Set just before chapter 67:To Feel...
"Joel?" Ava called out whilst crouched down on her hands and knees, rummaging through the kitchen cupboards. It was getting to that time of the month again when all the food in the house had been whittled down to just a slightly precarious looking can of beefaroni- that definitely looked a little bit swollen, a half eaten pack of now most likely stale crackers and one sealed packet of dehydrated eggs. They could rely on eating at the mess hall, yes but she would much rather make home cooked meals and know exactly what her young daughter was consuming. She waited a beat until she heard his hum of acknowledgment from the living room before continuing, "I've gotta run to the market! Cupboards are empty. Can you watch Lily for a bit?- I'll be back in... maybe just over an hour!"
She could hear movement from the room across the entryway. The living room light had been on the blink for the past few days, the subtle flickering had gotten the best of Joel the previous night as he stomped up the stairs cursing beneath his breath before disappearing into the attic in search for a spare bulb- she'd assumed that is what he was busying himself with currently whilst their almost three year old was sat up watching 'Help! I'm a fish' for what felt like the one hundredth time on the television. What was it with kids and them wanting to watch the same damn movies over and over again? She was sure that she could recite the entire script word for word by this point.
"I can't, Ave! M'headin' out myself in about half an hour. Tommy's rota'd me down to help fix up the breach on the west side of the wall."
She huffed, whilst scrambling for items to trade with. Fantastic. "Thought it was your day off?"
"I don't get days off... should know that by now... Besides the— fuck..." A delicate shatter sounded from the room she was calling out to. Clearly he had dropped one of the bulbs...
She stopped what she was doing, placing the few tradable items scrounged onto the table before wandering across the entryway. She wasn't entirely sure why they were both yelling out to one another when they could simply have this conversation in a lower volume whilst in the same room. She was surprised he was even able to hear her over the TV considering how shit his hearing was.
"Ffffack!" A little voice beamed out from the couch.
Great. Ava swanned around the archway, a finger pointed towards her young daughter and a serious expression to her face, "No, Lils. We don't say that word."
The toddlers face pouted whilst pointing her own little digit towards Joel, "Daddy said it."
Joel glanced up from his knelt position on the floorboards, plucking each shard of glass from the floor and placing it into his palm, he was faced with a rather pointed look from his wife, her hands firmly on her hips.
"Okay, new rule." She started with a sigh, "Don't copy your father. He has a potty mouth and is a bad influence."
He slammed his eyes whilst straightening back to his feet, depositing the handful of crushed glass onto the mantle, "Right, I forgot. Only rainbows and fu-" he caught himself, "damn sunshine comes out of Mommy's mouth..."
"Point proven..." Ava mumbled smugly.
"Almost." He snorted with a wink, "Anyway, as I was sayin', they need all the help they can get at the minute- won't take much for infected or raiders to get through as it stands."
"Ah I see. Only a job that Joel Miller and his construction expertise can handle..." She mocked, wandering over to wipe her sleeve across Lily's cheeks that were stained with god knows what.
He offered her an incredulous look, "There's a few of us workin' on it, actually." He paused for a beat, "Could just eat at the mess tonight?"
Ava's brows furrowed with a shake of the head as she turned to face him, "No. Not doing that, not after half the community ended up with the shi-" she glanced back to toddler who was glued back to the television screen and then back to Joel who was sporting a rather smug smirk, "Upset stomachs last week..."
"Alright, well then you're gonna have to take her with you. She can't come with me. Ain't safe for kids." He shrugged.
It wasn't that she didn't want to be around her daughter- it wasn't that at all. She loved that little girl more than life itself. It was just that her previously delightful placid baby had morphed into something of a savage. Terrible two's had been no joke and she was quickly becoming a threenager. Full blown meltdowns had become something of a regular occurrence and they could be triggered by anything. Wrong coloured sippy cup- meltdown. Getting dressed on a morning- scream the house down. Asked for chicken nuggets but meant fish fingers- plate launched across the kitchen. Joel was just better at dealing with it, surprisingly enough to everyone but Tommy, he had more patience for it. Ava just knew the market place was going to be a trigger. It was busy, loud, overwhelming with all sorts of smells - it was just asking for a toddler temper tantrum and she had not had her nap today...
Joel must have been able to see the drop in her expression, "If you go now, I'll come with you for a bit, get her settled. I've gotta go that way anyway."
She nodded, offering a small smile. "Thank you..."
He affectionately squeezed her shoulder as he passed, moving towards Lily and flicking the power button on the television remove, "C'mon kiddo. That's e'nuff screen time."
The toddlers large brown eyes gaped up at him, her bottom lip protruding and beginning to quiver, "Awh but- but..."
"Ah- None of that." His tone soft but still holding enough authority for the child to listen as he lightly flicked her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb, "We're goin' out with Mommy. Where's your shoes?"
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The market was just as she imagined it to be on Saturday at late morning. Busy. For a small town that only homed at this current time around three hundred and fifty people, it currently felt as if every last body was crammed along this street. She walked a step ahead of Joel whilst he followed along behind with Lily in him arms.
Ava reached across one of the stands, her hands reaching into one of the crates and pulling out something that resembled the very infected they spent their lives avoiding. She looked it over, checking for any signs of damage and rot before rummaging away through her tote bag of tradable items.
"I ain't eatin' that..."
As it turns out, he was just as much of a pain in the ass to drag around for the monthly shop as the toddler. She paid no mind as she pulled out an old book that she had completed reading, "Yes, you will."
"I don't eat mushrooms."
"Yes, you do."
"I ain't touched the things since outbreak."
Ava let out an exasperated sigh. That's what he thinks. She offered the lady behind the stand a tight smile as she tapped the book before then gesturing to the mushroom in her hand and motioning for a few potatoes, "It's a Portobello, Joel."
"I know what it is and-"
"-and I cook with them all of the time."
The lady offered her a nod as she accepted the book as payment and handed Ava four potatoes. The blonde stuffed them into the bag before offering her husband an incredulous glance, "You've seriously been avoiding mushrooms for the past twenty odd years?"
Joel adjusted his hold on Lily, giving a slightly bashful shrug, "Can never be too careful."
The disbelieving smirk only grew across her cheeks, "You do realise that these," she waved the mushroom beneath his chin, "Didn't cause the infection, right? It was in flour or something like that."
"Yes. I know that, Ave. I ain't that thick..." He snipped, "just don't like the look of 'em these days...s'all."
Ava grinned, booping Lily on the nose playfully, "Who would have thought, huh? Your Daddy, out of all the scary things in this world, has a phobia of mushrooms."
Lily giggled in response.
"It ain't no phobia, jesus. I just don't like the look of 'em. Clearly I've had to witness more clickers in my time than you have..."
His defensiveness over the matter only made it more amusing. She planted a quick kiss to Lily's forehead before nipping her fingers at Joel's cheeks in a antagonising manner, "It's okay, baby. I'll slice them up real small so you can't see them."
He tightened his hold on Lily, hoisting her higher onto his hip all whilst discreetly flipping his beloved wife the middle finger, "You're insufferable."
He traipsed alongside her, toddler in arms for a little while longer before deciding it was time for him to make his way over to the wall.
"Right Lil, be good for ya mama please." He placed the child onto her feet, twirling her around to face him as he crouched to her level, "No wanderin' off. Got it?"
Lily gave him an understanding nod before toddling off towards her mother.
He straightened back to his full height, musing the toddlers untamed curls on his way up. Joel reached over, placing a gentle touch to Ava's arm and grabbing her attention, "I gotta head off. She seems happy enough n' I've told her to be good n' stay close."
"Thank you."
"I'll be home in time for dinner." He tugged her in close to plant a quick kiss to her temple before releasing and moving away in the direction towards the breached part of the wall. He momentarily glanced back over his shoulder, "Oh, can you keep an eye out for a new light bulb whilst you're here?"
"What type?"
"Halogen A19. It's a pretty standard size- just ask n' they'll tell you if there is any. If there ain't any, I'll try and find some next time we do a run."
Halo-what? She just nodded and agreed. Ava was about to push forward before realising that they hadn't actually agreed what dinner was for the evening. She called back out to him as he walked away, "What do you want for dinner?"
Joel shrugged as he turned to face her, still backing his way out from the markets crowd, "Let Lils choose."
She glanced down to the tot who was already pawing at her jean clad legs, little arms stretching out with fists clenching and unclenching: she wanted to be picked up - of course she did. "You're going to have to walk, sweetie. Mommy's arms are full."
The toddlers lip began to quiver. There was a five second window here. Five seconds to distract her before she began to scream the place down to the ground. She needed to think fast, "Lolly-Pop, Daddy said you can pick what's for dinner tonight. What do you want?"
The trembling lip ceased - crisis averted. "Chicky nuggies!"
Even after the damn apocalypse, chicken friggin nuggets were still the number one meal choice for children across the country. Only now they weren't freeze packed and readily available... No, now she'd have to dice and bread the chicken herself... "Right, c'mon then."
"Where we going?"
"To get some chicken for your nuggets. Hold my hand, please."
The meat stall wasn't much further down the street and with her hand gently clasped around the toddlers, Ava ambled on down all whilst praying to the lords above that there was in fact chicken available today: there was, thank the heavens.
She released Lily from her grasps whilst she picked the plumpest looking chicken out of the three currently available (that would sort a few meals out throughout the month if she froze parts down) and began to barter. Another book and a box of matches later and the chicken had been secured- bargain. Ava swivelled her head to keep an eye on her daughter as the man behind the stall bagged up the already plucked carcass.
The small child had steadied herself onto a upturned crate with her palms and face pressed up against the glass that separated her from the seafood.
She couldn't help but lightly chuckle to herself, "What you doing, baby?"
Lily pried her face away from the transparent partition, big brown eyes blinking towards her mother for if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Fishy."
"Uh-huh. Yes, those are fish."
"Momma, can I have?" Her face once against squished against the glass.
Ava sighed, "I thought you wanted chicken nuggets?"
"B-b-but, fishy..." Oh boy, the bottom lip was trembling already...
She sucked in a composing breath as she eyed up the particular section of fish on the display that had caught the almost three year olds eye; a selection of freshly caught walleye, already gutted and ready to go. For herself and Joel- absolutely, a much more satisfying meal than bloody chicken nuggets however, she wasn't entirely certain that it would be a hit with her toddler... "Hon, I really don't think you'll like that type of fish..."
Wrong thing to say... Wrong thing to say! Lily's little face crumpled, crocodile tears at the ready as she began to cry out.
"Lily, please..." Ava tried to placate with little to no avail as the small child began to screech, cheeks turning ruddy and her stumpy legs beginning to stomp on the crate that she stood on.
"FISHY! I WANT MY FISHY!"
And another deep calming breath was taken as the exasperated mother muttered beneath her breath whilst accepting the now bagged up carrier of chicken, "Jesus fucking Christ..."
She glanced up to the skies, perhaps the lord would have some mercy on her if she prayed- it seemed more than futile as her daughters deranged screams only heightened in volume and ferocity. She watched a movie once... what was it again? Ah, yes: Gremlins. That was her daughter; so sweet and adorable in one breath but then the literal spawn of satan in the next... oh how she couldn't wait for this phase to be over...
The tantrum showed no signs of mellowing and Ava found her self with little to no desire to wait it out any further nor argue with her, not with so many prying and slightly judgemental eyes on them from within the crowd and so she caved between a tight smile and gritted teeth, "Fine."
"I'll add that one in for free..." The man behind the stall all but squeaked out with a small grimace-like smile to his face as he reached across the display of fish with his tongs.
She softened at the gesture, even if she was almost certain that it was only made to get them both moving along... An out of control screaming toddler wasn't exactly good for business... "Thank you..."
The man eyed the toddler up whilst handing Ava over a brown paper bag that contained the singular fish, "She's a feisty little thing, ain't she?"
Ava raised her brows whilst bobbing her head in agreement- that was one way of putting it... "Mhmm, she's sure been blessed with her fathers temper..."
She didn't need to mention his name. Head of patrol and notorious for his say-it-as-it-is no bullshit personality, Joel needed no introduction around here. Not only that, the kid in her eyes was a copy and paste of him; it was as clear as day to everyone that Lily was his daughter.
The man behind the stand, who's name she still couldn't remember chuckled lightly, "Well, Imma say it's a good thing. Kids today need a bit of fire in them if they stand a chance at surviving this world..."
She hummed her agreement. He wasn't wrong at all... There wasn't much room left for softness and delicacy in the world anymore. If Lily were to stand any sort of good chance- and she would, because her and Joel would ensure it- She'd need to have an edge to her... She'd need to be like Ellie...
"Thank you... again. We'll get out of your hair now..." She paused for a beat, reaching her hand out for her daughter who's tears and screams had miraculously stopped, "Lily, c'mon. Hand please."
All dry eyed and smiles, the small curly haired child caught up to her mother but didn't immediately grasp for her out stretched palm, "Mommy, can I hold fishy? P-uh-lease?"
Was it worth the hassle if she said no? It absolutely wasn't. They were on the home stretch... just the vegetable cart to go, if holding the goddamn fish kept her quiet then so be it. She handed the paper carrier down for Lily to grasp into her arms, "You can help Mommy and hold it but Lily... Lily, look and listen please." She paused and waited until the little girls eyes were back on her, "Do not take the fish out of the bag. Fish stays in the bag. Understand?"
Lily nodded although her next words had Ava doubting if anything she had just said sunk in at all. The toddler giggled, "I gon' call him fugly."
She shook her head. Fugly? It only took her a second to realise where on earth she had gotten that from. The manky stray tabby cat that frequents around Tommy's... he'd called it fugly because in his words the little creature was 'fuckin' ugly'. Goddamit Tommy.
So tonight's dinner had been named Fugly, Fugly absolutely did not stay in the paper bag as instructed and it all went very, very downhill from there...
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Fixing up the wall had taken up the majority of his afternoon. Day off, his ass. There really was no rest for the wicked but at least it was done and they were once again protected from the risk of raiders and infected for another day.
Joel glanced up to the sky as he took a leisurely pace back towards the house. The overcast blanket of grey had dissipated over the afternoon and left behind a clear void of blue in its place, it was nice to feel the heat of the sun on his skin alongside a late afternoon breeze- especially as they approached summer. He studied the position of the sun in the sky, how it casted a warm golden hue over the towns buildings. It was hard to tell the exact time without his watch- something he'd cursed himself over as he reached the wall earlier that day (but did anyone truly know the exact time these days? It seemed that they just ran on Jackson's time- whatever that was) but at a guess he'd say it was around six in the evening.
He reached the front porch, remembering to pull his boots off outside for a change- Ava had only had to nag at him about a thousand times for it to actually sink in and even still he sometimes forgot and would be faced with an ear full. He paired them up, leaving them placed on the wire brush mat before entering through the front door. He had expected to be hit with the smell of dinner being prepared; a little luxury that he had perhaps started taking for granted if he was being honest with himself. Never before had he experienced dinner on the table ready after a long day at work, even before outbreak. It was just a little something that Ava would try and do for him if she wasn't working a shift at the kitchens or in the shop. She hadn't gone back on patrol nor watch after the spring of 2025; he hadn't wanted her too either, preferring her to remain inside the safety net of Jackson where she was out of harms way. She might nag and be as stubborn as hell but she was a pretty damn good wife with all things considered, he thought so anyway.
Needless to say he was a little disappointed when the aroma of his home smelt bland, especially since she'd asked him what he wanted for dinner which was an indication to him that she intended of having something cooked up for when he was back.
Joel tried to not let it show on his expression as he rounded into the kitchen, slinging his sack of tools onto the table before approaching Ava.
She was in the kitchen and some veg had been peeled and sliced up but it seemed as if that was as far as she had gotten. She had been staring out the window that sat above the countertops giving a view of the back yard when he walked in. She'd turned around since, back leant against the work top and arms folded across her chest- a clearly agitated look within her eye.
He approached with some caution, caging her in with his arms before ducking down and stealing a quick kiss from her lips; that had gotten an almost smile out of her. Joel glanced back at the half-chopped carrots and then refocused on her, "What's happenin' with food? You forget somethin' at the market?"
Ava sucked in a deep breath, "Dinner is currently in the back yard with Lily..."
Joel's brows drew together in some sort of confusion, "What?"
She repeated herself, enunciating each word carefully before drawing her lips into a tight line. His facial expression didn't alter, still having no idea what she was chatting about nor why Lily was in the back yard with dinner- what did that even mean? "I assumed as much that she'd ask for chicken nuggets but shit, Ave. They give you a live fuckin' chicken or somethin'?"
"Uh-nope... It was meant to be fish for dinner tonight, actually." Ava nodded her head back towards the window, motioning for him to take a look for himself.
He did as much, narrowing his eyes as he scanned the back yard. It only took a second for him to spot it, his daughter crouched down in front of what used to be Ellie's shed with- was that a fucking whole dead fish she was hugging to her chest? "Jesus Christ..."
It was then when an exasperated giggle escaped from his wife. He still had her caged in against the counter when she allowed her head to roll forward against his shoulder, "She asked for fish at the market... wanted to be the one to carry it home."
She paused for a beat, an almost bemused expression as she glanced back up at him, "I can't get it off of her... I put the stove on and she fucking ran out the back. Every time I go out there, she hides behind the shed so I can't reach her and she screams... and Joel, I mean she really screams."
"Let me try."
Lily was hard work, there was no getting away from it. Joel had always been told that the first child was easy and any children after that progressively got worse... Sarah was easy- she was a goddamn angel as a kid. Apparently there was no loop hole with this, even if both kids had different mothers... and technically Lily would have been Ava's second counting the short time they had with Sam, which meant Lily was his third... or fourth, if he brought Ellie into the mix... Jesus, five years ago he had one kid to his name- how the fuck did he now end up with four??
He pushed himself away from Ava, yanking open the back door and strode out into the yard. She was like a wild animal with the way her big brown eyes snapped up to him, her little legs all but scrambled behind the shed, wedging herself in between the wall and the perimeter fence; fish still firmly hugged within her arms.
"Lily, c'mon. Out from there." He tried, softly at first as he leant against the shed. The gap was small, there was no way any adult was fitting through to grab the youngster. A mental note made to block it off so she couldn't get round there in future.
There were grumbles of protest but no signs of movement. Joel glanced back towards the house, Ava stood in the doorway with hands on hips as she shrugged. He sighed, his voice raising to a slightly more authoritative tone, "Out. Now. I ain't playin'."
"No."
"Don't make me count, Lil."
"I don't wanna." Lily continued to grizzle from behind the wall.
"One... Two- if I get to three, you're goin' to bed hungry and early- two and a half..."
Finally. Movement. The rather sad looking, squeezed to death fish remained locked in her arms as she peered out from her hiding spot, her bottom lip protruding and wobbling with eyes glossing over.
"C'mere." Joel pointed his finger over towards his feet and the toddler very gingerly shuffled over. "Good girl, now hand me the fish."
Lily's lips quivered that little bit more as her mouth fell to a downward curve, "b-b-but Fugly's my friend..."
Fugly? What the- it doesn't matter. He shook his head, extending his hand out, "It ain't your friend, kiddo. It's food. Hand it over."
"No!" She was bloody quick, he'd give her that. Lily shot round, her little legs moving as quickly as they could back towards the gap behind the shed.
Joel muttered a curse beneath his breath before intercepting her route, using his body to block the gap off before she got there. The tiny terror stopped in front of him, all riled up and ready to fight as she bundled poor Fugly into one arm and began smacking at his knees.
"Don't hit me." He warned.
Then it came, the ear splitting scream that Ava had pre-warned him about. It was a good job that he was already half deaf, he was convinced the octave of her screech would have burst his ear drums otherwise.
She was vehement, incandescent and full of untameable rage. Her plushy cheeks glowing vermillion red in colour. He'd never question this streak in her, he recognised it all to easily as his own. A trait he wanted her to be able to control for when she was older. He bent down, grabbing the toddler by her waist and threw her over his shoulder, fish and all.
She continued to scream, cry and kick as he carried her into the house. He walked straight past Ava without another word, heading straight into the living room and kicking the door shut behind him.
He waited until her shrieks had died down to whimpers, until she had tired herself out, "I'm gonna put you down now and I'm gonna talk to you like a big girl. Got it?"
He could feel her head nod against his shoulder as he carefully lowered the child to the floor. Joel remained in front of her, crouching down to her level with both his hands on her shoulders- just in case she did make an attempt at running off.
"First off, you don't ever hit me or ya Mom and you can cut the screamin' out as well. It ain't nice, Lil. I don't want to see or hear you doin' that again, understand?"
Lily nodded, tears still rolling down her cheeks as she did.
"I wanna hear you say it, kiddo. Repeat it."
She sniffled. "I-I-I don't hit or sh-shout at M-Mommy or Daddy."
Joel softened, one palm coming up to cup the side of her face whilst using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears that continued to quietly fall.
"M-Mommy w-wants to eat Fugly b-but he's my friend." Lily began to explain.
He sighed, "No, baby. Charley, Olivia - they're your friends."... and cousins, but he wasn't about to waste his breath trying to make her understand that, it was irrelevant for this conversation. He tapped the head of the fish with his finger, "That's a fish, n' a dead one too..."
"Dead?" She squeaked.
Okay. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to an almost three year old but fuck it, she was going to have to get used to death in this world. Might as well start her off early and the death of an already dead fish will always be easier than well... anything else... He kept his voice gentle, "Yeah."
Joel pointed towards the television to reference her current favourite movie, "Fish need water to live, don't they? You know that."
Lily glanced solemnly down towards Fugly and nodded.
"and there ain't no water here, is there?"
She shook her head, bottom lip still protruding.
He held his palm out once more and raised his brows whilst meeting the toddlers anguished gaze, "So please can I have the fish?"
Lily was still hesitant in handing it over as she looked between the very dead and slightly squashed fish tucked in her arms and her father.
Joel kept his hand open. He was so nearly there with her but it was time to bring out the big guns and make a proposition that he already knew his daughter wouldn't refuse- but would hopefully forget, "Okay, how 'bout this..."
He paused, waiting for her to show that she was listening, "You let me have that one n' if you're well behaved until your birthday, I'll find you a pet fish... an alive one. How does that sound?"
Just as he expected the negotiation panned out well, the squished Walleye promptly dropped all warm and unpleasant into the heart of his palm, "Thank you. Now go n' say sorry to Mommy for bein' a pain in the ass."
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He waited a minute, giving Lily the chance to make her apology without him stepping in. It was important that she did that herself- a learning opportunity. Joel could hear them both quietly talking in the kitchen before the toddler wandered back into the living room.
He stepped out, moving back into the kitchen where his wife stood waiting with that same bemused grin on her face. He flopped the fish carcass down onto the counter before shifting over to the basin to wash his hands.
"Is it still edible?" Ava asked whilst inspecting her missing ingredient with just her eyes.
Joel shrugged with a snort, "Guess we'll find out. T's a bit flat but should be alright..."
The blonde folded her arms with an arched brow, "Pet fish, huh?"
"Only way she was gonna give it up without a physical fight- I draw a line at fightin' toddlers." He turned around to face her with a jesting grin, "They gotta be at least five for that."
"You know she's gonna hold you to that promise, right?"
"I didn't say it was a promise..."
"Joel."
He waved his hand dismissively, "Eh. She'll forget about it by then. Said she had to wait 'til her birthday."
Joel paused for a beat whilst using the old kitchen cloth to dry his hands before briefly resting them on Ava's hips as he squeezed past her, planting a peck to the top of her head, "Anyway, you get crackin' with dinner. My next task is getting Lils in the bath. She smells like a goddamn trawler."
"Mmm. Better you than me. Good luck." She taunted whilst turning her attention back to her food preparations.
Lily never did forget about her fathers proposition....
He called back as he reached the bottom of the stair case, "Oh n' Ave?"
"Mhmm."
"I'm binnin' that fuckin' fish movie. Whatever you do, don't let her watch Bambi."
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A/N: This was a bit of fun to write 😂 Just Ava and Joel trying to navigate through parenthood with Lily being an absolute menace.