It took me some time before I decided to join their table. I couldn't help but feel awkward because of the situation, especially when they gave each other subtle glances as if they were communicating with their eyes.
"Kumakain ka ba ng ganito?" basag ni Vernel sa katahimikan bago inilahad sa tapat ko ang paper plate na naglalaman ng inihaw na pagkain.
Tumango naman ako. I tried to familiarize myself with the food because it's been a long time since I ate these kinds. Ang pork barbecue lang ang halos natatandaan ko.
Ganito ang mga paboritong kainin nila Wine kaya minsan kapag kasama nila akong gumala ay ganito ang kinakain namin. Iyon nga lang mukhang nakalimutan ko na talaga ang pangalan ng iba pa naming kinakain.
Nakatitig sa akin ang apat habang tinitimbang ang reaksyon ko sa pagkain nila.
My brows furrowed in awkwardness. I'm not judging their food naman! It's like they're accusing me with their eyes lalo na itong katabi kong si Vernel.
Sinipat ako saglit ni Zabdiel dahil biglang tumahimik ang mga kasama nyang abala sa pagmamasid sa akin. He eyed me coldly before he started eating his food.
"Ikaw si Lovize Villones, right?" tanong ni Lheoby.
Kumurap ako bago mabagal na tumango.
Oh, kilala nila ako?
Binigyan ako nito ng pala kaibigang ngiti.
"Ayos lang ba sa'yo ang pagkain namin? Pwede ka naming bilhan ng bago kung hindi ka kumakain nyan..." aniya.
Tumikhim si Vernel sa tabi ko at nagsimulang galawin ang pagkain na nasa harap nya.
"Ayos lang ito. Kumakain naman ako," nahihiya kong sinabi.
Throughout my life, I've hated boys and their sense of superiority. I never really wanted to associate my life with them because they can be a pain in the ass. I've been to countless gatherings where families wanted to ask for my hand in marriage, even when I was little, but I never entertained the idea. And because I am the oldest between White and me, our parents want me to handle the company once I graduate.
Gold and silver---I've been surrounded by them since birth. I'm the heiress of one of the country's most famous conglomerates. They say that someone with a similar status to our family would be a good match for me. It's ridiculous.
I can always blend in with people... with any group... but right now.... being with Vernel and his friends seems out of my league. I'm scared to touch their world because I might break it. Do I really have to drag someone into my plans of getting even with Elias? Kailangan ko ba talagang maghiganti para maibalik sakanya ang sakit na idinulot nya sa akin? Or in the end, will I just inflict more pain on myself and become the worst person ever to exist, just like Zaneerah said?
Is my pain valid?
"Kumain ka na," saad ni Vernel nang mapansin nyang natulala ako sa lamesa.
I exhaled deeply and nodded.
Magana silang kumakain na lima. Kumuha ako ng isang barbecue at tinikman iyon. It tastes surprisingly good. Para ring luto sa isang mamahaling restaurant. Mairekomenda nga ang lugar na ito kela Yarra. They'll probably enjoy both the place and the food. Hindi naman kasi kami nakakabisita sa bayan dahil sa Hearth kami palaging kumakain.
"Kamusta, Lovize? Masarap ba?" tanong ni Lheoby nang makita akong kumakain.
I offered a thin smile and nodded at him.
I appreciate his talkativeness. May pinaguusapan sila ni Giann pero nasisingit nya pa akong kausapin. Sa kanilang lima sila lang talaga ni Giann ang maririnig mong naguusap. Tahimik lang kasi ang tatlo na parang may sari-sariling mundo.
"You're a second-year student, right?" Giann asked.
Nabaling na ang atensyon nilang lahat sa akin.
"Yes..." I answered.
Giann nodded.
"Pwede kayong lumipat sa kabilang table kung may paguusapan kayo ni Jin..." suhestyon nya.
Napatango ako at inilibot ang mata sa bandang kaliwa namin kung saan ang tinutukoy nya.
"Tara," saad ni Vernel bago tumayo.
Nahulog ang tingin ko sa kanyang pagkain na hindi pa nangangalahati.
Mabilis kong hinawakan ang braso nya para pigilan. "Ubusin mo muna ang pagkain mo."
Vernel turned his head towards me, meeting my gaze. He looked taken aback.
Don't tell me he thinks that I'm a brat? Heck, I am pero slight lang naman! My parents indulge my every whim, kahit din ang kapatid ko, but I know my boundaries and limitations too.
Sumeryoso ang ekspresyon nya.
"I'll eat later. Let's talk now so you can go home," he said coldly.
Mariin kong kinagat ang labi at bumuntong hininga.
Tahimik lang kaming pinagmamasdan ng mga kasama namin sa lamesa.
He wants me to go home already. How strict. Ayaw nya ba sa'kin? Is my presence too much? I don't get him.
Bago pa magbago ang isip nya na kausapin ako ay tumayo na rin ako at sinundan sya sa kabilang lamesa.
"What do you really need from me?" mabilis nyang tanong pagkaupo ko.
Sa totoo lang nakakainis ang pagmamadali nya. But it's understandable because he has work after this. He values his time wisely because his life revolves around studying and working. He's unfortunate, so I should be more understanding and kind to him. Isa pa ako ang hihingi ng mabigat na pabor sakanya. But I wonder if he'll agree to it, considering how busy he is. Paano nya pa ako masisingit sa oras nya?
"I need your help, Adriales," umpisa ko.
Tumalim ang tingin nya sa akin, tila hindi maintindihan kung bakit sakanya ako humihingi ng tulong.
"Go fucking straight to the point," marahas nyang saad.
Napalunok ako.
"Be my b-boyfriend," my voice trembled with anxiousness.
Namilog ang kanyang madilim na mata sa sinabi ko. He looked ridiculed with what I'd said.
"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not my type," he spat out wryly.
Pumikit ako sa frustration.
"Y-you just need to p-pretend to be my boyfriend! I can pay you! Kahit magkano pa... just please I badly need your help..." sumamo ko sakanya.
Umigting ang panga nya habang nakatitig sa akin.
"I don't need your fucking money. Did you come to me just to throw insults?" galit nyang anas.
Lalong dumilim ang mga mata nya at kita ko roon ang namumuong iritasyon.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi naman iyon ang rason, eh! Gosh, boba, Lovize! Bakit ba ako nag-offer agad na babayaran ko sya? Now he thinks that I'm insulting him! That's not what I meant though!
"Last time I checked, you were in a good relationship with Elias Velasco. What now? Are you trying to cheat on him and planning to use me for that? Disgusting..." his words felt like a stab in my heart.
Mariin kong kinagat ang labi pinipigilang lumabas ang mga luhang gustong kumawala.
Kumuyom ang kamao ko. Nanginginig iyon. Gusto kong ipagtanggol ang sarili at magpaliwanag pero para saan pa?
Ganoon ba talaga ako kasama sa tingin ng iba? That even Vernel thinks I'm a cheat. Kahit ang totoo ako naman talaga ang naloko at naagrabyado. Even if I explain my side, no one would want to hear it. They'll focus on their own perception of me. Sobrang unfair.
Nagkatinginan kami. Bahagyang namungay ang mata nya nang makitang nanggigilid ang mga luha ko.
"He f-fooled me. Pinagmukha nya akong t-tanga. While he was with me... he was falling for someone else..." nabasag ang tinig ko.
His lips parted in shock. Regret immediately filled his eyes.
I smiled at him.
You're always right, Zaneerah. This plan won't work. It will never work. Sa huli ako lang talaga ang magdudusa dahil sa pagibig na hindi napagbigyan.
"I'm sorry for wasting your time. Let's just forget what we talked about today. I'll go ahead. Please send my regards to your friends," I said, my voice still trembling a bit.
Tumayo na ako sa kinauupuan at naglakad paalis doon. Nahagip pa ng aking tingin ang mga kaibigan nyang kuryosong nakasunod ang mga mata sa akin. Namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata at alam kong nakita nila kung paano ito lumandas sa aking pisngi na agad ko namang pinalis.
At katulad ng mga nagdaan na mga araw I spent the night crying over things I have no control over. But it was really painful to hear someone say that I am more disgusting than the one who hurt me and made a fool out of me. My anger grew, but inside I feel so empty. My heart seems like it wanted to give up in that moment. I just want to rest from the pain of a broken love.
Tahimik akong nakikinig sa discussion ng aming prof nang mapansin ko ang isang pamilyar na presensya na dumaan sa aming classroom. Bahagya kasing nakabukas ang pintuan sa main door kaya hindi nakatakas sa akin ang pamilyar nyang pigura.
Malayo ang building ng college nila sa amin kaya paanong napadaan ang isang ito dito? Saru is studying for a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science. Well, he's smart and he's a bit of a nerd, though he doesn't look like a typical geek to me because he's really snobbishly handsome.
Sinong sadya nya rito? Ako ba?
Are you stalking me again, Velasco?
Kaunti na lang talaga ay maniniwala na ako kay Zaneerah na gusto mo nga ako.
I smirked.
Our professor said, "Read Chapter 3 in your syllabus, and we're going to have a long quiz next week. Class dismissed."
Kasasabi pa lang nya noon ay nauna nang tumayo si Yarra. Hindi ko napigilang mapairap. Hindi ko na sya nasolo simula nang magkamabutihan sila ng kapatid ko. Gosh, my brother is taking my best friend away. I can't believe him.
Nilingon ako ni Yarra at tinawanan nang mapansin nyang nakasimangot ako sakanya.
"I'm sorry, Vizz. Naghihintay na si White sa akin sa cafeteria magsasabay daw kami bago ang susunod nyang klase. Will you be fine alone?" aniya at talagang nagtanong pa.
I scoffed at her. As if I have a choice!
"Just go, bestie. Kung gusto mo ay magpakasal na rin kayo ng kapatid ko para parehas na tayo ng apelyido," saad ko.
Yarra chuckled at me.
"You should get yourself a boyfriend, Vizz. But this time dapat yung matino na at walang sabit. I'll head first, bestie!" asar nya pabalik.
Inirapan ko lang ulit sya at pinanood na nagmamadaling lumabas ng aming silid.
Wala sa sarili akong napangiti. Masaya ako para sakanya at sa kapatid. I wonder when I will experience that kind of love. A love that's so pure and gentle. I also want to be loved like that. I want to be loved for who I am... with no pretentions and facades.
Naiwan akong mag-isa sa silid na 'yon at lalo kong naramdaman ang kalungkutan.
Once again I'm alone. The quietness surrounding me is starting to become uncomfortable. I can no longer find peace in solitude.
"How pitiful..." I said weakly.
Iniyuko ko ang aking ulo sa desk at hinayaan ang sariling lumuha. It's so hard keeping everything inside. Tuwing mag-isa ako ay lagi na lang akong sumasabog sa mga emosyon na pilit na kumakawala. Hindi ko na kayang kontrolin pa iyon kaya lagi akong natatalo ng sariling emosyon.
What happened yesterday really bruised my heart. Halos wala ako sa sarili dahil doon. Patuloy kong inaalis sa aking isipan ang sinabi ni Vernel pero patuloy naman itong bumabalik.
Nagulat pa ako sa sarili nang marinig ang sariling hikbi. Nanatili akong nakayuko habang nakapikit. Sa sakit na nararamdaman hindi ko na mapangalan pa iyon.
Sa kalagitnaan ng iyak ko ay lumangitngit ang pintuan. Napako ako sa kinauupuan at pinakiramdaman kung sino ang pumasok. Who could it be?
Kinabahan ako nang maramdaman kong naglakad ang taong pumasok sa kinaroroonan ko. Mabigat ang presensya nito at halos napuno ng mura ang aking isip ng mapagtantong isang presensya lang ang kayang guluhin ang sistema ko.
"It's already lunch. Why are you still locking yourself up in here?" nang marinig ko ang masungit na tinig ni Saru, mabilis akong napaayos ng upo.
Gulat akong nakatingin sakanya na ngayon ay madilim ang paninitig sa akin habang may hawak na paper bag. Basa pa rin ang pisngi ko dahil sa pagluha at kaagad nagtangis ang bagang nya nang mapansin iyon.
Fuck. Why is he becoming more attractive? What kind of fucking food is he eating to maintain such a gorgeous face? I swear, he's more beautiful than me, even if he were a girl! Nakakahiyang tabihan ang taong 'to.
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko habang nakatulala sakanya. I can't take my eyes off him. His eyes are like a magnet that keeps pulling me in.
Halos mabingi ako sa kabog ng aking dibdib.
"What brings you here?" I asked, still dumbfounded because he's literally standing beside my table.
His Adam's apple moved as he surveyed my face. His eyes perfectly traced every corner of my face and stopped at my lips.
"Bakit narito ka na naman?" mahinang tanong ko.
Naguguluhan hindi lang sa sarili kundi pati sakanya.
He's stirring up something inside me. I'm afraid that if I awaken what's sleeping within me, it will be my ultimate downfall. I don't want these fleeting feelings that he's giving me because I know for sure they will only bring me misery in the end.
Salvatore Rufus is a danger himself.