It was only about a month ago that Dad and I packed our bags and moved half way across Koronia, and now it's already Rosan. At first, I wasn't expecting much from my dad's hometown, but I've been blown away with how much has happened since we arrived in Chancelor. I wasn't expecting to be forced into attending a deskmate school, and I certainly wasn't thinking I'd ever become friends with a perthean. I always worried about what would happen if a perthean found out about my fear, but never in a million years would I have ever predicted that one would actually want to help me overcome it!
Derrick and I have met up after school a few times now, and although these meetups have been helping me a little, I'm still not sure what my deskmate has in mind for us in the long run. Surely there's more to this than practicing eye contact and learning how to step onto a perthean's palm without falling over.
I think through what could possibly be next as Brittney and I make the trek from the cafeteria back to the pickup area.
"I really wish we could all just have our lunch together, you know?" Brittney says with a huff, interrupting my thoughts.
"What?! What makes you say that?" I ask, my heart skipping a beat at her suggestion as I desperately try to keep my mind from forming any pictures of sharing a lunch table with pertheans.
"It's just... we'd have so much more time to hang out as a group if we had our lunch together! Since this school is so focused on getting humans and pertheans to get along, you'd think they'd want us to have meals together, right?"
I hadn't thought about it before, but I guess what Brittney's saying makes sense. I was surprised when I first found out I wouldn't be sharing Physical Education or lunch periods with my deskmate, but in my relief, I decided not to question it. I suppose separating for P.E. makes sense since it's not a good idea to mix humans and pertheans for strenuous activities like exercise, but what about lunch period?
"Come to think of it," I start, a part of me curious to know and another part of me fearing the answer, "why do we separate for lunch period, anyway?"
Brittney's eyes narrow as she looks away, her lips pouting.
"It's all that Steven's fault!" she says.
I blink. "Steven? Who's Steven?"
"Soaring Steven, back in the twenties. Lunch period was shared here until he had his deskmate throw him across the cafeteria to see if one of their friends could catch him. Landed in a girl's soup and even broke some bones in the process," Brittney says.
I shudder at the realization that humans are light enough to pertheans to be thrown across a room by them. Not only that, but we're small enough to swim in their soup, too! I'm relieved that I don't have to suffer through a shared lunch period with my deskmate, but I can't stop myself from shaking at the idea.
I turn from side to side only to realize that I'm surrounded by mountains of colossal foods stacked much taller than I am with no way of escape. I spin around to face a wall of green fabric that I trace up, up, and up to my deskmate's enormous face. He ravenously gorges himself on nearly half of the sandwich in his hand—tearing off a hunk bigger than me—and thoughtfully chews his meal, his eyes locked with mine. My legs tremble beneath me as I stumble backwards, my eyes darting anywhere but the sight in front of me. This isn't happening.
As I continue to inch away from the perthean in front of me one of my feet makes contact with a thick metal prong, causing me to let out a yelp as I fall flat on my back. Lightheaded and out of breath, I sit up and discover the object was one of the tines on a huge fork.
A massive digit rests under my chin and leads my gaze back to the tall perthean boy in front of me. He gulps down the rest of his sandwich while his big blue eyes scrutinize my fallen form.
"Kaylin," he chuckles. "You're so... tiny, you know that?"
I stare into those massive blue orbs of his as blood rushes to my cheeks, making my ears hot. Anxiety floods my nervous system leaving me incapable of doing anything but quiver where I sit.
Tiny...?
"Anyway," Brittney says, interrupting my thoughts again, "after that incident... the school decided it would be best for deskmates to have 'less time for shenanigans' or something like that. If you ask me, they shouldn't have punished the whole school for a couple of students' idiocy!"
I stare down at my quaking hands. Tears prick the edges of my glazed eyes, and one or two trail down my face. I try to steady my breathing, but my lungs begin to take in more and more air at an increasing rate.
"Hey," Brittney says, turning to me. "Kaylin, are you—"
WHAM!
Something crashes into Brittney and I, interrupting our conversation and sending us both to the floor along with the contents of our open bookbags.
"Hey! What's the big idea?!" Brittney says, dusting herself off as she sits up.
"I-I'm sorry, I couldn't—" utters a boy on the floor in front of us. He coughs, lowering the tone of his voice. "I mean, it was an accident."
Brittney sighs. "That's okay. Here, let me help you with your books."
"Th-that won't be necessary." The boy says, brushing his black hair away from his green eyes before scrambling to pick up his books.
I rub my head, which throbs from the impact with the boy. I blink a few times, staring at him. He's familiar to me, but I'm not sure why.
"Hey, wait a minute," I start, remembering my encounter with that boy from my apartment last week. "Aren't you—"
The boy looks to me, eyes wide, and shakes his head vigorously. He grabs the rest of his books from the floor and stands, running off to the balcony without another word.
"Ugh! Rude! And hasn't he ever heard of a bookbag?" Brittney grumbles. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I say, picking up Brittney's Algebra textbook and passing it to her.
"The nerve of that guy! 'That won't be necessary...' just who does he think he is bumping into people and then running off like that?"
As Brittney passes me my Koronian and Biology textbooks, I can't help but wonder why Sam was in such a hurry to get away from us. He's run away from me twice now, which I find a little odd. And why wasn't he wearing his glasses? He probably could have avoided bumping into us if he had worn them.
"Hey, what's this?" Brittney says, picking up my sketchbook and flipping through the pages.
My heart sinks heavily in my chest. I've never let anyone look through my sketchbook before! Most of the drawings in there are unfinished sketches, many of which I never ended up being happy with, and none of which I feel too excited about sharing. But as Brittney flips through the pages, her eyes widen in awe with every new piece of artwork she lays eyes on.
"You made these? They're incredible!" Brittney exclaims.
"They're not that great, really." I say, reaching for the sketchbook.
Just as I'm about to take the book away from Brittney, she lets out a big gasp and turns the interior toward me. On the pages are two nearly completed sketches of Captain Tristen and Merlot from Stranded, respectively. They're old drawings, and not ones I'm particularly proud of. My insides convulse and cringe as I'm met with the sight of improper foreshortening and all sorts of rushed, sloppy details.
"You draw Stranded?! You know this is my favorite show ever, right?!"
Brittney babbles on elatedly and at a rate I find myself straining to keep up with. I can hardly make out what she's saying, but from what I can tell she's gushing about some recent revelations about Merlot and how she was able to predict them in her fanfic.
"Anyway, here! See? This is my cover!" Brittney says, pulling out her phone and swiping to Splosion. She shoves her phone into my hands to reveal the cover for 'Jack And Merlot: A Frame Of Mind,' which consists of a crude doodle of the titular duo holding hands.
"Oh, um... cute!" I respond, my mind still struggling to process what she's going on about.
"Do you think you could draw me a new cover?" Brittney blurts out, her hands clenched excitedly.
"I-I don't know... wouldn't it be put online for anyone to see?" I ask, the idea of strangers seeing my art making my insides flip.
"Well, yeah, but they don't have to know who drew it unless you want them to!" Brittney responds, folding her hands together and pleading with her big brown eyes. "Come on! Pleaaase? Your art is so good!"
I think for a moment as I look into Brittney's unrelenting puppy eyes. I guess it wouldn't hurt to draw her a picture for her story, especially if no one has to know I'm the artist.
"Sure," I finally answer.
"Yippee!" Brittney exclaims, jumping up and down like a little kid.
"Come on," I say, handing Brittney's phone back to her and taking back my sketchbook. "We're going to be late for sixth period!"
"Oh! Right!"
Brittney turns and hurries down the hall to the balcony. Before following after her, I quickly flip through my sketchbook and land on a page with a finished sketch of a perthean boy and a human girl laughing together under a cherry tree. My cheeks redden when I lay eyes on it and my insides flip around again. I let out a sigh, relieved that Brittney didn't get this far into the book.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"So!" Brittney exclaims from the balcony, her hands secured on the railing as she beams up at my deskmate. "Your birthday! What do you have planned?!"
Derrick rubs the back of his head, grinning sheepishly. "I didn't exactly plan anything."
"Come on," Brittney says, "there has to be something you'd like to do on your special day! Can't you think of anything?"
Derrick places a hand under his chin and closes his eyes, thinking for a moment. "Well, I won't be home until around five, since I have... an appointment."
Kevin looks up from his phone. "You made an appointment on your birthday? What for?"
"I— well, yeah. It's a... doctor's appointment. I forgot to reschedule," my deskmate says, glancing in my direction. "But if you guys want to come over to my house at 5:30 or so, we could hang out? Maybe play some games?"
"I'm in!" Brittney hollers, pumping her fist in the air.
"Sure," Kevin answers, his eyes once again glued to his phone. "Need us to bring anything?"
"You could bring some games if you have any, but other than that nothing comes to mind," Derrick says.
Brittney turns to me, her eyes wide with excitement. "You're coming too, right Kaylin?!"
The world begins to spin as the others' eyes all turn to me. Me? Go to a perthean's house? No way! The enormous classrooms at school are hard enough for me to deal with as it is, but an entire house? I don't think I could handle it! The sheer scale of everyday items would overwhelm me for sure!
"I... don't know," I say. "I think my dad needs me home for... something." I mentally kick myself for not being able to think of any kind of real excuse.
"I'm sure your dad won't mind!" Brittney reasons. "After all, birthdays only come once a year!"
I look around at the group. Brittney's grinning with her hands pressed together, gazing at me expectantly. Derrick gives me a knowing smile, his brows upturned. And then my eyes fall on Kevin. His narrowed brown eyes look void of any life as he stares me down from above. My gut twists and turns as the weight of his stare presses down on me.
I can't go to this party. No way. Not if he's coming. How did Derrick manage to become friends with this guy, anyway? Was it just because of Brittney? And why is Brittney even with this guy? They're complete opposites! My fear may include all pertheans, but it's pertheans like Kevin that really terrify me!
"Kaylin?" Brittney says, pulling me from my thoughts. "What do you say?"
"I-I'll talk to my dad," I stutter. "But I really think he needs me for... that thing."
"Great! See you all there!" Brittney spins around with her arms stretched wide and heads for the door. I don't think she registered what it was I said at all.
"Hang on there, princess," Kevin says, causing Brittney to come to a halt and turn back around.
Princess? I never expected a guy like Kevin to call his girlfriend something so sappy!
"Yes, my prince?" Brittney answers, clasping her hands together as she flutters her eyelashes.
"If you're going to Derrick's place, you might as well come with me. You can't get there by train, you know," Kevin says.
"I guess you're right," Brittney giggles.
Kevin looks over his shoulder, presumably to see if any teachers are nearby, and then offers his open palm to Brittney who runs and leaps into it with a loud 'wheee!' The way she flew into his hand without a second thought makes me think about how I can barely even walk onto Derrick's open palm without struggling and stumbling. How does she make it look so easy?
"Shh!" Kevin hushes his girlfriend. "I'm not supposed to pick you up this way in here!"
"Sorry," Brittney says, her lip protruding in a pout.
"See you later," Kevin says to Derrick before walking off, mumbling something to Brittney about how he doesn't want to get in trouble 'again.' I guess I'll have to ask Brittney what that means later.
Derrick looks at me and laughs.
"What?" I ask.
"I'd like to see you jump into my hand like that," he says.
My face reddens, and I immediately avert my gaze. "D-don't be ridiculous! What those two did was dangerous!"
"I know, I know," Derrick says. "It's just that..."
His unfinished phrase hangs in the air for a moment, causing me to wonder what it is he means to say. I look back at my deskmate, his gaze fixed on me. What emotion is filling his eyes I can't say, but what I do know is that something has to be weighing on his mind.
"It's just that what?" I finally ask.
"Nothing," Derrick says, shaking his head. "I'll see you out back."
With that, he turns away, leaving the balcony behind him as he heads down the hall. My heart sinks in my chest. What isn't he saying?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I heave a sigh as I close the door behind me. I feel bad we didn't cancel our meetup for today, considering it's Derrick's birthday and all.
"Hey," he says with a smile, approaching the balcony and placing his hand on top of it. It's sort of become routine for me to walk onto his hand at the start of our meet ups, not that I've gotten any better at it.
"Hey," I answer as I approach his open palm.
The size of his hand still manages to freak me out, but at least I'm not as averse to it as I was when he first started helping me with my fear. After a bit of wobbling and struggling, I manage to position myself in the center of my deskmate's palm and sit down.
"Sorry for making you come out here on your birthday," I say with my head down as I nervously twiddle my thumbs. "I know there's other things you'd rather be doing right now."
"Aw, come on, you know that's not true!" Derrick beams at me from above. "There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now than helping out a friend."
I smile back at him, though his words don't reassure me completely.
"Now," he starts as he moves beside the balcony and gently sits down, "since you've been improving so much this week with both eye contact and with walking onto my hand, I thought we'd try something new. If you're up for it, that is."
"Something new?" I ask, my gut immediately beginning to twist. "Like what?"
"Would you be up for trying shoulder etiquette?"
"Shoulder etiquette?"
"Yeah! I'd place you on my shoulder, and you'd stand there," Derrick explains. "It's a formal form of etiquette that even the teachers use, so we can practice it during school as well."
My mind flashes back to orientation day, when I saw most of the school staff going around in pairs like that. I remember Derrick had asked me that day if I wanted to try standing on his shoulder, and I coldly turned him down. A weight fills my chest as I think about all the ways I was unkind to Derrick before we became friends.
"Okay," I say, "we can try it."
Derrick nods and lifts the hand I'm in up to his shoulder. My core tightens and my heart thrashes about within me as the distance between us gets smaller and smaller. As I find myself nearing the crook of his neck, I begin to feel heat radiating from his body like a space heater. He's so warm! My insides do a somersault, and my cheeks redden as I release a shuddering breath. I don't think I've ever been this close to anyone before, let alone a perthean!
I slowly rise from my place in Derrick's palm, carefully maneuvering past his fingers and onto his shoulder. I nearly slip once or twice as I struggle to maintain my balance, but manage to secure myself by grabbing onto the collar of the white button up he's wearing under his blazer.
"How are you doing?" He asks, removing his hand and leaving me stranded on his shoulder.
My eyes can't help but wander downward until I'm gazing helplessly at the hard concrete below us. Even though my deskmate is sitting down, I'm still so high above the ground! A fall from this height would certainly kill me! I let out a yelp and slam my eyes shut, gripping the collar of Derrick's shirt more tightly lest I slip and fall to my death!
"Hm, not good?" Derrick asks. "I suppose it takes some getting used to. Just hold onto me, you'll be fine."
"Mhm," I hum as I try to keep myself from trembling. If my legs continue to quake like this, I'll slip for sure! I have no idea how the teachers or the other students at school manage to go around like this!
"So, while you're getting adjusted..." Derrick begins, "is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
"Um..." I think for a moment. "You're turning eighteen, right?"
"Right. Just two more years and I'll be an adult."
"How has preadulthood treated you so far? Do you feel prepared for adulthood?" I ask.
Derrick hums, thinking through my question. "Well, I guess it beats being a teenager. I still can't drive, but I'd say I can cook, clean, and budget decently enough to live on my own if I wanted to. I'll probably wait until university to move out, though. What about you?"
"I've learned a lot from my dad. He's a good teacher. He taught me nearly everything I know about being a preadult. Cooking, cleaning, budgeting... although he's not very good at home repair..."
"Did your mom teach you anything?"
My heart plummets to the ground, and my guts twist and turn tightly within me.
"I... well, my mom died when I was only six. It's just my dad and me."
"Oh... I'm sorry," Derrick apologizes.
"No, it's okay. I'm over it. It was a long time ago," I sigh.
I bite the inside of my cheek, unsure of whether I'm being honest or not. It's been years since my mom passed, but I've always longed for her to be a part of my life. I wonder all the time what might have been if only she hadn't...
"You know, I guess my mom did teach me something," I say, letting my mind go to the past. "I remember when I was a little girl, I'd watch her make different pieces of artwork. I was so fascinated with how she was able to draw such fine details and pick such beautiful colors to paint with. I have a memory of her sitting down with me and teaching me how to draw different flowers. Pansies, bluebells, rotizelles... and although I'm still not very good with flowers, she did instill in me a love for art."
"I remember you said you liked to draw when we first met, and I've seen a few of the doodles in your notes," Derrick chuckles. "I have yet to see a finished piece from you, though. Especially since you're always hiding your drawings."
My face gets really hot really quickly as my mind turns back to the sketchbook I brought with me to school. "A-actually," I stutter, "there's... something I wanted to show you."
"Something you want to show me? Really?" Derrick asks, surprised. "Am I finally going to see one of your drawings?"
"I-I— well," I stammer, embarrassed, not really knowing what to say. Is what I'm about to do really a good idea?
I reach into my bookbag and feel around for my sketchbook. Pulling it out, I turn to the page with my finished sketch of the two of us laughing under a cherry tree and look it over for a moment.
'It's hideous!' I can already hear my deskmate say. 'Is that supposed to be us? What an ugly art style!'
"Kaylin?" Derrick asks after a long silence.
"I— um...! H-here, I... made this for you," I sputter. "For your birthday!"
I grip the collar of Derrick's shirt with one hand, and with the other I stretch out as far as I'm able and present my sketchbook to him.
"For... me?" Derrick asks, taking the sketchbook in between his thumb and forefinger.
Silence fills the air as my deskmate stares down the human-sized book in between his fingers. My heart pounds and pounds while my insides swarm with butterflies! What will he think? What will he say?! I almost wish I never brought this up! I'm sure he'll think it's a pathetic gift! I knew my art wasn't good enough to be shown to anyone, so why did I ever think it would be a good idea to make this dumb drawing for his birthday?
Derrick gasps. "Wow, I don't know what to say."
I try my hardest to slow down my breathing, but it's no use. My whole body shakes as I brace for the impact of whatever criticism is about to come my way. He hates it, doesn't he?
"Kaylin, you drew this? This is amazing!" my deskmate exclaims.
"I'm sorry! I knew it wouldn't be good enough!" I say, only to blink a few times in confusion. Do my ears deceive me? "Wait, what did you say?"
"This is amazing! Is this what I think it is?" Derrick asks.
"I-it's... you and me," I answer, "under that cherry tree we saw the other day."
Derrick continues looking the drawing over. "Wow," he says again.
"I-I can send you a photo of it, if you want," I suggest.
"That would be great!" he says, handing the sketchbook back to me. "After all, I'm sure you wanted to keep your book."
I put my sketchbook away and quickly open up my phone to send a picture I took of the drawing to Derrick. Once I send it, his phone buzzes almost instantly, and he unlocks it to view what I sent.
"Thank you, Kaylin," he says, gazing at the drawing once more. "Really. It's a wonderful gift."
A warmth fills my heart, soothing any remaining anxieties I had about the drawing and leaving me with a grin that stretches from ear to ear.
Time continues on in the blink of an eye, and before we know it, we've already reached our usual time of departure.
"Well," Derrick says, carefully standing up from his spot beside the balcony, "I guess we better get going."
My heart races and my eyes widen as he stands to his full height. I look beneath me at the ground below and watch as it gets farther and farther away. If the distance to the ground when he was sitting wasn't enough to kill me, this distance will surely do the job! My vision doubles as the scenery around me spins and my insides churn and convulse! I grab onto the collar of Derrick's shirt with a death grip, lest I topple down toward the unforgiving concrete below!
"Sorry," Derrick says. "I tried to be more careful, since you're on my shoulder."
"N-no, you're fine, it's just that... I feel like I..." I trail off, unsure of how to describe what's going on inside of me.
"You feel like you're going to fall?"
"Y-yeah," I murmur, trembling where I stand on my deskmate's shoulder.
"Don't worry," Derrick says, pressing a hand against my little frame and gently pinning me against the side of his neck. "I'll keep you safe."
Is this... a hug?!
I blush. Hard. My trembling increases as I'm wedged between Derrick's hand and his neck. What do I do?! I can't move! I can't escape! I begin to breathe in and out at a rapid pace, shuddering more and more with each exhalation.
After a few seconds, Derrick removes his hand, releasing me from what had to be the most frightening embrace I've ever been on the receiving end of!
"Hey, listen," he says. "About earlier... you really don't have to come over if you don't feel like you're ready. I understand that the idea of visiting a house twenty times bigger than what you're used to is likely overwhelming to you, especially if other pertheans are involved. But, in case you do want to come, I thought I'd ask anyway—would you like to come over?"
"Um, yeah! Sure," I say, Derrick's words going in one ear and out the other as I try to calm myself down.
"Wait, really?" He asks. "You'll come over?"
"Sure," I say. "I just... need a moment." I try to steady my breathing again using the techniques I learned in therapy as a kid, still not registering what it was Derrick just asked me.
"Alright, well, we should get going then," my deskmate says, walking away from our spot behind the school and heading toward the sidewalk beyond the school grounds.
I'll have every opportunity to think through what just happened when I get home.