seungkwan closed his eyes as he laid back on the picnic blanket, his ankles crossed, and his arms behind his head serving as a makeshift pillow. his friends chatted loudly around him. the smell of sweets and various snacks wafted in the air around him. the sun was beating down on him, yet he didn't feel too warm as a cool breeze blew through the leaves. seungkwan could say this was the perfect day to be outside.
of course, if his friends weren't seemingly screaming in his ear about who knew what, he would be in a slightly better mood. nonetheless, it was a perfect day so far.
seungkwan peeped at his friends, wondering what exactly had them so riled up. he spotted seokmin and soonyoung dancing in front of their friends, half of them facing them and cheering loudly. his eyes flitted over to vernon and wonwoo who were playing on their gaming consoles, the older one leaning into mingyu's side. the young boy felt his eyes drift over to the taller boy, sighing softly as he saw the way the sunlight was highlighting mingyu's features perfectly. mingyu had his eyes closed as he leaned into wonwoo, his head tossed back as he looked towards the sky with a contented sigh.
seungkwan settled back down and closed his eyes, sighing softly to himself. he refused to let his stupid feelings get in the way of his trip with his friends. and for the most part, when he ignored mingyu and wonwoo, he actually found himself having a lot of fun.
his friends had done plenty of things in the past two days. they'd raided plenty of convenience stores and had late night talks outside while eating ramen. and when they wanted to act civilized for the day, they would visit art galleries and thoughtfully make remarks about what each piece posed a meaning for. seungkwan himself didn't understand much about art, but for his friends, he found himself acting along and using the words perspective and contemporary and such.
at night, the group found themselves settled into the corners of bars and clubs. they would often have to push tables together so they could sit together, but most of them wandered around the room, dancing on the floor or taking shots with strangers.
this day, however, they decided to relax and have a picnic at the riverwalk. one of the boys, jihoon, if he remembered correctly, laughed quietly as he quipped, "are we going out on a date?"
jihoon seemed to forget who his friends were. soonyoung and jeonghan exchanged mischievous grins and held a silent conversation with their eyes. they roped the rest of the boys into dressing into their cutest outfits and buying nothing but sweet liquor and sweet treats. so they raided a nearby bakery and made their way to the nearby riverwalk.
when the group found the perfect spot, a bright green patch of grass that was close to the river but far enough from the hoards of people that were there late in the afternoon, they laid out their blanket and interacted with each other as if the thirteen of them were on a date, some of them begrudgingly following along (jihoon and seungkwan).
as expected, mingyu and wonwoo were extra clingy that day. the second that the group split off into their own conversations, seungkwan forced himself to tear his eyes away from the couple and laid down on the blanket.
seungkwan felt someone hover over his head, blocking the soft sunlight that was lighting up his face. he scrunched his face, groaning softly as he felt someone tap his forehead. he slapped the hand away, opening his eyes as he heard the loud giggles of his older friend soonyoung.
soonyoung grinned as he leaned closer to the boy, grabbing the younger boy's face as he pinched his cheeks. seungkwan whined loudly as soonyoung inspected his face and said, "you look so cute when you're asleep."
"i wasn't asleep." seungkwan murmured out as he sighed softly.
"really? you've been really sleepy this entire trip." soonyoung muttered, biting his bottom lip worriedly as he searched seungkwan's face for something.
seungkwan frowned slightly at that. he had been losing sleep, though he didn't want to admit it to his friends. the first two days of their trip, mingyu and wonwoo shared the main bedroom together, while the rest of them shared an inflatable mattress and the couch. the young boy could hear their giggles through the door, and he couldn't stand the sounds that he normally found delightful. he could only find them bittersweet in that moment in time.
needless to say, seungkwan spent a lot of time on the balcony. it was the only place in the hotel suite that he couldn't hear anybody.
seungkwan faked a smile as he reached his hand up and lightly shoved soonyoung in the shoulder. "i'm fine, hyung. i'm just savoring the moment."
soonyoung knew the boy was putting on an act, but he didn't want to ruin the light mood everyone was in. if the younger boy didn't want to talk about his problems, he wouldn't force him.
seungkwan was always like that, keeping his problems to himself. soonyoung just sat back and waited patiently until seungkwan approached him like he always did, apologizing profusely for pushing his friends away. and soonyoung, and his friends, always forgave seungkwan. they knew the boy didn't do it on purpose, and it was something seungkwan was trying to fix every day. some days just proved to be harder than others for the young boy, and soonyoung understood that.
in an attempt to distract seungkwan from his troubles, he stroked seungkwan's face lightly, honey dripping from his eyes as he murmured, "we are on a date. do you want to–"
seungkwan laughed lightly as he softly pushed the older boy's face away. "hyung, i am not going to kiss you." he continued to giggle as the older boy whined.
"why not?! everyone else did!"
seungkwan sat up abruptly, his forehead colliding with soonyoung's in his ascent. the boys clutched their foreheads as they whined loudly. seungkwan pushed the pain aside as he looked at his older friend and shouted, "huh?!"
at the sound of seungkwan's shout, the group looked over at the two boys who were shouting over each other. soonyoung was holding seungkwan's face, amusement clear in his features as he watched the younger boy's eyes bug out of his head.
jeonghan, seemingly the only one who heard their previous conversation, chuckled lightly as he crawled over to the younger boy. he sat next to soonyoung, smiling at the younger boy as he said, "yeah, we're on a date."
seungkwan dragged a hand down his face as he groaned out, "no, we're not!"
soonyoung frowned slightly as he pointed a finger at seungkwan. "yes, we are! eight of us stood in a circle and kissed each other while you were asleep." he said loudly.
seungkwan choked back a gasp, scrunching up his face in confusion as he said, "h-how– did that even work?"
jeonghan and soonyoung just glanced at each other and laughed loudly. soonyoung wiped the tears pooling in his eyes as he turned to seungkwan and said, "oh, it didn't. we ended up bumping our heads together and laughing."
seungkwan looked over to mingyu for help, the older boy shrugging as he laughed gently. "yeah, they looked ridiculous." mingyu said, chuckling as he thought back to the memory.
seungkwan just groaned and pushed soonyoung and jeonghan away, the two older boys laughing as they fell back. they crawled away to their other friends, leaving seungkwan alone with his thoughts. wow, his friends were insane. he still loved them, though.
seungkwan found himself in the same position he was in earlier, this time keeping his eyes open as he focused on the leaves moving with the light wind. his peace was interrupted as mingyu moved over and hovered over him this time. seungkwan let out a strangled sound at the lack of distance between them.
mingyu didn't seem to notice the shift in seungkwan's face as he looked down at the boy. "wonwoo wants to know if you want something to eat." he said softly, reaching a hand out to run his fingers through seungkwan's hair.
"no, i'm fine, hyung." seungkwan said, squeezing out his most convincing smile.
wonwoo crawled over and joined the two boys, sitting next to mingyu as he hovered over seungkwan and said, "really, kwan-ah? not even some chocolate covered strawberries?"
seungkwan rolled his eyes lightly as he said, "ugh, fine."
with that, wonwoo crawled away to grab some strawberries for his younger friend. seungkwan looked away from mingyu, feeling the older boy's eyes burn into his skull as the two of them waited for wonwoo to return. the older boy returned with the package of strawberries, his face bright as he hovered over seungkwan again.
seungkwan reached a hand up to grab a strawberry but winced as wonwoo slapped his hand away. he looked up in confusion, mingyu mirroring his expression as they looked at wonwoo.
wonwoo chuckled lightly as he said, "i'm going to feed you, silly."
seungkwan's jaw dropped as he watched wonwoo reach for a strawberry. seungkwan shook his head fervently, waving his hands frantically as he insisted that it wasn't necessary. seungkwan quickly silenced as he felt wonwoo press a strawberry to his lips. seungkwan groaned and rolled his eyes, reluctantly taking a bite out of the strawberry. he refused to look at the upside down faces of his friends as he chewed slowly.
seungkwan covered his mouth as he pushed wonwoo's hand away. "god, i get that we're on a date, but this is getting ridiculous." he said jokingly, his voice muffled by his hand as he glanced up at his friends.
wonwoo laughed quietly, finishing off the strawberry seungkwan bit into. he turned to mingyu, the taller boy looking down at his lips as wonwoo chewed. wonwoo chuckled lightly, leaning close to the younger boy as he said, "you want some too, gyu?"
mingyu looked up at wonwoo, gulping silently as he nodded softly. wonwoo just laughed as he pulled the boy closer and kissed him.
seungkwan, who was looking at them from below, just closed his eyes. his body shook as he laughed silently. he laughed pathetically to himself as he heard the hoots and hollers of his friends in the background.
and suddenly, the day wasn't perfect anymore.
seungkwan just scooted down and sat up, leaving the two of them alone as they continued to kiss. he moved towards his friends and sat down next to vernon, his same age friend glancing at him momentarily as seungkwan looped their arms together. seungkwan leaned his head onto his friend's shoulder, both of them sitting in silence as they watched the large body of water ripple with the wind.
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the group were walking to their hotel later that day, all talking animatedly about the dinner they had earlier. the group simultaneously agreed not to go out partying that night, agreeing that there were only so many times they could go out before it stopped being exciting. seungkwan, who was hoping for an early night, was grateful for that.
it was seungkwan's turn to sleep in the bedroom, and he was really excited about that, as excited as someone could be to sleep on a bed. he recalled wonwoo mentioning that the bed was really comfortable, and for the young boy who was currently sharing an air mattress with chan, he couldn't be more excited to have the room to himself that night.
as the group waited for the elevator to arrive, some of them talked quietly as they decided to hang out with their other friends for a little longer. seungkwan couldn't help the loud yawn that escaped his lips. the boys halted their conversations as they all looked at seungkwan.
seungkwan felt like sinking into the ground as he avoided their eyes. his eyes trained onto the elevator doors as he awkwardly chuckled. "i think i'm gonna call it a night." the young boy said, scratching the back of his neck as he finally looked back up at his friends.
before any of them could respond, the doors to the elevator opened. the group filed into the elevator, some of them groaning lightly as a group of eight climbed in after them. one of the newcomers pressed the button to the eighth floor, the same floor the rest of seungkwan's friends were going to. seungcheol, who was standing closest to the buttons, pressed the button for seungkwan's floor. the doors to the elevator closed, the large group shuffling awkwardly as they pressed into each other.
seungkwan exhaled deeply out of his nose as he felt himself press into mingyu's side. he didn't bother to look at the older boy, knowing he was most likely paying attention to wonwoo. he wasn't paying attention to seungkwan anymore. the thought left a bitter taste in seungkwan's mouth.
i just keep missing my chances.
seungkwan decided to risk it as he glanced over at the couple. sure enough, mingyu had his arm around wonwoo's shoulders, the older boy leaning into his ear as he whispered something. the both of them split up slightly, blushes prominent on their cheeks as they giggled silently.
seungkwan wasn't sure how much more he could take.
so when the elevator doors opened to the eighth floor, he ignored everyone's groans of relief as they filtered into the hallway. he grabbed mingyu's arm, the older boy looking down at him in surprise. the group finally made it out into the hallway, their friends chatting excitedly as they walked towards their rooms.
both boys stared at each other in silence as the doors closed behind them. seungkwan wasn't sure what he was doing. he wasn't sure why he pulled mingyu closer. he especially wasn't sure why mingyu pulled him closer as well.
mingyu leaned their foreheads together, placing his hands on seungkwan's waist as he subconsciously leaned closer. he stopped as he saw that seungkwan was just looking back at him and wasn't bothering to stop him.
mingyu looked conflicted as he breathed out, "why aren't you pushing me away?"
seungkwan gulped silently, licking his lips as he whispered, "why aren't you pushing me away?"
neither of them moved, both of them too scared to make the next move. seungkwan didn't want to be the one to move first. even though he wanted to kiss mingyu, even if every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, he didn't want to move. even if he wanted to press mingyu against the wall and ravish him, he couldn't allow himself to do it.
and it would have been so easy, too. they were standing so close to each other. too close.
as the doors to the elevator opened, signaling that they arrived to seungkwan's floor, the younger boy gasped loudly. he pulled back and pushed mingyu away. the older boy looked up in confusion as seungkwan stepped out of the elevator, reaching a hand in to press the button for the eighth floor.
"hyung, i can't share the room with you guys anymore." seungkwan breathed out, chest heaving heavily as he stared into mingyu's eyes.
before mingyu could say anything, the doors to the elevator closed in front of him. seungkwan glanced up at the light above the elevator and sighed deeply as he saw the numbers go down, signaling that mingyu was now a few floors down.
the young boy slumped his shoulders as he walked towards his room. he unlocked the door and quickly took off his coat, tossing it towards a chair as he walked into the bedroom. he slowly crawled into the bed and sighed loudly. he pushed his head into one of the fluffy pillows and screamed loudly, the pillow muffling the noise.
seungkwan couldn't fall asleep that night. he wanted to assume that it was because his friends still hadn't come back to their room, but he knew why he was feeling restless.
so seungkwan climbed out of bed and found himself where he always was: the balcony. he sighed softly as he closed his eyes, trying his hardest not to think about what he was fully intending on doing with mingyu earlier. he wasn't surprised when he started crying. as much time he had spent out on that balcony, he almost always found himself crying.
he didn't hear the front door of the suite open, so he didn't have enough time to wipe his tears away as someone opened the door to the balcony and peeked their head out. he heard wonwoo gasp softly as he closed the door behind him and stepped outside. seungkwan scrunched his face up as he felt the older boy wipe his tears away and ask if he was alright.
seungkwan just shook his head, covering his mouth as he tried to muffle his sobs. seungkwan turned to wonwoo, his voice cracking as he said, "hyung, i'm not a good friend."
wonwoo was confused by this, and though he wanted to ask what prompted seungkwan to say that about himself, he instead decided to comfort the younger boy. he gently nudged the boy aside, squeezing into the chair next to seungkwan as he wrapped his arms around him and stroked the boy's hair.
seungkwan felt himself calm down at the gesture, though he knew he didn't deserve to. seungkwan thought that if wonwoo knew what he (almost) did earlier, wonwoo would never forgive him.
so when wonwoo leaned away and gently asked seungkwan why he said that, seungkwan didn't have the heart to tell him why. he just shook his head and didn't answer. he pulled wonwoo close and leaned his head onto his chest, both of them sighing as they looked out into the starless night.
seungkwan never thought that he was selfish, but that night, he finally accepted that he was.