(Howdy y'all sorry for ghosting you for like three years, I've been writing a lot, and I'm almost done with the second part of the conclusion... so enjoy...) (it's weird I started writing this as a sophomore in high school and now I'm literally graduating college in two months.... thanks for growing up with me in a way, writing was there for me during some... interesting and emotional times, it really gave me a positive outlet to express all those emotions, thanks for being there and thanks for giving me inspiration to turn pain into art, i hope you'll like the second part of the conclusion :) -pastel)
He tried to watch her sleep. It was the only way he could check in on her, and not scare her in the process. The dog made it hard though, every time he crept up to the window, the dog would raise his head, stare right at him, and growl. The dog wasn't scared of him, a pleasant change. He didn't care about getting mauled, but he knew his boundaries.
She looked just like you man, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, just everything. You would have loved to see it, she truly was a gorgeous girl. So he would just watch her, she was the closest he could get to you. He didn't mind if it was behind glass, he felt like he was with you again, and thats all that really mattered to him.
He missed you so much, everyday. It had been what, 17? 18 years? He lost count after ten. When he found her, finally, after years and years of searching, it was like looking into the past. He saw so much of you... in her... but none of the bad parts. She wasn't into drugs, well, at least not the illegal kind. She wasn't mean to anyone, she wasn't angry at the world. She was smart, she was kind, and ambitious. She was what you could have been, with the proper support system, with proper treatment for your mental illness.
He didn't know all of her though, nurture can only do so much when it comes raising a child. He didn't know she smoked the same brand of cigarettes as you, camel sliver menthols. He didn't know about the urges she had, to hurt herself and others. She and him were more alike then he was lead on to believe.
So he watched her sleep. She was knocked out pretty hard. He smiled
A real smile
She she even slept the same like you, same position, same number of pillows with the blanket just like you liked it.
So he just stayed there and watched her until sunlight began to filter into the room. That was his sign to leave.
....
It seemed that her weekend went by pretty quickly... she didn't remember much of it. Not uncommon. It seemed like she lived life on auto pilot during the weekends, just going through the motions until she got back into class and had to be on.
She got up from her pill induced sleep at around noon, she had a really bad sleep hangover and it took her a while to feel normal again. No one ever really talks about how good that feeling could be sometimes, but how terrible it is to do anything on it. She learned the hard way only to double up on none school nights.
She was a very responsible girl, before she did anything, she had to get all of her homework done, if not, she would worry about it the whole time. She could just never let things like that go, she just couldn't relax. Her parents started to notice when she was younger, she had this... perfectionism complex and while she was in therapy for it for a short while, not much changed, she just got better at hiding it.
Afterwards she went and got dressed, making sure to look pretty, but not suspiciously pretty. She kinda had something important and the key ingredient to doing it successfully was to not raise any suspicions. So when she finally got a text message that he was down the road, her heart leapt with anxiety and excitement.
"Hey I'm going to take dog on a walk" she yelled latching the leash on dog.
"Alright, don't go to far" her grandma yelled back.
She grabbed dog and closed the door behind her, walking down her driveway and turning left onto the road. She walked for 10 maybe 15 minutes before she saw a blue truck pulled off on the side of the dirt road. She waved to the truck and walked over, taking the ever growing suspicious dog with her, who throughly sniffed out the car.
"Hey Nathan, how are you?" Kaitlyn asked smiling at him.
Nathan was lindsays older brother, who graduated maybe a year ago. The school burn out, who started smoking when he was eleven, and was still going strong at the age of 19.
"Im good, thanks" he smiled at Kaitlyn. "Do you want to come in? You can bring the dog"
"No its alright, i got to get back anyway" she said digging in her pockets, Nathan kinda creeped her out, like most older people who sell weed to teenagers, she was always sure that if she really wanted to... she probably wouldn't have to pay with money. "20 bucks right?"
"Yeah" Nathan was now digging around his in side console, a little visibly disappointed of the refusal.
He picked up a medication bottle, stripped of any label, and tossed the bright orange tube towards her.
"I threw in a lil extra for you" Nathan smiled a bit. She smiled, knowing thats what they all say, but it does make you feel a little bit special when they do. She handed him the 20, and waved him off. She got a good distance before he sped off, kicking up dirt behind him.
She opened the bottle and inhaled the sweet, skunky earthy aroma. Man, nothing smells sweeter than a fresh batch of weed. Filled with a new excitement, she hurried to bring dog back home, so she could do what shes been wanting to all day.
Whenever she felt stressed, when ever she felt uneasy or abnormal or just get this feeling of being unsafe that she couldn't even begin to describe the weed was there for her. She knew she could take it too far and too fast, and the prescription meds we're keeping her pretty regulated anyway but everyone needs to take the edge off.
And i think you know that more than anyone really.
When she got back to her grandparents house her parents were there, and she packed up her things for the return home, still uneasy yet ready to deal with it.
"We got the window fixed, and all the locks changed, installed a heavy duty lock on your window too, no one's getting in there" her dad said, proud of his prompt reaction of dealing with the threat to his family. She smiled at him from the passenger seat. "So there's nothing to worry about"
"Im not worried" she smiled again, lying a bit.
She was worried just the smallest amount, but not for her personal safety, but for her parents. She had time to think this weekend, and she came to the conclusion that it must be her. It was her who brought this upon herself, it was all the bad things she's done, the cigarettes, the weed, the prescription pills she knows she abuses, the urges, the thoughts, her abnormally of it all. The world knew, and they were coming.
But that's ridiculous, and very obviously irrational thoughts, but to her, the were as real as print on a page.
So that night, when she got home, she put her stuff away, ate dinner, showered, did her skin care routine, placed her outfit for school next to her bed for the following day, and right as her parents went to sleep, she snuck into the backyard.
With her medicine bottle, a makeshift pipe, she broke her real one a while ago, and a lighter she got from her grandparents, she crouched all the way in the back, towards the fence, under a bush, where she was hidden from the world.
As she smoked, and felt the anxiety melt from her shoulders, falling down her back, she exhaled, coughing, breaking the moment a bit. After she was done coughing up a lung, she sat in the sounds of the night, crickets mostly with the occasional owl.
As she was smoking again, it seemed that the crickets stopped. She didn't notice at first, but then she heard something crinkle the leaves. Before she knew it, she felt the exact same way she did that night, when the window exploded. As she exhaled, she could swear she started to smell the exact same scent.
She started to feel really cold, not like a normal "I'm stoned cold," it was an "this isn't right" cold. Her heart started to race and instinctually, she held her breath. There was another crunch, a more deliberate sounding crunch.
Someone was definitely there.
She quickly packed all of her things, breaking out of the freeze part in "fight, flight or freeze," getting ready to start flight. She knew she had a really good chance of making it to the porch where she can at least scream bloody murder if anything happens.
There was another crunch, and it sounded like the person was done being sneaky, they knew she knew, and she knew they knew. With out even thinking she just bolted. She didn't look, she didn't want too, she just ran and ran. When she made it back to the porch she threw the door open, not caring if she woke up her parents and she would be caught. Being in trouble is better than being kidnapped.
You know for your kid, she had a hell of a lot more self preservation skills than you did.
She ran inside and quickly, forcefully shut the door behind her, locking and dead-bolting it. She stood with her back pressed against the door, away from the windows, flattening herself against it. She could hear her heart in her ears, and could feel the unevenness. She was panting hard, like she couldn't breathe, all the oxygen in the world couldn't be enough. As the adrenaline started to flow freely she felt her body shake in the way it does right before something bad is about to happen, or right when it ends. She slowly began to slide down the door, sitting criss cross on the floor in front of it, grabbing her chest and panting.
"Jesus Christ..." she thought. "How stupid"
As she gathered herself a bit, wondering if she over reacted or not, weed does sometimes make her paranoid, she swore, she could hear the foot steps again, but this time on the porch.
Tap
Tap
Tap
She could hear it, plain as day, no paranoia involved at all. someone was outside, and they were right behind this relatively thin piece of wood.
She swore to god as her heart jumped right into her throat and jumped up and darted into the kitchen. Where she fumbled around, making all sorts of noise, looking for a knife.
Right as she got it, the hallway lights turned on.
"Kaitlyn?" Her mothers voice sounded tired "are you up? Whats wrong?"
"Yeah its me" she sighed "i had a nightmare"
"Oh honey again?" Her mother sounded tired, sad and empathic. "Im sorry sweetie, do you need any help? Wanna sleep in the living room?"
"No ill be alright" she said resigning herself to a sleepless night. "Im going back to bed"
Taking her knife, and turning every single light on in the house as she went, she made her way back to her room, and double checked the locks. She popped a few sleeping pills in her mouth, and chewed them so they would hit her faster. She went into her closet where she kept her emergency vodka, and chugged a few burning gulps, chasing it with water. She gagged a bit, but everything was down, and she crawled into bed.
She shoved her headphones in her ears, and shut her eyes, pulling the blanket over her head, forming a comforting cocoon.
Don't think about it
Don't think about it
Don't think about it
Played over and over in her head, until the pills and vodka did their magic, and she drifted off into a heavy, dreamless, and incoherent sleep.
...
The next day the alarm screamed at her, knocked her clear out of a medicated state, leaving her drowsy and slightly hungover. This was actually her third alarm and the only reason she woke up, is because the three went off in increments of two minutes, leaving her trapped with the noise and having to forcefully wake up.
She sat up, her head felt like concrete, and she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. It kept coming back though, and it felt like she was stuck in a puddle of thick syrup.
She sat up for a while, looking at her phone, waiting for the rest of her brain to wake up, it was normal for her. This is how she woke up, every single day, but it seemed like the alcohol did make it a bit worse.
She was finally able to get out of bed, and walk to the kitchen, feeling like she was fighting against a river current, but she made it eventually. She poured her coffee, and continued up the impossible feeling journey to the bathroom to get ready for school. She washed her face, the water waking her up a bit, bushed her teeth, and headed back to her room to get dressed.
She walked to the bus stop, stopping a little bit away from home to stop, and light up a cigarette for the rest of her walk. You would smile, she looked just like you when you were a high schooler. There's something about nicotine and the lasting effects of sleep medication, it just really wakes you up, better than caffeine.
Right as she got to the stop, she stomped out her cigarette and just waited. She sighed, not really ready for the day, needing another cigarette right as the bus pulled up.
What unfortunate timing.
...
Sometimes she thought about you, i mean, she knew, she had always known. Her parents never hid the fact she was adopted. the truth would have come out right when she gained consciousness anyway, she looked nothing like them, but they were here parents and she loved them as such.
But you always wonder, don't you? You wonder what could have been. She didn't even know your name, she had absolutely no pictures, only a fake name that the hospital figured out quickly once you burst out of their doors like a bat out of hell.
She looked like a person who she didn't even know the name of and theres a certain kind of pain and grief that comes with that. Sometimes when she was sitting in class, thoughts bouncing off those walls littered in educational posters, as the teacher spoke about the exact same thing on page 138, she wondered what your favorite subject was.
Was it math? Maybe, she was ok with math but she didn't like the repetitiveness of it.
History? She liked history, but she wasn't super into it.
Chemistry? Yuck, biology? She loved biology, but she thought that most people did as well as compared to chemistry.
Art? She was pretty involved in art and art club, but she always attributed that to her dad and her drawing together as kids.
English...? Well, that certainly was your favorite subject when you did bother to care about anything at all. She loved english too, and when she was younger, she used to write about finding you.
Now this wasn't about a lack of love from her parents she had now, she loved them, they were her *parents* yet, she wanted to know you, she wanted to meet the person staring back at her in the mirror.
So she wrote stories about finding out you were a movie star.. at the start of your career when you became pregnant and had to make a choice, your dream or the baby. How you promised yourself you would come in contact with your baby as soon as you made it big, yet the adoption agency lost the paperwork work in a fire, but at a chance meet and greet you see her. You instantly lock eyes and you both just know.
Or, about how you were a spy and who got pregnant during the most important and dangerous mission on your life. Not wanting you or your daughter to be on the run or being caught up this high stress life, you gave her up and would find her when she was 18, to see if she would want to join the family trade.
Or, her favorite story, that you were a princess in some far away land, and that you paid these people to raise her, so she wouldn't grow up spoiled and understand the working class needs. That one day you would come for her, your now beautiful queen dress and crown, welcoming her to her new kingdom and life.
But in reality she knew you were a normal person, most likely, in a bad situation, who just couldn't take care of a baby. She didn't blame you, and she understood, but it didn't take away from the pain of not knowing you. Somedays it felt like she would never know you, or where she came from, it would forever feel like she was a patch of cloth ripped from one blanket and sown to the other. She loved her parents, and she was beyond appreciative for everything they gave her, but it was the not knowing that really started to nag. Especially after all of these feelings started bubbling out, and it felt like she wanted to rip off her own skin.
Her parents were normal people, they didn't deserve to have this mess that they thought was a normal baby when they first got it, or this is what she told herself.
And this is what she thought about, over and over and over. She felt like she was wearing out her welcome with her own family, that the only people who would understand, were the people who created her. So she wanted to find them, but, there was nothing.
You never even signed her birth certificate.
No address, no picture, no name, nothing, you were a ghost to her. She wasn't a ghost to you though, and you would have been so happy to see her, the beautiful thing you have created from the ugliness of your life with Jeff. You just wish you could have stayed longer with her, maybe at least to her fifth birthday, so you could really see the creepy similarities between you two.
You should be proud of yourself, you know, it wasn't easy making the decision you did, and you know she understands why you did it.
Because when she does think of you, with out the rose colored memories of childhood and wishful thinking of who you could have been, she knows who you really were
A scared person, in a bad situation, who decided that the situation ended with you, you would not bring her into it, and that makes her smile, because thats when she feels a mothers love. So when shes bored in class, especially on an emotionally charged day like today, she thinks of you, and wonders if she was in your position what she would have done.
....
It had been a few weeks, and Jeff hadn't been back to her house yet. He didn't know why he cared, or why he couldn't just get up off his lazy ass and go, but he just couldn't. Every time he turned on to her street, he felt this weird feeling.
This... painful? Feeling. It started at the bottom of his stomach, it felt sorta like a burning, like when you drink too much too fast, but it builds, and builds. It coats his stomach, and feels white hot, then cold, then hot, then his heart starts beating, like it does when you hit a particularly fat line. Then the slight shakes, like what he remembers nervousness to feel like.
Nervous?
Him?
No.
Not him.
But then why hasn't he gone back?
"Shes scared of me"
That was one of the last memories he has with you. You told him that she wasn't scared, but that was a lie wasn't it? She was scared of him.
How can someone who looks like you, talks like you, acts like you, be scared of him? You weren't like the rest, sure, you got scared of him sometimes but his overall presence didn't bring utter terror. He didn't like this, it made him feel another weird feeling.... just an overall sense of bad. Like, he felt bad... at... himself? Like he was the cause of his negative emotions? Weird feeling, one he hadn't felt in a while.
Then it was the passage of time. Seeing her was a reminder of how long you had been gone. It feels and seems like, to him, that whole day was yesterday. He can remember how cold your skin felt, and the mixture between blue, purple and red the color of your lips were when he found you. Seeing her reminded him of when you, and him, were young. How it felt like you both you, in your fucked up way, just clicked together and how you guys just always would, forever. Well, until you decided to check out early.
Man, that brought on a feeling that Jeff has been trying to escape for years, decades even pain. He never felt a greater pain, than when he first saw her, after all of those years. It sorta felt like he got you back, just for a moment. The first thing he thought when he saw her was "man, its a good thing she looks like you" Because thats the only way someone like him, could create something as beautiful as her.
He smiled when he thought of her, and he thought to himself how you would have loved her. Then for like a split second, how grateful he was that you took her when you did. You were right, she was a good, quiet baby, and the people who did get her were very lucky.
Even if Kaitlyn didn't think so.
For a long time, he tried not to think about you. The shock, he thinks, only really wore off a few years ago. He threw himself into all the old things you guys would do together, drugs, drinking himself oblivion, waking up with blood all over him, covered in whoever or whatever happened last night. Then when that didn't work he ran, he moved from town to town, far away from the town you guys lasts shared together. Everything and everyone reminded him of you, he couldn't run. Soon, he found that nothing worked, no distraction, nothing, and it was like you had died all over again.
There was nothing to spare him from the full weight of grief that he had been hiding from, and so he fell, deeply and almost permanently into what can only be called depression, not doing much but throwing on your favorite TV shows, and pretending you were still there.
Until he saw her, and it was really only by chance.
After another night of drinking himself into another blackout, jeff woke up in a ditch in some sort of residential neighborhood. It was the early hours of the morning, and this hangover was the worst he felt in weeks, his scars were hurting and everything seem particularly horrible this morning.
Then he heard walking, and the flick of a lighter. He sat up a bit, looking out of the ditch but still staying hidden. He could smell the tobacco and suddenly she was there, a perfect image of you, younger you, walking towards the bus stop, smoking and flicking her ashes like she didn't care who saw. His heart stopped just for a second, and tears involuntarily fell down his face. Jeff didn't cry, he never cried, but its like his body betrayed him, and the feeling of relief and joy was too much to bear. It pushed him to get up, and his bones cracked under the weight of himself, the decay he's done to his body, and the pain of drinking 5 bottles of vodka with a 12 hour period.
She couldn't hear him, she had her headphones in, something her parents nagged her not to do.
"What if someone is behind you? What if they try to hurt you? You can't prepare yourself or hear it coming!"
In this town though? No, nothing like that would happen. The worst thing that could happen to a girl was getting felt up and coerced into into sleeping with the town dealers.
He just watched her, trailing behind, hiding himself with in the trees. It felt weird, stalking without a purpose, without the gratification of knowing that his next "hit" his next victim was only a few minutes away from fulfilling his violent needs. He followed her for many 5 minutes? 10? It felt like forever. The sun was getting brighter and brighter, and the light burned his eyes. Soon though, she stopped at a sign, leaning up against it, and taking out another cigarette.
She place it to her lips, and she took out her lighter, flicking it and burning the end of the cigarette. Inhaling and exhaling, as she scrolled on her phone, absorbed in her own world. He didn't like seeing her chain smoke, it made him feel... well... he didn't know, he just didn't like it. Then he realized, he didn't want her smoking at all.
That suddenly realization made him want to jump out from his hiding spot, walk up to her and slap that cigarette right out of her hand. How dare she ruin the lungs that you have her? And that was a weird thought. Why did he care? Why was he feeling this way? He, in reality, didn't even know her. Yet, with every puff, this feeling grew and grew, until he couldn't bare it anymore.
"Oh shit!" She mumbled, probably louder than she anticipated, probably due to the music blasting in her ears. She stomped out her cigarette, right before the bus pulled up, popping a mint in her mouth while the door opened on its squeaking hinges.
He just watched her go... too frozen to move. Man... he has thought of this day so many times... he's dreamed of it, tried desperately to find it... but he just stumbled upon it... and now he didn't know what to do.
So he didn't do anything... naturally...
....
All he did was sleep, drink, sometimes eat... and watch her sleep occasionally. He seemed happy like that... he didn't mind that he had to be with her from afar... as long that he could keep on eye on her. It didn't feel... necessarily deserved... he knew... somewhere deep and painfully... that her "new" parents were doing a good job at watching over her and that he was the disruption in her life. He didn't like to think about it though, so every time the thought came back up, he just started drinking again.
He felt... almost stupid... for the way he reacted that night. It had been a few weeks now... and he still felt.. well sorta weird. He didn't mean to say anything, it wasn't the first time he watched her... and he didn't know why he couldn't control his emotions. Maybe it's because she woke up... usually when he watched her, shes was out cold. He actually tried to wake her once... and he couldn't. She wouldn't even budge. If he didn't see her breathing, then he would have thought she was dead.
So why did she wake up that night? And why was it that night, out of all the nights, was the one he completely lost it. Maybe because it was the anniversary of when he lost you... he thought maybe being with someone who was half you would help him feel... like not downing a whole bottle of downers and mixing it with a full gallon of vodka. It didn't help though, if anything he just managed to scare her and sent her into a downwards spiral. Typical, she didn't even know him and he basically already started ruining her life.
He wondered... if he could get to know her, and how good of an idea that was. Maybe, he could have a partner in crime again, and he wouldn't be alone. Jeff hated being alone... he needed a warm body to be there with him. Throughout the years you were gone, he tried to replace you. He wasn't able to find a... willing participant, to find someone who wasn't scared of him, or the darkness. He wasn't young like he used to be, those years spent alone stripped him of his humanity and his charismaticness.
A few years into your death... he had kidnapped some girl he found walking home after sneaking out from a party. He looked like you, vaguely, but with stupid bleached hair. He held onto her for a few years, but she ultimately didn't cut it. He drank a lot during that time, she either ran away or he finished her off, he didn't remember. Oh well, nothing ever came of it. He must have finished her off. He rinsed a repeat two or three more times. Never felt the same but was a good way to kill a year or two of time.
But he eventually grew tired of it... and he stopped. He just went to drinking, and drugging and killing full time, and the life style eventually caught up with him. His body grew tired... hangovers lasted so much longer... and he had a harder and harder time getting up each day. His scars started hurting again... and he noticed that they would cycle through getting infected and healing. He was just... so tired, tried of running and tried of fighting... tired of traveling... just tired. He was slowing down... and he figured it would get worse and worse. But thats when he saw her... and it invigorated him.
He had a new reason to keep going... He didn't really know what that reason was... he didn't want to take her... he didn't want to rip her from her home... and her friends, he knew that wasn't a way to win her love or affections. He didn't want her to end up like him... or you... which is weird because he didn't see any problem with his lifestyle... but he wanted better for her.
He just... wanted to talk to her... to show her that he was there... he didn't know why, but he just wanted to know her. Maybe to test and she how different she was from you, he didn't know.
He was so mad at you for leaving... making him face this on his own. He needed you to talk to her... to tell her that he wasn't a bad guy... when she was a baby... you were able to convince her... how dare you leave him? You promised to be with him forever... and you just lied. You just left... leaving him alone... leaving her alone... how could you have done this to them?
Maybe thats why he broke down that night, and he couldn't control his emotions. Maybe thats why she woke up... because she was dreaming of you. Again... he didn't know... and he drank away any logical solution. He was tired of running... and he was tired of being... scared? Something needed to change... the shoe needed to drop.
(Check out some of my other stories! I updated them as well! One for the first time in 6 years! Stay tuned for the finale which should drop in the next few weeks!)