If you have everything, what experience would you choose from eternity?
This question rang through every cell and genetic DNA fiber which made up my being. It was undeniable how much I suppressed over my years, thoughts small to insane aspirations in expression, all due to perceived negative effects. As though every expression didn't come with folks who disliked them. Didn't believe them, or consequences of their own. I had preached to live a life at least you love living, yet I hadn't seen the blindspot I had, given my own desires.
I laughed gently to myself spinning in my desk chair.
And to think I had gone with the excuse that I didn't know what I wanted to do. Reality was, it wasn't plausible in the mindset I had about whatever I did. The instant I entertained something beyond what was normal or capable, I realized my options were truly limitless.
Everything I wanted, what I had been chasing after I see was in fact at least partially, if not majority heavy on settling. Wanting to keep what I had because it was good enough, not wanting to see what more could come from taking a leap. What about the unknowns in the best of ways? In any decision, it does not have to feel like settling, like loss. What option brought true inner fulfillment?
My head tilted up to look at my white ceiling, a smirk playing on my face as a nasally laugh exhaled.
"You..." I whispered... "I see what you want now,"
It was true, the path became clear from the prior clouds, though their downpour cleared the dark sludge away and renewed the land with more life, a new side to hope, more than just settling. The hope that goes beyond your wildest imagination and personal dreams. It wasn't hope anymore, it was knowing, it was intention.
This was straight lined Source divinity. A vessel to experience consciousness, a choice now directed and intended no longer from the subconscious ruler, but from that of the bright consciousness which sees what was hidden.
I realized something that brought me more light than I could have imagined, the weight from my chest which was an everyday occurrence understood and lightened. One I had forgotten, not knowing it was there as I adapted to this new supposed normal I chose for myself. To say that it was okay, when it so very obviously was not. The very fibers of my being screamed their refusals and disapproval, and now I realize the active choices to override the pain without ever understanding why it was there in the first place.
For a child, it makes sense when one cannot cope with immense emotional pain, they block it out having no way to cope, self regulating an incapable process and so they desperately look to their caregivers for emotional support and soothing. Yet what happens when at such an age a parent or both are absent from being able to provide for said child in need? Emotional absence especially?
The blurry memories of childhood, that prior to Sol and even farther to when I was beginning my first few years of life. A newly purchased home we began to move into at my toddler years, and a busy, busy time for my parents. My father had his business successfully thriving, not only up and running but doing extraordinarily well, he was busy during those key essential times of my memory as a young one. The memories of Mom and I are more frequent in my younger years, yet even she struggled to take on the weight of a child alone, a new home, and having to take care of her own everyday issues.
It suddenly occurred why things felt like the good times were temporary. A fleeting pass in the wind which would disappear to never be seen again. On the miniscule occasions where the two were not busy and drowned in stress and work, the three of us would come together and enjoy company with one another. The memories of summer walks around the parks, into creeks and night strolls under the snowy stars. These fragments stored like frozen ice, time locked away as though if it were to melt, I really would have not even a semblance of unity left.
Those times of precious memories would cascade over my psyche yet lingered with a putrid aftertaste. It was no wonder after realizing the water was poisoned with desperation and loss.
It was true they tried their best, even so. It was true as well that my needs were unmet. From such a young age I desperately looked to others for the emotional support and connection I craved. Not just to have once, but to keep as something that was mine, mine and not something temporary to take away.
I could see clearly the effect this deep childhood wound had on my development, the desperation and lack of boundaries I gave in the clinging distress towards the men in my life from ages right after puberty. All a hopeless attempt to find someone who would choose me willingly, and not let go...To be conscious of, willingly in any expression.
In that attempt of finding such a person, I had done so with very lack minded perceptions and settling ideas for where I could get this source from. As though, if this person was the only one who could give it to me. As thought I had no other person, choice, or place to get it from, subject to torture of being deprived if I don't successfully get this person to love me.
Need linked with a singularity.
As though- it was a complete mirror of the entrapment childhood could be seen as. The state of being completely helpless and dependent upon those who keep you, if your needs are unmet by them, no where else would you be able to get them fulfilled. It was true, at that state, there was a deep sense of helplessness because in that moment- you were.
I was helpless.
But that case is no longer true, instead, the help which I had lacked comes from my ability of choice. I do have many possibilities and am open to the infinite which stands before me.
The child within me no longer needs to believe it is as alone as it once was, instead it has someone who will fight for it regardless of the scenario, the people or place. It doesn't matter, I will keep myself safe and happy, fulfilled- because I deserve that. And no one can give me that if I don't choose it for myself.
I sighed out in a heavy relief, my arms rested over the cool desk as I sat my face over them. Fluttering of my eyelashes disrupted my vision as I gazed at the wooden top, the lines of detail and engravings of the wood following in my line of sight.
Not only in the attempt to be taken in and apart of, did I desperately search others to do so for me, but have recognized it in the pursuit of my own studies. The intense search for understanding humans, their ways of thinking, philosophies, and reasons to be down to the essence of place, belonging and universal purpose. I see it was nothing more than merely a cry to understand myself. To understand why I wasn't understood, taken apart, why I didn't get what I needed, how I can get what I need, and in the end it brought me to a level of understanding I never expected to reach.
In the journey of looking for what I needed, I forgot what it was I was searching for in the first place. Through overextending myself, being weak in boundaries and overly catering to others, I overtly tried to allow others the place to feel exactly what I craved. I created my own paradise to give to another expecting them to give back the paradise I wanted. I gave that unconditionality, acceptance and inclusivity. The interest, attention, curiosity and understanding I wanted for myself I gave to others.
I had realized in the prior years that I could never get those things if I didn't give it to myself first yet even in that knowing, existed that blindspot. The reason why I kept falling into the pattern of attaching desperately to the only source of safety I had previously experienced. Consciously I had only thought it was my boyfriends which I was repeating this habitual behaviors with, and after seeing its continuing with my parents now and flipping between them and Malikai, I see clearly this had started long before, diving deep seeded into my very core essence growing up.
This was the abandonment fear which had existed so strongly within the psyche of my brain. The feeling of a person already gone before they had passed. The sensation of every good moment being something fleeting, an out of reach occurrence which I couldn't even be thankful for in the moment as I was too worried, sad it was never to happen again.
The lack minded view controlled my every thought, it wasn't just relationships I had chosen from this settling mindset. Rather, every action, what I thought I could have, where I could go, feel comfortable expressing, doing and exploring, they had all become dependent on one thing. And it wasn't myself.
Would I lose [viewed support person] by doing x?
My eyes squeezed shut as I held back a saddened laugh.
You poor thing...
You held yourself back from so much, holding onto what you thought was your key to safety. As though any singular person could guarantee you that which you desired, and only that which you see before you, no one else.
What a lack minded, separation that was.
As someone who says they trust in the Source they not only are but inevitably are connected to- it's rather contradictory to say that something, anything was out of reach in the infinite concoction that inevitably enterwines everything we could ever imagine Source to be out of. There truly was no separation besides the limitations to our consciousness we chose. Our own choice which then limited our actions and everything set to come.
In the moment it was decided one couldn't have more, that possibility was closed off until further investigation.
A spotlight, then taken to the depths of forgotten caves, ones previously lit to the sun's rays but overtime buried to keep one safe. Or so it seemed.
Even though one may have suppressed itself, taking the light away and turning their back, it does not mean exactly what you wished for was not right there. Right before you, never leaving, even better yet, rather a part of you, within you. The you who believed in yourself, the you who stood up for yourself, the you who tries your best regardless, the you who cries and the you who falls down. They were all there, even if some or many turned their backs on another...
In the search for my desires I found myself, and in myself I found my desires.
Even my interest in philosophical debates was to be understood. By others, self, both in essence, I just wanted understanding. Through the journey that I thoroughly enjoyed, a pivotal pathway appeared before me once again. A place I am familiarizing myself with as my days go on, a previously distressing space yet now one of comfort, as I see I am not bound to any choice. As long as I choose myself, my happiness, harmony, I cannot go wrong, it would all lead towards the highest good.
My intentions admittedly have changed. My interests of these depthful, though invoking lifestyles not changing, but instead adding depth to the already void like ocean which I called my interest. Rather than just seeing it as an opportunity to understand myself, that opportunity being well fulfilled and trusted to continue on, but also one to explore and expand upon to others.
Just by being myself.
A tingle swam through my body, the electricity through my nerves heightening as my heart thumped loudly.
I am able to bring understanding to those who are in desperate need of help.
Those who were in my place of not having the comprehension to get the answers they sought out for. To be in the place now of being able to answer that which they question. To be the person who can give them what they need. It's honorable to be given wisdom but to take the chance and choose to give it back? That, that is something which brings indescribable feelings. All I felt was airy, fluttering and floating as my every atom rose.
I would act in straight accordance to that, no longer beating around the bush or back door methods.
What can I do that would be in accordance with what makes me ecstatic? Fulfilled in the moment of expression...
Expression. Expression itself was something I prided myself in, the tool of voice and brain coming together to give off intended words and knowledge. To spread awareness which was vital in my eyes.
That was it. What I could do now was express what I do know. Sure there is more to learn and many with greater perception than my own in this moment, but what was stopping me from helping the many who didn't know what I did? To say the interpretations I had were not valuable enough, important enough to share.
I value my own knowledge much more than that. Than before.
I will stand confidently, tall and firm as I express my own mastery. I will share it with the world, unafraid and joyful to share what had been hidden away.
Regardless of their reactions.
It's something I owe myself, not to mention the right others deserve to experience an authentic me. An authentic choice of expression.
If I can't choose others freewill for them, I will make sure to use the best of mine to its fullest capacity.
Over the hours which arrived and passed by with the hands of time, as did my energy with thoughts and planning enveloped my mind. The steps in which I needed to take to plan a comprehensive, clear production began to be researched, my courses of communications in highschool paying off as the basics flew by and ingrained into my skull.
The previously emptied desk piled high over the day and up coming week with papers galore. Notes on presentation styles, communication styles, how to's and what not to do filled my mind and hands as it translated to both paper and thoughts, thoughts floating around and entertained of the feeling of standing before an audience, sharing helpful information and perspectives that could change their life for the better.
This...
It felt like bliss. Even through the thoughts which doubted it could happen, I recognized why they didn't think I was worthy and deserving, but it didn't mean they were true. I would work hard for the place which I intended to be, I have worked hard to get where I am, and I know I can only gain more if I allow more to be transmuted.
I could see it now, the vision which brightened the dimming hope in my heart. It's dimmed reflection could not last in what it was not authentically interested in, to chase after a falsehood was to snuff out the flame. Rather, I fed it with fuel and oxygen to overwhelmingly let it thrive in its truest essence and form.
To just be, without need or expectation from elsewhere.
A genuine desire coming from the heart, not the mind. The place where it has already been connected, not perceiving to be separate. Its expression was enough to be overjoyed with, ecstatic even, its purity needing no external conditions to validate it or bring it a sense of worth. It simply was worthy by existing, and more than that- worth expressing.
I will be myself...
My lips tilted upwards, teeth poking to show their approval.
Because there is nothing more that I would rather do,
Than love You unconditionally.