July 27
I couldn't sleep that night at all. I laid there awake with my head racing and several parts of me throbbing. I couldn't control my own thoughts and even worse, I didn't know what this feeling was. Well, I knew what that feeling was and it wasn't anything that couldn't be solved in the shower. But I laid there in my perfectly manicured bed, gazing at my smooth ceiling as the city light filtered in through the top of my blinds. I twiddled at my thumbs and even my heart beating couldn't distract my mind. Finally, I threw the covers aside and reached for a cigarette, replaying the nights events in my head. Part of me actually wondered if what I had done was too much and then I became angry at myself for questioning it. Why in gods name was I questionin' that!? It had didn't matter. It was just another guy and he was absolutely not fine-tuned the way Sebastian was and...well...let's just say that I wasn't passin' out any prizes for the size portion of the pageant. But, if he would just...slow down a little, be a little more forceful...maybe....oh dammit! What was I thinking!? Why!? WHY did it even fucking matter!? I didn't give a shit. Whatever. I did not give two shits about it. I was finishin' this cigarette and going the fuck to sleep! I huffed irritated and looked at the clock: 4:13. Damn it! I had been up for four hours! I had been thinking about this stupid ass shit for four damn hours! It didn't matter. It was just sex and it always would be. I didn't care...yet my stupid mind wouldn't stop reminding me of that beautiful smile and those words: "shit...you're tight as hell". Idiot. Did he honestly think that something that barely measured in at...no! NO, NO, NO, NO! I was done thinking about this. I was getting out of this bed and shaking the broke, idiot I fucked out of my mind.
I did not need him. I needed Sebastian, a man who had money, an impending career, a future, a Mazarati and....and absolutely none of the innocence, uninvited kindness, painful honesty or actual zeal for life that Roger had. Roger didn't care about anything except his friends, his cigarettes, that stupid drumset, American Western films that he couldn't afford to go see, alcohol, sex, and...and everything that he aspired for. He had all these...these crazy dreams that...that I honestly didn't think would ever work out for him. He was going to end up a biology student dropout without a job and seven illegitimate children to support. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that all these fantastical plans would likely be nothing more than fantastical plans. Unlike Sebastian, Roger was passionate...about everything. Sebastian didn't have that same kind of passion. Sure he was driven and focused but he didn't have the wild abandonment. He lacked desire to take risks. My god, so far what I knew of Roger all he did was take risks. I sighed and lit my cigarette knowing that this was the only thing that would calm me down, quiet my mind, and get me to sleep.
"It's about time you get here!" An impatient Freddie scolded Brian for keeping him waiting.
"I'm sorry. I was grading some papers and I just lost track of time. I looked up and it was nearly 1:20." Brian explained, sitting his briefcase beside the table as Freddie looked at him with that reprimanding look. "Guess what? I got in. I was accepted into the program for which I applied. I got the acceptance letter a little while back. Can you believe it? I'm movin' in September." Brian said excitedly. Freddie listened to him, not saying anything and now watching him across the table. "Freddie?" he asked, waiting for a reaction.
"Well!" he said raising his eyebrows. "I have some news, Brian." He began, smiling at him. He didn't exactly acknowledge Brian's announcement. "The bar has chosen to book us every weekend. They like the crowd we've been drawing. Look! I have the agreement from the manager! It's okay, I've already signed it on our behalf!" Freddie said, thrusting the informal contract into Brian's face. Now, it was Brian that was without words. He had already committed to move closer to the University in two months. He had already accepted the full-time adjunct position and turned in a thesis statement for board approval so that he could proceed to select a thesis committee. Granted, he would only be moving to central London. It wasn't as if the bar was a far trip. The problem, was that he had committed to quite an academic obligation.
"Rrr-really? Every weekend, huh?" Brian said, reading over the document from the bar act manager. "Did you tell John or Roger about this?" Freddie shook his head.
"I haven't had a chance, darling. I simply had to show you first! Oh! And look! I've finished out emblem!" Freddie said, excitedly reaching into his artists portfolio.
"Emblem?" Brian questioned attempting to look across the table.
"See? I was thinking we could put this on Roger's bass drum. Oh I think it's just fetching and so does Marrrrrrr.......Mark! You remember Mark! That chap who designs signs?" Freddie said, having almost been found out that he had been in the company of a newfound lady friend and potentially more than a lady friend. Brian was a little shocked at the piece of work Freddie had just handed over to him. True it was intricate, detailed and Freddie, true to form, had paid attention to every element. "This is you! Cancer! The crab! And this one! This is John and this is Roger. It's a lion and there are two of them. Oh and look! Here's me! The maiden, just like me!" Freddie batted his eyes at Brian, forcing a smile from Brian's lips.
Brian examined the draft of what Freddie had created, running his hand over the
felt marker line before pushing it back toward him. "You...you didn't say anything about my acceptance." He said.
"Oh well...well that's just great, Brian. I know that you wanted it." Freddie was quiet again. "I know you...you want to pursue higher studies. But we have regular bookings. It's time we all took this a little more seriously." Freddie said. Brian shook his head.
"And John? He's about to finish his degree." He said.
"He should! I've never once said not to go on, Brian! All I'm saying is...that I finished a logo and I like it. I hoped that you would too and I hope Roger will let me have a transfer made to put on his drum." Freddie finished with a sinking heart as he slipped the outlined drawing into his portfolio. Brian hated to see Freddie like this. He could tell that his statement had disappointed Freddie. It was just that he felt as if his life were being torn two different ways.
"Hey. I'll be at rehearsal Wednesday. Just as planned. I'll be at the gig this weekend. You know that I will." Brian said, trying to assure Freddie that just because he had been accepted into the physics program, the band still mattered to him.
"And what if we need to rehearse more together? What if we need to start working up new material aside from our covers?" Freddie asked. Brian shrugged.
"Then that's what we do. Fred, I'm not givin' up on the band. I already have my class schedule and my teaching schedule. I didn't schedule anything for Fridays and I've got Thursdays off entirely." Brian had successfully restored some hope in Freddie's eyes in knowing he was bailing on the band for physics.
"Well! Only going to school four days a week come September? My, aren't we slacking, Brian!" Freddie grinned at him.
"Hey, I need a research day. That's what it's for. At least I'm not Roger! Hell, he hadn't been to class in two days yet he goes in and gets an A on his bloody test! Wanker." Brian shook his head.
"And what's he been doing?" Freddie asked.
"What do you think?" Was Brian's response. Freddie laughed forcing Brian to smile again.
"I like your drawing. I think you put a lot of thought into it." He assured Fred.
"Thank you. I quite fancy it too. You know I was thinking....you know how much I like glitter and sparkly, gaudy things that..." Brian interrupted Freddie.
"No. However you're going to finish that sentence....the answer is no."
"All I was going to say is that I think John would look fetching in eyeliner!" Freddie said, throwing his arms to the sides.
"Oh...yeah. Yeah, I'm okay with that." Brian said, nodding his head. Freddie cleared his throat.
"And golden eye shadow for, Rog. Anyway..." Freddie said the first part of his statement as quickly and mumbled as he could. "...about your look. I was thinking that this Friday you really need to scrap the corduroy. It does nothing for you, Brian! It makes you look like one of those lanky legged birds about to fall into another lanky legged bird because you're fighting over a fish! And that long-sleeved shirt!? Brian, it's a not a bible study please! Live a little. Now, do you own anything with sequins? Hmmm?" There was a long pause. "Well the corduroy is fine for school! I'm sure those physics girls will be into that kind of...mystery? Back to the sequins..." Brian sighed at Freddie.
"You're met my parents, you've seen my house, and you've played with my mum's cat." He said dryly.
"You're right. You're parents aren't sequin people are they? Well, you'll find something! I can't wait to show you my new sparkly belt that Maaaarrrrrrrk, my friend gave me! I'm going to wear it Friday!" Freddie said happily.
"Who's Mark? Do I know him?" Brian asked.
"Yes! Yes! Of course you do, love! You remember Mark!" Freddie said, turning pink as he thought back to the fashion show he put on for Mary recently with the gaudy, sparkly belt she had found in one of the latest clothes deliveries. She had pulled it out of the rummage before pricing the rest of the box for her market space.
"By the way, if you're at Rog's flat this week. Will you get that white shirt of his with the puffy sleeves? I want to sell that." Freddie said.
"What the...Fred! You gotta' stop sellin' his shit! He's gonna' figure it out eventually!" Brian shamed him.
"Yeah, well he'll thank me later when I sell it for a used microphone cord! Oh, and while you're there if he has any jewelry that would fancy me more than him..."
"No. Just....just...no. Let's just split an order of chips or somethin' and talk about a set list for Friday." Brian said. Freddie gave him an enormous.
"Say. You've haven't told me about your thesis." Brian's eyes lit up, just like all the glitter in outer space.
That night, after at least three hours of sleep, my mind was still trying to chase me down and catch me. Thank god Chrissie had volunteered to let me sketch her. Just our conversation and the afternoon of tea and leftovers from the fridge took my mind off the events of the night before. I had been sketching her now for a good ten minutes. One of my favorite things to work on about Chrissie was all of her hair. She had so much thick, beautiful dark brunette hair. Sure Chrissie was a plain and simple girl who never took many pains with her hair or her clothes but she had an innocent, almost awkward sense of prettiness to her. I liked Chrissie. I liked tormenting her as much as I liked being her friend.
"Hold still. Just stay like that." I said, balancing a cigarette between my lips and sketching away. The phone rang and I needed to reach a stopping place to pick it up. "Don't move." I cautioned Chrissie. I sat my cigarette aside and picked up the telephone. "Hello?" I answered.
"Why haven't you called me!?" The frantic voice on the other end snapped at me.
"What?" I responded, a little shocked and nearly droppin' my cigarette.
"I have been...pacin' this floor...fucking...chain smokin'...waitin' by this fucking phone for you to call! Why haven't you called!?" Oh he was a hot one alright.
"Because, Roger! I happen to have company at the moment!" I told him affirmatively.
"I cannot....fucking stop thinkin' about you! I can't get you outta' my fuckin' head...either of them! You are the...the best fuck I've ever had. Ever. I woke up so fuckin horny I...I...GOD!" Roger was very frustrated as he practically yelled at me through the phone. He continued pacing all over his flat as much as his phone cord would allow. "So why the hell have you not called!? Was I not good or somethin'?!"
I rolled my eyes at Chrissie "Hold on..." I murmured to her.
"No, no Roger...you...you were good. I mean...you could use some...adjustments but you're good, you're alright. S'alright." I said non-chalantly.
"I...I could...I could use some adjustments!? What in gods name are you talking about!? Hey, Lydia...you listen here. I've had a lotta' girlfriends and none a' them have ever been disappointed!" He yelled into the phone. I shook my head and took a drag on my cigarette.
"Jesus Christ, Roger! I'm not your girlfriend! I've known you a month if that!" Was my rebuttal. Oh and by the way, I'm sure his girlfriends have thought one thing or another; I was simply the first girl to say anything.
"You slept with me!" He said.
"Well, yeah but shit, it doesn't mean I'm in love with you! My god! How much of a narcissist are you!?" I could hear him huff on the other end and the phone clamber around; then the dial tone. I shrugged and hung up, returning to my cigarette and to Chrissie.
"Who was that?" She asked. I shook my head and picked up my pencil again.
"Just...no one...this guy I've been seein' for about a month." I said beginning my sketch again.
"Is it that guy you met at the bar? The one in the band or something?" She asked.
"Yeah." I answered trying to concentrate on her features. The phone rang again. I put my cigarette down and picked up the receiver.
"Nice of you to hang up on me." I said coolly.
"Noooo! No! I didn't hang up on you! I got tangled up in the phone cord and I dropped the bloody thing!" Roger half-yelled into the phone. "Look! Your pussy is crack to me and I need another fucking hit!"
"I beg your pardon, Roger! You most certainly can't talk to me like that!" I told him. He sighed again, sounding as if he were about to burst.
"I had...such a good time with you the other night in more ways than one. I need to know when I can see you again! Take you out for drinks, to dinner, listen to records in my flat, anything. I need to fuck you, Lydia. I need to fuck you so bad. You have no idea what you not calling today has done to me!"
I let him finish his rant. "Roger do you know anything about cars?" I said, disregarding his previous ramblings. He laughed a bit and seemed to be further irritated with me.
"The fuck has that got to do with anything? Yes. Yes, I know cars. I know 'em well." He answered, puffing on his cigarette on his end.
"You're a lot like a porche. Easy on the eyes, smooth ride, dependable...predictable. But when you get under the hood... you have to tweak it to your liking, adjust it exactly how you want it to drive. Only then does it become a real performance car." I exhaled my cigarette as there was silence on the other end. I ashed it out and changed hands with the phone receiver. "I'll be over at seven to teach you how to drive." I said before hanging up the phone.
On the other end, Roger stood there in disbelief, his cigarette almost burning his fingertips. He listened to the dial tone on the other end before slowly hanging up the phone. His eyes darted around his flat. He looked up to the clock: 6:30 PM.
"It's already 6:30, you know." Chrissie said.
"I know...hold still." I reminded her, continuing her sketch. Chrissie and I were silent for a bit. She acted like she wanted to say something and I knew she did because she and I came from different planets when it came to this stuff. I continued to glance up at her as I sketched.
"So...you...you waited nearly a month to sleep with this guy?" Chrissie asked.
"Mmm hmm..." I answered, erasing a line.
"And...when did you sleep with him?" she asked.
"Yesterday. And apparently I will again tonight." I said. Chrissie stared at me as I continued to sketch her.
"Lydia...you...you slept with Sebastian yesterday." She stated.
"Yes." I said, shaking my head. She and I were silent again for a moment. I could tell it made her a bit uncomfortable.
"Well....do you like 'im? This guy? I mean...you...you have a history with Sebastian and you know that. What about this guy?" she asked.
"I've only been out with him like...six...seven times. We've only been on maybe four real dates. I don't like 'im. I'm...I'm a little intrigued. He's...different than Sebastian in so many ways."
"But, you're going to sleep with him again tonight?" she persisted.
"Well, yeah. I mean...he's good in bed and he could be really good with a little work." I said. "He's...he's very sexy. Gorgeous in fact. His body is...it's...well...he's definitely not Italian. He has these...strong shoulders and strong arms...and his back...my god." I said, speaking a bit dreamily.
"I thought you said he was scrawny?" Chrissie challenged me.
"He is. But, the thing is. I don't think he can afford to eat more than once or maybe twice a day if he's lucky. I actually hate seeing the guy struggle so much." I said, scribbling the date in the corner of the sketch of Chrissie.
"Do you...do you like anything else about him?" she asked.
"Yes. I like the fact that he always has a Trojan Ultra Thin on him." I smiled at her. "It seems that he's always ready to use it." Chrissie watched as I sat my sketchpad aside.
"You need to slow down, Lydia. You've got to slow down. Just think. If you waited a month to sleep with him, maybe you could actually like him!" an optimistic Chrissie said with a smile.
"I don't like him. He's a good lay and that's all. I will not slow down for a man." I reminded her sternly, glancing at the clock. "Alright, thanks for letting me sketch you. It's nearly seven so you best be going. I need to freshen up." I said as Chrissie gathered up her handbag.
"Why do you have to freshen up if you don't like him?" Chrissie asked.
"I always freshen up before I'm with a man." I said, taking a puff on my cigarette that I had been holding.
"Do you think he likes you?" Chrissie asked, not letting it go. She was starting to wear me thin.
"He likes what is between my legs. That's all that matters." I told her, folding away my sketch supplies. Chrissie headed to the door of my beautiful flat. She reached for the knob before turning around.
"Wh...what does he look like?" she asked. I took another long drag of my cigarette and eyed Chrissie. I could feel a sudden wave of heat rip through my body. It was the kind of wave I felt when I had first met Sebastian. I honestly couldn't describe him to her. She would have to see him for herself. So, I reached for the only words that I knew would fit.
"Like sex." I said, letting a plume of smoke escape my lips.