Charlie
"And then... nothing" I say as I watch Liv's excited face turn to complete disappointment.
"What do you mean nothing?" she asks.
"Exactly that. He went all weird and dark, saying bullshit like you can't keep this casual and my life is a mess and you're not ready for it. Like he was trying to scare me."
"Well..." she rambles.
"What?"
"I don't know about the mess thing, but you can't keep it casual. He's right about that" she says.
"That is bullshit! I slept with Dr. Fierman like three weeks ago!" I bring my hand to my mouth, regretting it and look around to see if anyone has heard me.
We are the only ones in the cafeteria, but sometimes we get carried away in the conversation.
"Come on Charlie! First, you were drunk when you fucked him. Because you never wouldn't do it if you were sober" She counts her fingers as she talks "Second, it was your first casual fuck. And third, there was no risk in that, because you would never fall in love with Dr. Fierman."
"I could fall in love with Dr. Fierman..." Could I?
"You never even liked him. Before, after or during sex" she says, like she's stating a fact.
Shit, that's true. He was safe territory because he didn't awake anything in me. Conor, on the other hand, makes every corner of my body wake up.
And he knows it.
"So, he saw through me and he know I wouldn't be able to keep it casual" I say.
"Pretty much, but he'll come to his senses" she states.
"No, he won't. And after yesterday? I don't want him anymore" I have my pride and after that rejection, there's no way I would fall for his shit again.
"Come on, you too are neighbors. All that sexual tension, it's impossible to ignore. You want each other badly" she emphasizes the last word "You'll end up falling on his dick."
I can't help but laugh.
"What? God, why do you say these things?" I look around to confirm that there's really no one hearing our conversation.
"Oh, maybe because I saw it. Yesterday in the kitchen, you were eye-fucking each other. It was hot, by the way"
"Well, I won't fall on his dick, even if it's the last dick on earth"
"Oh, you're that sure?" Liv teases.
"I am. And who knows, maybe it was for the best" She gives me a grin and I change the subject "What about Ryan?" I ask.
I don't know him yet because Liv wants to keep it casual, but I know he's crazy about Liv, I mean who isn't?
"What about him?" she asks, dismissively.
"Are you boyfriend and girlfriend already?" I tease.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen" she states.
"Why not?"
"He's full of shit"
"What do you mean?"
Liv is all about talking, but when it comes to her love life, she always retracts.
"I found out he was fucking another girl. And he lied to me about it, so I won't see him anymore."
"What? But he was the one who started the exclusivity thing!"
I don't know the guy, but I already want to strangle him. How dare he do this to Liv?
"Tell me about it. Only to end up fucking another girl like two days later"
"Oh my God. Why didn't you say anything? You need more comfort than I do."
"He's a fucking moron, I will not cry myself because of him"
"Will you accept a hug?" I offer.
"I always accept those. Especially when they come from my best friend"
Liv is the most fearless person I know. She's stunning, with her blonde hair and green eyes, but inside, she's relentless. That's why men go crazy about her. She doesn't let anyone put her down. She rarely shows when she feels hurt, I think she thinks it makes her look weak. She went through some unpleasant things as a child, and it made her stronger. It also affected her ability to trust people. Which she never does.
She knows a lot of people, she's always at some party and she has no problem with the casual fuck thing. She prefers it that way. But her heart? I don't think she ever gave it to anyone. Despite that, I know it hurts when she lets her guard down and lets someone in, only to regret it later. I know she was starting to care about Ryan, so I know she's hurt, even if she does everything to hide it.
But I'm a romantic, I know there's someone out there who will turn her life upside down, in the good way. I hope it doesn't take long because what I want most is to see my best friend happy. She deserves it.
*
Several days go by without seeing Conor. In fact, I don't even remember him. Except when I pass the foyer of my floor to walk through his door. I have a lot going on at the same time, though. My internship is ending, as is the deadline to deliver my thesis. I haven't had a hot meal in almost a week and coffee has become my water. For a nurse, I'm not leading such a healthy lifestyle.
All my spare hours from the hospital are used to go to the library, read bibliography for my thesis or go home for a few hours of sleep. But at least I know this is coming to an end. In two months, I'll have finished my internship and I'll just have to work for the rest of my life like normal adult people.
At least by then I'll have a life.
Between the thesis and the internship, I almost don't think about the job search I'll have to do in two months. I know that the hospital hires nurses at the end of their internship, but only the best are chosen. I don't know if I'll be in that group. I know I'm good at what I do and in addition to technical skills, I know that, humanly, I'm a good nurse. I care about the patients, I talk to them, I ask about their lives...
I know this is a job where we have to play the role of a psychologist sometimes. And I'm good at it. But is that enough? I see colleagues who finish their tasks much faster than I do, yet they don't even know the names of their patients.
But are those the nurses the hospital is looking for?
On one of my breaks, I start sending CVs to hospitals located close to town, just in case. I don't know if I'll be hired by the hospital where I'm at, so it's better to have some options. I can't risk going even a month without work, because that would mean having to ask my dad for money to pay the rent. Although we don't have any difficulties, I'm old enough to fend for myself.
Conor
After sleeping a few hours, I get up and go out for a run.
I love to run in the morning. It's not too hot and I can think about the tasks I have to do for the rest of the day. Not that I've done a lot of shit lately, but at least I intend to.
After returning home and taking a shower, I decide it's time to get my life in order. The first thing I do is to find my best friend, Ben, and apologize for weeks of absence.
Fortunately, he is soft-hearted and forgives me as soon as he sees me.
He was always the best of the three. We used to be together all the time. Ben, Andrew and me. After Sarah's accident, our group broke up, with Andrew disappearance and my downfall.
"You look like shit, man" soft-hearted and honest, my friend Ben.
"Gee, thanks"
"I'm serious. Are you still drinking?" he asks.
"Don't give me shit. I don't need that right now."
The last thing I need is Ben taking Sarah's place. I don't need a living reminder of her.
"I need your legal services" I say "And... I want to find Andrew"
"Oh fuck... Not this again, Conor...When you said you've had moved on, I thought you had given up on finding him"
"I'm not going to give up. You know I can't do that" I hate that he doesn't take my side on this "You know I want to close the company and I need him here for that"
"That's not the reason why you're obsessed with finding him. There are ways to close the company without his signature and you know it. You want blood. Admit it."
"Maybe I do, Ben. Maybe I do want to revenge my sister's death."
"Conor, come on! That won't do any good to you! You have to move on with your life. Nothing will bring Sarah back, man."
"Call it justice, revenge or whatever you want, but I won't rest until I cause him the same suffering I go through every day, for missing my sister."
Ben looks at me like I have two heads. He doesn't know what it's like. He doesn't know this kind of suffering, of longing, of loneliness, of losing the only family you had left.
"Conor, you're scaring me. Really. You have to stop with this shit and focus your time on other things. Focus on your new company!"
"I fucking can't, because I have to close Williams Scotch!"
I get up from my chair, fed up with the impasse my life is in.
"Can I serve myself a glass?" I ask him, pointing to the scotch.
"No, you can't. It's 10 a.m., Jesus!"
I sigh and sit back down.
"Ok, let me deal with Williams Scotch" he says" You'll only be worrying about your new company. And please forget about Andrew. God knows he's probably been dealing with a lot of shit..."
"What did you say?" I shoot.
My stomach churns and my head start racing a mile a minute.
Ben knows where Andrew is? And why the fuck is he worried about him? That bastard killed my sister.
"What?" He asks confused.
"Why did you say that?"
"I don't understand..." he says confused.
I lose control and lunge at him, grabbing him by the collar. Ben is my height and if I saw him on the street I wouldn't start a fight with him, but I can't think straight right now.
"Do you know where he is?" I yell.
"What the fuck, man!" He tries to push me but I'm stronger and angrier.
"Answer me! Do you know where Andrew is? Are you hiding him from me?"
"I'm not, and let go of me, you fucker! You're getting crazy with this shit!"
"Well, would you tell me if you knew where he is?"
I need to know that I can trust my best friend. He's the only person in the world that I have left.
"No Conor, I wouldn't." he says.
"What?"
"That's right, I would not tell you. Because you two are my best friends and... Look, Sarah's death was tragic, and it was the worst thing that happened to you. I fucking know that. But it was an accident." I give him a death glare, but he continues "I know you think it was his fault. Maybe it was, nobody really knows what happened that night. But I know that Sarah was the only girl he ever loved, that he ever respected. And deep down, you know that too. So, I know that what he's dealing with right know is enough punishment."
I let go of him and walk away to the door. When I open it, I look back at him.
"The only girl he ever loved... Look where it took her."
I leave the office without saying another word.