Dear Alex,
I made it through the first week of my new high school. I wish we could go out for ice cream to celebrate like we used to. I admit I went without you, I hope that's okay. It almost felt like you were there with me, like everything was right for a while. But then I just couldn't stop thinking about you. And that day. I could feel myself going to that place I went to after you were gone. But then I saw Lena.
"Kara? What are you doing here all by yourself?"
She was with someone, a boy, they seemed close
"Oh just felt like coming"
For the strange moment I felt like I might tell her about you, and maybe I would have if we were alone
"Well come sit with us, we don't mind"
"Yeah okay"
We sat down and the guy she was with introduced himself as Winn. His eyes looked like they might pop out of his head when I shook his hand. I haven't gotten much better at being gentle. I thought his name was strange but I didn't say anything because maybe it wasn't strange to humans. I've been trying to get better at keeping certain things to myself, "inside thoughts", like Eliza calls them. I realized that when I don't, people think I'm odd. And I really liked Lena so I tried to be as normal as I could manage. We were getting along well and I decided I liked hanging around them. They didn't tell inside jokes and make it hard for me to keep up with them. Instead they asked me questions.
"So Kara, how old are you?"
"Sixteen"
"What do you want to do when you're older?"
"I'm not quite sure yet"
"What kind of movies do you like?"
"I don't care for many, they're kind of all the same to me"
"Do you have a favorite book?"
"This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald"
"How come?"
"Because it's the last one I read"
This made them laugh and I felt nice because they were laughing with me instead of at me. I could tell they knew I was being genuine and not snobby. I looked at how Lena leaned her head on Winns shoulder as she laughed and I figured they were "going out", a term I only know of because you explained it to me. I've learned that boys and girls are not often just friends on Earth but I'm not quite sure why.
We hung out at the ice cream shop for a while and by sundown I found that I didn't even mind that a pretty girl like Lena had a boyfriend because Winn seemed like a good guy and he made her happy.
"How long have you two been together?"
This made them get this funny look on their face and then they burst out laughing, which confused me until Lena explained.
"We're brother and sister"
"Really? But you don't look alike"
They told me that Winns mom had married Lena's dad when they were younger and they had been best friends ever since. If I'm being honest I felt a bit relieved but I didn't say that out loud.
Since it was the weekend, they told me they were heading to a party at their friends place and they invited me along so I accepted. I had never been to a high school party before so I felt nervous but Lena assured me that I would be alright.
We got into Lenas pickup truck with Winn behind the wheel. Lena set to picking a station, flipping through until she found this song about a girl. And we all stayed quiet. And we listened.
I would tell you what song it was but I think that to truly understand how we listened, you would have to be driving to your first high school party. Between two people you barely knew but could spend the rest of your life with. And feel like you might belong for the first time.
I turned to Lena and said the first words I thought.
"I feel infinite"
And she looked at me soft. And Winn looked at me like that was the best thing he'd ever heard.
When we got there a guy named Mike brought us in. He hugged Winn, then Lena, and then he even hugged me! He smelled like a skunk which I was later told was actually weed. Winn led us over to the living room where two girls sat. They were both wearing leather jackets which I thought made them look intimidating but I kept that to myself.
After a while, one of the girls got me alone and introduced herself as Psi. I found out this was actually her house and she had me follow her into the kitchen where she got out a tray she had hidden on the top shelf. I found it strange but didn't ask any questions because I did not want to seem rude.
"Want a brownie? I made them special for you"
She added a wink to the end of her sentence but I wasn't sure why.
"What do you mean?"
"Listen I have a gift, I can read people's minds, human minds. But I can't read yours"
This made me nervous because I knew what she was implying and I hoped she wouldn't say anything to anybody.
"Don't worry, it'll be our little secret, okay?"
I still felt uneasy but nodded anyway.
"Okay"
"No one knows about my gift either. I just wanted to let you know how special these brownies are, special enough for you to try them"
Now I know I can be naive but I figured she was talking about drugs. I had no idea how she had anything that would affect me, Clark had said that stuff wouldn't do anything because of our powers. But now Psi was offering me something that could. So I took a chance.
"Okay"
The room was dim but so bright. Every thought that troubled me floated away. I feel guilty to say I even forgot about you, Alex. And that I was happy in that way you only see in the movies.
"Kara?"
I shifted my sight up lazily and saw the most beautiful green eyes staring back at me.
"Psi I leave you alone with her for 5 minutes and you get her high?"
"What? She likes it. Kara you like it right?"
I stay quiet, still fixated on those eyes. I feel floaty and have the sudden worry that I might start flying right here in front of everyone. And I had to concentrate very hard on keeping both feet on the ground. Lena turned to me with a funny look. Like she was both amused and worried.
"Kara? How do you feel?"
"Floaty"
"Are you ok?"
"Uh-huh"
"Do you want something to drink?"
"I really want a milkshake"
Everyone in the room burst into laughter because they thought that was very funny but really I think they were just very high and so was I. All I could think about was that milkshake we shared last year, right after I had gotten suspended from my last school because I had broken a locker trying to stand up to a bully. You were the one who told me it was okay, that it wasn't my fault. And you made it feel light again.
"C'mon let's get you a milkshake"
And Lena led me to the kitchen. I stared as she got out milk and some mint chocolate chip ice cream.
"So is this your first time being high?"
"Yes"
"And how do you like it so far?"
I thought it through for a bit. Everything was so far away. Except for her, I could see her clear as day.
"I can't stop looking at your eyes"
She looked up, a bit surprised and looked at me intently.
"And why's that?"
"They look green, but if you pay real close attention one looks a bit more blue than the other. They're beautiful in a way that deserves to make a big deal of itself"
She looked down and for a second I thought she even looked a bit flustered. I went on because apparently being high made me especially chatty.
"My sister used to say only the most special things deserved to make a big deal of themselves"
"You have a sister? Where is she tonight?"
I wished you were there with me Alex. I think you'd like Lena. Why can't you be here?
"Oh, she killed herself last may"
I'm not sure why I said it, but I felt safe with her. She looked up at me, eyes wide. For a second her eyes turned into yours, and I remembered that day. I decided I might not like being high that much after all.
"I found her"
She got this worried look on her face.
"Kara-"
I got the feeling I had ruined the conversation so I changed the subject instead.
"Where's the bathroom?"
I found myself shoving open doors upstairs in hopes of finding a bathroom. But most were just empty rooms. I shoved open another and found that this room wasn't empty at all. There were two figures on the bed who flew apart as soon as they noticed me.
"Shit!"
Now that my vision had stopped blurring, I could tell it was Winn and Clark. They had been kissing. I figured I was intruding so I started backing out of the room.
"I didn't see anything"
They followed after me a bit panicked. Winn spoke up first.
"Kara its alright we know you saw something"
Clark looked at me and I could see the fear in his eyes. It reminded me of you.
"Listen, we don't want anyone to know Kara, okay? You know how my father is, he'd never understand"
I did know. Clark and I haven't been close since I arrived on Earth, and I used to get really upset that he didn't have time for me. But I knew Clarks adoptive father was open about his hatred for anyone queer and I don't doubt that he would turn out like Jeremiah. And I can't lose anymore family, I just can't. I decided in that moment I'd do anything to protect Clark from this, like I should have protected you.
"I won't say anything Clark, you know I'd never do that"
"Wait, you two know each other?"
We turned to Winn who looked puzzled and I didn't blame him. I was basically nothing and Clark was everything, the star.
"She's my cousin"
This look dawned over Winn and I had a feeling Clark had told him about what had happened last year. I started to feel very uncomfortable. But I think Winn could tell so he didn't say anything. Instead he changed the subject and I was grateful.
"Wait, are you baked?"
I grinned
"Like a cake, that's what Psi said at least"
Clark looked confused but I knew he wouldn't question me in front of Winn.
"We'll talk later Kara?"
"Sure thing"
"And remember, this has to be our little secret okay?"
"Okay"
And I wandered back downstairs.
I was sipping on my second milkshake when I overheard Lena and Winn talking about me. I didn't mean to listen in but I'd never gotten a good grasp on controlling my super hearing.
Across the room, Lena whispered worriedly to Winn.
"Kara just told me her sister killed herself last year"
Winn frowned with a serious look
"Clark just told me she's his cousin, y'know the one he said was having a hard time after her sister passed?"
Lena nodded and looked up at Winn
"I don't think she has any friends"
They looked at each other and they looked at me. Coming from anyone else, I would have thought they were talking about me in a pitiful way. I hated when people did that. But I could tell they really were just concerned about me. And despite not wanting anyone to know about what happened, it felt nice that they knew.
"Listen up, everyone!"
I looked up from where I sat and saw Winn calling for everyone's attention.
"Raise your glasses to Kara"
And to my surprise they did.
"You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand"
Lena smiled at me.
"You're a wallflower"
I looked at the people around me. Most of them didn't even know me but they all looked at me. And they saw me. And I started to cry. No one looked at me weird for doing it. Then I really started to cry.
"What is it, what's wrong?"
I took a second to just be in the moment. Like it would never end.
"I didn't think anyone noticed me"