"It's impossible to make your eyes twinkle, if you aren't feeling twinkly yourself." -- Roald Dahl
Mina's POV:
I spent the remainder of our trip in a daze. I didn't call Shehzer up, because I was sure I'd blurt out the news if I heard his voice. I texted him as normally as I could.
I wanted to tell him in person.
I had often imagined having kids, but visions of stinky diapers, drools, and unidentifiable fluids made me cringe at the thought. I had wanted to delay this phase of my life as long as possible. Luckily, Shehzer had agreed. In fact he had been pretty adamant about it.
"We're still figuring stuff out. I don't want to bring an innocent kid into the mix." He had said, much to my relief.
My mother's ideas on parenthood had made me nervous; she practically raised me believing that every member of the male species wanted to procreate immediately after marriage. It was a relief to find out that my husband respected, and agreed with my decision to wait.
Not that it mattered anymore.
I absently patted my belly on the way.back home. A kid is growing in there! Freaky!
I tried imagining what it'd look like. Hmm...it felt like a boy to me. I don't know why, but I associated the word "parasite" with a boy.
EMV snipes, 'Here comes the sexist train. Choo Choooo!'
Surreal as it was, I kind of loved it. It was a piece of myself and Shehzer, I don't think I had a choice here.
"You have terrible timing Bean. Just like your Daddy." I whispered to it. This was the first time, I verbally acknowledged him. I felt a wave of an unexplicable emotion pass over me. He felt so much real-er now. I smiled gleefully; now I won't be talking to myself like a crazy person! There's a little bean in there, who'll be listening!
EMV states dryly, 'Like that's not crazy. You're talking to a blob of blood and skin.' I was only four weeks along, so I guess she was right.
It felt unreal that this little blip could change my life. It was like one of those "It could happen to you too" type commercials on TV. Y'know? The ones where they show this happy, perfect family driving along the road, singing cheesy road-trip songs, when BAM! There's a head-on collision with a U-Haul truck! Whoosh, Daddy goes flying out the windshield, because his seatbelt wasn't tied.
They're about how life can change in a moment, in ways that can redefine your existence, change your priorities.
That's how I felt. Changed.
.......
Shehzer picked me up from the airport, I was surprised to see Rania with him. It turned out that Mariam Auntie needed a couple of days to sort out a few logistical issues with her online business. Hence we were babysitting The Princess.
Auntie had started an online clothes business, so she often had to run to fix stuff at her designers' place, or the delivery people. I tried to be as supportive as possible, and she was so very grateful for the extra help, I felt humbled by it. Apparently, daughters-in-law in her circle of friends, and family were hardly respectful, or even bothered by their husband's families. Once Mariam Auntie confided to me that before our wedding, she had mentally prepared herself to "Lose her Son" after marriage. It was heartening for her to see me treat her as I would my own mother.
My Mom had raised me on Karma. Since I couldn't bear the thought of my own Ma struggling, it was impossible not to help out Mariam Auntie. In some ways, I found that it didn't take a lot to make someone's day.
"Hey kitten! Did you two have fun without me?" I hugged her, as she squealed. Shehzer pretended to pout, "What? No hug for your man?"
"My man will have to wait until we're home." I chirped back. I couldn't stop smiling. It was exciting having a secret! I wanted shout it from the airport speakers, but I also wanted to prolong the sweet anticipation. This was going to be our secret for now, so I couldn't say anything in front of kitten.
When we got home, I was in for a surprise. Our living room, foyer, and dining area were filled with balloons, flowers, and streamers.
"Oh my gosh! Is this for me?" I squeaked. Rania was skipping with excitement.
"Minnna, I blowed the bawoons!! And they're for your love birthday!" Rania giggled with excitement, pulling me along to show off the slightly smushed ribbons, and hand-drawn posters hanging from the flatscreen.
"We worked pretty hard on it today. Even though it's a day late..." Shehzer leaned to whisper in my ear, "Happy half anniversary love. I am honored to be yours."
Tears sprang into my eyes at his gesture. I blubbered out thank-yous as I hugged them both. My emotions were all hay-wired. A pregnancy thing, I had discovered. The morning sickness was an added travesty, though it wasn't morning sickness in my case, it was more like evening sickness. I had researched a lot about this on my phone during the flight back. Apparently, the sickness will persist for a few more months before ceasing.
After having some cheese pizza for dinner, Rania and I settled for a Disney marathon on Netflix.
"Argh. God! Not this crap movie again!" Shehzer complained from the couch, making Rania perk up.
"Is crap a bad word Minna?" She asked me.
I grinned, "Yep!"
Shehzer sighed, opening his wallet to deposit a dollar in Rania's hand. The swear jar was a mini bank now. Pretty soon, small developing countries will start taking loans from it.
"Great. I'm stuck watching irrational movies with two fluff-loving females. And I can't even curse." Shehzer rolled his eyes as the opening credits for Cinderella rolled in.
"Hey! Cindy's a classic kay? I grew up on these movies!" I threw some popcorn at him.
"Yeah, right! A mindless twit, who can't even hold onto a pair of shoes, and she needs a guy in tights to find them for her." He snorted. "Classic delusional case, with all the speaking to animals thing. I would recommend detox, babe. The girl has serious drug issues."
We lapse into our usual disney arguments, with me supporting my favorite childhood films.
"How can you not like Beauty and the Beast? It's my favorite!" I demand.
"Two words love... Stockholm. Syndrome." He smirked, knowing he was winning.
I sighed, "I'm almost scared to mention, A little Mermaid."
"Ha. The guy finds a mute, naked girl on the beach and goes, 'Yep. Seems legit. I'll put a ring on it!' Seriously? What sort of message is that?" he laughs at my scowl.
"Snow White?"
"Takes candies from strangers, lives with seven men alone in the woods, and her prince is into necrophelia-the whole kissing dead people thing? I mean, W-T-F?" He shrugs innocently at me.
"Mulan!" I bring out the big guns, smirking because this one was flawless. The protagonist was a strong feminine character, very bad-ass and adorable. A real role model. She didn't wait for her prince to save her. She saved him, and CHINA!
"Hmm. Okay, you got me. Even though she is a cross-dressing tomboy, she's kind of hot, what with all the kung-fu moves." He pulls me to snuggle with him, Rania was engrossed in the film, so I allowed him to nuzzle my neck. "I missed you" he whispered against my skin.
"Okay. Enough touching. Your sister is right here." I tried to wriggle away, but he tucked me securely beside him.
"She'll be asleep before your Twiterella crashes that party," his voice deepened, "I can't wait to get you alone, until then."
I bit my lip nervously, as I studied his handsome profile. How will you take this news? before I could ponder too much on it, I felt the tell-tale signs if nausea. Argh!! Not now, Bean!
Then, it just got worse. I tried to duck out of his arms, but Shehzer playfully jerked me back to him. I breathed through my nose multiple times, trying to control it. I rarely get sick, so I don't want to alarm him.
"I...really need to go!" I gasped, and ran straight for our room, barely locking it shut before throwing up in our sink. I ran the water on full blast to mask the sounds.
The knock on the door surprised me. I could see the knob twisting. "Mina! Baby? Are you okay?" Shehzer's panicked voice came muffled through the wood.
"I'm okay." I whimpered weakly, retching some more. I hated these spells!
"Are you sick?" He almost yelled with worry. "Let me in!"
I ignored him, and waited until I felt normal. After multiple mouth wash regimens, I creaked open the door to see his pale, concerned face.
"What's wrong with you love? Was the pizza too heavy?" He brushed my clammy face with his fingers. "Do you need Antacids?"
"I'm fine Shehzer!" I grin weakly back at him, "In fact, I'm more than fine,"
He nods curiously, bending down to brush his mouth along my jaw, "You still need to lie down. It's probably travel sickness..."
"Nope! Not travel sickness" I giggled, kissing his jaw back. He stilled with his arm around my waist, and draws back to look expressionlessly at my face.
"What do you mean?" His tone is wary. As if he's afraid to know.
"Ahem. Shehzer. I know this is unexpected, but Allah does have the bigger plans, y'know?" I cup his face gently, smiling into his eyes "We're going to be parents! Inshallah."
His face turns cold under my very hands. His expression one of panic, hurt and iciness. He jerks out of my arms, as if he can't bear to touch me. My heart siezes at his reaction.
"You have got to be kidding me!" He spits out.
I am breaking inside.
And he knows it.
Shehzer's POV:
When Mina was about to leave for her trip, I was upset. The silly anniversary excuse I gave her was just that; an excuse. Truth was that I needed her with me. My father's reappearance in my life had shaken me. Reminded me of all the things I can never run away from; my blood being foremost among them.
"You will be at the wedding, even if I have to drag you there," his cold voice over the phone call had failed to impress me this time. I realized I had grown up. No longer intimidated, or crowed by him.
"Is this how you're sending invites? Dad?" I chew out, "You are shameless! Your grown son just got married, and you're eager to remarry, now? At your age?"
"Mind your tone with me BOY! I am still your father, whether you accept it or not. And I have every right to remarry, when, and whomever I wish." He gritted back, reminding me of our reluctant relationship. "You grew up on my money, my care, under my name! How dare you deny me?"
"You may have supplied the sperm, and logistics, Mr. Khan, but that doesn't make you my father," I spat at him, "I don't want to hear from you ever again. You died for us, the day you rejected my sister. And we've been doing very much okay without your ugly presence,"
He started laughing at that. The bastard.
"You-you are so much like me Shehzer. Its incredible!" He chortled back, "I missed you, my son."
I saw red at that, "Shut up! I am nothing like you!"
"Oh, but you are. Your stubborness, your steely determination. You get it from me of course. Your mother was always such a weak-willed, foolish woman. I have been keeping tabs on you, and I love how you've grown."His voice is actually bursting with pride. It makes me sick.
"I learned to grow without you. Thank you very much for leaving our lives when you did, because it ensured that I turned out to be nothing like you." My words only serve to amuse him.
"Deny it all you like son. You're my flesh and blood. Mine. You can never escape that," He stated, "How do you think you'd feel if you were saddled with someone like your sister? You have it in your genes too. Your kid could turn out like her. I'll see then; how you handle that,"
"I sure as fuck wouldn't run away from it. Like you did, you coward!"
It pierces me right in my insecurities. His predictions. What if I turn out like him? What if I'm a terrible father?
"You're being dense for no reason, my boy. I don't hate you, nor do I wish to stay out of your life. I just don't feel ready to accept your sister. Maybe in time I might...but the fact remains, that she was your mother's fault. I know this condition runs in her family, and she probably passed it onto your future kids." His words are boiling my insides.
"You should stop talking. Now." I murmur dangerously, "Don't ever call me on this number again. I am dead for you."
I hung up before he could poison me further. His words stuck to me though...
You're just like me...
I remember my early childhood, when things were different. I was his pride and joy, and he was my hero. I puffed up with pride whenever elders pinched my cheek, comparing me to my Dad.
"He's just like Arshad!"
"A chip of the old block? Eh?"
"You're like a mini-version of your Dad!"
The memories make me sick now. It's a Nature Vs. Nurture dilemma. I can't completely ignore the possibility that he's right. I am his son. He is the only paternal figure I grew up with. What if I'm the same?
My heart sinks when I think of my wife. She will want kids soon, she's just the type. At present she's convinced she isn't ready for motherhood, but it won't be the same forever.
How do I tell her I don't want kids anytime soon? I don't think I'm ready to make some poor innocent kid miserable.
I have the genetic lottery for DNS too apparently. Not that it worries me, but what if she can't handle a possible DNS baby? What if it breaks us apart?
I shudder at the possibility of losing her. I can't lose her. She's my life.
With this insecure preamble screwing my brains all week, we come to an ironic moment.
"We're going to be parents Shehzer!" She tells me. Stars shining in her huge eyes. She looked serene. Beautiful. More calm than I've ever seen her. She was ready for it.
Parenthood.
Too bad I wasn't.
"You've got to be kidding me!" I jerk out of her arms, my simmering insecurities rising to surface. I felt cheated. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. We're supposed to decide this together, dammit!
"How could you be so irresponsible Mina? You told me you were on birth control!" I raise an accusing finger to her.
Her eyes grow huge at my words; it's like I can see her heart break in them, all the way down to her chest. But I don't stop there, "You're not ready for a kid, look at you! So immature! How can you be a mother with this attitude?"
"Shehzer? Is this really you?" She starts crying. Dry, heaving sobs. My heart twists in protest at the sight. I cannot stand a woman's tears. Maybe it has something to do with watching my Mom cry for my Dad. I grit my teeth as she covers her mouth to hide the sound for Rania's benefit, doubling over with pain.
"For God's sake, stop crying! You know I can't stand tears!" my words come out a little too sharply than I intended. She bites her trembling lip to stop the sound, looking up at me with a million accusations. Something snaps within those blue depths.
She strides up to me, and backhands me across my cheek. I numbly touch the stinging spot.
"You bastard. If you hate my tears so much, you shouldn't make me cry!" She is like a tiny virago. An enraged goddess. I can't look away.
"I didn't download my baby from the internet, you asshole. You helped in the process too!" She is pretty much yelling at me now, "Do I need to remind you how babies are born? Doctor? Did no one have the birds and bees talk with you before?"
She raises her hand to slap me again, but I catch her arm.
"I know how it works, but we agreed to wait Mina! We're not ready yet! I-you're not ready yet."
Tears glistened once again in her eyes. Making me hate myself.
"Yes you made it perfectly clear, how you feel about my immaturity. It's too late for you now though. Your child will have to do with an inadequate mother." she whispered brokenly before leaving me alone in our room.
Do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?
An Oedipus moment of sorts?
You should. Because it is happening.
I just proved my father right.
I turned into him.
A/N:
Okay, then.
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