What do you want more than anything in the world? What is truly the most important thing to have? ...And why don't you have it already?
I ask myself, and yet I could only answer but two of those questions. Another day simply goes by as I ponder, awaiting change and differences to the past. But no matter how long I wait, it all stays the same.
The cool breeze brushes against the leaves of the nearby trees, carrying away one or two of the fragile and thin stragglers along with it. The same breeze gently pushes against my purple fur, going around me and also through. I remain, unmoved and unfazed. My eyes rest upon the familiar faces of the posse before me, far yet not so distant at the same time. A few kick a soccer ball between those that are playing. One attempts to figure out which snack to consume. One sits by them and begins to paint what they see. Finally, one tries to simply look cool in hopes of the admiration of others.
All of them enjoy each other's company, laughing and talking amongst themselves.
I sit and watch them all, as my wide and unforgettable smile continues on. I remember when they asked me to join them, I thought. Though hesitant and followed upon by a nervous smile, each member of the group there has tried one time or another to ask if I'd like to hang out. I would always look them right in the eyes, unblinking, while theirs dilated ever so slightly. Of course, dear friend, I'd tell them. I'd be delighted to. They performed one mannerism or another. A drop of sweat may fall, or they might look away for a second before looking back at me. I remember a certain chicken sighing and looking creeped out in an irritated way before forcing a smile and simply dragging out a weak "Great."
Although I was invited, my company felt most unwanted. I would try out a few of the activities to not be so rude as to deny such a kind offer. And slowly but surely, I'd receive a few looks and hear a few common phrases. I'd like to stick around, but I forgot something I was supposed to do. I'll see you all later. I'm actually pretty busy, maybe we can do this again next time. Hey, I gotta go. I'll be back... sometime. The numbers dwindled as quickly as the time I had spent around them had passed.
Eventually, the invitations themselves stopped as well. It didn't take too long before none of them asked if I could make it to an event or gathering. Even just on a whim or a spontaneous moment they could all gather together to play and socialize, suddenly I was never asked any questions anymore. They stayed away, and they all showed how happy they were when I wasn't there.
Tragic, yes. But I don't hate any of them at all. And up until now, it's all become clear to me why this is happening. It must be me. It must be all my fault. Everything must entirely be because of who I am. A creep. A freak. A monster. Someone who isn't anything but too scary. All things I've overheard from them even though they admitted they've never "seen" me do anything supposedly awful. That is why I cannot fault them. If they all think that of me, then it must be true. I've seen what I look like. I may not fully understand, but I don't have to. It's already crystal clear. I do not belong.
The Smiling Critters are great friends. And I am not one of them. There is no other explanation. I was a fool to believe that I was any friend to them at all.
Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. I've neglected to consider one. The only one. The only one who still sees me. Who looks to me with a naive and trusting smile on his face. If anyone didn't make any sense amidst the group, it was him. He was different among the rest for still being by my side from time to time. With his floppy ears, optimistic voice, and bright personality, he constantly shines. Just thinking about him seems to spark a trail of stars in one's mind. You can't help but want to think more and more about him. He's intriguing in that way.
So while I merely forgot that there is someone who asks me a question or two in my pitiful state, I start to look around for him. As if almost on cue, I see a canine waving at me with a grin on his face as he quickly approaches me, running on two legs and panting. He stops just in front of me and looks down so that our eyes meet. His tail wags enthusiastically and unaware of the burdensome presence before him.
"Good morning, Catnap!" He says eagerly.
"Dogday, what a most welcoming surprise," I greet. "What brings you here?"
"Silly cat," he chuckles. "Don't'cha know that already?" He plops down, sitting beside me as his tail continues to move quickly.
"Well, I might fancy a guess." I reply, glancing over to the other Smiling Critters hanging out together.
"Instead of guessing, how about you come join us! We're having a fun, friends picnic!" His eyes beam, radiating happiness like no other. "We haven't had you at an event in forever."
"I appreciate the invitation, dearest friend," I start. "But unfortunately I am quite busy."
"Busy? With what?" The dog tilts his head.
"I'm battling exhaustion. In fact, in order to win that battle, I may need to take several naps."
"Aw, but that's what you always say!" He frowns, crossing his arms.
"Yes, but that is only because it is true."
"If you say so..." He rubs the back of his head, unsure of what to say in response.
I stare at his face, noticing a quite defeated expression. "Perhaps, if you ask again another time, I might not be so sleepy then."
The dog looks at me with slight surprise. "Really? You mean it?"
"Maybe."
He immediately stands back up after I answer him. "That's all I needed to hear!" He cheerfully smiles. "I'll remember what you said, so you better not forget it either!"
My wide smile stays as is, but inside I feel a bit shocked myself. Did I really mean it? I must have spoken without really thinking.
Regardless, Dogday turns to the gang and says to me, "Okay, then I'll see you later, Catnap!" He only starts a few steps before standing in place, his back still facing me. He says nothing, and I say nothing for a few seconds, but the silence is broken after a bit. "You know," he begins in a calmer tone. "I know they're all afraid... but that's-" He doesn't form any other words following that. "...Never mind." He shakes his head. "Just think about the future invitations for me, okay, Catnap?" He shoots me a small and barely visible smile. "You really are a silly cat." He then begins to continue sprinting over to the others, as the size of his form gets smaller and smaller the more distance he travels.
Though my answers were partly true, I couldn't help but lie. Lying is all I can do for the sake of others. I do not want to act so selfishly and intrude upon their fun times. Still, my reasoning wavers whenever that dog asks the same question every time. I feel compelled to want to accept, but must remain strong and true of the situation. The other members would not enjoy me being there. Even so, he really is so convincing... You really are a silly cat, huh?
Although he already left, I couldn't help but feel confused and yet a little more content at the same time. "Farewell, Dogday," I quietly say.
I get up from my spot on the grass and start to head into the woods behind me.
The day progresses slowly as I'm weighed by the ever present loneliness. Luckily, sorrow and sadness keep me company, eventually leading me to the cover of night. I continue walking until I reach the end of the land I stand upon. Just beside me was a careening stream followed by a circular body of water encompassing a moderate waterfall. I slowly approach the shore where rocks are pushed up against the edge and sit, resting my weary legs over the edge. Though a little hard to see, just behind the base of the waterfall, where the water clashes against more of itself, there is a sizeable cave. The moon shines down and reflects against the water's surface, helping the cave's visibility only just a little bit. But here, I sit. Thinking of nothing but the sound of the rushing water. I dare not try and make contact with any of it, but being on the cusp of what I could consider a teetering of life and death is quite soothing. A little overdramatic, but let me know when I start to like water more than the average cat. The scenery is pleasant all the same.
"My dear friends," I begin. "Maybe you would enjoy a place like this. But certainly not while I'm here." My tail lazily flops onto the rock. I've spent many an hour here thinking of ways I could be more accepted by the group, but nothing has seemed to work so far. Doubtless to say that there would ever be any reason for them to look at me as a friend. At least that crazy canine is somehow one of my only ones. He'd have to be just that, crazy, to be able to tolerate my company. Still, he's a wonderful fellow. That must be why he's the leader of the group. It must take an extraordinary amount of charisma to obtain so many acquaintances. I do wonder how he does it. What is it about him that makes so many people adore him?
And why am I...?
My right ear twitches as I hear a bit of rustling grass behind me. Being taken by surprise, though I should hardly ever be, my fur stands on its end and I quickly turn my head to the source of the noise. The familiar bundle of joy reveals himself from the shadows.
"Oops, sorry!" He apologizes quickly. "Were you busy resting, Catnap?"
I lower my guard, and my stressed fur, after seeing his face. "No," I bluntly state with my wide maw.
"Oh, good. Didn't want to ruin your nap or anything!" He smiles, making his way over to me and seating himself on the rock beside me. He lets his legs rest over the edge, but is also a little more brave about letting his paws touch the water. They begin to kick gently against the rock he sits on, proving he's a little more fidgety and restless. "Another great day for stargazing, huh?"
"Another great night, dear friend," I correct him.
"Oh. Heh, right!" He sheepishly grins. "Still, look how many stars are out tonight! It's so pretty!"
I shift my focus from him to the night sky, which is truthfully littered with so many stars it's no wonder he had to remark them. Though small, they're numerous. Working together with the moon, they do a fantastic job in lighting the darkness. I can't help but agree. "You are right."
"How many do you think there are?" He asks.
"How many?" I wonder in confusion from his question, knowing there's no reasonable number or amount I could answer with correctly. "There are far too many to count. There exists no one that would even come close to knowing truly how many there are."
Dogday hums to himself, looking at them more intently. "So... like a billion?" He chuckles.
"Far more than that, friend," I say matter-of-factly.
"Hehe. I know," he smirks. "Just wanted to get a reaction out of you!"
"I see," I reply, but honestly I didn't know that was his intention at all.
"Hey, the others aren't here," he says. "Does your mouth hurt or anything? Why not relax your face a bit. I've seen you make other expressions, ya know."
"I suppose you are right," I answer. I take a moment to breathe and slowly relax as caution and care leave my body. My jaw begins to loosen up and what soon finds its way to my face is a blank, unfeeling expression. I look over to the dog, knowing he'd now have a thing or two to say about it.
"There, better, right?" He smiles proudly.
"Hmm," I ponder. "Is that all to say... you do not like it when I smile?" I tilt my head a bit.
"WHAT?! Huh?! No no no, of course I do! That wasn't what I meant at all!" He frantically interjects.
Witnessing his panic draws out a snicker from me. The dog then looks at me confused but also sorrowfully. "Apologies, friend."
"Huh?" He sounds out.
"I was also... aiming to obtain a reaction out of you as well." I reply with a much smaller and reasonable smile.
"You-- Wha-- Silly cat!" He whines. "You really had me going there!" He pouts.
I truly can't help the smile on my face from his childish, tiny tantrum over being fooled.
"That one there," he starts. "It suits you better."
"What do you mean, dear friend?" I ask.
"Well, I've noticed for a while that, for some reason, you keep a really big smile when you're near any of the other Smiling Critters. What for?"
I blink at him. "I've heard that one looks better in the eyes of others with a smile on their face. Is that not true?"
Dogday almost says something but stops and begins to think about it for a second. "Well, it is. But... I think it's way better when you mean it, you know?"
"How do you mean?"
"It's like... if I say that I'm gonna give you a cookie," he tries to explain. "Let's pretend that I will, no matter what. But then I say I'll have to give it to you later because I didn't have one on me already. So you get the cookie later. But what if I already had a cookie for you? I'd just give it to you after promising it. It's more genuine when I do what I say right away, right?"
"I'm not really following your logic, friend."
"Agh, sorry, it's hard to explain!" He shakes his head. "What I'm trying to say is, I think it matters more that your friends have a real smile on their face and not one that you're just using for the sake of others?"
"But what if I'm using it to make them feel better?"
"Then, I think it's more important to be honest that what you really want to do is to help!" He replies. "That you'll do what you can to make them feel safe! Then it won't be a lie anymore."
"How do you know if I am smiling genuinely or not?" I inquire.
"Catnap, you're very smart, but even you can't 'perfectly' hide what you're feeling. When I see the way you look at all of us having fun, I can... feel it." He says, gently balling a fist at his chest, clenching his sun-shaped pendant. "The pain you're experiencing when you do that."
I look at him curiously. He feels it?
"And, well... maybe it's not true. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I really don't like it either way. That you're all alone." He mentions with a frown. "And it's not your fault. The others are just," he stops for a moment, trying to think of a way to say things right. "They're just afraid and I don't know why. You're not scary, Catnap. You're my best friend, as good and deserving to be a friend as much as anyone else!"
His words. They're comforting but they also sting. "H- H- Ha ha ha h a h a . . ." I coarsely laugh.
"Catnap? What's wrong?" He worries, reaching a hand out to me.
"Not scary," I quietly repeat. "Am I really not all that terrifying?" I say, purposefully bringing back my large smile for him to see.
He gets up from his seat and walks over to me. He extends out his hand and uses one finger of his paw to boop my nose. "No, you are not." He answers with a soft and gentle smile.
I look him in the eyes but soon concede, lowering the uncomfortable smile. I look down into the water and see my reflection. I frown at what I see. Yet, Dogday stands beside me, joining my reflection and resting his right paw atop my head. He grins boisterously at my reflection. I keep my sight on his naive smile, but feel comforted by it all the same.
"I am thankful for your kindness, best friend." I tell him. "Still, that doesn't change the fact that the others do not enjoy the way that I talk, nor do they like how I behave around them." I sigh, as only a small bit of red smoke trails with it. "Truthfully, if I were more like the rest of you, then maybe I would like myself better as well. Maybe... this feline could proudly call himself a true companion to his so-called friends."
Dogday's smile goes away, but he puts a finger to his chin and looks off to the side, thinking. His eyes light up in no time at all, filled with the premise of a brilliant idea. "If that's how you feel, then why don't I help you?" He says.
My eyes perk up and one twitches slightly. Had I really heard him correctly? I shift my position and my body faces towards him with my attention fully grabbed. "Truly?"
He takes a step back and puts on an expression of smug confidence with his paws on his waist. Taking a deep breath, he then proudly holds a thumbs-up and winks. "No problemo! Anything to help out my bestest friend in the whole wide world! You can count on me!" His tail wags intensely.
I blink over and over, completely stunned by the very situation. I can hardly process it. Dogday wants to help me improve myself? I shouldn't be surprised but this was still something I never expected could ever be real. "I do not know... what to say." I blurt out.
Before I can react, the pup runs up to me and pulls me into a great big hug. This was an entirely new experience. To feel the warmth of another. To be so close and to practically absorb their essence. To be overpowered by their presence and aura. It's as if I could feel my woes simply melt in one instantaneous moment. And I could capture his scent far more than I ever had by merely being within proximity of him. A pleasant little tinge of vanilla. It was all combined to create something entirely so... soothing. I didn't know what to do.
After a short while, unsure of what I should be doing and simply remaining frozen in his embrace, the dog takes it upon himself to let go and smile at me. "Don't worry, Catnap," He says. "One way or another, you and the rest of the gang will become great friends like you were always meant to be! We'll do this together! I promise!"
My eyes open and close, the surprise not having left my body yet. At least my pupils manage to focus on him and retain decent sight.
"Oh, geez. It's getting late. The moon's position in the sky is wayyy different from when I first got here," Dogday says looking at the sky. "Fret not, kitty-- oops, I mean, Catnap. We'll start first thing in the morning! Well, whenever you wake up that is. Don't miss a good night's sleep on my account, okay?" He takes a few steps back and waves a paw in my direction, turning about-face to head home. "First thing when you're awake, check the front door to your tower-home, okay? Good night, Catnap!" He says, running into the woods ahead. He disappears before I know it.
Flabbergasted, I finally move, putting a paw to my chest, clutching my own moon pendant and feeling a slightly elevated heartrate.
"Good night... Dogday."
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Chapter Author Notes
Here we are! The first chapter. Truth be told, I feel like I'm off to a boring and poor start, but that's just what an average writer's gut tells them. The only thing I need to focus on is progression and pushing on through, no matter what I "think." So, I'm really gonna try my best to do something with this. I've left so many projects in the past, but that just means I've also not had enough practice and effort to prove to myself that I can write. It'll take time, but it should be worth it in the end.
All of that aside, I'm just gonna say a few things.
Things are always subject to change. I may go back and edit the story even after a chapter publication. Maybe I'll add small things, maybe I'll change a few BIG things. Even I don't know. But I'm just gonna follow the ideas I come up with myself along the way. Also, don't expect the chapter lengths to remain consistent. Not everything can be 5 billion words long.
Speaking of adding little things, I might make little comments onto particular sentences / entries where I had very particular parts of my thought process or little fun tidbits like the music I listened to / associated with the following plotlines and situations. Maybe, juuuuust maybe, I'll even add in some imagery. But don't fault me if I'm just saying this and don't actually do any of it. I do what I want, when I want.
Thanks a bunch if you read it all up to this point! Take care~
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