chapter xvi. respite
Quite some time has passed since the first time you began using the magic portals, long since you have arrived in this castle and learned about the existence of magic in this realm, and you are slowly beginning to notice the changes happening with your body.
It seems to you that the more you are using the portals, the easier your body becomes affected by their magic. Just as how you seem to be getting more sensitive to the flow of magic that is a part of the portals.
Returning from Grimm had costed you quite a predicament. Once again, the journey had drained your energy that you slept through the night and nearly woke up late the next morning after your return. Even the palace maids who have been tending to your needs since the day you came to the castle had become so concerned, thinking that perhaps you have gone ill.
It wasn't until later in the evening when you figured out the reason why you have been feeling a deep fatigue coursing through your body each time you returned from your excursions. Not until the moment the royal physician was brought to see you after a full day of being listless, with barely any energy for you to have a meal.
The royal physician took his time examining your body thoroughly, yet once he deliberated his assessment, you were quickly taken by surprise, not expecting to hear him talk about your mana and how it had everything to do with the reason why you were feeling sluggish and drained.
"It seems to me that you have exhausted your mana. Have you perhaps been using it excessively as of late, Your Highness?"
"I—no, not that I recall. I haven't done much but study with my tutor and keep myself busy with royal duties," you simply answered as you laid back against the pillows, refraining from admitting openly that you hadn't even begun training on how to wield your magic, much less to start getting to know about it at all.
You had no idea how much most of the people within the home castle have learned about you, or if any of them ever knew anything about your previous life at all. Particularly about your life back at The Citadel, back in the human realm where magic didn't exist. You also had no idea if there was anyone within the castle who may have learned about the family's magic and the responsibility that had been placed upon you to protect the secret behind the magic.
A part of you wished that you could have said something about it. Because maybe then you could find someone to help you solve the things you had wished to know. To find someone to confide in.
Someone who belonged in the castle, who was trusted by the King himself, instead of confiding to a member of the mercenary army suspected to pose a threat to the empire.
Shaking your head, you forced yourself to stop thinking about this—to stop thinking just how dependent you were becoming to the handsome and mysterious stranger that you probably shouldn't trust—just as the royal physician shared with you another theory while being oblivious to your trailing thoughts.
"Then perhaps your body is having problems adjusting to the castle. The magic barrier that His Majesty, The King, has placed here is quite strong. It must have been draining your energy as you come in contact with it, or—" the physician stopped himself as he deliberated the issue further while rubbing at his chin. But then he suddenly started shaking his head, as if brushing away those thoughts with his lips curling downward in displeasure.
"No," he began wondering to himself, brushing away whatever thought crossing through his mind as he murmured, "I doubt that His Majesty's magic would feed on your mana. The barrier surrounding the castle would require a power source, but I can't see anyone else other than His Majesty who would be powerful enough to provide such energy."
That can happen? You couldn't help but wonder. Has your father's magic been feeding on your mana?
But that sounds—so terribly wrong.
Just as these thoughts continued to run rampant in your head, a faint tingle ran through your forearm while you were being examined, and you couldn't help but remember how similar it felt to the sensation coursing through you whenever you walked through the magic portals.
Had it really been the reason? Have you been right for thinking that perhaps the magic portals have been draining your mana, your energy, feeding off your magic that had been lying dormant within you?
Is this why Father had insisted that I only use the portal only once a day and not more, and to not stay any longer than the time limit that he had given?
Or had it been the other way around? What if it has always been my mana which activated those portals, while the keys have only been the medium to help open the doors?
Clearing his throat, the royal physician brought your attention back to him as he gently reassured you, "I will leave you with some remedy and a special potion to help strengthen your mana and help you rest for the night until your body recovers enough. I will also leave a list of nutritions that could be added to your meal. It may help you heal faster if your body receive the proper sustenance needed for your recovery. I shall leave it in the hands of your personal maids so they could hand them to the royal chef."
Your mind was still stuck in his previous comment and your own assessment of the condition that you found yourself in that you barely paid attention to his words, although you were still able to answer him with a soft murmur, "Thank you, Sir."
The physician said nothing else after. "In the meantime, please don't strain yourself too much, Your Highness. You have quite a delicate constitution which may require a lot of care," he inquired, before softly adding, "I am sure that His Majesty would prefer that you take care of yourself well until he returns home."
You said nothing other than gratitude to the royal physician as he made his leave, allowing you some privacy and enough time to have your much-needed rest. Yet the silence that you were left with couldn't stop you from spending the night wondering, thinking back to everything that he said; about your mana being drained without you realising it.
Looking down at your hands as you kept them rested on your lap, you slowly opened your palms. There hadn't been enough books in the library that could have given you any clue on how to make use of your mana and practice your magic.
You could only figure this out simply because you had tried to look. Out of all the magic books that you had been digging into in the library outside of your tutoring hours, you had found little to nothing that was written about any magic that may conjure portals. At the very least, nothing that seemed similar to the magic that your father had cast in these portals.
And there had been nothing other than the old scriptures you found about ancient fairies and their ability to move between space and time that sounded similar to those portals. Although there were mentions of these ancient beings traveling to many different parts of the realm, even crossing between realms.
But what if there was something in those scriptures that could explain about the source of your father's magic? Had there been something in those texts that you had missed?
That night, as you slowly drifted into sleep under the effect of the potion that had been given by the physician, you made a promise to yourself to return to those scriptures and learn more about the magic that was written in them. You fell asleep that night feeling hopeful, determined to find the roots of your father's magic.
Perhaps, with a little more digging, you would find the reason why he had left you with such a huge responsibility of keeping this magic as a secret, while setting things in motion to have you venturing into those portals and to walk across the parts of the world hidden behind them so blindly.
Perhaps, you could also find the answer to one of the biggest secrets that he has been keeping from you and everyone else for years.
The secrets about your mother.
"I might have to show it to you to prove it..."
Yoongi's voice echoes through your mind as if it bounces against the invisible walls standing all around you.
The words that he gave you seems to have been engraved in your memory ever since the day you met him in Grimm, and they keep haunting you both in your dreams and during your waking hours. It has been a couple of days since, yet it still feels like yesterday when you parted ways with Yoongi in the dark forest of Grimm.
Since then, you have been overcome with a deep feeling of regret.
The regret for not being able to have more time to spend with him. The regret of not being able to catch his sight, to be completely helpless as you watch him getting swallowed under the thick foliage, held back by fear that had a tight grip in your chest.
And you also feel the regret that always comes to haunt you whenever you recall about the offer that he made that day. When he reached out to you, offering to assist you in learning more about your magic. You hate thinking that you might have missed out on a chance to figure out your magic.
But it couldn't be helped, after all, when your father's voice—repeating the same words and warnings about how important it was to keep the family's magic a secret—kept echoing through your head while you were staring at Yoongi's extended hand which he offered you that day. You had felt the itch to reach out to him, to accept his hand, even if it was only for the sake of feeling the gentle touch of his fingers on yours instead of actually having him help awaken the magic that was lying dormant inside you.
Yet you just couldn't do it.
And now you are left with the constant wonderings—all the what ifs and what could haves—while the long list of regrets that are still lingering with you becomes the reason why you keep seeing in in your dreams.
The dreams are never the same.
In one dream, you recounted the moment you refused his offer. Only this time, you had stepped away from him at the tavern, choosing to end your time together earlier than what you had intended to so you could escape his attentive eyes. In another, you haven't even heard the same words spoken by Yoongi before his image vanished right in front of your eyes.
But there was one particular dream that appeared so vividly that you continued to see it even during the daytime, taking over your idle mind with his presence as if you were taken back to that moment, when you sat right across from him with his deep, unwavering gaze locked on yours.
"I might have to show it to you to prove it..."
You never truly understood what he meant by saying those words, but in this dream of yours, none of it mattered. And your father's voice hadn't been there to stop you from leaning forward at the table to give him your rapt attention. Your mind was also silent, and the thunderous sound of your heartbeat faded away when you spoke to him,
"How?"
"Give me your hand."
Time seemed to remain still as you reached out to him, giving him your hand. You barely touched the tips of his fingers when something magical happened; as a bright sparks of silver dust light up between both of your hands, with specks of blue dust erupting the moment you made contact with his skin, and the same tingling sensation that you had often felt from the portals came surging through your arms before settling inside your chest.
Before your mind could ever make sense of what was happening, the light only grew brighter, and everything faded under its blinding glow which later pulled you away from the dream. And as you slowly woke up, finding yourself lying on your bed alone, nothing else remained from the dream, except for the tingles running across your skin which took their sweet time to fade away.
Stepping out of the treasure room, you clutch the golden pocket watch in your palm, feeling victorious that you finally have it in your hand.
You had come to the treasure room right before your afternoon lessons with your tutor, hoping that you would be able to find anything that might be useful for your next trip through the portals. Your father had been right, after all, that the treasure room may provide you with anything that you may need to support your daily activities while you adjust with your new life at the castle.
Like a pocket watch, for example.
Something that is so small and simple, yet crucial for the sake of your safety while you are out there, roaming through any foreign land that the portals are taking you.
Why have I never thought of this before?
You cannot help but wonder as you look down at the ticking watch in your hand, regretting that you didn't think of getting one in the first place. It could have saved you a lot of trouble if you had.
The last couple of trips you made had been risky, as you kept cutting it too close to the time limit that had been given to you by your father, only missing merely minutes or even seconds before the portal started closing behind you after you slipped back through.
You had nearly gotten into a bigger trouble when you returned from Grimm, almost missing a toe when you barely managed to return to the portal before it closed on you. You blame it to your impulse need of chasing Yoongi into the deep forest when you started to feel like he was slipping away from and disappearing for good.
It was after that incident when you finally learned your lesson and decided that something needed to change. That you would need something to hold onto which may help you to keep up with the time, instead of simply relying on the signs of dusk as a reminder to let you know when it was time to return home.
The idea first came to you after observing Lord Gordan, the royal aide and the head butler of the castle, while he was working on his duties. You had often seen him pulling out a golden watch from the pocket of his suit to help him tell the time, and wondered if it would be something that you could make use of.
After receiving the royal physician's approval to return to your daily duties this morning, you feel like you are ready to embark on another adventure. With this golden pocket watch in your hand, the magic necklace that had been passed down to you from your late mother, and the dagger hidden under the skirt of your dress, you feel as if you are unstoppable, ready to face anything that may come to your path as you walk through the portal later once your tutoring hours are over.
Now if you only could just find a way to calm the restless thrums of your heartbeat inside your tight chest, then everything would be well. That is all that you could only hope for, at the very least, as you make your way to your tutoring lesson.
Because what better way to find answers other than to gain them straight from the people who are in charge of teaching you everything that is needed to learn as the heir of throne? Who else would know the answers you need, other than your tutors?
"You want to—" Lady Laurel carefully repeats your question. She is looking slightly wary to even voice it out loud, even if it is just the two of you in the library that her voice is lowered when she continues, "—practice using your magic?"
You have only been away from the library for a couple of days while you were resting, only keeping contact with Lady Laurel by corresponding through letters and the books that she had left behind through your personal maids for you to read.
Today would be the first day that you are back with your daily lectures. You could tell from the moment you saw Lady Laurel sitting by the study desk in the library as she waited for you to arrive that she had a lot of things planned out to keep you busy for the day.
But you have come up with your own plan when you marched your way to the library.
For weeks now, Lady Laurel had filled your private lessons with lectures about the fairy tale land to get you to know this new realm a lot more. So far, you have learned about its history, about the kingdoms and the people, even the non-human beings that you may find should you ever have the chance to visit those lands—elves, fairies, werewolves, even human mages—and you have heard about the real events that are the makings behind all the tales known and shared in the human realm.
During those long weeks, Lady Laurel had also been teaching you the basic knowledge of magic; the types of magic that you may encounter and each of their origins, the history behind them, and the ancient spells that have been written in the textbooks that you have found in the library during your solo studying.
She was also the one who first taught you to find a way to identify your mana.
She had mentioned how it would be helpful in the future should you start using your magic, as you would have become familiar to the mana flowing inside you by the time you begin your magic practices. If only she knew with what you have been doing once you were done with her lessons, how you have been using the theories that she had taught you into practice once you were left on your own.
There has been nothing much that Lady Laurel could teach you in her lessons other than the ability to reach within, to feel the presence of your magic and have a good grip on it, to recognise it as a part of yourself instead of something that simply appeared in your body overnight. But your solo practices that you have been doing in the shelter of your bedchamber had taken it a step further, enhancing it until you could make use of it to recognise and then respond to the magic that exists around you.
Just like the way you had used it to respond to the magic in the portals and to recognise Yoongi's inner mana.
Yet that is just as far as both of you could get. You could tell that there are restrictions that your tutors would need to follow when they are guiding you through your lessons. Because not once had she ever tried to do more; whether it was to help you unleash the magic inside you, nor to use it by conjuring the magic for a purpose.
But you want more. You have been ready for more. And after your last encounter with Yoongi, you have gained the courage to express your desire to learn how to properly use your magic more actively. To learn how to expel its powers and make use of it for your own benefit.
And that is exactly what you said to your tutor the moment you joined her at the library's study area, as you were taking the seat right across from her as you usually would during your tutoring hours.
Keeping your eyes on Lady Laurel, you try to gauge her reaction. Even from the moment you had first thought of bringing this up to her, you had expected to have an intense response from her, and for her to straight up refuse your request.
And you have been prepared to deal with whatever the outcome may be, knowing that you are not going to back down that easily.
"Yes, that is exactly what I said," you answer her with your chin raised, feeling determined about taking the next step into learning how to use your magic. "I want you to teach me how to unlock my magic and help me practice using it, instead of just trying to feel it. Because I already know that it's there, lying almost dormant inside me without me knowing how to use it to protect the people who are dear to me, which is something that I want to be able to do."
These thoughts have been running through your head for the past few days while you were being holed up in your bedchamber under the royal physician's restrictions. The feeling of want and the deep curiosity you have to know more about your magic, to be able to reach within yourself so you could somehow wield it so that you could make good use of it, has been growing stronger that you can no longer deny it.
That need had been lingering in your thoughts that it was almost impossible for you to remain idle during your bedrest, and you had then taken the risk to secretly try to find ways to unlock your magic on your own.
You just couldn't help it, after all. When you had nothing else to fill your time with aside from watching the scenery outside of your windows and reading the pages of your books, until neither could easily calm the havoc happening inside your mind. So you stole the short chances you could get between the hours you were given to rest under the heavy medication and the constant flurry of lady maids coming and going into your room as they attended to your needs.
Using the vivid images of your dreams, the basic knowledge of magic that you learned through your lectures, and the small facts about your magic that you learned from Yoongi as your guidance, you had spent your quiet nights trying to get in touch with the magic that was believed to be coursing through your body.
You tried everything you could; from using your necklace to see if it could bring out the mana inside you, to copying Yoongi's action which you saw in your dreams, by placing your hands together to see if it could bring out your magic.
But no matter how hard you tried to concentrate and tried to cast your magic out through your fingertips, nothing seemed to be happening. Nothing more but a surge of energy crawling its way from your palms, through your fingers, stopping at each tip, before they vanished into your veins.
And you continued to try, until there was nothing left but the exhaustion rolling through your body and the missing warmth of Yoongi's hand which your body seemed to have memorised from that day and what you are now craving to feel the most.
Having to openly ask your tutor for her help had been your last resort, knowing that she has her limits to what kind of guidance that she could offer you in learning about magic. Yet you had every reason to harbour some hope that she would somehow comply with your request.
Oftentimes, whenever you would try to inquire about any specific theories to learn about during your lectures, Lady Laurel would have embraced it—she has always loved your curiosity and your eagerness to learn—and grabbed any chance that she could have to share any knowledge about the realm that you were still struggling to understand.
This time, however, she seems uneasy to hear your request. Not because she is reluctant to teach you about magic, as she has been doing so ever since the first day she started her lessons. What seems to make her reluctant about this is the fact that you are asking her to help you learn about your magic.
With a remorseful sigh, Lady Laurel leans forward in her seat. Reaching out across the desk, she places a gentle grip on your wrist. "Your Highness, I'm sure that you are curious to learn more about your magic," she begins with a polite smile, "But His Majesty had specifically inquired—"
Before she can finish her words, you immediately cut her off.
"I know what my father said"—as you have repeatedly said each time I tried to bring this topic up before, you silently wonder with a frown—"but His Majesty has yet to return, while here I am, feeling like my soul is slowly being sucked out of my body without understanding why. Maybe if I could control my magic, things will be different and I'd know how to prevent something like this from happening again."
Through the letters that you have been exchanging with your tutor, you had explained everything that the royal physician had relayed on you about your condition.
At first, you simply mentioned about your draining mana in your letter to try and ask for her opinion to see if this was something that could possibly happen. Without mentioning the secret doors and the magic portals in your letter, you questioned her if there was anything that you may have come in contact with which might be able to drain your mana without you ever realising it.
The response that you were given with hadn't been enough to answer your curiosity. But there was something in her letter which caught your attention, when she explained in a rather plain sentence—
"There are certain elements that have been built all over the castle, each one imbued with His Majesty's magic. Perhaps, with His Majesty being gone, these elements have been trying to find a new source of energy. I have highly suspected that your magic might be similar to that is of the King's, which made it possible for the energy around you to mistakenly drain your mana to fill whatever they are lacking."
"You know very well the reason why I would have to refuse taking over your magic training, Your Highness," Lady Laurel regretfully says as she pulls back. You hate how genuine she seems to be as she is saying all of this, about the regret of not being able to fulfil your wishes, as she is being held under the King's orders.
It wouldn't be until later when you notice the unspoken words hidden perfectly in her response, that she isn't refusing your request because she isn't capable of doing so. Because she is capable. But she is also bound under your father's rules when it comes to your lessons.
"All I can do without His Majesty's guidance would be to guide you to become in tune with the mana that you have inside you, preparing you for the actual training that you are about to have under the King's guidance himself," she continues, and just like that, she turns to pick up the guidance textbook and the set of candles that she would use during these sessions, ready to start another one of her practices that she has been introducing you as of late. "We can continue to do that today and see how far ahead we can go this time. The last time we did—"
Once again, you cut off her words before she could finish talking. "The last time we had our lesson, you were helping me identify my mana and how to channel onto it so I could feel its flow inside me."
And to recognise it without exposing your magic form. Something that you have caught on after a while and seems to be one of the main tasks given to her when your father passed down the duty of tutoring you while he is gone. But you say nothing of this.
After all, if you are trying to convince her to change her mind and sneak behind the King's orders to fulfil your wishes, the last thing you should do is to show her that you have figured out all of her cards—the little tricks that she had played to skirt around the subject of your magic.
You may never figure out the reason behind all the secrecy about the family's magic, or why your father would prevent anyone from helping you in unlocking your magic without his presence. But oddly enough, the more you think about it, the more you understand why your father would take such measures.
The magic that he uses to create the portals wouldn't have been a regular kind of magic. You can tell that it is something special, something that your father has treasured for a long time, even before you ever came into the world.
But would your magic be anything similar to what your father has, just like what Lady Laurel previously claimed? Would you be able to create your own portal one day to find your own escape?
As if answering your question, Lady Laurel gently speaks to you, "I know that you are curious, and the lessons that you have been getting so far no longer seems to adequate to your needs, as you have gotten enough of the basic knowledge that you could gain in such a short amount of time. All I can ask of you is for you to be patient for now. His Majesty will be returning soon, and he will be able to guide you with your magic and answer a lot of your questions."
As much as you hate backing down, you realise that you have no other choice—at this moment, at least—but to give up, and follow your tutor's advice.
"I suppose, I can be a little more patient," you finally say to her with a sigh.
Your acceptance seems to please her, as a smile grows on Lady Laurel's face. She beams as she rings the bell to summon the maids for a serving of tea and snacks to accompany your lesson, just like always. And while in waiting, she continues to set up all the books of magic that she would need for your lesson, followed by lighting up the set of candles that she has laid out in front of you.
"Let's continue with our practice on your focus today," Lady Laurel says to you as she returns to her seat while gesturing you to keep your eyes on the flickering flames. The same way that she has always guided you during your focus training.
This practice might be far off from helping to unlock your magic, yet you still have to admit that this practice may have been quite helpful so far. Because it was through this practice that you had inadvertently figured out one of the skills that you have developed ever since you started learning about magic.
The skill which allows you to trace and identify others' mana; be it within a person or a place.
The same skill that you revealed to Yoongi the last time you were together.
As you try to empty your mind and focus on the flickering candlelights, the dejected feeling that came over you earlier is slowly being lifted when you remember that this day is still far from ending, and you still have other tutors to turn to.
So you try to make it through the end of your lecture, doing your best with your simple training, Even if it only means that you will be walking out of here in the afternoon with sharpened focus. Perhaps it might be able to help you later by preventing you from falling asleep too soon if you ever decide to try to unlock your magic on your own again.