentence. Everytime she added an emoji, it made me feel better. I think I just liked seeing she wasn't all cold, at least not all the time.
'Yeah I think I do ;)' - I gave her an agreement by this message. When I finally looked up, I checked the clock.
It showed me I had two minutes for my first class of the day. Right now, I needed to move fast, cause I wasn't anywhere near it. I rushed between group of students. It didn't help my post-demon anxiety. I was sure everyone was looking at me right now, when I usually was always in the right spot. I tried so hard to ignore it and my thoughts.
I was so focused on that I accidentely bumped into somone.
-Hey! Watch where your going! - She said without seeing who I was. I needed to move fast. I was afraid to make anyone angry.
-I'm sorry, Trixie...! - I tried to keep my balance, so I could run again in a second. - It won't happen again... - I looked at her face. She seemed to be shocked that I was the clumsy person, who bumped into her. Luckily I somehow saw no anger or frustration from her. I could've sworn that all she did was blink twice at me. I run off even faster, but this time, more careful on what was around me.
---------------------------------------------------
'brb there are a lot of clients rn'
'Np, I'm waiting for you then :)' - I said I would. That, though, meant minutes were about to pass by without me having anything to do with myself. I looked up from my phone onto the school hall. It could've been the first time today that I had an opportunity to look around. I immediately felt uneasy, and being back to facing reality wasn't the greatest.
Disorientation filled me when I started walking anywhere I could. Lunch just started, and that meant I usually went to some quiet place. This time, I chose the library. I wasn't sure yet if I could even go there without being next to unlikely people. Luckily, I had a lot of time to find any other room and to rest in it.
-Hey! Demon! Wait up for us! - My ears started burning with the second word. I didn't listen. I was praying that would do the job for them to leave me alone. Sadly, I wasn't quite right. - Did you not hear what I said? - He hugged my neck aggressively. When I turned to see his face, I realized I didn't know him at all. I didn't remember bullying him even once. That made me wonder what he wanted from me.
-Can I... help you? - I tried to play it cool and, of course, nice. I didn't want to return the energy he gave me. It felt threteaning.
-How does it feel to be obsolutely evil? - I saw another person on my other side, and still, I didn't recognize anyone.
-I don't know... - That actually was almost true. My brain was still functioning differently than when I used to be all mean. I couldn't answer this question, even if I really wanted to. I also wanted to know the answer.
-Come on Sunset... Everyone knows how you are... - They stood in front of me, which made me stop the walk.
-You cannot talk back anymore? - The other asked. They both started laughing at me, and I didn't have the guts to do anything other than look down. I tried not to interact out of fear that the situation would develop badly.
-What about a fight, huh?! - One of them immediately grabbed my hair and started pulling me against the wall. My first reflex was to get away, but I couldn't do it without feeling any pain. The overall panic grew in me. - Answer me!
-Please! Leave me alone! I'll do anything! Please...! - I sounded so pathetic. All of my once-known power was gone. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. The feeling of scare that someone might see me, while I could've been trying to get away from them and blame me for it made me completely paralyzed.
-Oh really? Like what? - The one who held my hair tried to make eye contact with me. I purposely was avoiding it. - Come on, I'll be nice to you... Think of what you could do for us. - I started shaking as an automatic reaction of my body. I mentally didn't see an exit, but my body was telling me to run as fast as I posibly could.
-I... I can't... I just... - I tried to do anything with only my hands.
-What is going on here?! - I heard a loud tone that definitely came from an adult. I wasn't able to see who it was just yet, but it seemed like they scared the attacking boys. My hair has been finally let down. I still felt some discomfort left in my head. - What are you two doing to her?! This is unacceptable! - I finally could pay attention to her. The principal was looking pissed at the act of harassment these two were trying to do. I stayed still against the wall all the time. - To my office, right now! - They looked like they wanted to take a run so they could get away from punishment. It wasn't posibble and I was kind of relieved. They were guarded as they went there. Although the principal hasn't left me. - Are you alright? - She asked while coming closer. - You also should come. You'll tell me and my sister what happened between you and those two... - I didn't let her say anything else. When I looked at her face once, I wanted to run. And with it, I did just that.
I couldn't look at her while she was there, helping me. It all had to do with the person she shared a face with. If she'd see how much of a coward I was... Let's just say she would be disappointed. She always wanted the best out of me, even when I had a different opinion or deeply wasn't able to do what she ordered. With those memories, the past was chasing me.
I got into the library and went to the second floor of it. I ran for a little longer to be in the deepest part of it. I could finally get myself down. My back touched the wall, and soon I was sitting on the floor. Then I noticed my breathing, which was panicky and extremely irregular. I tried focusing on that as my only hope to feel better.
The silence hit me in the worst way possible. I was near a total shutdown and mental breakdown. Everything I did was to stop me from breaking at school. I looked at my hands, which I barely moved cause of their noticeable shakiness. I felt like a child, but in a bad way. My tears were being held tightly. I looked up to the ceiling. I focused on it when it was better to keep up there.
After a minute, I got distracted by the light. I looked at the cause to notice my phone which fell out of my pocket. Without any life energy I picked it up.
'ok im back, solved it all' - She successfully returned. - 'i hope you didnt wait long and youre not in class now' - The hope was nice. It showed me that she also cared about texting me. It didn't help me fully, but was still needed now.
'Dw, it's lunchtime now' - I barely managed to put together a simple sentence. Furthermore, I missed the send button two times. I was so onto telling myself to calm down, that I could literally start shouting and hitting my head against the wall.
'youre eating with friends?' - I wanted to smash my phone with my hand so bad right now. The anger raised inside me, and it was only targeted at me. It didn't help my melancholy when the its level went up. Still, I seemed to have the power to answer anything.
'No' - It was short but truthful.
'no?' - I clearly surprised her. - 'are you eating alone?' - The hesitation in me was huge. I didn't know why I felt like I wanted to tell her how I couldn't count on anyone. I didn't want to look like a loser. Still, the urge was eating me alive.
'I don't go to the cafeteria' - One big tear fell across my face. I didn't stop it. Admission was already done.
'what are you eating through the school day then?' - She picked up a different topic than I expected. I thought she was gonna ask about having a place there. I finally wiped up my face.
'I don't'
'what the check girl? what do u manage to get through the day like that?' - I fidgeted with my fingers. I didn't know what to answer without making her disappointed, mad, or anything like that. Minutes passed. - 'hey idk if it's appropriate for me to say anything really. but r u alright?' - I finally sobbed. I officially didn't care.
'I'm hiding in the library' - I expained. - 'I'm scared to come out'
'why? what happened??' - I tried to keep myself together and push through. The only thing that sounded like saving was texting her and getting my emotions out like that. Still I felt like I was leaving reality every now and then. I holded on my cries a little too much.
'I don't wanna be here.' - I started. - 'I wanna go home' - I continued. - 'Why can't everyone just leave me alone?' - I was talking to myself at this point. I haven't had any opportunity to say anything like this to anyone for the whole two months of trying and being ruined. I was so fed up with it. I was constantly breaking. - 'I feel so hopeless here'
'damn...' - First word left me without any trace what she thought about my little confession. I didn't know if she even cared. With all my heart, I wanted for her to have a solution. Or anything like that. I just wanted her to say something that would make me stand with my strength. - 'youre not in good shape, are you?' - I didn't answer it for another minute. I was too focussed on my face getting wetter and wetter, and my state was still going down. - 'ok now dont think im weird cuz of this, k?' - She typed when she wasn't getting any respond from me. - 'lets call. do u wanna do it here or, do u wanna give me your number?' - My eyes widen at something that looked like a command.
'What? No, you don't have to, I'm fine' - I suddenly tried to stop what I've started. Although I was still crying, deep inside, I knew it would help me. I could get the thought of actual help, though.
'stop lying before i get mad' - Her anger was rising, and I felt like I was really pinned against the wall. - 'i got away from cleaning for you' - I looked at the last two words for a bit. The only thing that made me look away was feeling of another tear falling from my face onto my lap. I logically didn't have much of a choice. Making her mad was a good warning for me to get me to do what she wanted.
I went to my contact's and copied my own. The number has been copied immediately, just like I ignored my half-functional hands. I placed it in our chat and sent it without hesitation. Worry built up in me, if she was really going to call me. If so, what will she say, really?
I didn't think for long. An unknown number appeared on my screen. I looked at it for a few seconds and slowly moved my finger to click the green button. Funny enough, I wasn't thinking weirdly about it. I completely forgot who she was or who she could be in another dimension.
-...Hello? - I said, which made me uncover all my nooks and crannies.
-So... you're also crying, huh? - She wanted to sound surprised more than she actually was. Somehow, she read me up and down while not knowing me very much. - What made you upset?
-It's... nothing... - I was quiet as ever. - I'm so sorry to bother you... - I felt like I was loosing in something. I usually didn't do it. When I was princess' student, I also had my downs, and somehow I managed to pull myself together every time. Why not now...? Oh wait, I know... stupid rainbow laser...
-Stop saying that... - Her harsh voice stood out the most right now. - I can hear you trying not to cry, you know? - She commented, which made me fully shut up. - Don't hide it now. You should let it out.
-What... if... someone hears me...? - Saying my biggest fear right now came out pretty fast.
- Who cares about others? You need to let yourself feel better if you feel like it. - Her attitude was something I surely couldn't keep in my life. Although, listening to her voice made me want to follow her lead. - There's only me here now. Try to think about that... - I heard an unsureness in her voice. Against it, she still kept going. - ...I'm here.... Focus on that. - Her tone, which has been made softer in her last words, tipped the scales. The feeling of someone actually hearing my melancholic state seemed heavenly. I knew it shouldn't take that opportunity. But like I said before, I was breaking constantly and wasn't thinking straight about what I should, wanted or chose.
I moved the phone away from my ear, but still held it in my hand. I place my face in my legs. I couldn't have That Twilight's mindset right now, so I needed to do something to not be loud about my current emotions. Still, I started doing as she told me, when my cries became more rapid.
It was really clearing my mind. All the harsh thought came as quickly as they disappeared after. I was giving away my stress after today's harassment. I was giving away my fear of any other confrontation I could've got in. I've cried a lot in the last month, but I've never done it at school. I would always hold it till the end of the day, if it was needed. Letting go would make my life a lot easier. Just like right now.
I didn't know how long I was crying for. I guessed it was five minutes. Silence playing from my phone contrasted my whimpers was surpisingly long. I started to calm down my nerve system to sit up a little and placed my phone to my ear again, even if nothing was going to be said for some.
-I'm smart, right? - She suddenly said, and I chuckled a little. I didn't expected her to say something like that after something like that, that's all.
-Just... convincing. - I answered truthly.
-Or both. - She also let out a breath that reminded of a laugher.
-I'm sorry... you had to listen...
-I've heard worse than someone crying over the phone. - Her voice immediately gave me the same feeling it gave me at the store. Not in a bad sense, though. This time, it was only calming. - ...And I hope I helped in any way.
-...You have no idea. - She really didn't. Every time I tried to tell myself that was wrong, when I felt like I was using her cause I knew someone else with the same looks, the thought was flying away while she spoke to me with this calm manner. Princess helped me, but she didn't do it like that. She didn't call me when she felt like something was happening. She left me with people who lied the first moment they knew she wasn't looking anymore. This girl was a stranger who, all of a sudden, gave me more than anyone.
-But... I never do stuff like this. - She expained. - So don't feel special. - I laughed. The way she, obviously, wanted to get the spotlight outof her empathy thwarts me, was fun to hear. I smiled.
-I don't know if I can do that. - I teased. It was successful thought, cause I immediately heard a snort.
-Try to rest before anything. Or even go home. - She advised.
-I don't want to get in trouble... by running away. - It also had to do with teachers, but also students who would notice my absence.
-You'll get yourself into more trouble by staying in a place where you can't chill out after something like that. Don't be stupid. - Her choice of words made this seem unserious for a moment. - Are you going to listen, or not?
-Do I even get a choice there...?
-Do you? - She questioned. - You also don't have anything to eat. That should be enough to decide.
-Ok so... If I'll face any obstacle cause of this, I can blame it on you...? - She mumbled under her nose as a simple yes. I somehow didn't protest anymore. I gently got up and was about to go to my leave.
Shorty after I was outside, and she surprisingly haven't left the call, until I was, safe and sound, at home.