Felipe's
I SPENT my whole day not even thinking about seeing Rafaelle by the end of it. So, imagine my surprise when my niece suddenly called me to tell me that my friend is here. Hindi ko pinansin ang makahulugang tingin sa akin ni Andromeda nang makalapit ako sa kanila, but I know she knows, the worst part of it is Avo – Avo still believes that I am complete whenever I am with Rafaelle. I don't know about jer, but she always tells us about the lights she sees whenever we are with some people. Avo is a superstitious woman. She was raised in a remote province in Brazil, her grandmother was a Gypsy, and she has passed some of her beliefs in her. Lumaki akong kung ano – anong halaman ang ibinibigay ni Avo sa aming magkakapatid tuwing may sakit kami. She is the typical grandmom who seems to overly care about his grandsons. Hindi ko alam kung mabuti bai yon o kung minsan ay masama.
I sat on the dining chair feeling a bit uncomfortable. Rafaelle was beside me. I'm glad that she is eating well now. I used to have a lot of hard time trying to make her eat. Pili lang ang pagkaing gusto niya. She doesn't like vegetables at all, but I can see her enjoying her salad now. I smiled to myself. Noon ko naman napansing nakatingin sa akin si Andy. Nakangisi siya. I had to ignore the kind of look she is giving me. Hindi maganda ang ibig sabihin noon para sa akin. Napakarami sigurong tanong sa isipan niya and maybe later, she will pester me with her questions, sana lang hindi niya ako kulitin masyado. Huminga ako nang malalim at muling tiningnan si Rafaelle. I smiled again when she asked for another serving. Seeing her eat is really something.
"So, tell me, Rafaelle." Avo spoke. We all looked at the center table, nakatingin nga siya kay Rafaelle habang ngiting – ngiti. "How are you? I haven't seen you in ages. Not that we're close, and I've only met you that one time, but I love to know you more, Mija. I used to always here things about you but Felipe just stopped. And it was news to me when he told me you two broke up. What a waste, Mija. But how are you now?"
Parang hindi alam ni Rafaelle ang sasabihin niya, but the she smiled at Avo and she politely answered.
"Well, I graduated a year ago and now I am busy with my first collection now. I am teaming up with Pan Vejar."
"Oh! Oh! Pan is my cousin!"
"We know, Andy." I deadpanned. Hindi naman niya ako pinansin. Nagpatuloy si Rafaelle sa pagkukwento and I found myself listening to her. I had always like the sound of her voice, it's calm, velvety and sweet – music to my ears, pero pinaalala ko sa sarili kong wala ako sa lugar, na hindi na dapat ako nag – iisip nang ganito. I should've sent Rafaelle home. Dapat wala siya dito, o dapat ako ang umalis but when it comes to her, I didn't have the heart to do that, because deep inside of me, I know that I want to be with her.
"Pan is kind." She smiled. "She understands me." And hearing that felt wonderful. Alam kong walang kaibigan si Rafa, kaya masaya akong natagpuan niya si Pan Vejar.
Avo kept asking her questions which Rafa answered politely, by the end of the conversation, Avo and Andy invited themselves to Rafa and Pan's clothing line launch next month. I just sighed. Nahihiya ako kay Rafaelle, she mus think that the two women in my family is shameless. Napabuntong – hininga na lang ako.
The dinner ended and Andy got up to get the maids. She asked Rafaelle to stay for coffee and cakes, she said yes, kaya nandito naman kami sa living ara, kasama si Avo, Andy at Ruel. My other brothers already left, si Elias Manuel ang pinakaunang umalis. Nagmamadali pa nga siya, must have something to do with the mother of his child – ang batang hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin nakikita.
"It's getting late." Rafaelle suddenly spoke. Tumingin si Avo sa kanya. I have a feeling na hindi niya pa pauuwiin si Rafa. Alerto naman ako. I know that she likes to talk to her but Rafa – as much as I would like to think – she doesn't belong here anymore. I would've killed for something like this with her years ago, but it's different now. "I should get going."
"You're right, Mija. Felipe here will take you home." Tumango na lang ako. Iyon naman talaga ang balak ko. Kailangan ko rin mag – apologize kay Rafa dahil sa gulong ginawa ni Avo at ni Andy sa kanya.
"Oh, no need. I texted my friend. I gave him the address, I'm sorry, ayoko namang makaabala kaya nagpasundo na lang ako. Aabangan ko na lang po siya sa harapan."
"Okay, then, I'll wait with you." Hindi ko na binigyan ng pagkakataon si Avo na makapagsalita. Mukhang nakuha naman ni Rafaelle ang ibig kong sabihin that was why she stood up too. Naglakad kami papunta sa may main door. We stood there side by side, nakapamulsa ako habang si Rafaelle ay nakahawak sa handle ng hand bag niya habang nakatanaw sa malayo. It was very awkward indeed.
I thought about my actions the other night when I took her to her hotel, hindi ko rin dapat ginawa iyon. Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isipan ko. Rafaelle respects my relationship with her cousin, pero ako itong parang hindi mapakali dahil muli, abot kamay ko na naman siya. I should do something. Ruel told me the other night that if I am having second thoughts, I should distance myself away from Jaqueline and Rafa to think about things and to reassess my priorities, pero paano ko gagawin iyon? Hindi pa nga kami maayos ni Jaque. Hindi niya pa rin sinasagot ang tawag ko, hindi niya rin sinasagot ang mga message ko sa kanya pero. She wants me to come pick her up at the Hacienda, but the thing is, I already went back to work and my schedule is always packed. Literal na wala akong oras para sa ibang bagay...
And yet I have time to stand here and wait with her.
I kept on looking at Rafaelle, I realized that I am now at ease. I feel like I am back in Malta where I found joy just looking at my baby like this.
"Thank you, Felipe." I was a bit surprised when Rafaelle looked at me. "I know naman that I shouldn't be here. Hindi ko lang talaga matanggihan si Avo." Napakamot pa siya ng ulo. "I was kind of shocked seeing them sa coffee shop. Nagulat rin ako nang imbitahin ako ni Andy. Hindi ako dapat pumayag. I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. At this point, para akong ex – girlfriend na stalker." She sounded amused, pero may bigat ang huling sinabi niya. I didn't want her to feel like that. Hindi naman siya ganoon.
"No. I don't think of you like that, Rafa." I sighed. "I'll admit that I was a bit taken aback seeing you here, but my family enjoyed your company. I should be the one thanking you. But you're right, we shouldn't be doing this anymore." She nodded in agreement.
"I mean we can still be friends, but not until I get over you completely." Nakangiting wika niya. "So, maybe this is the last time we'll see each other for now."
I didn't like that idea, but no matter what I do, I know that she has a point. Tinanguan ko na lang siya. Wala naman akong maapuhap sabihin dahil ang tanging nasa isipan ko lang ay ito na ang huling beses na makikita ko si Rafaelle. I wasn't this scared when I left her in Malta. I don't know why, maybe because I think that I will never see her again. Sarili ko lang pala ang niloko ko.
"Oh, JM is here." Napatingin rin ako sa main gate. Rafaelle climb down the stairs, I followed her to make sure that she will be safe, but again, for the second time that day, I was taken aback when I recognized the man she called to pick her up.
Si Jose Maria Birada. He was all smiles to Rafaelle, sinalubong niya pa ito. Rafaelle kissed his cheek while Jose Maria took Rafa's bag. I was rooted on the ground while watching them. Rafa waved at me and left, but still I stood there.
"Ang hirap naman ng sitwasyon mo, Felipe." I heard Andy. Didn't even realized that she was standing behind me. "Hirap magpigil ng feelings."
"Andy, please..." I was so tired of this. I know they don't like Jaque but why can't they just let me be?
"I'm just saying, Felipe. Mahirap mabuhay nang pati sa sarili mo nagsisinungaling ka. Look at Elias Martin. Look how miserable he is now just because he once pretended to be Ruel. Do you wanna live like that too?"
xxxx
Rafaelle's
TODAY, Pan and I are both in the Metro and we're both busy doing our thing for our upcoming show. Maigi irn palang naluwas ako, mas marami akong nagagawa kaysa nasa Hacienda ako, hindi ako maka-focus nang maaayos. I checked out of the hotel and stayed in Pan's condominium in the Skyline Towers. She willingly let me live in that place, ang sabi ko nga ay magbabayad na lang ako ng renta, pero tinanggihan niya ako, so we just concluded that I will keep her place clean and I will work harder for our pieces and she said that it's enough.
Nang malaman ni Mama ang maging desisyon namin ni Pan ay agad niya akong tinawagan. She didn't like that idea, ang sabi niya ay malaki ang bahay naming sa White Plains, bakit hindi raw ako doon mag -stay, ang problema naman kasi, masyadong malaki ang bahay na iyon, and I never felt like I belonged there.
I never blamed my mom for keeping me a secret for so long but that decision of hers did something to me and my emotions that I never felt at home at that place unless she was there. Sa totoo lang mas at home ako sa New York. I promised myself that I will be going back there after the launch of our clothing line. Hindi ko pa rin iyon nasasabi kay Mama, one of these days at ihahanda ko na rin ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na sasabihin at mararamdaman niya. She's finally living the life she deserves, maybe it's time for me to live the life I want, hindi iyong buhay na naka - design sa pangangailangan at kagustuhan ni Mama.
"Are you ready?" Pan and I were at her office studio, kasama naming ang kapatid niyang si Dione. I didn't want to pry but I really wanted to know why she's in a wheelchair now. I am remembering reading about her short – live Olympian life, she was successful, but something happened that she couldn't walk now. But she seemed happy. Si Pan naman ay attentive pagdating sa kapatid niya.
I looked at the portfolios in front of me. Today, we're going to hire models for our collection. We needed twelve male models and twelve female models. Hawak namin ni Pan ang mga portfolio nila to see their work and right now, I have eyed several of them. Ang ilan sa kanila ay perfect ang skin tone para sa kulay at theme ng mga pieces ko. Tulad ko mukhang nakapili na rin si Pan.
"Rafa, are you alright?" Nabigla ako sa tono niya. Pati tuloy si Dione ay nakatitig na sa aming dalawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya naitanong iyon. I smiled at her nervously. "I was asking you if you're ready, hindi ka sumasagot, do you wanna talk about it?"
Oh. I thought I answered already, pero hindi pala. I just shook my head. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong problema ko. Mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko nitong umagang ito kaysa noong mga nakaraan. Hindi ko na rin maghapong iniisip si Felipe, palagay ko nga ay talagang unti – unti ko nang natatanggap na hindi kaming dalawa ang para sa isa't isa. Last night, I thought about dating again. Maybe I could put myself out there again, maybe I can finally open my heart. Hindi ko naman na inaalala si Mama dahil masaya na siya, hindi ko naman na kailangan itago ang sarili ko dahil alam naman ng lahat ang tungkol sa existence ko, but why do I still feel like this? I don't know. A part of me still feels empty. Maybe because no matter what I do, I couldn't feel the sense of belongingness that I was looking for.
"I'm good." Itinaas ko pa ang thumbs ko kay Pan para ipakita na maayos naman ako. We proceeded with interviewing the models. Very professional si Pan habang ginagawa namin iyon. Parang ibang Pan nga ang kasama ko. Hindi siya conyo magsalita – straight English talaga – pero natapos iyon nang mapili naming ang 24 models para sa collection.
She asked me to have lunch with them, but I told her that I wanted to rest, so, instead of having lunch outside, she insisted on having lunch in the condo that I am staying. Inihatid muna niya si Dione sa bahay ng isa pa nitong kapatid, and then we went to the Skyline Vejar.
In my head it was just a simple lunch, but what I didn't realize is that she has a plan.
"So, make sabi to me, what is your problema ba?" Muling tanong ni Pan sa akin. "Like, napansin ko naman that something changed when Felipe and Jaqueline made punta to your hacienda. I saw how restless you are, so tell me, what happened?"
Pan and I have known each other for a short time, but I already know that I can trust her. Maybe I can finally tell her my worries, my biggest secret. Sabi nga niya sa akin, chismosa siya, but she knows when to shut up.
"Felipe is my ex – boyfriend." Panimula ko. We were eating lasagna that moment. Pan's mouth parted, she looked like a gaping fish out of water. I smiled at her.
"O to the M to the G!" Napatayo pa siya. I find it funny how she reacted. Nakahawak pa siya sa dibdib niya. "This is treasure! What happened? Why is she with your pinsan?! O to the M to the G talaga!!!" Kulang na lang ay mapatalon si Pan.
Paano ko ng aba sisimulan? I trust Pan, I just don't trust myself.
"Sabihin na lang natin na iba ang mga priorities namin noong panahong kami ang magkasama. I couldn't give him what he wants kasi... kasi may ibang bagay akong pinagtutuunan ng pansin." Pan sat again, but this time she moves closer. She looked like she's about to cry for me.
"Aww... is it because of Tita Nadia?" Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito si Pan. Bakit alam niya ang lahat? Para siyang cctv camera, nakikita niya ba talaga ang lahat?
"Pan..."
"You know, my kapatid, si Kairos? People always tell him that he is gago. I, too, thought about him that way, kasi, back then, I didn't his decisions kasi, but as I mature – thanks to my asawang mabait – I see things that I couldn't before. I learned a lot from him, so, some of my paniniwala changed. I realized that Kairos was like that because he needed to cater for our needs. That time kasi, our papa is sick, tapos there's a lot going on in the company, so Kairos was forced to man up talaga and that thing we didn't understand. He lived his life thinking about us, kaya hindi siya naging super duper happy, tapos the choices he made pa was affected by it kaya super gulo..."
"Why are you telling me this, Panpan?" Hindi ko siya maintindihan talaga.
"Well, I just hope that you won't be like Kairos. Don't live your live based on what other people needs. Think about yourself, what makes you happy, Rafa? You cannot keep on living under the shadow of someone else's life."
Hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon kay Pan pero bakit alam niya ang lahat ng ito? I didn't even tell her the exact thing that's going on but she hit that spot and I realized that it's exactly what I am doing. I am living my life under Mama's happiness and that's make me sad.
Pan left after dinner pero hindi na naaalis sa isip ko ang bagay na iyon. I lost Felipe because I was too busy waiting for Mama to be happy, I was to busy wanting to be the main source of my Mom's happiness, at ngayon na masaya na siya, pakiramdam ko naman naiwanan ako.
It shouldn't be like this.
So, that night, I took my phone and I really did put myself out there. As cheesy at it may seem, I made a tinder account. Hindi ako sasaya kung magmumukmok lang ako lagi rito at magpapanggap na masaya sa harapan ng mga magulang at kapatid ko.
It's time to be my own person again, and maybe this time, I will be able to forget about Felipe and what I thought I will have in the end.