~*~
AT THE BUTTERFLY MANSION ~ (Hayami's POV:)
This weight on me felt like lead.......
Everything was black, feeling like I could see, but only through the darkness of a room or the depths of hell. Voices in the distance echoes, and this continues for hours that I lose track of time itself. Time didn't seem quick, as it was achingly slow. Was I already in hell? Or Heaven? Am I in between life and death, or.......?
The sound of soft snores meets my ears, before my eyelids open with every bit of strength with a blinding light piercing into my dulled eyes.
Grimacing in response taking some time to adjust, I found myself staring at the ceiling? Wait, isn't this the......I'm at the butterfly mansion? Registering everything in the reason I'm right here, I soon remember the faces of my comrades all flashing in the back of my mind. Akio, Yaeko, Botan, Hina.....and Asahi.....
It's all my fault.......I did this.......
About to try and sit up I felt something heavy weighing on my lower half, before feeling large hands around my pudgy tummy. Tufts of white hair were in view when I glance down, before recognising who it was, realising it's him. His larger body was over mine, in a protective grip that I didn't feel uncomfortable, but secure. His heavy breathing brushes against my bare shoulder, his right cheek squished up against my chest.
How long was I even out for? I thought I was for sure dead........
Carefully lifting up my hand, feeling my arm strain to the small movement I inhale sharply. Threading my fingers through his hair, I felt the slightly brittle yet soft tufts of hair rake through with ease. Brushing them through his hair, I felt this warmth beat within my chest with these unknown feelings surfacing. Feelings that I never once thought about, until now as I question how I felt about him.
The sound of a sharp gasp makes me lift my gaze, only to see one of the nurses standing there in shock.
"Y-You're awake........" she breaths out while stepping back, before she rushes out. "......L-Lady Kocho!!! Someone, bring Lady Kocho to Lady Mizutsuki's room immediately!!!!!!!"
Her cries disappear from the entrance before feeling Sanemi stirring, with a grumble and groan while yawning tiredly. Glancing down I saw his eyes slowly fluttering irritably, slowly rouses from his sleep as our eyes meet. For a second he was furrowing his expression in confusion, before he lifts his head, "Hey.....you idiot! Do you know how scared I was?!"
Flinching in response, I noticed he wasn't moving away from his position like he used too.
He was always embarrassed with whatever he does, that wasn't his character. Only this time his cheeks were flushed a dark hue, and worry and anger mixed together. Tears slowly well at my bottom lips, as my hand rests at the base of his nape. "I'm sorry.......I'm sorry......" I whisper, finding my voice hoarse and raspy. Coughing heavily I felt him sit up and shifts to the side of the bed, and passed me a glass of water.
Taking a careful sip I allow my throat to gather moisture, before passing it back to him.
He took the glass, "Don't........don't be fucking sorry," He mutters, his eyes averting mine whilst placing the glass to the nightstand. "You were out for almost two weeks, you never once said a damn word.......nor opened your eyes. You were in a coma like state.......shit..." he rubs his entire face, as his hair tousles over his weary eyes.
Blinking away the tears from my bleary eyes, I shakily exhale before trying to sit up and lean against the headboard.
"Whoa! Easy!" Sanemi's hand holds my arm carefully, while the other rests against the small of my back.
"I'm okay..........ribs hurt that's all," I inhale sharply, clutching underneath my chest realising my entire chest, and right shoulder bound in gauze and feeling a patch on the side of my neck. I take a moment to gather the air from the little movement, finding it difficult to breath. Like I said before, my entire body felt like lead that the pain was unbearable but manageable. Adjusting my body a little, threads of hair gather around my face irritatingly.
Soon I felt his fingers thread through my locks as he was closer, before he gathers all my loose hair in a loose and failed bun.
"Geez, I can't even do this right," He grumbles under his breath, with his usual scowl. The way his eyes focus on my hair with such detail, and precision it made me feel flustered. He tries to fix it again, and second time is the charm as he manages to fix it. "You girls really have it rough--"
A small gentle chuckle follows, "Hair is barely nothing to cope with," I assure him, keeping my voice barely a whisper to how sore my throat was. It must've been crushed, from the attack two weeks ago. "Seriously, you're doing alright to not let it annoy me........thank you."
He gets all flustered as red dusts across his cheeks sheepishly, "Shut up, I just......trying to help you at least......tch...."
With a weak smile I glance to the side, seeing a beautiful bunch of iris' bathing in the sunlight by the window pane.
Still trying to understand what had just occurred at my mission, it all came back upon him over and over again. His eyes I could no longer forget anymore, finding them more clear and filled with such resentment and malice. The worst has just begun, not even realising that my own father was no longer human but the devil and enemy of what he tried to go against. He's become something I hated most, but despite my circumstances I still feared him.
"My, my........you seem healthy and alive," A familiar voice breaks me out of my thoughts, before meeting her soft lavender eyes.
"Shinobu....."
She gives me her usual amicable smile, "Glad to see you're well and awake," walking up with a tray of supplies, before she ushers Sanemi to the side. She walks over to me, and lifts my chin and held a small little light in hand and shines it my eyes. "You're not dilated, which is good.....seems the concussion has gone away......."
"When will I be discharged?"
Sanemi went to protest when Shinobu cuts him off, "Actually, I've sent a messenger to crow to Lady Amane Ubuyashiki......" She spoke up, mentioning the masters wife. "......she wanted to personally assign you to her estate, judging by the battle on Mount Setagaya. Your body won't full recover for a few more weeks, but you're able to attend important matters such as......"
She was suddenly hesitant, but I knew what she was meaning. Ryuji's grave.
The thought kept running through my head, refusing believe he's left me on earth. How can he so selfish to leave me, when he didn't fight death. He didn't even try to stop the bleeding, let alone total concentration as if he wanted this. Slowly but surely my breath hitches in realisation, as my blood runs cold finally understand what he was trying to do.
But why? How can that idiot do this to himself?! To me?!
"S-Suicide.........." I inaudibly spoke, with a shaky breathe. My hair messily cover my eyes, feeling that tight sensation swelling in my chest. It felt like a heavy boulder crushing me in the inside, that I couldn't hardly breath as I try to gasp for air. My hand shakes violently, grasping the edge of my binds to hold myself. It felt too much.
"She's having a panic attack........!" The nurse yells in alarm, only hearing her voice becoming muffled with my ears ringing.
Trying to gather air into my lungs, I felt it exhaling too much that it left a burning sensation in the depth of my throat. The chills running up my arms and back made hairs stand on end, and the shortness of breath made it harder to gather air.
"Hayami, we need you to calm down," Shinobu's voice was muffling, feeling myself not addressing anyone feeling my vision become blurry. "Listen, please talk to us.......you're safe, you're alright...."
I couldn't even hearing a single word coming from her, when suddenly the warmth of someone's hands cup my face.
"Hayami.......Hayami......" his voice begins to sound clearer, except the ringing continuously lead on and on.
The feeling of his thumbs circling my cheekbones, the way his voice was firm but tender all at once while he tries to make me focus on him. Though I couldn't make what he was saying, his expression wasn't at all scowling but a softening concerned look. The way his thumbs move across the plump surface of my cheeks, slowly eases me until slowly my breath draws slower and finally I could hear his voice. Without another word, arms wrap around me suddenly as he didn't want to overwhelm me before.
"Easy............you've been through hell," he whispers gently, against the shell of my ear. Allowing my body to relax and sink into his comforting large warm embrace, I take slow deep steady deep breathes in and then exhaling. His hand rubs my back soothingly, not used to being embraced by him once. In that moment, my heart felt lighter and my body felt secure within his comforting hold on me.
What was this feeling?
A soft voice clears their throat before Sanemi pulls away, "So........you mention, suicide?" Shinobu inquires, assuming that's what she heard.
For a moment I was confused, but recalls why I suddenly had an episode.
"I feel.........like, Ryuji wasn't killed so easily......." I spoke up, meeting her soft lavender eyes again. Sanemi remains sitting at the edge of the bed, arms securely around my waist while explaining what I'm acknowledged by that very night. ".......since the passing of the flower Hashira, your sister.........Ryuji soon became depressed. Looking back I....."
It was all there, and I was so blind I didn't realise he was screaming for exit from this life....
".......it was all there, maybe I wasn't.....it was......" I tried to prevent saying anything, or mentioning about death. Or even the word itself. I refused he would die so easily, as if Kanae was his reasoning to leave me behind. "........a suicide, he wanted it to end..."
How could he do this to himself? To me?
Sanemi scoffs, "The hell," looking away, while Shinobu checks my pulse on my inner wrist for a moment.
"He did love my sister very much," Shinobu agrees gently, as she checks my pulse. "He seemed rather distant, and didn't attend a few Hashira meetings as I've heard......" before she gives me some painkillers, and a glass of water. "Now.....drink this."
Taking the few pills and the glass of water, I down it quickly before Shinobu takes my glass as she collect her things and lifts the tray.
"I suggest resting for a little longer, give a day and then by friday tomorrow, you're released and Lady Amane will take you in," She informs me softly, before shifting her attention towards Sanemi. "So make sure she does overexert herself, not strain her body.........if we weren't there on time. Well......you know what would've happened....." before she exits the room.
For a moment I had no idea what to do first, let alone wonder if I even deserve any care at all after what happened.
"So......was I the only one? That survived?" I question, quietly.
"hmm?" he sits back down on the edge of my bed. "Actually, the kakushi managed to save one other life. Some brat called Akio Sato.....I dunno. His injuries were far worse, geez you think your human, but you can die so easily......."
"Akio.......Sato?" murmuring to myself, before a wave of relief overcomes my thoughts. It was as if a life managed to be saved, but yet........I didn't feel entirely relieved.
I still feel at fault for all that has occurred two weeks ago, recalling their bodies buried into the snow with only red covering them. Flesh shredded, heads decapitated so jaggedly, and their expressions from fear and pain was left on their dying breath. Clenching my jaw tightly trying to push the memories back, tucked away, I could feeling my throat contract thickly. The air in my lungs felt heavy, but I swallow back my emotions while focusing on Sanemi for a moment.
How long has he waited for me? He didn't have too.......but he did.......
"Are you alright?" His voice breaks the silence, as my breath hitches from that very question.
Was I okay? Am I just making an excuse to wallow in pain and sadness?
"I'm okay.........."
But I'm not okay.......
Giving him a weak smile I lean back against the headboard, "I just feel really........." my throat tightens, tears building back up threatening to spill. My hands slightly shook in response, and my breath shaky avoiding his eyes, "........thing is, I just don't feel like a person right now. I don't know how exactly to explain it, but I'm--"
Suddenly he pulls me into his arms carefully, and held me tightly with his hand resting against the back of my nape delicately.
"Stop bullshitting me," he grimaces, while seething through his teeth. His grip felt slightly tighter, while my eyes were wide in surprise feeling the tears blur my vision. "You're not okay....and I get what you mean. Losing family, the trauma.........building it up will only make it worse. So just........let me take some of that burden, let me take whatever you have on. I don't fucking care..........I just......."
A small whimper leaves my lips, as tears slide down realising how important he's become to me.
".........I just want you to rely on me, lean on me," He whispers, against the shell of my ear. He pulls away when I felt warm lips rest against my temple. "Just don't..........leave me. I cannot risk losing you too or I will kick your dumb ass........" he lightly chuckles, trying to lift the mood.
What is this feeling I'm experiencing right now?
Why do I feels so secure in his arms?
This urge to hold onto him, and not let go.......
~*~
NEXT DAY
Standing at the door after taking slow steady steps, there I saw Akio laying there still in a coma like state. I couldn't blame the trauma he went through, but I remain angry at myself. Seeing him laying there with one arm resting on his side, I couldn't help but stare at the nub of his left arm where it was ripped off.
"I'm sorry.......Akio," I whisper, clenching my jaw.
Due to blood loss from the attack, a blood bag hung on a hook with a tube trailing down and being transferred into his veins. He needed more than I did, and luckily Shinobu held records of each slayer that comes in. She knew exactly who's blood type needs what, and the right medication that will benefit their wounds or illness'. She deserved far more praise than she lets on, especially without Kanae around.
Feeling a little at ease in my usual yukata and Hakama pants, it put less pressure on my wounds.
~*~
AT THE UBUYASHIKI ESTATE
"Welcome my child......."
My eyes met his soft violet eyes, seeing how his disease has slowly reach just beneath his eyes and the bridge of his nose. Despite the ghastly markings, he always held such a warm and calming expression and aura whenever present. Bowing to him in respect, his wife pats my shoulder with some reassurance.
"No need for formalities right now," She softly spoke, guiding me back to my feet.
In confusion I turn to both Master and Lady Amane, before he gives her a small nod which left me even more perplexed.
"You've experienced a great deal like anyone else has," Master spoke up gently. "The death of Ryuji Mizutsuki hasn't been forgotten or left in vain, as this happens to every generation of slayers. One day his death will be of great significance to the demon slayer corps, where we will avenge every death that pushed us further to the truth than before."
A heavy sigh draws from my breath, "So his funeral has underwent?"
"Yes......I apologise that we continued without your attendance," He bows his head, expressing his condolences. His gestures were always so tender and soft, you can feel at ease with his voice and gestures alone. "Only a few attended, and I myself paid my respects. I'm apologise for the loss of your brother, it must be hard knowing you're left alone......."
That was the honest truth to this all.....
.....because I'm the last of my clan, to be alive.....
Bowing respectfully, "No need to apologise master, this is what we signed up for," I assure him, quietly while lifting my head up slowly.
Soon silence falls between us three only hearing the water fountain outside, pouring down in the small pond with soft trickling sound.
Soon after speaking a little more, lady Amane guides me down the hallway to a seperate building. Crossing the verandah between two buildings joined, I gaze out to the beautiful garden realising how kept it was. Finally we reach a room, as she gestures for me to take a seat while doing so herself at the front of the room.
"You may be confused as to why you're really here," She spoke up, as one of her daughters approaches her with a folded pile of clothing. She whispers a soft thankyou, before turning back to me, "Lord Gyomei has been keeping me updated your well being, even with the Hashira's meetings.......you've been mentioned a few times by Lord Sanemi himself as well....."
"My well being....? Excuse me, I don't understand,"
Her lavender eyes met mine with a mixture of concern, and a maternal expression. Though she doesn't speak as much to others, her face says everything you needed to know. She was even chosen specifically to aid her husband when they were to be married, as I've been told. She deeply cared for master, so why is she bringing me beneath her roof? Wouldn't that overwhelmed her duties, to master?
"You've been trying heal from your past, and training alone....." She spoke up, as my eyes slightly widen. "......your brother denied you to become his Tsukgoku, and even rejected to even step up and teach you the ways of the blade by your families' custom. You've been dealing with his rejection, neglecting your needs, not taking responsibility as the older brother.....though he was only twenty-one.........he was far to immature."
She was right........I've dealt with this for most of my life, and I haven't broken out of it......
Now that my father was still alive, but only a demon and the enemy to the corps....he still remained a big threat to me. He may know I'm either alive or dead, but seeing his eyes put me on the spot that left my body trembling. From his constant abuse when i was just a child, to my own brother slowly becoming him in the end.........I was still naive and afraid of ending up alone and forgotten.....
"So, I want to help guide you in healing......."She clarifies confidently, with a gentle smile gracing her ruby red lips. "I know I cannot replace a parent, and I know it seems I've given you special treatment but it's not that. Lord Gyomei has been telling me that you just need some guidance, and for your wounds to heal. Such as meditation, training your body again, self encouragement, reflection.........."
"Lady Amane, all due respect........I shouldn't burden you," I protest, firmly. "Losing my brother and the mission, and losing all comrades except one may have been traumatic events, thus.......I must deal with my own problems alone."
She is quiet for a moment, as if considering the options before she shook her head.
"Like I said before, I'm only here to guide........not spoon feed you everything," She replies with a worried expression, as her brows tilt up with concern. "Your mother would want you have to have some guidance, and I'm not try to force a parental figure upon you......I just want to help you in anyway I can. Even my husband believes in your abilities, because I know he has good intentions and an excellent intuition when picking his disciples."
But.....I'm not worth being taken of, let alone being shown this much kindness......
Taking a moment to embrace the calm atmosphere surrounding us, with the simple decoration within the room and the extra care its in, it made me less cluttered in the head. Despite feeling conflicted, confused, hesitant to move forward, afraid to make another step, afraid to offend anyone or even do something against the gods. Everything little thing made me feel nauseous, and my anxiousness began to creep back in.
Suddenly a warm hand rests upon mine upon my lap, "My dear Hayami, you've through enough already," She whispers gently, giving my hand a gentle squeeze of comfort. Tears stung the corners of my eyes, feeling this familiar and long forgotten feeling. The maternal care of a woman. "......Allow me to guide you, teach you what you couldn't have been taught as a young woman.........I want to see your full potential....."
A stray tear rolls down as if her voice, and warm words of assurance has crept inside my heart ever since the passing of my own mother.
Lifting my eyes I gave a gentle nod, "I'll try my best......."
She smiles gently, as her thumb runs over my knuckles soothingly.
".......that's it, one step at a time...." she advises gently.
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