INTERTWINED PAIN
People often give varied suggestions on how to deal with and get over pain faster. Some of these people will tell a story of their pain as if it equals the one that one is going through. Telling what they would do if they were in their position, as though knowing pain gives someone the right to invalidate someone's pain. Grief is a natural reaction that someone feels when there is a sudden death of their loved one or a person they feel connected to. It may differ if that person gives someone a sense of security or insecurity, either way, they are connected to them which makes a person experience the uncontrollable feeling of grief after their death.
A person who is experiencing grief for the first time may be overwhelmed by the complexity of emotions, which may lead them to make irrational decisions. Additionally, grief may have the ability to numb one's body and devastate one's emotions but it is another form of love. This may not be the first time for Ivan to experience grief but it feels like the first time because he never thought that he would be the one to bury his children, when it should be the other way around. No parent should experience the grief of burying their own child.
Ivan looked around the small house— the playhouse he built for his children. He was over the moon when Blaise announced that they were expecting, because he envisioned a life with her. To live a life filled with laughter and love as they raise their Sol Felipe and his siblings. The twins may have been an unexpected surprise, nonetheless, they have fully accepted and celebrated the good news. Three years in the relationship, they already know that they are ready to be parents and take on a much bigger role.
The playhouse could have been Santi and Saul's safe haven with their cousins and mothers. And now, looking at it as he sat at the floor while hugging the pillows his children used before breaks his heart. Tears were streaming down his eyes when the door opened and Blaise entered.
Blaise did not expect to see him, not the least in that state. Ivan moved further to the corner, making space for her. Words were utterly not needed in that situation, not because the silence was comforting but it is their presence that mattered most. Ivan handed one of the two pillows he was hugging to Blaise and that started the water works for her. It has been more than a decade already and yet the wounds are still as fresh as they were since the first day.
He pulled her closer, enveloping her in his arms, "It'll be okay, mahal."
"It still hurts, mahal. They could have been fourteen-year olds. The future was so bright for them, yet they were robbed of that life. We were robbed of that life of being their parents," Blaise whispered in his chest as she cried to him.
Ivan is the only one who can understand her pain. No amount of group counseling can ever compare to the comfort they give one another. Others may sympathize with them but at the end of the day, they would never know the amount of pain they are going through. Even them, they cannot compare the pain of losing the twins to anything that they have experienced in their lives.
"Saul would have been my riding partner; siya sana ang papalit sa 'yo sa pagsakay kay Mixy, baka siya pa ang sumunod sa yapak ni Patria sa national team. Then Santi would have been a total mama's boy. I am sure of that. Susundan ka niya kahit saan ka pupunta, baby pa nga lang siya noon but he would follow wherever your voice is. Regardless, kung ano man sila sa paglaki sila ay sigurado akong ipagmamalaki nila na ikaw ang ina nila. Baka nga hanggang langit they are bragging how beautiful, intelligent, loving, and great their mother is," Ivan said, his tears streaming down his face as Blaise wrapped her arms around his waist. She buried her face to his chest, nevermind that it's already damp from her tears because if this hug is the only way he can lessen her pain then he would gladly give it to her. Anything to ease the pain, to lift her up again from the weight that they have been carrying for years.
Closing his eyes, feeling how tight her arms are around his waist he just knows that it has been years since she last cried and trying to conceal her pain. "It's okay, mahal. With me, you can cry all you want."
"Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part
Baby of mine"
Ivan started singing the lullaby they used to sing to the twins. Among all the songs they would sing to the twins before and after the pregnancy it is evident that they share the same favorite with their mother. They even painted the nursery with elephants, but just like the playhouse the twins were not able to enjoy it as they have not lived long enough to know the luxuries their parents can give them.
"Sing it with me, mahal. I'm sure the twins miss your voice. Galingan mo, performance level dapat," Ivan whispered to her ear, dropping a kiss on her temple. Blaise sniffed and breathed out as she tried to join him in singing.
"Little one when you play
Pay no heed to what they say
Let your eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear
Baby of mine"
Sol Felipe stood up and looked through the little window and there he saw his parents peacefully comforting each other. Grieving together. Both used to be partners in love, in love but now they are partners in pain. As long as they shall live, their hearts are intertwined with pain. He can only comfort them by being the best son there is, but he knows no amount of achievements can ever make them forget of his brothers.
"Tara, hatid na kita sa inyo. Gabi na," Sol Felipe said, helping Camille stand from sitting at the stairs.
"Paano si Ma'am Fresh? Iiwan natin siya dito?" Camille asked.
He nodded.
"Hala! Baka ano pang mangyari sa kanya d'yan. Okay lang, hintayin na natin siya," Camille said, worried. She was about to sit again but Sol Felipe stopped her, "Don't worry about Mama. She'll be fine in there; she's with Dad."
"Andyan rin sa loob si Sir Narez?!" Surprised is an understatement as she tried not to shout.
"Yes. Kilala ko naman mga 'yan, they'll be fine. Harmless naman sila pareho," Sol Felipe said, trying to make everything lighter for Camille.
"Pero paano uuwi si Ma'am Fresh? Baka ibawas pa niya sa grade ko 'yung pag-iwan ko sa kanya ngayong gabi ah," Sol Felipe can't help but smile as he listens to Camille worry about so many things.
"Kahit naman hindi siya umuwi, okay lang. She used to live here with us. Pwede siya mamili, doon sa mansion o sa bahay ni Dad. She's a big girl na, don't worry too much about her. And regarding your grade, ako na bahala. Let's go, magpapaalam ka pa kina Abu," he said and held her hand to lead the way back to the mansion.
While walking back to the mansion, it is evident that Camille is thinking about everything that she witnessed today. Sol Felipe chuckled, "Ipagdasal mo nalang that tonight will be the start of their process to move on. Sila na nga lang bahala kung move on from each other or move on to the next chapter together."
"Mahal pa ba nila ang isa't isa?" Camille asked softly.
He nodded, "It's an open secret to everyone that they still love each other. Hindi naman nila dinedeny, but we all know that love alone is not enough to survive a relationship. Ikaw ba ano sa tingin mo, choice A or B sila?"
"Hindi ko alam. Mahirap kasi intindihin ang dalawang puso na bugbog na. Siguro, kahit mahal na mahal pa nila ang isa't isa kinailangan nila maghiwalay para magpahinga muna. To heal the wounds from the past and strengthen themselves individually for one another," Camille explained.
"It has been seven years already. Tsaka hindi ba sila mag-heal together? Sabi nila that sharing your pain to the one who understands you the most may be helpful in healing you," Sol Felipe stated, already immersed with their conversation.
"Paano kung nauubos ka na? Gugustuhin mo bang maubos ka at hilain pababa 'yung taong mahal mo? Hindi naman siguro 'di ba? Ang pagmamahal hindi lang naman 'yan naipapakita kapag magkasama kayo, it can also be shown by being strong enough to let go. Letting go doesn't mean your love is not enough, sometimes it is just strong enough to know that it is no longer healthy for the relationship," Camille explained, slowing down as they can already see the family having wine in the garden.
"May pagmamahal palang hindi healthy 'no?" Sol Felipe said, scrunching his nose.
"Oo naman! Manalig ka lang na 'yung pagmamahal nila sa isa't isa ay mas malakas sa pinagdadaanan nila. Isipin mo nalang na love is sweeter the second time around," Camille said, smiling at him.
Sol Felipe heaved a sigh and smiled, "Kung ang buhay na magkahiwalay ang pipiliin nila sa habambuhay ay tatanggapin ko naman ng buong buo sa puso ko, pero bilang anak nila masakit din na isipin na hanggang doon nalang. Akala ng lahat galit ako kay Daddy pero sa totoo lang, I just want him to realize that pushing Mama away won't help him to heal. He is better with her. They are better together."
"Dati akala ko walang laman 'yung pagtawag kay Ma'am Fresh na first lady, ngayon alam ko na mas malaman pa sa malaman ang bawat pagtukso sa kanila ni Sir Narez," Camille stated, recalling how often teachers tease her cooperating-teacher for being the First Lady of the university.
"Ikaw sa tingin mo, sino unang bibigay sa kanila sa mga panunukso ng mga tao?" Sol Felipe asked, humoring himself with the thought of his parents being teased by their closest friends and colleagues.
"Si Sir Narez," Camille answered with conviction.
Sol Felipe laughed, surprised with her answer, "Paano mo naman na sabi?'
"Matagal na kasing kumakagat sa ganyang mga biro si Ma'am Fresh. Lagi nga niyang sinasabi na siya ang reigning at naghihintay na ipasa na lang ang korona sa susunod na first lady," Camille explained.
"Echos si Mama. Confident kasi na hindi siya papalitan ni Dad. Si Daddy ang nakipaghiwalay pero siya ang mas marupok sa kanilang dalawa. Makanti na siya huwag lang si Mama," Sol Felipe said, remembering that his dad just fired two of their most trusted staff in the farm.
Sol Felipe never spoke with anyone about his thoughts towards the situation of their family with anyone, but with Camille conversation is so easy that he cannot stop himself from opening more to her. He wants to get to know her, beyond being the student-teacher of his mother. And he wants her to see him more than the son of his cooperating-teacher.
Suddenly, Sol Felipe felt like there's a need to go home to the province more often.
"Hey! Where's your Mama, Sol?" Leonora shouted from the garden as she saw the two approaching.
"She's still inside the playhouse. I'll drop Camille first sa house niya, lumalalim na ang gabi, Abu," Sol explained.
"You left your Mama alone in there? Balikan mo na siya, ako na maghahatid kay Camille," Patria said, already getting the car keys from her husband.
"Abu, Tita, no need to fret because Mama is not alone. She's with Dad," Sol Felipe announced.
"Andoon ang Daddy mo?!" Patria almost shouted that made Camille and Sol Felipe laugh.
He just shrugged his shoulders, "I was also surprised that he was there. Regardless, Mama did not complain about his presence because maybe that hug is what they have been needing for the longest time."
"O siya, let us let them be where they should really be and that is in each other's arms. Mga pakipot pa kasi," Patria said, dreaming that her brother would come to his senses and just embrace the love that her best friend is offering him.
After the death of the twins, it was miserable for the both of them. Though it was hard, they had each other to lean on and everyone thought that they could get through it, but maybe the pain was too much that Ivan was already drowning and that ended them. Those who only see them inside the university would think that they have already gotten over each other, but their closest friends know that they did not even try to do so. Moving on is not even an option for Ivan. He accepted a life away from Blaise, but his heart will always be devoted to her. Letting her go did not mean that he would stop loving her.
—
Camille was surprised that Blaise was still not in the office when she arrived. Blaise always comes really early in the office and starts the day checking all the letters and signing them to get the request of the students processed as soon as possible.
"Ate Carnie, meron po ba akong pwedeng gawin?" Camille asked, growing bored from just looking around the office. It's the midterm exams of the students and as Blaise does not have an advisory section, they do not have a class to monitor that's why all they have to do is wait for the students to finish the test.
"Wala naman. Chill ka lang muna d'yan dahil mamaya marami kang test paper na i-check," Carnie said and continued scrolling on her phone.
She can only sigh and do the same. As soon as she opened her social media accounts she saw that Sol Felipe and Ivan both sent her friend requests on her facebook. It's a good thing that she has always kept her accounts "clean" and did not let her intrusive thoughts win and share posts whenever she sees memes and random hugot lines. She both accepted and was surprised when Ivan's story was made visible for her as soon as they were friends.
After knowing the relationship of Ivan and Blaise through Sol Felipe, Camille can't help but wonder why can't two people who are in love be together after all the hurdles they've climbed over. Then she remembered in their Contemporary, Popular, and Emerging Literature class that Blaise said that romance is not just about two people falling in love; It is a quest and a war that one should be ready for.
They were all surprised when Patria entered the office looking for her best friend, "Wala pa siya?"
Camille shook her head and looked at the vacant table of Blaise.
"Hindi po ba sa inyo natulog?" Camille asked.
"Bakla ka! Nasalisihan ka na naman ng bestfriend mo! Five hours ago lang ito kaya siguro late si Fresh," Carnie said, showing Patria the recent story on Blaise's account.
"OMG! I am sending that to Mom! Kaya pala Kuya did not come home last night because he brought her home. Hmp! Akala mo naman gagambalain namin sila sa paglalabing-labing nila," Patria said, sending the screenshots of the posts to her mother.
It's a Monday and that means they have a flag racing ceremony to attend to. The maintenance reminded them about it and they were already in front of Paz Marquez - Benitez Building, the administration building and where the ceremony takes place, when Ivan's car parked in the lot reserved for the university president.
"Mukhang magpapapiging talaga Mommy niyo sa Easter Sunday dahil mukhang hindi lang si Jesus ang muling nabuhay," Carnie whispered to Patria as they watched Ivan go the the other side of the car and open the door for Blaise.
Everyone, literally every single one who is attending that flag raising ceremony were trying their best not to watch and look directly at Blaise and Ivan's direction. Carnie and Patria can only roll their eyes at their friend who is approaching them as if nothing happened.
"Friend, hindi mo naman sinabi na kapag Holy Week binabalikan ang ex. Sa Wednesday palang magsasaya ang mga bata pero ikaw Lunes palang maligaya ka pa sa mga taga Purok Maligaya," Carnie whispered to her friend but loud enough for Patria and Camille to hear.
Camille offered to carry Blaise's things but she kindly declined. Though it is not really evident, if one would closely look at Blaise they would see her puffy eyes under her eyeglasses. It can be reasoned out for lack of sleep but of course she knows that it is more than that, after all they both had a night filled with drama.
As a student, seeing and knowing Blaise and Ivan's at their most vulnerable state feels like a crime. They have always admired Blaise from afar, she is like a star that is so near yet so far for them to reach. No one can ever invalidate her achievements because even before she even stepped inside the academe she had already made a name for herself. Far from being an educator Blaise was originally a writer, she worked for various magazines after her bachelors degree until she landed a job at the biggest commercial broadcast network in the country. She wrote multiple blockbuster movies and teleseryes under her belt before being promoted to training new writers in the company.
Even the sharpest pencils, when they are often used, get worn-out. Even pens need refills too every once in a while. Writing is what kept Blaise moving for years; it is through writing that she was able to express her emotions, it is what kept her sane. As much as she loves writing, she knows that her heart is looking for peace, far from the city life and peace of mind. With her credentials, she was able to secure a position right away at the biggest university in their province. Living in the family home where she grew up, she made new memories as a woman with big dreams.
"I'll see you later, mahal," Ivan whispered, kissing her temple before they parted ways. Blaise finally agreed to join his family again for the Holy Week if he promised that they would sort things out between the two of them. It has been so long since they've tried to go separate ways and they seem to cannot even start to move on. Their lives are so in sync that every step they make is still together whether they like it or not.
After Ivan, Blaise already accepted that she wouldn't be able to love again like she loved him. People would often say that if we can give so much love to the wrong person, just imagine how much you can love the right person. But that is the problem, Ivan was never the wrong person for he has always been the one for her. It is him who knows her best, might it be in her high or in her lows.
"Camille, sorry I wasn't able to drop you off last night. Bawi na lang ako sa 'yo mamaya, lunch on me," Blaise said as they walked their way to the office.
"Okay lang po 'yun, Ma'am. Na-enjoy ko rin naman po ka-chikahan si Sol," Camille admitted. Unknown to everyone's attention, before Ivan and Blaise, it was them first who ate out and just talked the night away.
"Nagdaldal siya sa 'yo?" Blasie asked, smiling.
Camille nodded, "Kanino po nagmana Sol? Para po kasing hindi siya nauubusan ng kwento."
"He must have really felt comfortable with you last night. Thank you for sticking with him. Ikaw ang ka una-unahang kaibigan niya that he opened himself to. He only usually opens himself to people who are close to his heart," Blaise said, teasing Camille.
"Hetong si Ma'am oh! Nagpapa-ampon nga po ako sa inyo pero pinimimigay niyo naman po ako sa anak niyo," Camille said, scratching her forehead.
"Huwag na, magiging mother-in-law mo rin naman ako kapag nagkatuluyan kayo. Nauna pa nga kayo mag-ice cream sa amin eh," Blaise revealed that surprised her.
"Hala ang daldal naman talaga ni Sol, oh!" Camille said.
"Daming chismis n'yang teacher mo 'no? Pero sana ay magpaliwanag muna siya anong nangyari kagabi dahil napuyat ako kakahintay sa kanya mag-text. Ganyan ba ang matimtimang dalaga?" Patria said, sounding very much like a mother.
"Ayan, makinig ka sa nanay mo. Hindi ka na nga nagpaalam, hindi ka pa umuwi, at hinatid ka pa ng lalaki! Aba naman, nagrerebelde na ata itong anak natin, friend?" Carnie said, closing the door behind her so that they can already start with their chismis.
"Una sa lahat: Ako, matimtimang dalaga? Excuse me!" Blaise said, facing her friends. Carnie is her first friend in the university and she cannot hide anything from her, not that she even tries to hide anything from her.
"Alangan naman sabihin niyang maybahay, hindi ka naman Mrs. Narez. Oops! Nadulas, reality check lang tayo dito, friend," Carnie said, seeing that Blaise is denying anything.
"I hate you! I won't invite you to my wedding kapag ako naging Mrs. Narez," Blaise said, sticking her tongue at Carnie.
"Speaking of invite, pumunta kanina dito secretary ni Sir Narez and they said baka naman daw pwedeng pumunta ka na this year sa pa-birthday ng university sa kanya," Carnie said, handing her an invitation for later's surprise birthday for Ivan.
"Pupunta na 'yan! Baka nga nauna ng mag-celebrate kagabi 'eh," Patria said, teasing her best friend who obviously has something going on again with her brother. Blaise used to be the one organizing the surprise birthday party for Ivan in the university, but she stopped attending seven years ago.
"Seriously, kung hindi mo naman gustong pumunta okay lang din naman. Hindi rin naman gugustuhin ni Kuya na hindi ka komportable. Tsaka magkikita rin naman tayo mamaya for the mass," Patria said. Knowing her brother, he wouldn't impose on something that would make Blaise uncomfortable. His top priority has always been her and her welfare.
Hindi bale ng makalimutan ang sarili at masaktan, sapagkat uunahin niya palagi ang kapakanan ni Blaise. Hanggat sa abot ng kanyang makakaya ay ibibigay niya ang katahimikan at kapayapaan na kailangan ni Blaise.
—
Camille stretched her arms after checking one hundred fifty test papers. It's a good thing that their course happens to be the first one to be given to their students, giving her a lot of time to check. She ate the muffin that Blaise placed beside her for her snack and waited for her to finish checking the essay part of the exam.
She is blessed with having Blaise as her cooperating-teacher as she has heard many nightmares from her classmates with theirs. As it is part of their training to help their cooperating-teachers, some teachers would give literally every work they have to their student-teachers treating them as their slaves. One could only hope for a teacher like Blaise who literally guides and helps with every step of the way.
"Camille, here oh. Bukas ka na mag-record, hindi magandang masyadong napapagod ang mata," Blaise said, handing her the remaining test papers.
Blaise looked at Carnie's table and rolled her eyes that her secretary was not even able to wait for her before going to the party, "May iniwan pong packed lunch si Ma'am Carnie para sa inyo. Gusto niyo po ba initin ko?"
"Talaga nga naman nag-assume siya na hindi ako pupunta. Bigay mo nalang sa maintenance 'yung packed lunch tapos ikaw sasamahan mo ako doon sa party," Blaise said, preparing to go.
Because Blaise did not bring her car to school today, both were forced to walk under the scorching heat of March's summer sun. For sure the birthday party is already starting and Blaise does not care, she even takes her time greeting and chatting with some students who they bump into. Camille would just stand there and feel kilig as Blaise is clinging her arm to hers while she talks to some students. For more than four months, they have already built a friendship that she did not expect in her wildest dreams.
When they entered, the program for the birthday already started and Blaise just stood at the back looking for Carnie. All seats are occupied, that's why she just opted to stand and watch from afar. She can see Ivan clapping and laughing at the silly impersonation of his friends on stage.
Blaise can't help but giggle when Carnie appeared on stage looking like Ivan's secretary, "Ma'am Blaise wants to see you po."
Everyone can't help but to cheer and tease Ivan. Carnie's husband, who is a friend and the Dean of the Engineering department plays the role of Ivan started acting as if he was nervous that made everyone laugh, "S-sige, papasukin mo."
The laughter got louder when Patria stepped on stage looking exactly like her. She cannot believe that her best friend agreed to impersonate her. Scrunching her nose as Patria delivered her lines, exaggerating how maldita she is.
"Pinagtripan pa nga ako nga ako. Send mo sa akin ang video ah," Blaise whispered to Camille who is taking a video of everything.
"Pres Narez, si Ma'am Patria po talaga ang may idea ng lahat ng ito. Nawa'y mapatawad niyo po kami," the host, who is also a teacher in the university, said as soon as the performance was over.
"As part of the program, I was asked to randomly pick from the visitors to give Pres Narez a very short message for his birthday or maybe a trivia about him that you have discovered while working with him. Napag-alaman po kasi ng aming team that behind his very serious aura is a man who is a friend to everyone. Pres Narez, ngayon natin malalaman kung sino talaga ang totoong mga kaibigan mo," everyone chuckled at the last line of the host.
"Syempre alam na ninyo kung saan tayo mag-uumpisa..." everyone in front assumed that the first one would come from them, "syempre doon tayo sa mga nagtatago. Doon tayo sa likod!"
Everyone laughed and followed the host as he went to the back. Blaise was busy with her phone answering messages from her students and their concerns that she did not see that she already caught the eye of the host.
"I think it is very apt that we start with someone who is very close to Pres Narez, someone who knows him," The host softly said and Ivan's eyes widened as he saw Blaise at the very end of the room.
"Mukhang busy ata si Ma'am Fresh," The host said that finally got the attention of Blaise. She immediately put her phone to sleep and smiled at the host who is now standing next to her
"Ma'am lumipad po ang aming team para po matunton kung nasaan kayo. Linangoy po namin ang dagat at inakyat ang mga bundok para makita lamang ang pinaka tatagong puso ni Pres Narez," The host said to Blaise that made her giggle.
They all laughed when the host started wiping his sweat, "Pinagpapawisan ako sa kaba, Ma'am. Sana pagkatapos talaga ng birthday party na ito may trabaho pa ako."
"Kayo naman, wala naman kasing malisya. Short message lang po or if may gusto po kayong trivia na i-share about Pres Narez tulad ng kung bakit po kayo kumakain ng ice cream ng madaling araw," The host said that made everyone shout and laugh out loud .
One of the staff handed Blaise a microphone, "Hello. Good afternoon, everyone."
"Message or trivia 'no?" Blaise asked and the host nodded.
From afar she can see that Ivan is looking at her, she sweetly smiled and waved her hand at him, "Hello, you. Happiest birthday."
"I think everyone in this room has experienced working closely with our very hard working, reliable, and handsome university president. Pogi naman talaga kaya pagbigyan na natin siya," Blaise said, smiling sweetly at him.
"Another year older means another opportunity to live life better. May you continue to guide this university to reaching its goal of producing globally competitive students and bringing it to the world map. Always know that your hard work is very much appreciated not only by the admin council, but also by the students who adore you. You are a gift to everyone that you share your life with and I hope you know how special you are to us," if Ivan is truly an ice cream at the moment he would have already melted.
"I will always pray that everything your heart desires will come true. Don't worry too much about the people around you because that's life. Kung masasaktan kami, edi masaktan. You have always put us first before yourself and I hope, as you grow a year older, you realize that it's okay to prioritize yourself too. Hindi maling piliin mo kung ano ang makakapagpasaya sa 'yo. Stop calculating and just take the risk," Blaise said, looking straight into his eyes that they did not notice that Sol Felipe arrived.
"You always have us behind you. Know that you have a family who is very, very, very proud of you and that you got us no matter what. At sana hindi na kayo magtalo lagi ng anak mo na para kayong na sa korte dahil sumasakit na ulo ko sa inyo," Blaise said that made everyone laugh. "Kidding aside, I know that he is very proud to call you his dad. Through commas and semicolons, you and I will stay the same. There is no period nor question marks, for as long as I breathe my heart beats for you. Happy birthday, mahal."
Ivan stood up and walked towards her to which she welcomed him with the tightest hug. In the midst of the sea of educators and businessmen, he whispered to her, "Mahal kita."
Surely, this birthday is one of the best one he had from the last seven years. All his life, he wanted everything planned out and perfect but last night he realized that not in life there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is boring.
After all the tears that were shed, he finally learned his lesson that sometimes all he has to do is break free and let his heart take control. Today he is ready to finally be the man that Blaise said yes to seventeen years ago and stop being the idiot that he is.
—