Charles and Arthur return to the hotel room late with the sky dark and full of stars. The ocean gave off the smell of salt that mixed with the taste of my tears on my lips as a small breeze blew up the side of the hotel building, rustling my hair from my ponytail. I'd cried waiting for my brothers to get back over everything but mainly my father and I felt equally as much better as I felt shitty. It didn't make sense, but nothing in my life made any sense right now.
Especially not the part that concerned Lando.
Maybe an hour ago, not wanting to give up the fresh air outside I'd dragged one of the foot blankets off one of the beds and wrapped it around me. So while the air grew colder I still sat outside.
I just wanted to enjoy the feel of fresh air on my face for as long as I could.
Charles and Arthur didn't knock, they didn't have to I suppose since this was their room but I was warned of their approach by the sound of the door opening and the sound of footsteps. My face was dry now, I'd run out of tears, but I could feel the puffyness of my eyes, the hotness of my flushed cheeks. There would be no denying my emotions tonight to my brothers and here I was, going to lie about what this all was really about.
The sliding door to the patio slides open and Charles steps through. I look over at him, he'd changed, probably at the track, into a black hoodie and matching sweatpants. I glance inside just as Arthur walks out of the hotel room, I guess wanting to give us some space to talk.
There's a moment of awkwardness before I break the silence. "You don't need to apologize Char. I should've calmed myself down before texting you and showing up at your door. I should've known Lando would follow me."
Charles shook his head and sat down in the other patio chair beside me. "No, I do. I already apologized to Lando, but I owe you an even bigger apology. I almost said things about Harry and I don't know if I would've shut my mouth if Arthur hadn't stopped me."
If I had any energy left I might've looked more shocked. "You apologized to Lando?"
He nods. "I shouldn't have punched him. I acted before I even knew all of the information so yeah, I apologized." Charles sounded as tired as I felt. "Are you okay?"
I let out a deep breath and rested my head back on the chair. "No, but I will be. Once my brother stops punching the people I'm trying to heal."
Charles looked sheepish. "Did he- I mean what happened Dev? What happened to make you run out of there?"
Charles wasn't going to stop asking me what was wrong it was something I equally loved and hated about him. But I couldn't tell him about my dad. I could, however, tell him what was happening with Lando and maybe that would make him not want to ask any more questions. Because at this point, Charles wasn't going to take nothing for an answer.
I rubbed my puffy eyes and looked up at Charles. "He saw the scar above my hip." Well, we'd kissed and he'd touched it. But I could leave that part out. Lando knowing about one of my scars was enough of a punchline that might shut Charles' questions down. "I panicked, he doesn't know anything about Dad."
"You never told him about Harry when you were dating?"
"We never dated."
"You know what I mean."
I took a deep breath. "No, I told him about Mom, and I told him obviously about growing up with you guys. But no I didn't tell him about Dad."
Charles pauses and the next question he asks is much gentler. "I'd always assumed he figured it out or you told him at least a little." I shook my head. "Is that why you left him Dev?"
"What?"
"Did you leave Lando because of your Harry?"
I broke eye contact with Charles. "You know things were getting worse with Dad by then," I mumble.
"You never talked about it, but yeah I knew. I tried to get you to move back in with us."
"Yeah, I remember." I faked a laugh. "Guess I should've listened to you."
Charles gives me a flat look but the gentileness remains in his features. "I knew something was happening, but I had assumed you were stressed with school, and then you started getting bruises again, that's when you finally accepted Mum's offer to move back in."
"Things were over with Lando by then," I add.
He nods. "Dev, did you leave Lando because your dad started hurting you again or because you genuinely thought things weren't going to work out?"
I thought I was out of tears but my eyes proved me wrong as I slowly summed up the courage to speak. "The last day I was with Lando I went home to get some of Mom's things from the house. He was drunk, it was the first time he threatened to kill me and I believed him. He held a knife to my throat." Charles' breath hitched but I continued. "I loved Lando and he was so happy with Formula One returning after COVID, I didn't want to take that happiness away from him." I rub my face.
"Why didn't you tell Lando about Harry Dev?"
I sighed. "It was just easier to not tell him. Things were good, happy even. I moved in with you guys just after Mom died, and I had my own place by the time Lando and I were seeing each other. I thought the part of my life where my dad was in it was over. So when things escalated. I got scared. I ran."
Charles' eyes were full of pity. "So Lando has no idea why you left him?"
I shook my head. "No, it's why he hates me."
"He wouldn't have chased after you today, wanting, caring to know where you got that scar if he hated you."
I stay silent. "I know."
"Do you still love him?" There is another long pause and Charles doesn't rush me for an answer.
"Yes."
"You need to tell him that."
"I- I can't Char. I don't want to hurt him."
"Dev, you always think that you need to keep your heart safe, and as your brother, I'm all right with that. But you can't keep living like this. You have to let yourself love him and be okay with knowing your past can't hurt him like it did you."
Charles' words might've been inspiring if the man who'd caused me pain my whole life wasn't getting out of jail in a matter of days. I just nodded and said nothing, hoping Charles would take my silence as me just thinking things over.
"Don't blame yourself for today Dev, please." He pleaded.
"Okay."
***
The hotel is quiet with the late hour when I sneak into Lando and I's hotel room and with the race tomorrow afternoon, I expect Lando to be asleep when I walk in the door. Instead, I push open the heavy door and am welcomed by a dim lamp illuminating the room from beside the couch in the small main space of the two-roomed hotel suite.
Still no sign of Lando I take off my shoes and stack them neatly by the door. I round the corner in the direction of my bedroom and almost faceplant into the tall frame of the man I'd wanted to kiss me today. Or, kissed and wanted to kiss again. Also, the man who had learned something had happened to me, and gotten punched in the face. The amount of things that had happened today was giving me whiplash just at the thought.
Lando's hair is damp from presumably a shower and tousled atop his head. He's shirtless and his lower half is clad in baggy sweats which sit low enough in his hips that the top of his Calvin's show. He smells like his cologne.
And he's holding an ice pack on his shoulder.
I gasp. "Did something happen in qualifying?" I ask panicked. If he can't race tomorrow-
My head only comes to about Lando's shoulder so he looks down to meet my eyes. Searching. "I just tweaked it, that's all. If you'd not run off again it might not be sore right now."
"Lay down I'll try and help." I point to the couch, my tiredness dissipating. If I was at the track I might've caught this. Guilt slammed into me like a semi-truck.
Thankfully, he listens and lays down on the couch but there isn't enough room for me to get around and Lando's legs are up over the opposite arm of the couch. The elevation puts his spine out of whack and I don't feel comfortable putting pressure on it. But I wasn't going to make him lie on the floor.
"This isn't going to work, you need to lay on a bed or something I can't get to your shoulder like this."
Again, Lando says nothing and gets up and walks to my room. Not his. He must've seen the confusion on my face because he smiled. "Ice pack disintegrated on mine, it's got all that gross goo all over it."
"Oh." It was my turn to stay silent.
We walked into my room and Lando walked in like he owned the place. I guess in a way he did. My bed was made from this morning but I had clothes and paperwork all over the floor and nightstand. Lando just stepped over it, moved the pillows around a bit on my bed with his good arm and laid down face first.
"Better?"
I climb onto the bed beside him, staying on my knees. "Yeah, thanks."
"Mmhm."
I start moving Lando's shoulder around a little and he winces when I move it one way so I start there. I didn't look at the clock when I started, but time goes by and by the time I'm done massaging out his shoulder, the clock reads after two in the morning.
"Okay, I'm done." I don't get a response. "Lan?" He groans and pulls one of my pillows in closer. I realize now that he's almost, if not is, asleep. "Lan,' I try again and curse at myself for not making him lay on the floor instead of the couch. He's always been a heavy sleeper there is no way in hell I'll be able to wake him up. "Stupid," I whisper to myself and get up off the bed.
I shrug off Charles' hoodie, grab a change of clothes and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I drag a brush through my hair once I pull it out of its ponytail and almost moan at the feeling of my hair being unrestrained. I walk out of the bathroom and look at the couch. I'm a small person, but that couch is more like an extended chair and Lando's bed is covered in icepack goo. I grab the pillows off of it though and cart them back to my room.
Pillow wall it is.
I stacked up the pillows from the couch between us along with one of the four pillows off the bed itself. Lando always slept with two pillows, so I left two for him and left one for myself. Once the pillow wall was constructed I climbed underneath the covers of the queen-sized bed. Lando wasn't underneath them, but I guess if he got cold he could fix that for himself.
I shuffled around until I got somewhat comfortable and then closed my eyes. With the chaos that was today and undoubtedly more tomorrow, sleep started to overwhelm my senses quickly.
I was almost asleep when I felt the bed shift and my body dipped slightly backwards toward the centre of the bed. But I didn't have the energy to fight sleep anymore. My brain started going foggy with the peaceful darkness and I felt strong arms circle my torso, Lando's minty breath brushed over my ear.
"I think we passed the pillow wall stage four years ago Dev."
Sleep swept in like a gentile wave.