I remember the first time was the worst, from what I saw it always was. There were ten of us, lined up against the wall five men and five women; not all of us were grown some were younger. like me. I'm not sure how they picked us whether they planned to take us specifically all along or if I was merely a victim of opportunity, it didn't stop me from wondering though.
I remember us being taken into a room, one after the other. Nobody ever exited so with every person who entered before me my panic grew. I got the impression we were cattle, being lead indiscriminately to slaughter. When it was my turn they dragged me by my arm into the small back room. Past a man who leaned casually against the far wall. sat me down in front of a table and a much scarier man was talking to me. I didn't understand what he was saying, he spoke too fast.
The table was splattered with blood.
there was also this strange smell that permeated the air. metal and wet earth.
The scary man continued to speak. Eventually placing a gun in front of me, a revolver.
He said something else. I focused intently but still couldn't understand. After a moment the man exploded in a flash of movement, grabbing the gun and jamming it into my mouth. It had been fired recently, I could taste the gunpowder on the barrel.
I didn't dare breathe, I was scared that if I did the gun would go off.
My hands which had until then lain uselessly at my sides were taken into his and placed around the trigger.
The man said something, one word. It was so clear, so simple I couldn't have possibly misread, but some stubborn part of me refused to believe it.
Something hit the back of my head, his hand. He said the word again and I couldn't deny what he had said.
"Shoot."
I don't know if it was because I was scared of what he would do to me if I didn't do it or if, for a crazy second I found death preferable to whatever would happen to me. Either way I pulled the trigger and shot myself.
I found out later the gun wasn't loaded, it never is the first time.