One month later
It's been one whole month since me and Rafe broke up. Thirty agonising days since I've last seen him.
I kept to my word, I never fell into his trap like I thought I would've.
Everything reminds me of him, he has and will continue to infiltrate my life for the time being.
Every time I feel myself smiling, i remember all the times he made me smile. Every time I feel myself grow upset or angry, I remember the ways he made me experience those emotions to a whole new level.
It certainly didn't help to see the mounds of pictures I kept of him plastered all over my bedroom walls when I arrived home.
Or the multitude of photos I had of him in my phone.
Yes... he did buy me a new phone. Even in the colour he knew was my favourite.
Everything he's ever touched feels tarnished to me now, the bed I sleep in, the clothes I wear, the air I breathe. Everything.
My body feels numb, my eyes unable to form tears anymore.
I often think of him, wonder how he is, what he's doing.
Sarah tells me he hasn't been good, out almost every night, getting into fights, coming home high as hell or not coming home at all.
That weak, vulnerable girl he moulded me into sometimes has me blaming myself for his actions.
His voice ringing in my ears constantly.
"It's all your fault, it's all your fault"
I know deep down he broke me down into this feeble, weak minded version of myself. That he was bad for me... so, so bad.
But I can't help but yearn for him, like he's got some sort of magnetic pull on my mind and body.
I hear people say there's a thin line between hate and love, and I'm not quite sure where our relationship stood within that line.
I loved him, but god I hated him too.
I hated the way he made me feel about myself, the way my body would give into him so easily.
I hated the way he spoke to me, the way he'd make me feel utterly worthless with just a few words.
I hated the way he had complete control over me.
I hated myself even more for letting him.
These thoughts of pure animosity are often clouded over with my naive and callow concept of love.
I always dreamt of falling in love, the innocent idealisation that I always fantasised about.
I soon realised the love I experienced was dark, it was violent and isolating.
It was destructive.
Tell me why there's a part of me that still desires that morbid attachment?
______________
"Wake up sleepy head" I hear, jj's voice singing loudly from across the room.
I groan, tossing a cushion towards him while my eyes remain closed.
"Let her sleep" pope tells jj in a hushed voice, his tone laced with what sounds like concern.
"Enough moping over that asshole, get up" jj ignores pope by continuously pestering me.
My eyes flicker open, the blonde earning a dirty look from me as I sit up on the couch.
"There she is" he smiles, pope rolling his eyes in annoyance at him.
"How are you?" Pope asks quietly as he sits down beside me.
"I'm okay, stop worrying" I chuckle, really not wanting to have to speak about Rafe anymore than I have with them.
The poor boys have been taking care of me almost every single day since we broke up.
"See? I told you she'd be okay" jj interrupts, slumping down onto the couch next to pope. The cracking sound of a beer can being opened Piquing my interest.
jj notices my eyes on the can in his hand, making him laugh softly.
"In the fridge princess"
"Thanks" I mumble before standing up and making my way over to the fridge in the messy kitchen of the chateau.
"Stop stealing my beer Perez" John b exclaims playfully as he emerges from his bedroom, his light brown hair sticking out all over the place.
"I'll pay you back" I hum with a grin as I sip on the foaming liquid.
"Oh to have kook money" he replies in a teasing tone, nudging me gently with his elbow.
I laugh a little, a small smile spreading across my lips for the first time in a while.
"So... how's work been?" I ask, trying to act as nonchalant as I can, knowing damn well my real intentions from that question.
His face straightens out as he looks at me, his teeth chewing into the side of his cheek in hesitation.
"Annie" he breathes out. I can already sense the disappointment coming from him.
Damn it.
"I'm just genuinely curious how work has been" I murmur sheepishly as I look down at the drink in my hand.
"If you're asking if I've seen Rafe. No, I haven't"
I just hum at his answer, denting the tin between my fingers as I dither on my next question.
"No...girls or anything?"
He lets out a sigh, shaking his head in disagreement.
"No Annie" he replies, his voice sounding serious, but with an edge of pity that overwhelms me with sense of embarrassment.
"I don't care or anything, I'm just wondering" I mumble back, too ashamed to meet his eyes.
"Mhm" he hums, quite obviously not believing me but not wanting to push the issue further.
"If you're talking about that dickhead again I'm gonna kill you" jj yells as he makes his way over to us.
I give John b a look, practically pleading with him not to mention our previous conversation.
"Nah we were just talking about uhm..." John b stutters out awkwardly, his eyes darting around quickly.
"Windows"
"Windows?" jj asks suspiciously as he approaches us, a small grin on his lips as his brows knit together.
"Yup, windows..." John b replies, scratching the back of his head with uncertainty.
"Seriously?" I whisper, earning a shrug from John b.
"Well I'm sad to have missed such a thrilling conversation" jj claims sarcastically.
"Why were you talking about windows?"
Pope joins in on the conversation, a small groan escaping my lips.
"Jesus Christ" I mutter to myself as I run a hand down my face.
jj snickers to himself as John b lets out a snort followed by a quiet chuckle.
I roll my eyes as I begin walking off back towards the couch, but my movements come to a halt when I feel a hand grabbing my arm, pulling me back to my original spot.
"Waaaait" jj urges, an all too familiar smile on his face, a smile that only means that boy is planning something.
Something i probably won't want to do.
"There's a party tonight... you wanna go?" jj asks, my face immediately scrunching up at the thought.
"I dunno, what if-" I begin, put I'm stopped when his finger is pushing against my lips.
"Don't even say his name" he warns me, I grab his wrist, tugging his hand away from my face.
"Aww come on Perez, it might be funnn" John b joins in, his arm swinging over my shoulder loosely.
"Yeah princess, we'll make it fun" jj smiles as his arm wraps around my other side, mirroring John b until I'm sandwiched between the two boys.
"Fine" I mutter in defeat.
"You two are such idiots" Pope chimes in as he tries to hide the smile growing on his face.
"I'm going to assume that means you're coming too right?" jj asks, his arm tightening around me subtly.
Pope lets out a groan as he throws his head back.
"If Pope isn't coming, I'm not either" I tell them jokingly.
"Well then it's decided, Pope you're coming"
"Thanks for giving me the choice, very kind of you" Pope replies sarcastically, making the boys laugh.
(Next chapter WILL be out later tonight or tomorrow! Hope you enjoy :)