TITLE: Kama: Liberation
AUTHOR: Shivran86
GENRE: Fantasy
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Five
PAYMENT FOR YOU
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This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Plot
The plot follows a large cast of characters, mostly the Rajan and Ishvara, who are to be married though he is a werewolf and she has lost all of her memory. I like the immediacy of the plot and how, as a reader, I learned along with the characters. I think it strikes a balance between the important plot beats and cultivating the relationships between characters. I did find it kind of hard at times to follow, especially with such a large number of characters, but I think some level of this sort of confusion is natural in the genre you're writing. It is true that you have a lot to balance, and I think some of the finer points got lost in that flow of information. Readers find out pretty much immediately about the werewolves, which I think is great, but because it doesn't come up again for a while, I'd kind of forgotten it, and because the Rajan is the only character so far that readers know is a werewolf, it feels a bit like that needs to be integrated more into the lore or overarching story, since while it does make his character feel more intriguing, it also leads to questions about what the paranormal aspect contributes to the rest of the plot/world. I think you mentioned this is a new addition to the story, and I can see that because the rest of it is so fantastical in tone, sometimes that element is left alone and isn't mentioned as much as it could be. It makes sense given that it's a new introduction from a previous version that it feels like it's been inserted there, and so I wonder if the plot will discuss it more later on.
I feel the same is true for the amnesia plot point. I think that's something that doesn't immediately get brought up, and I'd suggest that it should because of how crucial it is to understanding the character. It's a tough trope but I do think it's one that needs to be brought up as soon as Ishvara is introduced because of how it changes the way readers think of her: she is someone who doesn't know anything about herself or her past, and because of that, she has to learn it. You ideally want to bring forward that ultimate goal so it sets up why she agrees to the marriage and also why she may seem a bit naïve for agreeing to begin with.
I really enjoyed what I read of your story! There were times when the amount of characters had me slowing down, but I generally had a good time reading this, and I think your writing is strong.
Characters + World
Because of the large cast, sometimes I did have trouble in pinning down who was who. But largely, you do a good job in portraying the interactions between them. Sometimes the dialogue was a bit stilted. I think there are times when the more fantasy-style dialogue works in your favour, and times where it feels like information is missing from it that makes it hard to discern. I enjoyed the conversation at the beginning of the second chapter; there are times where characters say things like 'we have reached!' (in chapter three) where I feel like the style works against you and makes it more confusing than it needs to be to understand. It's clear that you do a wonderful job of writing relationships that are realistic and that you have a good handle on your characters. I do think sometimes it may be worthwhile to check the wording, especially in dialogue.
I like the casual world-building! Fantasy can be a tough genre. You do well with descriptions and using evocative language. Sometimes the telling instead of showing and generalized wording choices like vaguely mentioning 'people' could be clarified, but overall, I enjoyed the way the descriptions set the scene and the way you slowly introduced concepts. I think the world on a larger scale could be defined more, since I'm not really sure what the time period is or information on the larger world (like planet/country), but I also think that's understandable for this point in the story. I would like to know if there are any cultural differences between the characters given that Ishvara has to travel to marry, like the scene with the seat in the first chapter, where I feel like there's a cultural reason within the story for why events occur that could be hinted at. This is also the case when the dancers are mentioned to not be wearing anklets: why does Aryamna notice? Is there a reason they usually do? Elements like this are clear to you, I am certain, as the writer, though they may not be as overt to a reader understanding the world for the first time in its context. This may get explained later, however, but with details like this, it can be beneficial for the reader to know the context in order to feel like they understand. Your world is clearly well-defined; I think you need to let readers in and see that sometimes.
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
I really like your first line! It's very fantastical in tone, and I think it works well for the image you're trying to paint.
I wonder: is there a time period here? Rajan is saying things like 'anyways' along with formal speech, so that made me curious. I think the contractions are fine over saying things like cannot, since that makes the dialogue feel realistic. Anyways sort of jolted me out of the story temporarily though.
Sometimes in fantasy, there are a lot of characters! I think it makes sense for this style. However, this leads to your writing having to remind readers of who is who quite often by using epithets, or being roundabout in how they are referred to in order to avoid repetition with their names. Wording like 'the latter's eyes widened' for example, where I think if you used their names, it would be more clear. This is also true for wording like 'the infamous Rajan' where I wonder to whom? To Ishvara? To someone else? It feels like sometimes this information is given so we remember the context, but it doesn't necessarily feel needed. Especially considering a reader will pick up on the specifics about the characters as time goes on, including if they are royals/what their reputation is/etc.
'Nature sang' - lovely!
Chapter Two:
Indumala seems cool!
You do a good job with your dialogue in this scene with Indumala. It's easy to follow and everything flows easily.
I like the final image of the cloak at the end of the chapter!
Chapter Three:
In her mind, Ishvara imagined a fairytale — love it! This scene is really nice, and you do a great job of emotional writing here.
Oh, it's interesting that she lies about imagining the fairytale too.
There's definitely a lot of characters to balance here. I think so far I haven't gotten a good handle on who is who, but I like the character work you're doing and the way the narrative is giving time for a reader to see the relationships between them. It's a big task, but it's one I think you are handling at this point pretty well.
Chapter Four:
I like how we are learning with the characters as we go. Like when the scar is mentioned. It comes up naturally and as a reader, I'm left curious!
Oh, he remembers her? Curious.
It's interesting that the crowd laughs about him not giving her pleasure. I feel like the crowd is overall supportive, and I wonder if a certain faction of them are not.
Chapter Five:
Very nice description at the beginning of the chapter! I really like the way you use language, and words like soothed do a good job of being evocative here.
Oh, are his ears so sharp because of who he is? Or what he is? Or just because of years of training?
Other Thoughts for Your Consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Chapter One:
She would cry in the dead of night (...) now dead -> There's some minor repetition here with the word dead. I like the phrase dead of night, though I wonder if a word like emptiness would also fit so as to eliminate the word being repeated twice.
The black cloak of him -> here, the sentence feels a bit wordy. Would something like His black cloak function in the sentence?
The royals stood up -> Here, the word 'up,' is not ultimately necessary for the sentence. Words like up and down are often implied when you say kneel or stood. This can become The royals stood.
She sat on one -> Considering the narration mentions that she's sitting in the chair, I wonder if this structure would be more clear if the sentence either didn't have 'on one' (since I don't think it adds anything to clarify which seat), or if there was a difference between the two seats that was important and could add some context on why she picked one over the other. It may not be necessary to explain it, which is why it could be written as She sat. Since the reader knows two seats were brought, it seems implied she isn't sitting on both.
Minor — it sometimes happen -> should this be happens? It may be intentional for the dialogue to contain mistakes, but the rest of the dialogue seems to be written without it so I can't tell for sure.
It was for the first time that she smiled -> this sentence is also sort of overly wordy. My suggestion here would be something like: For the first time, she smiled. This way you'd also cut out the 'was' which makes the sentence passive when I don't think it needs to be.
"No," Ishvara answered shyly -> Here, I wonder if you can make this more evocative by explaining what that looks like: for example if she fidgets or plays with her clothes. The little nervous habits would be a good way to show her character at this point in the story. The adverb doesn't really clarify the way it could, and by replacing it with a character action, you may be able to evoke what it looks like for her specifically to be shy, without having to overtly tell us she is.
Chapter Two:
Take me lightly as well: I think this would be stronger without 'as well.'
It was dark in the room and probably: here, I think you could describe the darkness in the room with a stronger verb, as well as remove the hedging in 'probably.' The reason I say this is because it would be both more specific and evocative to describe the darkness cloaking the room vs. the passive verb.
Sometimes your use of adverbs is a bit distracting, as most of them aren't needed. They often double up in dialogue (said heavily, for example) and removing them would help the flow on a sentence level. In the case of wording like 'turned around completely' and 'finches internally' the adverbs distract from the sentences, and overall you don't need them. Your writing is solid, and you paint vivid pictures that are still strong without the unneeded extra words.
Chapter Three:
(...) felt a pang in her chest (...) it feels like a never ending journey -> Here, in order to remove repetition, consider maybe a structure like it's a never ending journey.
Through the red it had draped -> I understand what this is conveying, though it reads a bit wordy. Through the draped-red? Maybe another word would fill in what it means red-draped curtains?
Took a pause; here, I think you could simply write pause. If necessary, you may be able to describe how it lingered, but it may not be ultimately necessary either.
"I don't really know," she shrugged: Given that you have been writing dialogue correctly thus far, I assume this is a typo. Just in case though, action beats take periods and dialogue tags take commas, as the action beats start a new sentence while dialogue tags describe the manner in which the words are spoken (said/asked/replied, etc.). Because a character is shrugging, a new sentence starts here, meaning it needs a full stop -> "I don't really know." She shrugged.
Chapter Four:
Sometimes the flow of your sentences is a bit hindered by the structure. They will follow a similar pattern such as in this paragraph: She tried to hold back a gasp. When these visions had first come she used to convulse. (...) Blurred silhouettes stood around her in the vision but Ishvara could not distinguish them. This is a great paragraph! The flow though reads a bit odd because of the way they are worded which seems to connect two thoughts without any pause between the clauses. Because they're all one sentence, it leads to the flow stopping when it doesn't need to.
I think one way to break it up would be with commas -> When these visions had first come, she used to convulse.
Blurred silhouettes stood around her in the vision, but Ishvara could not distinguish them.
It's a small thing, but it separates the introductory phrase in the first example and the two sentences in the second one in order to give the reader a pause between these thoughts.
Then all of a sudden -> this is a personal preference, but I tell people about it nevertheless because I think it helps make a story more engaging. Words like suddenly give away your surprise too early. It's like a cue telling a reader something is happening. Anything can come after the word suddenly, but because we already know about it by the time we see the word, the shock is lessened. I prefer wording without it entirely, so in the case of your sentence, you could remove both 'then' and 'suddenly' in order to write simply: A hubbub ensued.
People shouted from outside -> Here, I wonder if a more specific phrase would be helpful to picture? Is it multiple people shouting who are the Rajan's supporters? You get specific in the next paragraph, so that is a good example of why it may be also necessary here, since it helps the reader picture it. Because the following paragraph may be enough, you can also consider combining it with this dialogue and attributing it to the middle aged woman, since it would flow into the description of her as well.
Chapter Five:
Sat opposite to this lady: The wording here is a bit awkward as well. Sat opposite to her, maybe?
The dancers added more life to a colourful night -> I do like this sentence, though I think it tells rather than showing. Perhaps describing the way they move through the space and take up the room would help. I think you should keep the 'colourful night' part and reword the beginning somehow, such as with a powerful verb the way you have done for the beginning. Something like, The dancers (presence filled the room? Overtook it?) and connect it to the colourful night.
Aryamna sat stupefied: here, I think this is also telling a bit too much. You don't ultimately need to tell a reader about the emotions a character is feeling while naming them directly, and I think given how immersive the descriptions are, it takes away from the moment a bit because it jolts the reader out of the experience. I think it's easier to do this in the third person, especially with so many characters, since as a writer I would also want to make it overt so my readers can connect with everyone in the vast cast. It isn't really doing you that favour though, since describing his expression may convey the same thing without being overt. Does he sit, staring into nothing in particular? That kind of thing would show us what he's feeling as well, without naming the emotion. I'm seeing this pop up in your work a few times, and usually, they can be rewritten in favour of a stronger description.
He nodded his head -> 'his head' here feels implied, so I think you could remove it. It's not likely he's nodding anything else, unless he's an alien (this will always be my caveat for this particular suggestion).
Concluding Thoughts
Thank you for being so patient while waiting for this review to be finished! I appreciate you for requesting me to review your story, and I enjoyed what I read! Most of what I noticed was fairly minor, like reducing your overall wordiness and making your meaning clear by reducing telling in favour of showing. You have a polished work on your hands! I can tell a lot of passion went into it, and I liked seeing the way you used powerful words in your descriptions and detailed the scenes. I think you could do with more of this on a world-building level for developing the broader context beyond just the setting, but also the overarching world/time period, though I understand that may come more into focus later. Aim to be as specific as you can, so you continue to evoke as you have done rather effectively already. Good luck, and thank you so much for requesting from me!
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: