𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗘𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧
february 2019
FEBRUARY 2019
8:40 PM
"I'M SO SO SORRY,"
Matilda hastily apologised as her body collided with another after an attempt to leave the room. Her eyes immediately fixated on the man's white wife beater, now marred by the brown liquid that had spilled from his solo cup. Her heart raced as a wave of nervousness washed over her at the angered expression on his face as he examined the damage.
"Watch wher' ya fucking going," Barry muttered, his eyes lifting to meet the gaze of the blonde-haired girl. She stared back at him, her face contorted with guilt, her rosy red cheeks betraying a mix of embarrassment and guilt. His confusion was evident as his eyes scanned her figure; the braided hair cascading to one side, the purple dress that seemed more fitting for a bloody picnic than a house party.
"Uh, I'm sorry again."
"Y'all remind me of a Disney princess," he finally remarked, chuckling to himself as she delicately tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Like that Rapunzel chick, yeah?," he continued, flashing a wide smile at her shy grin, revealing two golden teeth amidst the crooked ones.
"You watch Disney movies?" she asked quietly, her knitted eyebrows betraying her almost disbelief.
Her words seemed to ignite a need within him to defend his masculinity. "What's it to ya?" he snapped back, tossing the red cup onto the ground, though it made no more mess than what already littered their surroundings.
"I was just asking, I didn't mean anything by it," she said in a soft tone, her eyes nervously dating behind him. Matilda had little to no people skills, clearly indicated by his anger at her words. She didn't even know why she had said it like that.
The softness in her tone possessed an innocence that Barry was unaccustomed to witnessing in anyone, causing him to slightly ease his hostility. She didn't appear to pose much of a threat. "After a couple of beers and a whole lot of yaya, they pretty funny," he told her.
Matilda laughed softly in response, relieved that he wasn't going to continue yelling at her. Unaware of the drug reference, she simply nodded along.
"Nah, fuck man! Hey Declan I see you ya shit head get your ass back here," Barry abruptly called out, causing the girl to flinch slightly. "See ya, Rapunzel," he quickly dismissed her, storming off into the crowd.
Matilda gazed after the older boy in utter bewilderment, completely uncertain of what had just occurred. It was the strangest encounter she had ever experienced at one of these parties, which said a lot considering her the company she kept.
One thing about Rafe Cameron, was his eyes always gravitated towards Matilda Shoupe. They could be in a room full of people, and his eyes would always find her; just like they had in that very moment. It was like an invisible force guided his sight towards her.
As he observed her engaging in conversation with Barry, a slight tension clenched his jaw, a testament to his protective instincts. From their very first encounter, Matilda exuded an innocence that captivated Rafe, igniting within him an innate desire to shield her from harm. This desire only grew stronger as time passed and their bond became unbreakable.
Without hesitation, Rafe excused himself from JV football mates, casting them a dismissive middle finger and muttering a "Fuck off" as they chuckled loudly at his expense, having quickly discovered the object of his unwavering attention. The whole team, Rafe included, were notorious for their womanising tendencies, never keeping the same girl around for longer than a few months. However, when it came to Matilda, Rafe was different. Hence why, his teammates mocked him for chasing after a girl, especially one who was a sophomore.
Approaching her from behind, Rafe's larger hand gently rested on Matilda's shoulder, prompting her to swiftly turn and face him. A radiant smile effortlessly graced her lips, mirroring the joy that flooded his own expression. His favourite part was witnessing the sparkle in her eyes as they met his gaze, just as they always did. She looked at him as if he were an angel, and though Rafe knew he was far from angelic, she granted him the smallest glimmer of hope that he could be, or at least it felt that way. "Hey," he greeted, effortlessly flashing her a warm smile. "You made it. Did you come alone?" he inquired, leaning down to her level, ensuring their conversation remained undisturbed by the loud surroundings filled with music and boisterous teenagers.
As her gaze locked with Rafe's, all traces of nervousness vanished effortlessly, replaced by a sense of ease as her smile softened. "Uh no, Sarah and Charlie came. Charlie is just talking to Kie and Sarah had to go find Blake," she informed him.
"Does Charlie like Kie? They're always running off together," Rafe joked. "Who were you talking to just now?" he inquired, already knowing the answer but curious to see her reaction.
Matilda brushed off the first part of his question, confident that there was nothing between Charlie and Kiara. "Uh, I don't know? he kinda just started talking to me, i spilt a drink on him," she replied softly, her eyes meeting his. Her eyes scanned his face, trying to decipher the emotions playing across it, but she couldn't pinpoint it.
"He's from The Cut, Tilly. You know how they are. Don't talk to them," Rafe cautioned. He didn't want her anywhere near the Pogues.
Matilda nodded in agreement, edging closer to him as someone pushed past her. His hand automatically reached out to steady her, his touch reassuring as he noticed the hint of unease in her expression. Matilda didn't personally know anyone from The Cut; she had only heard stories about them. However, Kiara seemed to hold a different perspective on them compared to Rafe, often speaking fondly of her old friends. Yet, somehow Rafe's opinion seemed to stick more.
"You look really pretty," Rafe uttered, a soft, sincere smile gracing his lips as she attempted to change the conversation from the Pogues.
Her cheeks flushed crimson at his compliment, her teeth gently biting down on her bottom lip. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice barely audible. Matilda always found herself at a loss for words when he praised her, her bashfulness evident in her demeanor.
FEBRUARY 2019
9:15 PM
It's one thing that seemed to confuse everyone, even Matilda, and it used to confuse Rafe himself too, but Rafe always chose to stay by her side at parties or within eye distance and even held himself back from going overboard around her. Admittedly, there were moments when Rafe would become too rowdy, and Matilda would find herself taking care of him, but it was always due to alcohol and nothing else. And he believed she didn't mind his drunken antics, as she would always be there to pick him up or take care of him when he stumbled onto her balcony at ungodly hours. Rafe would always make time for her, even bringing her along to hang out with his mates, although he tried to avoid it whenever possible. Some of them looked at her in a way that unsettled him, hence his current edge.
Rafe couldn't help but fixate on the way Tyler's hand lingered on Matilda's lower back as he offered her a drink. His eyes narrowed to slits as he brought his own cup to his lips, downing the contents. A deep-seated disdain brewing within him as he observed Tyler's actions, fully aware of his intentions after just breaking up with his long term girlfriend. It had only been half an hour since he brought Matilda over and Tyler had the nerve to pull this shit right in front of him, knowing the consequences.
"You sure you don't want it?" Tyler questioned as he peered down at the blonde girl, keeping his hand on her waist.
"I'm fine, thanks," Matilda responded with a soft smile. Matilda liked Rafe's friends, they were nice enough, and Rafe seemed to like them and that was really all that mattered. Matilda considered Tyler to be friendly and kind, even though he occasionally made inappropriate jokes that were similar to Rafe's, but coming from him, it felt different and made her uneasy.
"Hey man, fill me up," Rafe interjected with a fake smile as he walked over with the intent to interrupt the conversation. His gaze shifted towards Matilda, noticing her rubbing her arms. "Are you cold? We can go get my jacket from the car, alright?" he suggested, subtly planting the idea in her mind. He wanted an excuse to separate her from Tyler, and she readily agreed, quickly dismissing Tyler, which gave Rafe a sense of pride.
As they walked away, Rafe's hand moved to her lower back, where Tyler's hand had previously been. He cast a stern glance over his shoulder at Tyler, who scoffed in response.
Matilda looked up at Rafe, a smile gracing her lips, as he intertwined their fingers and guided her through the bustling crowd. He didn't want her to be pulled away from him amidst the chaos surrounding them, and that brought her a sense of comfort.
As they stepped outside into the chilly February air, Rafe couldn't help but express his concern for Matilda's well-being. His voice carried a hint of worry as he rummaged through the backseat of his range rover, searching for his jacket. "I don't know why you're wearing a dress when it's cold and you know you're probably going to get sick because you feel the cold way more than the rest of us," he complained, although his tone was filled with genuine care.
Matilda crossed her arms, attempting to shield herself from the biting cold that seemed to intensify with each passing moment. "Well everyone else is wearing a lot less," she defended.
Matilda had initially worn a cardigan, Sarah had insisted that she remove it, practically stripping it off her before Charlie picked them up. Sarah was going through a phase of wanting to fit in with the other girls, dragging Matilda along with her, exacerbating her existing insecurities. And those insecurities had only increased over the night after she had heard a one-sided conversation between Rafe and Camilla Harrison. Now, she felt like a burden to Rafe, someone he had to babysit and apparently dress too. She couldn't help but feel like he had only invited her out of kindness or obligation. She wasn't the type of girl Rafe should hang out with unlike Camilla.
"That's everyone else, not you," Rafe replied, his jacket now in hand as he closed the car door. "You don't have to change to fit in, you know that right?" He locked eyes with her, waiting for a response.
Matilda briefly avoided his gaze, her eyes fixated on the faint traces of condensation on the gravel beneath her pristine white converse. She despised how easily Rafe could decipher her thoughts, knowing more about her than she did herself. "Isn't that what you do?" she questioned, her voice filled with vulnerability.
Her intention wasn't to criticise him, and Rafe understood that. He merely put on a facade for the rest of the world, but he wasn't like her. He yearned for validation from almost anyone. "People like you exactly how you are," he emphasised, draping his varsity jacket around her shoulders while keeping his hands gently resting on her.
A smile graced Matilda's lips as she held the jacket closer to her body, relishing in the warmth it provided and the familiar scent that enveloped her. "I think it's just you," she murmured, leaning against the side of the car, her legs weakened from her earlier physical education class.
"What? Am I not enough?" he playfully teased, positioning himself in front of her to observe her closely, a habit he enjoyed, always trying to decipher her emotions through her expressions. He was actually good at it when it came to Matilda.
"You are!" she responded swiftly, without a moment's hesitation or doubt. "It's just people like Cami–"
"Cami doesn't know shit," Rafe scoffed, "She's just a jealous bitch. She wishes she could be you," he added, his last sentence delivered with a light-hearted tone, though it carried a weight of truth.
"She wants to be like me?" Matilda questioned incredulously. It was hard for her to fathom that someone like Cami, who seemed so confident and self-assured, would want to be anyone else.
"Fuck yes. Hell I want to be like you," he confessed. Rafe truly meant it; he was the complete opposite of her. Matilda was warm, gentle, and compassionate in every way. She was the type of person who would assist an elderly lady with her groceries, and she had undoubtedly done so. Rafe probably wouldn't have even noticed the elderly lady struggling. That was what he admired about her; she embodied everything he was not, and it made him want to do better— he just wasn't very good at better. But, it made him happy that someone like Matilda could love someone like him. She was simply good.
"That's ridiculous," Matilda laughed softly, shaking her head. In her eyes, he was the superior one. He was funny, outgoing, and could charm anyone he met. She always felt like she was the one who needed to catch up to him, not the other way around. While Rafe had always been her personal cheerleader, constantly trying to boost her self-esteem and prevent her from feeling inadequate compared to others, sometimes she wondered if he only did so out of obligation. "You're perfect just the way you are," she coughed slightly, feeling a tinge of embarrassment as the words spilled out.
He actively chose to ignore the way she said he was perfect. "So are you," Rafe assured her, gazing down at her with sincerity, a rare sentiment coming from the same boy who frequently uttered insincere words to other girls.
She could smell the alcohol on his breath as he bent down, positioning her in between himself and the car, his forearm casually resting on the car's roof. Tilting her head back slightly to meet his gaze, she couldn't help but notice their significant height difference. "How much have you had to drink? Because last time–"
"Barely anything," Rafe interrupted with a smirk, using his spare hand to toy with a loose strand of hair from her braid. "I've had like three, completely sound of mind. Want me to walk in a straight line for you?" he teased. It was more of the weed affecting him, but she seemed oblivious to that fact, which he was grateful for.
"Wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself."
"Oooh, shots fired," he chuckled. He loved her little comebacks, something she had undoubtedly picked up from him over the years.
As she joined in his laughter, her amusement faded when Rafe leaned in, his forehead gently touching hers. A chill ran down her spine as the cold tip of his nose brushed against her own, causing her laughter to fade into a whisper. "Rafe," she murmured cautiously, her voice tinged with worry. Deep down, she still harbored suspicions that he had been drinking excessively, just like the last time when she had to put him to bed after he tried to kiss her in a drunken haze.
The way she breathed out his name, coupled with the gentle touch of her hand against his chest, sent him spiralling into a whirlwind of emotions. It was a moment he had yearned for, a desire that had lingered within him for far too long. His lips delicately brushed against her ruby red ones, a hint of hesitation lingering in the air. But within milliseconds, that hesitation vanished as he cupped her jaw, his heart racing at the sensation of her fingers clutching the fabric of his shirt. In that fleeting moment, he felt invincible, as if he were on top of the world as he swore her lips moved against his. However, that euphoria was short-lived, as suddenly, he found himself falling.
Matilda felt as though the very air had been sucked out of her lungs when his lips connected with hers. Doubts and uncertainties flooded her mind, prompting her to gently push against his chest, urging him to withdraw his soft, warm lips. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as she gazed at her best friend, the same person she had foolishly pined over for the past two years. Yet, she was the one jeopardising it all. The thought of losing him, of becoming just another casualty in Rafe's path, weighed heavily on her. She even considered Charlie, knowing that he would be hurt by this situation. In that moment, for once in her life, she didn't prioritise how Rafe would feel and would soon regret it.
Without a word spoken, Rafe interpreted her actions as rejection and did what he always did best—shrugged it off. "You're right, I think I've had too much," he stated, stepping back from his position against the car and now standing before her, severing any physical connection they had.
Matilda had no right to feel disappointed, considering she was the one who pushed him away. Yet, she couldn't help but feel a pang of regret as she nodded slowly, a frown etched on her lips. "It's... it's alright. I'm going to find Charlie," she whispered, her gaze now fixated on the ground beneath her.
"Yeah, sure."
As Matilda reached for the jacket draped over her shoulders, instinctively preparing to return it to him, Rafe interrupted her.
"Keep it," his tone sharper than intended, causing her to momentarily hesitate, thinking he was upset with her.
An uncomfortable silence hung in the air. Rafe, who would normally embrace her before parting ways, refused to touch her as if he were punishing her for the rejection. All she could manage was a quiet expression of gratitude for letting her keep the jacket before walking away, feeling disheartened by her own actions.
Watching her retreat, Rafe's ego stung, his nails digging into his palms, leaving crescent-shaped imprints in their wake. Though she glanced back at him briefly, a part of him wished she would turn around and come back to him.
FEBRUARY 2019
9:35 PM
Matilda was in a state of utter panic, her mind racing and her thoughts spiralling out of control. She felt utterly confused and overwhelmed, desperately needing someone to turn to for support. The one person she always sought solace from was the very same person she had just walked away from. She knew she had to find Charlie, he was the only other person that had crossed her mind. She wasted no time finding him, he was always in the same spot at Kelce's house.
As she made her way through the house, pushing past people and disregarding the curious glances and hushed whispers about the jacket she clung onto, Matilda's anxiety grew. Her fingers tightly gripped the fabric, a subconscious attempt to shield herself from the judgmental gazes.
Charlie looked up from his position on the couch as the laughter of the other boys faded into silence upon noticing the unexpected presence of a female. Concern etched across his face as his eyes landed on Matilda, who appeared dishevelled and overwhelmed, swallowed by the oversized jacket he recognized all too well. "Tills?" he called out, removing the cigarette from his lips as his body moved out of its incline instinctively.
"Can we... talk?" Matilda asked hesitantly, her eyes darting nervously around the group of guys surrounding them.
Confusion flickered in Charlie's eyes, but he nodded nonetheless. He rose from the couch, extinguishing his cigarette in the ashtray, aware of Matilda's aversion to smoking. Some of the boys whistled out of habit as he approached her, enveloping her in a comforting embrace. Leading her away from the crowd, he guided her to a less crowded area in the backyard. "What's going on?" he inquired, his concern evident in his voice.
"Rafe."
Charlie's brows furrowed. "What about him?" he pressed, pulling her gently to sit beside him on the garden ledge, his arm wrapped around her in a comforting gesture. The concern etched on his face seemed to deepen, if that were even possible.
"He kissed me," Matilda blurted out, not intending to reveal it so abruptly. She had wanted to ease into the conversation, but the pressure got the best of her.
"Oh," Charlie responded half-heartedly, his gaze shifting to the patio as his grip on her loosened unconsciously.
Matilda looked at him sympathetically, her eyes scanning his features. She had pondered over it for a while, feeling that her suspicions were true. She didn't want to upset Charlie by asking. Yet, here she was, confessing about the kiss with Rafe. It felt almost selfish. "Charlie... do you... like Rafe?" she whispered so softly that it could have been missed, but he heard her.
Charlie couldn't feign ignorance, clearly understanding the context of her question— or maybe he was tired of pretending. But, he knew his hesitation and silence revealed his true feelings. He felt shame for liking Rafe in a way different from Matilda or Kiara. They were the ones who should have liked. He liked Rafe, and every part of him felt tainted by it. He had prepared himself for her judgement, expecting a disgusted look on her face. However, as he turned to look at her, he was taken aback by her expression. Matilda gazed at Charlie with such affection that it pained him.
Her fingers reached out, resting on his thigh as she noticed tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it if you aren't ready. But, I'll always be here if you want to."
"Um... do you have feelings for Rafe?" he hesitantly inquired. He already knew the answer.
Matilda exhaled a breath that carried a hint of amusement, her gaze shifting to her hand upon his thigh. Just as his silence moments ago, it held the answer to his inquiry.
"He likes you, you know."
"Did he tell you that?"
"He doesn't have to. It's pretty obvious to everyone but you," Charlie confirmed. He had tormented himself with the fact for far too long. Witnessing Rafe's tender gestures and radiant smiles directed solely at her, it had been a constant source of anguish. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" he playfully prodded, setting aside his own feelings for Rafe. He clung to her every word as she recounted the lead up to the kiss, experiencing moments of envy but also genuine happiness... for her.
"It's Rafe. He isn't exactly great at keeping relationships."
"He also doesn't give them a quarter of the attention he gives you. I don't think he cares less about any of them or wants to even put effort into them but he has with you. He always does it with you, you know?" Charlie disclosed.
Rafe was strangely obsessed with the girl, and sometimes it seemed excessive to Charlie. Like when they first became friends, Rafe attempted to intimidate him and even issued threats at one point.
As she listened to Charlie's words, a sense of unease still lingered within her. The thought of altering their relationship dynamic made her anxious. Fiddling with the heart pendant on her bracelet, a gift from Rafe, she whispered softly, "What if things change between us? I don't want to risk losing him over something temporary."
"Would it be temporary for you?"
"No..." she trailed off, her voice filled with uncertainty. It would be everything to her. "It's just that he's going to college this year. What if he finds someone better and never comes back?"
Charlie chuckled, dismissing her concerns. "Sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses, Tilly. It's clear that you like him, and he likes you too. He kissed you and then made up an excuse about being drunk because you rejected him."
"Do you think he's angry?" she wondered aloud, her mind plagued with thoughts of how she would feel if the situation were reversed.
"With you? No. Probably just had a blow to his ego but he probably needed it. But he's Rafe, he will get over it. He's like a bloody boomerang," Charlie reassured her nonchalantly
"So he'll forgive me?"
"You could murder someone and he'd forgive you," he joked.
Her smile widened as she turned her head to look at him. "So he'd forgive me if I just shanked Ward?" she joked.
"Shank him? Jesus, who have you been hanging out with?"
"Dad made me watch Prison Break," she defended.
Charlie burst into laughter, not at all surprised by her response.
"Would you forgive me if I shanked your dad too?"
He tilted his head, a smile tugging at his lips. "Oh, definitely," he nodded. As terrible as it may sound, he would probably feel relieved. Chuck Hudson was far from being a father figure. "You should tell Rafe, go find him... and do all the cute RomCom shit you like."
"What about you?"
"What about me? I've always known that rafe cameron will never like me the way i like him. and no offence i don't want no romcom moment."
"Okay.."
"Okay, as in you're going to do it? Right now?" Charlie asked.
"Yeah I'm going to find him and tell him," she nodded slowly, trying to gain some confidence.
"Plant a big, old, juicy kiss on him."
She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Yeah, maybe not that," she replied.
"Let him finally take you to church and have you curse the Lord's name in vain," Charlie continued, teasingly.
"Jesus."
"Nope, only God here."
"Stop," she laughed, leaning her head onto his shoulder as she felt his laughter vibrate through his body. Truly, there was no one quite like Charlie Hudson.
PRESENT DAY
Matilda had always been the one who understood Rafe the best, at times even surpassing his own self-awareness. She should have anticipated Rafe's impulsive reactions before rational thought, as it was his consistent pattern that had got worse over time. But, she also wasn't aware that it was a touchy subject for him, considering how he had brushed the whole entire moment off so effortlessly. But, as always, she found herself picking up the shattered remnants left in his wake.
Her mind wandered back to that February when he kissed her, and how she replayed the moment countless times in the months that followed. Back then, she wanted to be with him, but her own insecurities and fears got the best of her, and unfortunately, some of those fears turned out to be true given how the night unfolded. Her alone, with the memory of him kissing a redhead just hours after he tried to kiss her, and it shouldn't have been surprising, he had done it in the past with other girls.
Initially, she felt stupid for seeking him out that night to confess her feelings, only to witness something she wished she hadn't. She regretted trusting Charlie's assurances, blaming herself and pondering the various 'what-ifs'. Perhaps she should have turned back to him, or maybe she shouldn't have pushed him away in the first place. Maybe she should have simply worn that cardigan. She believed it was her own fault that he kissed someone else; she had rejected him, and the consequences were hers to bear.
And like most things, Rafe never spoke of it again, and he acted like his normal self the very next day as if it never happened. And Matilda, she was so afraid of losing him that she chose to bury the hurt and confusion deep down, convincing herself she could handle the feelings for him that went beyond mere friendship. She knew she could handle anything but losing him entirely. That was just one more reason why she couldn't allow herself to be in love with Rafe Cameron; so she resolved to suppress those emotions, though it proved to be easier said than done.
Since last year, so much had changed, and the fractures in their relationship had only widened over time. She thought things were improving after Rafe had come back from College, so for a fleeting moment, she had reconsidered her choice to close that door.
The frigid air prickled against her skin, despite her best efforts to dry herself off. Her hair, still damp, seeped through the delicate fabric of Rafe's shirt. Matilda tried to dismiss the chill that danced upon her flesh as she entered the lower deck, her sole focus fixed on locating Rafe. Pausing before the cabin door, she contemplated for a fleeting moment, knowing that it held the only plausible location for his absence from the deck and she was worried that he had let his anger get the best of him which was common as of late.
Her heart plummeted as she pushed open the door, confronted by a sight she had not anticipated. Her gaze fell upon Rafe, hunched over the unforgiving surface of the table, clad only in his denim jeans, actively indulging in a line of cocaine.
Rafe swiftly reacted to the intrusion, hastily straightening himself and positioning his body to shield the desk, his eyes squeezed shut in self-reproach. She couldn't see him like this. He had made every effort to shield her from the depths of his vices, keeping her at a safe distance from the consuming inferno that raged within him. The scars of his past mistakes, the wounds he had inflicted upon her, gnawed at his conscience, tormenting him relentlessly. The mere idea of destroying the only person who truly cared for him, the one who relied solely on him, consumed his every thought.
"What are you doing?" she whispered, her voice barely audible, because deep down, she already knew the answer. It was more of a test, a way to gauge whether he would dare to lie to her after being caught red-handed.
"It's nothing, Tilly. It's fine, I just..." he began, his words trailing off, unable to find the right explanation
Matilda moved closer, stepping into the confined space, her presence now directly in front of him within a fraction of a second. Her hands instinctively pushed against him, a desperate attempt to confirm what she had seen, yet a part of her refused to believe it.
Rafe firmly grasped her forearms, not intending to cause harm, but enough to gain the leverage needed to pull her body back in front of him. "Hey, hey, Tilly, stop. Tilly. No, I need it. Stop, Tilly," he pleaded, his voice laced with desperation, his repeated utterance of her name a desperate plea for understanding.
The desperation in his voice was evident with each repetition of her name, causing her to cease her attempts to look past him. As she faltered, her gaze slowly rose to meet his, her expression a delicate blend of disbelief and sadness, a combination that could easily be mistaken for disappointment. "Rafe," she whispered, her voice filled with a newfound determination. Yet, he avoided her gaze resembling a timid puppy. "Rafe," she repeated, this time with a touch more conviction. Her hand gently reached up, intending to grasp his chin and coax his face towards her, but he instinctively flinched away at the touch. Her hand moved to his cheek in reification as she realised her actions triggered memories of Ward. "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you," she assured him.
Talk to me. When did this start? How often? Why?
The words kept pouring out and that did nothing to ease Rafe. His chest heaved rapidly, and her voice became muffled amidst the overwhelming options that he couldn't comprehend. In his turmoil, he lashed out and pushed Matilda away. However, this time, it was not just an emotional blow, but a physical one as well. Memories of a similar incident flashed before his eyes, marked by a small scar above her eyebrow. Just like back then, he was consumed by a sense of blindness.
Matilda gasped softly as Rafe's shoulder collided with hers, propelling him away from her. She stumbled slightly but managed to regain her composure. Turning her body, she pressed herself against the small table, tears welling up in her eyes as she glanced at the white lines adorning its wooden surface. "Talk to me," she whispered.
"Why do you even care?" he snapped. His fingers ran through his dishevelled hair as he paced back and forth within the confined space. Memories of that night in the water flooded his mind, where she was going to let him know he wasn't good enough once again. Despite his efforts to please her, he only seemed to disappoint. It was the reason she couldn't bring herself to kiss him or love him. "Damn it! We were having a good day. Why did you have to ruin it?" he quickly shifted the blame.
"Rafe, I wasn't trying to ruin anything. I was trying to tell you something. You just jumped to conclusions before–" she began to explain the situation..
"So now I'm the bad guy?" he retorted, pointing to his chest while furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief. She rejected him. after he did everything right. Anger and shame waged war within his mind, and he was prepared to surrender to one of them, allowing it to consume his being.
Deescalate, not provoke. "Nobody is the bad guy, Rafe. It's just a miscommunication," she spoke calmly.
Rafe sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, and gazed at her. The expression on her face made him feel physically ill, causing him to clench his fists against his face.
"Can you talk to me about this?" she asked, her voice slow and gentle, as if speaking to a child.
The shame had triumphed, as Matilda proved to be the ultimate weapon against his anger. The softness in her voice resonated deeply within him. He knew she was disappointed, so he remained silent, hunching over and staring at the white carpet. Nervously, he ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends as if to inflict additional pain upon himself, attempting to breathe through the overwhelming emotions. He sensed her drawing nearer, and flinched when her hands gently halted his actions.
"Why do you need it?" Matilda whispered, guiding his hands from his head to rest against his thighs. Her fingers intertwined with his, ensuring they remained in place as she sunk to her knees in front of his body. She despised seeing him in pain, a sight that had become all too common.
"Because I need it... I feel something... like I'm on top of the world or some shit..Invincible," he stumbled over his words, still refusing to meet her gaze, fearing the expression that would be etched upon her face. "And I tried.. When I got home to you, I felt...happy and I tried to stop but my head felt like it was.. I couldn't stop my thoughts.."
As a thirteen-year-old, Matilda had spent countless hours researching addiction in an attempt to comprehend her father's drinking. Perhaps she did grasp its nature, but she also understood the destructive power it held. Rafe spoke as though he were enslaved by an addiction, relying on a substance to experience any semblance of relief, and that worried her. She couldn't help her dad, how was she supposed to help Rafe?
"How invincible will you feel when you hurt yourself.. or someone. Last year when.. were you?" she whispered, seeking confirmation. Her grip tightened slightly as she squeezed his hands, her heart aching at the choked sound that escaped his throat as he nodded in affirmation.
"You're disappointed in me. And you're going to leave." Rafe finally addressed her silence, his voice devoid of much emotion, as if he were merely an empty shell.
The guilt hit her like a shockwave; she realised that she had pushed him away when he needed her the most, and now she couldn't help but question if she could have been a better friend. Both of them were in desperate need of each other's support, yet she had made the choice to distance herself from him and find it elsewhere, while he had no one.
"I'm not disappointed. I'm worried," she murmured softly. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I was really upset about everything.. and France. I didn't think about you and I should have.. you were leaving and I.. I'm sorry," she told him, falling back into her habit of apologising.
As she spoke, his mood shifted drastically; his body gradually relaxed and his breathing synchronised with hers.
Matilda's hands reached up to cup his cheek, and this time he didn't recoil, simply tilting his head to meet her gaze; his eyes were still glistening with remnants of frustration, but the tears had ceased. "Sometimes you can't do things alone and need someone. Just like how you've always helped me." she told him.
Rafe leaned in, enveloping her in a warm embrace; his skin radiated heat, cocooning her in a comforting embrace as he guided her from the floor to the bed, her body hovering over his lap. Instinctively, he buried his head in her chest, his arms encircling her in a tight embrace. She rested her head against his, pressing a tender kiss to his hairline.
The chill of negativity in the air dissipated, replaced by a warmth that began to seep back into Rafe through the simple act of embracing.
Sometimes, all it took was a simple hug or a moment of understanding to bring him back to reality, while other times, it demanded much more, which was taxing on her emotional battery. Matilda had learned that loving someone wholeheartedly could feel like a roller coaster ride; being friends with Rafe was no exception. A part of her was used to this pattern in relationships, reflected by the one she had with her mother, and the one she used to have with her father. She was conditioned to anticipate an abrupt drop from the highest peak, but even her resilience had its limits.
&&. note
I'm sorry it's taken three weeks! I've been so distracted with work and uni on top of family stuff. And i've spent the last few days writing but I feel completely rusty.
some may say not enough angst, but i'm working on it. im honestly just excited to get to mid season.
Rafe in his soft boy era is cute but so hard to write. I feel like he wouldn't have been on hard drugs at the time of the flashback (definitely not canonical), so he's a lot more sound minded but dare i say insecure and maybe possessive.
There's some little things in this chapter, I'm not going to talk about them just yet, but i have no doubt that some people will pick up on them from the tiniest clues ;) thoughts on Charlie/Rafe/Tyler??
Next chapter !!
I'm bringing back JJ! this will be the their first interaction since the kegger so do you think Tilly's going to be angry? upset?