!Mentions of sokoku, very lightly implied sexual content!
enjoy!!
Dazai Osamu doesn't know what love means.
He doesn't know what it means to love.
Doesn't know what it means to be loved.
Doesn't understand the concept of love.
And when he was younger, in his teenage years, he thought that maybe he'll find out and learn.
Dazai Osamu tried to.
Countless one-night stands, empty confessions, sex with no actual feelings aside from helpless desperation and touch starvation.
Nothing ever worked.
It all brought him just... more pain. Pain and guilt, because yet another person fell right into his trap, tasted his poison. Poison that burns out all of their insides as they go on with their life, completely unaware. Poison that leaves people broken. Poison that leaves people crying and screaming and wailing and aching. Poison that kills them. Poison that laughs right at their faces as their body is slowly rotting away with burning, unbearable pain. Poison that gets stronger the more they suffer. Poison that has no cure.
Poison that flows deep in his veins ever since he was born. His poison.
And Dazai Osamu failed to understand.
He failed to feel.
Failed to care.
Failed to love.
Dazai Osamu failed to be human.
But Dazai Osamu isn't supposed to fail. He's supposed to succeed. His calculations flawless, his predictions ideal, his mask unscathed. He's supposed to be perfect. A manmade tool to be used however the user wishes; however the creator, the author of his existence wishes. A doll. A soulless puppet.
If Mori says manipulate, Dazai manipulates. If Mori says recruit, Dazai recruits. If Mori says kill, Dazai kills.
Then, the user of the doll changes.
If Oda says leave the mafia, Dazai leaves the mafia. If Oda says save orphans, Dazai saves orphans. If Oda says be a good person, Dazai...-
...huh...?
Why can't Dazai fulfill the wish?
Ah, that's right.
Dazai Osamu is not a person.
Dazai is not human.
He cannot be a good human.
He can, however, be a good tool.
He can be a good doll.
He can entertain.
He can help humans.
He can kill humans.
But Dazai cannot feel.
He cannot understand emotions.
He cannot understand devotion.
He cannot be loved.
He cannot love.
He cannot care.
Dazai cannot be human.
But...-
Then again...
there was one person...that made him feel like he can love.
Like he can feel.
Dazai Osamu will never be human, but maybe he can feel at least a tiny bit closer to humanity.
He cannot understand human emotions, but maybe, just maybe, he's willing to try.
But then Dazai Osamu could not be a doll. Dazai Osamu could not be a tool. Dazai Osamu would feel, and care, and love. And Dazai Osamu isn't supposed to feel, and care, and love.
Dazai Osamu is supposed to be a flawless doll. There's no place for ridiculous things like feelings in that scenario.
Yet, maybe in another universe Dazai Osamu could love. Could feel. Could care. Could be loved. Could be human.
Maybe in another universe he could fall asleep right next to his partner, limbs tangled together, soft whispers of affection shared late at night, and greet the new day with the other as well, his gorgeous sleeping face illuminated by the rising sun being the first thing Dazai would see in the morning.
Maybe in another universe he could be happy about the irrational trust the man has for him. Maybe in another universe he would not have try to destroy the said trust in order save him from the cruel destiny, the curse of knowing Dazai Osamu. Maybe in another universe he could feel the other's warm body on his cold one, late at night, in the dim light and comfort of their bedroom. Feel the warmth of the body seep onto his. Feel the humanity, the thing he aches for so deeply, pressed up right against the soulless doll that he is.
And then maybe, just maybe, in that universe, they would not have to say goodbye. Maybe in another universe their paths would be right next to each other. Maybe in another universe they could forever walk side by side like they were supposed to from the start. Maybe in another universe they could be partners. Forever.
word count:708
A/N:
I TOTALLY FOGROT TO POST THIS HERE LMAO-
I've been rlly busy lately so yeahh
Idk what else to say, so feel free to comment your opinions on this one!(comments are always welcome btw!! I appreciate constructive critism<3)
Hopefully I'll be able to write more cuz lately I've been getting the spark back :D
Bye bye for now!! Hope you enjoyed this short oneshot!
Have a wonderfull day/afternoon/night! I'm so proud of you, keep going!! <333