"Santa's Village?" Yunjin breathes out, eyes growing wide, staring at the lights strung up around them, covering the peaks of the little tents that had cropped up in the middle of a large expanse of land. She turns to Kazuha, hands balled up in her pockets, smile curling the corners of her mouth. "You brought me to Santa's Village?"
Kazuha's smile is as nervous as can be. "Yeah. Do you like it?"
"Do I– Kazuha," Yunjin breathes out, reaching over to wrap her hands in the lapels of Kazuha's jacket and pulling her in closer. "Holy shit, I love it."
"Yeah?"
Kazuha brings their faces closer together and fuck, this is really not good for Yunjin's heart. No strings attached, and yet Yunjin is being tangled further and further in a web of her own making. Kazuha wraps her arms around Yunjin's waist, bringing her in until their mouths meet. And yeah. Yunjin is kinda done for. They kiss without urgency, without pressure, without the expectation for more. Yunjin wonders if she's slipping up— if Kazuha can taste the desperation dripping through the cracks of her facade when she kisses her deep enough. It's not like they haven't kissed just for the sake of kissing before, but this one tastes different. Yunjin can't tell if it's because they're standing in the middle of a million Santa's or if it's because Kazuha's trying to tell her something.
It's probably the former.
Yunjin pulls away with a smile and lets her eyes flutter open groggily. "It's kinda weird to kiss when ol' Saint Nick is glaring at me over your shoulder."
Kazuha glances at him, and yes there is a full grown man there peeping at them, before tucking Yunjin under her arm and walking deeper into the village. "Well, fuck him. Let's go celebrate an early Christmas, hm?"
And then that's exactly what they do. Kazuha splurges, they dip from stall to stall, grabbing food from some of them (Kazuha smears chocolate over her chin and Yunjin barely keeps herself from leaning over and licking it off. They're in public after all). It's atrocious, heart-stopping, artery-clogging food and Kazuha mumbles something about how she's going to have to spend extra time at the gym after every single one, but they giggle and shove it down their gullets anywho. It's not Christmas without presents, however, which means anything Yunjin looks at, Kazuha buys for her. It's how she ends up with an armful of tiny santas and with a random assortment of kitchen items in various christmas colors.
(I really don't need this, Yunjin laughs in protest as Kazuha shoves multiple whisks into her arms and says, well you never know, what if the world is ending and the only way to save yourself is by having exactly four green whisks? It's silly and stupid and Yunjin thinks she might just be a little in love.)
Kazuha insists that she carry all of it, which ends up making her look like a fool and Yunjin can't stop laughing because you'd think a girl standing at five foot ten inches would be able to hold a heavy plastic bag without toppling over. Weight lifting isn't your forte baby, Yunjin has to say as she gingerly takes the bags back and Kazuha walks next to her with a pout and crossed arms for the next five minutes. It's very cute, honestly, and it's making Yunjin feel a little off-kilter because, well, this is a date, isn't it? Spending your money on someone, trying to hold their bags for them, walking around under pretty lights and kissing in front of ogling Santa's... it's a Hallmark movie, for crying out loud.
They end up stashing their bags on a bench next to a woman with a baby stroller (she looks trustworthy enough to not run off with Yunjin's precious whisks and other kitchen goods) and Kazuha shells out another hundred-something dollars to get them skates for the annual ice rink that's been set up in the middle of the village.
"I have to warn you," Yunjin says, slowly, as she slips her skates on. "I'm gonna be really fucking bad at this because I've never skated a day in my life."
"No worries," Kazuha laces the boots up with ease, as if she's done it a hundred times before. "My parents wanted me to be good at all things beautiful and feminine, so I have about nine years of ice skating training under my belt."
Yunjin blinks. And then whistles, long and low. "Didn't know I was fucking ice skating royalty."
Kazuha rolls her eyes before shaking out her hands and standing. "I'll do a spin and then come get you?"
Seeing as how Yunjin is still struggling with lacing up her boots and how she's too prideful to ask Kazuha for help— she nods and waves the taller girl off. "Sure, sure, I'll see you in a bit."
Kazuha spares her one last dubious glance before elegantly slipping into the rink, and Yunjin watches her for a second, all grace and long limbs, twirling around the adults and children alike. It's only when her heart hiccups uncomfortably in her chest with the reminder that this is not a date and Kazuha does not like her like that — even if she was all chivalrous and charming the entire time — that Yunjin looks back down at the limp strings in her hands and goes back to lacing them.
A million and one thoughts.
That's how many she has.
It's about a million more than she's used to having.
She's so caught up in them that she doesn't even look up again until her skates are fastened to her feet tightly; which means it's entirely a jumpscare when she scans the crowd for Kazuha and finds her pressed up against the wall of the rink, bracketed on one side by a girl who's just a little too close for comfort.
Yunjin's heart falls to her toes.
She wouldn't be flirting with another girl in front of me, would she?
It can't be. Kazuha's not like that. And sure, maybe Yunjin hadn't known Kazuha long enough to be making those kinds of judgment calls, but it just feels... Well, it feels illegal, but Yunjin knows that's dramatic. What it really feels like, though, is cheating. Which is silly, and stupid, because they're not together, and Yunjin doesn't even know if that girl is anything to Kazuha.
Every single reminder of that is like rubbing her face on sandpaper. It's humiliating to be so smitten over someone who doesn't want the same from her.
So she ambles out onto the rink, slipping and sliding and gripping the wall for dear life, and makes it out to Kazuha. (She looks surprised to see Yunjin— surprised and guilty. That only makes the sinking feeling in Yunjin's stomach worse.)
"Hey, guys," she breathes heavily, barely holding herself up using the wall. Kazuha's eyebrows shoot to her hairline before she's skating away from the girl and grabbing Yunjin's forearms.
"Yunjin," she shakes her head, worried. "You should've waited for me to come get you."
The girl behind her tilts her head to the side, eyes narrow, and Yunjin hates the way she's looking at them. Looking at her. As if she's competition. As if they're fighting over Kazuha. She doesn't even know Yunjin, for fuck sake. Besides, it's not like she's the one who's been sleeping with Kazuha for the last two months, so even if it was a competition, clearly Yunjin's the one winning.
"Who's your friend?" Yunjin asks, smiling bitterly.
Kazuha blinks, as if she's only just remembered the other girl. "Oh, this is— uh, this is Karina," still holding Yunjin's forearm she twists out of the way to introduce the two girls. "Karina, this is Yunjin. My friend."
Before Yunjin has the chance to say anything, Karina draped herself over Kazuha's free shoulder, batting her lashes. "Yunjin, Kazuha's never mentioned you before. New friend?"
"Uh," Yunjin blinks. "Yeah— yeah, something like that."
"Well, Kazuha and I go way back, isn't that right, Zuha?"
Kazuha gulps nervously, glancing between the two of them. "I mean, yeah— first year of college—"
"Right," Karina interrupts again, and god, Yunjin is really starting to hate her. "Kazuha and I met at a party. You know how that stuff goes, don't you, Yunjin?"
Yunjin's insides are red hot. She hates this feeling. She knows exactly what Karina means when she says she met Kazuha at a party, because that's exactly how she met Kazuha, too. On her knees. Braced against the bathroom sink. It's so crude, now that she thinks about it. Their meet cute was nothing but a quick college fuck. The same meet cute that Kazuha has, apparently, had with multiple other women already. And Yunjin knew this, god, she knew this because Chaewon and Minju had warned her about it. But it's so much worse seeing it face to face than acknowledging that it's just a truth of the past.
She smiles and nods. "Yeah, I know."
Karina sizes her up for a second, before deciding she's clearly no threat, and leans into Kazuha once more. "I'll see you around then, Zuha? Call me."
Kazuha manages a thin-lipped smile and a jerky nod. "Sure."
Sure.
Yunjin wants to run home. Curl up in bed. Delete Kazuha's number. Forget any of this ever even happened.
By the time Karina skates away, an uncomfortable silence has descended over the two of them. Kazuha stares down at where their arms are still joined, and taps her blades together.
"Sorry about that," she says finally, tugging on Yunjin's arm, guiding her further into the rink. Yunjin doesn't feel like going, she wants to turn around, wants to just go home. There's shame like a hot iron branding the back of her eyelids, and it feels like Kazuha can tell, too, by the way she tiptoes around Yunjin. "I didn't know she was going to be here."
Whatever Yunjin says next is out of her mouth before she can even consider the consequences of it. "Yeah, well, she doesn't have you like I do, does she?"
Kazuha stills so fast Yunjin doesn't have time to control her skates (not that she would have known how to do that anyways) and goes crashing into her side.
Shit, Yunjin thinks. Fuck. Now that it's out of her mouth, she hears how it sounds.
"I didn't–" she shakes her head, putting her hands up shakily, and god dammit, she wishes they were having this conversation when she wasn't constantly at risk of breaking her fucking teeth on the ice. "Not that you're mine or anything—"
She slides, trying to grab Kazuha's arms, and pitches forward.
For a moment, Yunjin thinks this is it. She thinks she's going to eat shit right in front everybody– right in front of the girl who she's probably most definitely in love with– and maybe this is what she gets for getting jealous over a girl who isn't even hers–
But the impact never comes.
Kazuha's arms are warm and her perfume clogs Yunjin's senses, instead of the ice rushing up to break her teeth. Yunjin blinks and glances up at Kazuha, who pointedly isn't looking at her. Yunjin gingerly pulls herself away, clearing her throat with red cheeks. Kazuha doesn't let her pull her hand away, but she assumes that's so that Yunjin doesn't cause anymore scenes like that.
Much later, when the silence has permeated into their bones and they're on the drive back home, with Yunjin's Christmas gifts in the backseat not even so much as rattling as if they're feeling the awkwardness too, Kazuha finally speaks up again.
"You said that your parents had never gotten you Christmas gifts. So. I wanted to take you out to do this tonight."
Yunjin stares down at her laced fingers in her lap, feeling worse with every passing second. Kazuha had wanted to do this for her. Kazuha had taken her out on this friend-date because she wanted to make Yunjin feel better, and all Yunjin had done was get jealous and then put herself on blast.
"Thank you."
Kazuha smiles, even though it looks a little strained. "Of course."
And for a moment, Kazuha fists her steering wheel hard enough that Yunjin thinks she's on the brink of something— something big, something like a... confession— but then she relaxes her shoulders and the moment passes.
Kazuha reaches over and untangles the hands in her lap, lacing their fingers together instead, and Yunjin melts under the attention. She's always been a sucker for Kazuha's warmth, for the softness of her demeanor and the way she rolls her head to the side for a moment to glance at Yunjin.
When they roll into the parking space in front of Yunjin's apartment, Kazuha insists that she walks Yunjin to the doorstep, which makes her feel hot right down to the tips of her toes. (Again, it feels like a date, and it's pounding its big fists against the very bones of Yunjin's rib cage. She can't hold this in, she can't—)
Somehow, they're in front of Yunjin's door in what seems like a blink of an eye, and even though the last hour of their date was an absolute shit show Yunjin finds herself disappointed that the night has come to an end. Kazuha had looked so cute, wrapped head to toe in jackets and scarves and gloves. She hadn't spent enough time appreciating it, she'd spent too much time, instead, worrying whether or not it was a date at all.
"So," she breathes, leaning against her door, one hand on the handle.
"So," Kazuha intones, stepping closer, hands on Yunjin's waist. "Did you enjoy tonight?"
"So much." Yunjin relaxes into her body, stomach turning over, guts bubbling. "Thank you, again, for doing that. I didn't— it was very sweet."
And then, Kazuha kisses her. Real and deep, but soft. Kissing Kazuha always feels a little bit like having her knees kicked from behind— the way kids used to do in elementary school to make you fold— and it feels like that this time too, only much worse. Because suddenly Yunjin is leaning up to fist Kazuha's hair, and it feels like Kazuha's trying to tell her something with her tongue in Yunjin's mouth, and god is she reading too much into this?
Kazuha skims her mouth across Yunjin's jaw, letting the kiss linger over her skin, and Yunjin has half a mind to twist the doorknob and pull them both in. Let the night roll forward. Let Kazuha roll Yunjin over in the bed.
"Kazuha," Yunjin whispers, tugging at her hair. There's something building in her chest. Kazuha doesn't let up, humming in response, gripping Yunjin's hips harder, but not hard enough to hurt. "Kazuha, wait, stop."
She pulls away immediately, concerned.
"Are you okay?"
And fuck, Yunjin thinks, because she knows what's going to come out of her mouth before it actually spills out. Except it feels inevitable. She can't stop it. She won't. The jealousy from earlier comes rushing back, sticking to her throat like the bitter taste of a cigarette. She can't keep doing this. Can't keep wondering if Kazuha is truly hers and only hers. It'll only end up hurting both of them.
So she steps back, putting a little distance between them, because she can't say this with Kazuha so close. She needs to think. Needs to word this correctly.
"Um, alright, shit— I don't wanna fuck this up," Yunjin word vomits, wringing her wrists and staring at the ripped carpet between Kazuha's shoes and her own. Kazuha opens her mouth and then closes it, sensing more to come. "I was jealous, Kazuha. When Karina came up to you and acted like she knew you, like she had this part of you that I didn't know about, I was jealous. Like she had a claim over you because she'd slept with you once. I wanted to kick her fucking teeth in." Kazuha's mouth drops into a tiny 'o' at the sentence. Yunjin doesn't stop to giggle at it. If she doesn't get this out now, she never will. "And I guess— I guess I realized a while ago, but I thought I'd be okay with never doing anything about it, because I know you only wanted no strings attached. But I— I don't know, fuck man, I want you, Kazuha. All of you. I want to be able to tell girls like Karina to fuck off because we're something real."
She takes a deep breath, still staring down at her feet. She can't look up at Kazuha, can't bring herself to see what kind of expression she's making. She's not sure what she'll do with herself if she sees disgust, or worse– indifference.
"And I– I mean, we already sort of act like a couple don't we? We spend literally every single day together, I know that you like your coffee with five sugars and three creams, you know that I can't go to sleep unless there's white noise playing on my phone, and we haven't exactly spent longer than two days without seeing each other since we started sleeping together. Hell, even Chaewon and Minju have started knocking on my door before coming in case we're... you know, compromised."
The last part is meant to be funny, but she can't even find it in herself to smile, what with her heart being on the line and everything.
Kazuha is silent. So, so very silent. And she can't tell if it's because Kazuha's just really good at reading her, if she can tell there's more Yunjin wants to get off her chest, or if it's because she just doesn't have a response to any of it.
Yunjin rubs the back of her neck, suddenly feeling nauseous. "Man, I guess what I'm trying to say is– I like you, like— really, really like you. And I wouldn't–"
"Yunjin, I'm so sorry."
The interruption is so abrupt, Yunjin only barely catches herself from speaking over Kazuha.
She looks up, heart stilling in her chest. "What?"
Kazuha – god, she sees her for the first time, and she can't believe this was the face she was making the whole time. She looks scared. Terrified. Her hands are white knuckling the lapels of her jacket, and she won't look at Yunjin. Won't acknowledge her at all. This isn't the look of someone who's happy to hear what they've just been told. It isn't the look of someone about to jump in Yunjin's arms and profess her undying love. It's the look of someone who has already accepted defeat. The look of someone who is dreading what they're about to say. Yunjin feels the bile rise in her throat faster than anything else.
"I think– I think I gave you the wrong impression."
And everything is crashing down around Yunjin. Her ears are pulsing, the blood in her fingertips have gone cold, her throat is dry. She swallows thickly. "What?"
It seems like she's only really capable of saying that word.
Kazuha shakes her head, taking a step back, and Yunjin wants to believe it's hurting her to do this – if the tears in her eyes are anything to go by – but maybe she's just feeling guilty. Maybe she's just a good person and Yunjin completely misread the situation. "I can't– I should have stopped this long ago. I'm so sorry, Yunjin."
"Wait," Yunjin whispers, voice cracking. She'd been prepared for rejection, but this just seems– different. It seems final. "Kazuha, wait, I don't understand–"
"We can't, okay?" she says, already halfway down the hallway somehow. Her and her long legs. Yunjin used to adore that about her. "I said no strings for a reason, Yunjin. God, fuck."
Something raw rips inside of Yunjin. She'd known all along that there was a possibility that Kazuha wouldn't feel the same way – considering her reputation, and everything – but still, she'd hoped. She'd hoped because sometimes Kazuha looked at her unlike how anyone else has ever looked at Yunjin in her life. She'd hoped because sometimes Kazuha let things slip through the crack, sometimes she looked like she wanted to do more than just call Yunjin over for a late night fuck. Sometimes—
But she'd been wrong.
Clearly.
And it makes Yunjin feel achey all over again. An ache that hasn't been familiar to her in a really long time.
"Kazuha," she whimpers, and it's pathetic, but it's all she has.
Kazuha throws her a look over her shoulder– and there it is again, that thing that slips through the cracks. And Yunjin wants to say stop, she wants to yell, stop and tell me that that means nothing. That you've looked at all the other girls like that too.
In the end, she doesn't.
In the end, Kazuha just whispers, "I'm sorry."
And then leaves.
Yunjin realizes then, as she's standing all alone in her empty hallway, as every regret she's ever had in her life is suddenly rushing up to the surface with unrestrained force, why her chest had felt tight back in the car. Back when she had asked Kazuha if she was sleeping with anyone else. It had been because Kazuha hadn't asked her back. As if she hadn't cared. As if it didn't matter to her whether or not Yunjin was sleeping with other people because all she'd ever see Yunjin as is a good lay. Just a person to spend the time with. Not a future girlfriend, not someone to trade jokes with over dinner, not someone to hold in front of the fireplace as another year-long anniversary passes them by. Just another notch on the bedpost. An anecdote to tell a woman who would become her wife in the future – a woman who was definitely not Yunjin.
She clutches her chest over her shirt as her ears begin to ring