TITLE: The Temple Unleashed
AUTHOR: Avid-ReaderOrWriter
GENRE: Fantasy
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Four (all available chapters at the time of review).
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This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Plot
The plot follows a logical flow, and I liked the way it starts out with the temple. I feel the writing style in the prologue shines. However, it feels tonally different from the rest of the story. The prologue is very lyrical, pulling me in, but it doesn't seem to fit with the characters and the more middle grade tone of the following chapters. As well, I think you could start later in the events of the actual plot—with two POV characters to balance, this may be harder, but I feel like it would benefit the story greatly. By the time I'd gotten to the temple, it seemed like it wasn't the focus anymore. And for Kat, I would say it isn't. Her focus is more on what happens to her mother; even with that, though I think it takes a longer route to get there than it should. When she gets the phone call, consider if you can get there (or as close to that hook) as soon as possible. Kat's mother leaves the letter, but she also gets into an accident: both events here could potentially be combined, even, in order to both elicit the reader's interest as soon as you can and create a sense of unease and urgency. Charlie's POVs kind of have the same thing happening, where I'm not really sure what he wants and why his POV is given. By clarifying their motivations and keeping up the tension, the plot might flow a bit easier.
Something that also makes it harder to follow is the dialogue between characters being on the same line as other characters' actions. It's difficult to follow the linear chain of events when I'm not sure who is saying what, and keeping track of it means I often lost my sense of where I was in the plot/action, as I was spending time trying to decode the structure.
You do a great job of giving information about the world slowly, and that's a good pace for this style. As a reader, I learned along with Kat, and I think that's a sensible way to weave in detail without veering into too much information.
Characters
Kat: I think you've done a good job of balancing a relatable character with one that isn't relatable to me specifically but is still fun to follow. Like, I don't relate to her liking math (or being rich, hah) but I can still see that she has passionate interests. That's something you want from a main character. I do think her motivations could be made more clear, and you might be able to strengthen her active-ness in the story by having her make the choice to go on the trip despite what's happening to her mother. Even though it's a school thing, if she already knew about the accident, and chooses to process it later, or go anyway, or focus on her friend... that tells us more about her. And I feel like I do want to know more. Right now, it's great that we know some basic things about her as readers, but bringing forth more of the specifics, where necessary, may be a good idea. Like when she orders a drink or has to find her way to her seat on the plane. What kind of drinks does she like, and why? While going to find where she's sitting, does she stress about sitting next to someone unfamiliar? There are times when the telling over showing sacrifices some smaller (but still significant) character moments. And the smaller beats are where you can really define your main character as fully formed. It doesn't have to be all of the time, as sometimes the little things are not ultimately necessary, but in a novella where specificity can be evocative, you want to try to do so as much as you possibly can.
Charlie: I feel very similarly about Charlie. I relate to Kat on a character level more, and I wonder if some of this is related to not clearly knowing a whole lot about him. I think maybe including more of his thoughts (internally) may be helpful. There are a lot more characters around him than Kat, and so his chapters sometimes feel like they're harder to follow because of it. For that reason, I think you need to define him as clearly as you can, by focusing on the things that make him unique. Like, animals waking him up is good stuff, though the scene doesn't linger long enough. The reader doesn't really get to live that experience with him, to hear the sounds and see him pull himself out of bed with the help of animals tugging at the sheets and things of that nature. Because the scene needed to sit longer, the reader moves too quickly to really appreciate it, and I would have liked to see that in more focus.
World
I feel like the prologue is the best example of how you do world-building. So far, I liked the balance of the real world and the fantasy. There's a solid magical sense to it, like Charlie and his animals waking him up, that feels placed well, in order to make the setting feel more fantastical than our real world (though it is set here, the smaller details like that stretch the imagination and make it easier to accept). Like with the plot, you do a good job of weaving detail when necessary, and I think as the chapters continue, it would be cool to learn what that connection is to the temple and what it all means. The weaving of the details like this means I didn't really get to see too much of this, but I think that's okay. I don't think you need to give everything away this early. Keeping a reader's interest by hinting that something bigger is coming is nice for this stage of the story, where there are only a few chapters.
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Prologue:
Your prologue is great! It catches my attention, and I don't feel like it overexplains anything too much. The tone here is mysterious, and it works well!
Chapter One:
At the start, readers are with the main character being lectured and bored. While I think this could work, I'm curious why the story begins here. If the main character is so bored she doesn't care to listen (as with the blah, blah, blah) why should a reader? I'm not sure the opening is super effective at communicating immediately what my interest here should be, and the first line doesn't really show much that seems to hook me in. If she isn't listening, how can she hear the words the teacher is saying? Is she listening, or is she tuned out?
This chapter is quite different from the prologue in tone. I'm not entirely sure where your hook is here. The main character starts out bored, and the pop quiz seems to slow us down before we get to your hook—the fact that the mother is gone. I wonder if/when the pop quiz will be relevant, as the narrative seems to present it as important (or at least that it's there for a reason). You want to hook a reader as quickly as you can, and by the time I get to the mother's note, we've seen two classes, Kat talking to her friend, and the part about her house, all scenes that seem to lead to the ending where the mother is gone. It isn't like the note says anything very mysterious: she's just gone for a week and due to return. It's odd that she leaves suddenly, sure, but it doesn't really make me wonder if she isn't coming back or anything, so I feel like this could be stronger... but I will keep reading to see if my thoughts on this evolve any.
There are places where Kat is referred to in narration as Kat/Katherine interchangeably. It makes sense in dialogue, given that some characters will call her by the shorter, more affectionate form, vs. a teacher for example, who'd likely use the full name... but in narration, it reads a bit odd. If this is a more limited POV, it would make sense if she were called Kat consistently in narration.
Chapter Two:
The it's a nuisance line seems disjointed from the rest of the opening, since I'm not really sure what it refers to or who it's talking about yet. When did the phone call happen? Why is this information there right now, and could it perhaps go elsewhere?
I'm confused by this opening, yeah. It feels like we go back in the past, we discuss the trip and his parents... but all of this is the current scene. There's a sense of distance here with the 'had' and the feeling that I'm not really sure where the narration stops telling past events and the current scene begins. He wakes up, but the flow is disjointed, and I feel like it needs some connections in order for it to make sense.
Chapter Three:
Is Dean Beks's last name?
She can use her phone on the plane and take calls? I know planes have WiFi now, but as far as I know, you can't take calls.
"That Beks decided was Jello-O" Cute!
Ah, here we get the connection to the prologue.
Chapter Four:
"I have no idea who this woman is" Nice bit of comedy!
Why does Charlie get on Kat so much for not talking? He seems to have a lot of friends in his circle, so it strikes me as odd that he's so taken aback by someone who doesn't immediately talk to him. It doesn't really create much extra tension, and considering they don't have much interaction before he says it, it feels kind of odd.
Other Thoughts for Your Consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Prologue:
stood in the middle of the room. The air in the room — you have some minor repetition here, which can probably be removed for a cleaner read. Perhaps by removing the second instance of 'the room': The air seemed to give off a quiet energy...
up to the temple/up to the statue: the same is also true here. Generally speaking, you often don't need 'up' and it is repeated twice, so it hinders the rhythm of the sentence slightly. Maybe something like: glided to the temple, through the age-worn doors, where a statue (stood, watched over, etc.). The reason I eliminate 'to the' is because the variety may help in an otherwise strong sentence.
Scurry out of fear and desperation — here, consider if you need this telling? Scurry implies some degree of motion anyway, as does 'cower.' I think you could end the sentence after scurry out, and keep mostly the same meaning as well.
Chapter One:
Which was surprisingly math — this feels like it's addressing the reader more than a thought the narration would be giving. Her favourite class isn't a shock to her; it would be a shock to a reader. Maybe this is intentional for establishing a voice, though it reads a bit disjointed. Consider maybe just saying: Her favourite class of all: math.
its continuous buzz of its (...) deep stupor: the word its and stupor here also repeat, so I'd suggest rewording slightly. Otherwise, this description is great!
their teacher said with derision, she said, daring to hope -> these dialogue tags are often doubled up with action beats. You don't, ultimately, need both, as either will establish who the speech is connected to. Words like 'daring to hope' seem to be telling too much in any case, and you can easily make this stronger, such as like this:
"So...her mom must be Aphrodite," she said.
Judging by the incredulous look on his face...
And like this: "You have thirty minutes." Mr. Darmon glanced at his watch.
The reason I split the paragraph between Kat's dialogue and the teacher's is because when the focus changes between characters, you ideally want to start new paragraphs. This keeps the feel more cohesive, as the purpose is to make it clear who is speaking/doing the action that connects to the dialogue. It makes it harder to keep track when one character speaks, but another is the one doing the action beat. So, after the teacher glances at his watch and the focus returns to Kat, you want to start a new paragraph to signal to a reader that the focus has moved. Think of it like a camera in a movie — when planning a shot, typically if the scene includes two characters, one on the left and the other on the right, they will remain in those places to signal to the viewer who is speaking, so when the shot cuts, you can follow the back-and-forth easily. If the characters were to swap places, your sense of the pattern would be broken, and this is sort of what happens in dialogue scenes when two characters are seemingly swapping places without cutting the shot (making a new paragraph) to show us the 'camera' moving.
Kat's eyes then drifted/she then focussed — you don't, ultimately, need 'then.' A reader can assume the actions happen in the sequence they are written, as typically one follows the other linearly. So, her eyes drifted implies the same thing, while saving you an extra word.
Minor — Mr. Darmons desk: you need an apostrophe here.
"... Katherine," he chuckled -> Because this is an action beat, rather than a dialogue tag (such as said/asked) it takes a period. This is because actions begin new sentences. Dialogue tags continue the sentence as they describe the way in which words are spoken. So: "... Katherine." He chuckled.
A personal preference: prefer not to use capitals when they aren't necessary, especially when you have already indicated the dialogue would be yelled (such as through dialogue tags or exclamation points. So, "The airport!" Shows us the same thing and is less difficult to read.
added hopefully - in this instance, I don't think you need the adverb (or the unique dialogue tag, but that is sometimes more of a personal preference since I know some writers live by their unique dialogue tags). The adverb does not really modify Beks's dialogue any, as it stands just fine on its own.
her eyes scanned/she spotted: you could do with removing these in favour of describing how she sees the note. Is it sitting atop a massive stack of books? Falling over the side? Something akin to: As she entered, a note (on the table) (fluttered below, sat in the light... anything you desire). The reason for this is because I think it filters the language a bit unnecessarily, and without it the description becomes stronger.
Chapter Two:
The two days (...) without much excitement. Their car was however packed with souvenirs -> This feels a bit contradictory. If the car is packed, how was this not exciting? Also, what kind of souvenirs? Enough that a car is packed makes me think they are large in size. Souvenirs are usually small, so the vague telling here is raising questions.
yelled excitedly - you don't need the adverb here, as your dialogue stands fine on its own.
More of a style suggestion - for the dialogue not in English, maybe consider putting it in italics. It would make it easier to read.
Charlie was already claustrophobic (...) made him feel thoroughly miserable -> here, I feel like you could be more evocative. Is his seat so small that it closes in on him? Does he feel sick? Little ways to immerse your reader are by being specific, and detailing how the emotions manifest in a particular character are a great way to do so.
Personal preference: Prefer not to use suddenly whenever possible to do so while retaining the meaning of the sentence. Suddenly, a loud alarm-like noise, for example, doesn't necessarily need it as the sentence without it sounds the same, and you don't give away the action before it happens. Consider removing it: A loud, alarm-like noise...
Minor—you are missing a period at the end of the very last sentence in this chapter.
Chapter Three:
You may be able to remove some filtering/wordiness in this sentence: Kat's stomach gave a small lurch but it might have something to do with the aircrafts sudden pitch -> (minor, but aircrafts should be aircraft's) Some of this filtering makes sense for Kat's POV, which seems more anxious and unsure. However, you can probably make this point faster by saying something like: Kat's stomach lurched, but it might have been (from, because, due to, etc.) the aircraft's pitch.
The sun had just begun -> here, you may be able to remove filtering by getting directly to that verb: The sun poked...
Minor — Kat couldn't help feeling is was... this should be it was, I assume?
Sometimes you are missing punctuation -> (mostly because his or her...) needs a full stop. Asher blurted out/Jordan called out needs a comma to introduce speech.
Chapter Four:
Took on a slight shade of pink -> here, consider getting specific. Pale like bubblegum? Dark enough that it's almost red? What comparison can be made here by the narration can sometimes show character. Someone who is an artist is more likely to say something like painted pink than someone who is not, for example, and this type of wording choice can often inform a reader bit by bit.
Kat rolled her eyes (...) She still hadn't -> This paragraph seems to switch POV. As the other switches are usually at the beginning of the chapters and the focus seems to remain on one person, consider shifting this elsewhere, perhaps in a subsequent chapter? It reads like we're head-hopping a little.
Concluding Thoughts
I see this becoming a fun middle-grade fantasy with cute moments balancing world-building at a slower pace. I think most of my suggestions are based on being clear on who is speaking, removing filtering as much as you can, and focusing on bringing forward your inciting incident. I think this has a lot of fun things happening, and if you were to move around some events structurally, I think you could hook your readers in more effectively. As well, I think there are some grammar hiccups that made it harder to get through on a more technical level—I'm sure because I was more focused on understanding what was happening, that my enjoyment was a bit hindered. I like what I can see from Kat's character so far. Try to focus on being as clear as possible, especially when writing conversations between multiple characters, and as immediate as you can, while showing a reader the specifics of your characters. Good luck, and thank you for requesting a review from me!
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: