all too well | taylor swift
❝ 'cause there we are again when i loved you so
back before you lost the one real thing you've
ever known. it was rare, i was there, i remember it
all too well ❞
NADIA'S THE FIRST to be done with getting ready.
When she first told us she was making her dress three days before prom, I thought she was insane, that she could never do it. Not because I don't believe in her but because of how attentive and hard on herself I know she is.
I was wrong, obviously.
Her new prom dress, because she ended up donating the one she bought, is a reworking of the Versace midnight blue silk gown with godet inserts. Nadia's shorter than me but she's much slimmer so the dress makes her look taller.
It's a gorgeous dress for an even more gorgeous girl.
I don't think she understands just how beautiful she looks naturally, let alone dolled up. Her hair is out of her face in a refined Pamela Anderson bun, which draws attention to her soft yet contradictingly defined features.
There's also a diamond necklace around her neck with a dark-blue sapphire in the center. It's the royal blue Cartier necklace if I'm not mistaken, which makes her look like more of a monarch than she already does.
I go to compliment her for the thousandth time tonight but knocking on the door seizes my attention.
"I'll get it!" I call out, briefly eyeing the time that flashes across the T.V in Nadia's dorm. We all agreed to get ready here and give the Astralis's Amber and Mila's room.
I straighten up when I read five-thirty across the screen. Shit, I really need to get into my dress.
My makeup's been done for hours. The last round of makeup artists were Amber's. Whilst the rest of us stuck to a singular makeup artist and a different hairdresser, she had a whole team come in.
Trying to fit in as many people as we did, had been near impossible.
I brace my hand on the handle and press down to open the door, I do my best to not get my freshly manicured nails to bend.
"Hi, is Nadia Baelene here?" The man on the other side speaks before I even get a chance to say anything.
I look between the guy's dark eyes and his delivery uniform, "Um yeah, I'll go grab her." I push the door half-closed before turning my head over my shoulder and gesturing for Nadia to come over.
She isn't wearing her heels, so she picks up her dress from the bottom as she approaches me with furrowed brows. There's regality in her movement.
"Hi," she smiles once taking over my spot.
The delivery man does a once-over before sucking in a breath between his teeth. He barely looks a year older than us, so I'm not too inclined to punch him in the gut for admiring her.
Like I said, Nadia's a true beauty.
"Hello?" She tries again, searching his gaze with genuine concern. She's so unknowingly humble that it drives me insane.
"Oh, s—sorry," he stutters. "Where'd you want me to put this?"
It's only then I take notice of the handtruck that's by his feet. The mechanism has boxes stacked on top of each other, the one at the very top has flowers peeking out of the hollowness.
"Oh," Nadia draws back a little, and I know I'm clearly missing some key information. "Just on my desk, please."
The lighter-haired man eyes Nadia quizzically. "Um," he clears his throat and the both of us watch him flicker his eyes between us and outside of the hallway. "I don't think that's possible."
Nadia starts walking without any instructions, and I follow her out. My jaw hangs ajar when my eyes feast upon the scene.
Other students, undoubtedly aware of the commotion, are peeking their heads out of their dorms. They all sport the exact expression as me.
I can't see Nadia's face because she's standing ahead of me but I can guess that it's similar.
There's a row of delivery men and women, accompanied with handtrucks filled with boxes upon boxes of the same type of flowers.
They look like blush-pink roses but they aren't. My embarrassingly limited knowledge is more than prevalent in moments like these.
My feet silently drag me up so I'm toe to toe with Nads. "I thought your favorite color was blue?" I ask, shock still swarming my every feature.
Nadia slowly nods, "It is, but..." she swallows down emotion, "only because it was my dad's. Before I loved blue, I was a pink girl." She turns to me now and I can spot the out-of-body experience daze in her eyes. "He used to buy me pink ranunculuses for special occasions."
Ranunculuses? Yeah I've definitely never heard of that. It kind of sounds like a disease.
"She's being modest," Valé cuts in from behind us. I look over my shoulder to spot that she and Amber have both followed us out of the room. "He filled the Baelene's house with them. He said no matter anything, he'd be proud of whatever." A nostalgic smile spreads across her lips. "I used to have such bad hay fever because of it when I was a kid, then Kasper passed and," the smile withers away, "I never sneezed in Nadia's house again."
Nadia's still staring off into the distance when she asks the delivery people to bring the flowers into the dorm. It takes a while for them to distribute them.
There are flowers everywhere, on the windowsill, on Nadia and Mila's desks, on the vanities and even in the bathroom. The room looks like a page spread out of an Architectural Digest magazine, which is focused on a fairy or something.
"I can't believe my mom did this," Nadia mutters, as soon as the last handtruck is rolled out of the room.
"Not your mom," Amber pipes in.
Unlike me, Amber's dressed up. She's wearing a vintage Chanel dress with a silky white upper bodice. The rest of it is a stunning black, accompanied by a white bow at the back.
She's accessorized with pearls like the Audrey Hepburn admirer she is and her raven hair is curled at the tips which softens her usually fierce features.
She looks stunning, but there's never been doubt there. Amber has never suffered a bad hair, makeup, dress or anything superficial day.
She's perfect every day of the week every year. It must be exhausting.
"Huh?" Nadia says.
I turn to Amber who plucks out a card from the bouquet that's placed on Nadia's desk. "It's not from your mom."
"Who would send me these?"
"The only other person who remembers it," Valè says, coming to an early realisation. "Luca."
Amber nods, and without opening the white card that has 'Nadia' neatly sprawled across it, she passes it over.
We all watch in silence, as Nadia takes the card and delicately opens it. Her eyes carefully dance over the text written within. A small smile blooms across her lips as she keeps on reading.
"Is it from him?" I ask, breaking the frail silence.
Nadia nods, and the slightly setting sun illuminates the glassiness in her eyes.
"It's sweet," Valè is the one to surprisingly admit, looking over from the flowers to the card in her best friend's hands.
"He sure outdid Sage with the florals," Amber offers up, doing a quick turn on her heels.
"Sage did a whole step-up dance routine for you!" Nadia argues, sobering up from her moments felt melancholy.
Her reaction elicits my curiousness as to what Luca could have possibly written. He doesn't strike me as the poet type but then again, he's always surprised me. Whether it be bad or good is something I still have up for debate.
Amber points at all the ranunculuses in the room. "Luca bought out every floral shop in the county for you!"
Nadia's flush manages to show up even over her makeup. "Luca has a lot to make up for."
"Sage had a crush on you, Nadia." Amber deadpans.
"Oh my God Amber, he did not!" She disagrees, her fluster vivid.
A knock on the door silences the two girls. "I'll get that!" Valè smiles, obviously happy to slip away from the row.
From where we're standing none of us can see the person at the door, but Valè's instant laughter at whatever is said can only confirm who it is.
Amber straightens up, Nadia smiles at that and in turn so do I.
"Your boyfriend is here," I tease.
"He is not my boyfriend," Amber scoffs.
We all know she's giggling on the inside.
Valè steps to the side of the door which lo and beholds Sage. The blues in his eyes go non-existent the second his eyes fall on Amber. It should be studied, just how swiftly his pupils dilate.
Whilst he stares at Amber, I intake him. Sage looks good in his suit, it's white and well-fitted to the point that his broad swimmer build seems ever more toned than it already is. His dark blonde hair looks brushed back, by his fingers most likely. I don't think even a brush or product can contain Sage's waves, that's why some strays fall in front of his eyes.
"Happy birthday, Sage." Nadia and I say in sync as he steps into the dormitory.
"Girls," he smiles, "Thank you. You all look very pretty."
"You're such a sweet talker," Amber ridicules with a roll of her eyes.
Sage sees past her mask and offers her one of his boyish smiles as he makes his way to her. In her heels, Amber's a good inch or two taller than her five-foot-six self, but she still doesn't make a dent in nearing his height.
"I didn't know if you'd want a corsage so..." Amber's eyes look down at the white one that he's holding. "I can throw it out if you want," Sage lets her know. "It only took me like five hours of lining up outside the shop to get it," he mutters under his breath.
"Don't be ridiculous," she accepts it by reaching out her hand without the pearl bracelet. "Between you and Luca, there'll be no flowers left in the nation," she hums, as Sage slides it across her hand and onto her wrist.
"It's worth it."
She loses the battle of playing unaffected. "You're so lame," she smiles with a huff of amusement.
"Won you over though," he shrugs, flashing her a grin.
"Ugh," Amber waves off, "I'm disgusted," she irritatedly admits, but I see the genuine joy that tugs at her lips as she begins to walk out of the room.
"Yeah, yeah," he mocks before following her.
The rest of us watch them with delight.
Sage's hand rests on the handle on the other side of the door after Amber walks out, "Bye, girls," he nods with a cheeky smile.
"Bye, Sage," we chorus like the fans we are.
"He's so cute," Valè hums once the door clicks shut.
I turn toward her with a petulant pout. "Back off, he's Amber's."
The shorter girl rolls her eyes at that, "You know what I mean, you freak. Plus," she shrugs, battling a smile. "He isn't my type."
"Yeah?" Nadia muses, "Who is?"
"I could give out a guess but I'm unsure if missy over here is going to admit to it," I drawl.
Valè's eyes are borderline homicidal as she directs her gaze on me. "Don't be afraid Nai, share it."
"Since you aske—"
It should be comical how another string of knocks cut me off.
"If it's another flower delivery I'm going to die," I mutter, my taunting of Valè long gone now.
"You guys answered the other two, I'll get this," Nadia says, drawing closer toward the door.
I shouldn't be surprised as to who's on the other side when she opens it, but I am. Like I said earlier, the kid is full of surprises.
Nadia isn't standing in the center to block the view, she's to the left so when Luca Cathans is revealed, it's him whole.
I can envision Valè's eye roll from where I'm rooted. Despite any adversity towards Luca, I can admit that he's a good-looking guy even more so now in his suit. It's pretty humourous how close the shade of blue his tux is, matches Nadia's midnight blue dress.
Something I'm taking to the grave is that when I first came to Sterling, Luca was the first 'Heartbreaker' I saw, and in turn the one I had a crush on.
I thought his somberness was so attractive. The fact that he was presented as the 'untouchable,' one in his group in regards to hookups really put me on the 'I heart Luca' train as well.
Now, I'm more mortified than anything. I think I'd have to disappear if any of my friends found out that I ever liked the guy. It joins the plethora of embarrassing things I've chosen to die with.
"Oh," is the first word that tumbles out of his parted lips when he looks at Nadia. He sounds as if he's just been punctured, like he's in physical pain.
Nadia's brows drip, "Oh?" She repeats.
He nods, and I can tell he's in a trance. Luca's so obviously in love it's sickening. It's sweet too. "Um, you look great. Beautiful, really."
Nadia takes her bottom lips between and I have half the heart to tell her she's ruining her lipstick, but I don't. She can touch it up, she's got the products in her purse. "Thank you."
"Did you come here just to compliment her, Luca?" Valè deadpans.
I suppress the urge to snort at that.
"Oh right," he says, but it takes another few drawn-out seconds for him to start speaking. "Did you get the flowers?"
"I did," they hold each other's gazes for an eternally long amount of time. "Thank you, they're beautiful."
They talk like they don't know anyone else is in the room. The constant eye-contact they hold as they speak is so intense I momentarily look away.
It feels like I'm intruding on something I shouldn't be.
"Good," he nods, "I'm glad you like them."
Nadia's hands are fidgeting with the silver and sapphire ring on her ring finger. She's a bundle of nerves, that one. "Is that all?"
He shakes his head. "I know we aren't going together tonight," he begins, and I don't know if he notices but his voice always reaches a certain infliction when he's talking to her. "But I want to show you something. I was wondering if you'd come."
The poor girl is riddled stiff at that. After a few moments of gooey-lovey-dovey eye contact filled with tension, Nadia begins to speak. "Is it really important?" she asks in that saccharine tone of hers.
Luca stares at Nadia and something different flashes across his eyes. It's gone so quickly that I wonder if it'd been there at all. "Not if you have other things to do."
She half-shrugs at that, feigning calmness but I spot the well-hidden rigidity. "It's just that Nai and Vals aren't in their dresses yet. If I have time after that I can call you."
Luca nods, before pushing himself off of the side of the door. "Yeah, okay."
"See you later," she bids.
"Yeah," and then because he apparently isn't done, "I'll do that," he quips.
The door clicks closed and Nadia turns around. I scan her face to see if there's any reminiscence of sadness or dejection.
"You alright?" I ask, unsold by the air of tranquillity that's encapsulated her.
The dolled-up girl lets out a deep sigh, "Yeah, I am."
🂡 🂡 🂡
The text comes in after I'm fitted into my outfit.
Because I'm predictable and have loved green since I was four, its the colour of my dress — light green to be exact. The dress is satin and stops at a slit midway up my thigh, when the material continues it's frillier at the bottom and has translucent layers of the same pigment attached.
It's the same dress that Linda Evangelista wore at the Versace Spring-Summer 2004 show. Or at least that's what Nadia and Amber informed me.
I hadn't planned prom out so everything has been a bit last minute and with that my knowledge. It was Nadia who garnered the connections to get me the dress, Valè who shared her makeup artist with me and Amber who supplied her brutally honest opinions.
Atlas 🤍: meet me in my dorm
It's a five worded text and yet it's enough to have a smile bloom across my lips. I try to conceal my joy by biting my lip.
I slip my phone into my purse and walk out of the bathroom, not paying much mind to the pep in my step.
Valè's seated at Nadia's vanity holding up the prettiest diamond necklace I've ever seen in between her clavicles. There's no emerald, sapphire, ruby or any kind of gem attached to it. It's a purely diamond-lined necklace that catches my eye from all the way here.
"Nice necklace," I call out.
Valè jolts so back that she almost drops it against Nadia's white desk, she catches it at the last second though.
"Thanks," she shakily breathes out, feeling in from the horrific event that could've been.
"I've never seen it before," I comment. Granted, I'd never seen Nadia's necklace either but my gut tells me to prod on this though.
"I got it from prom," she murmurs, sitting up straighter as I draw closer.
"Ah," I nod, meeting her eyes in the mirror of the vanity. "So your parents unfroze your account?"
I spot Nadia's amused look in my peripheral vision. The girl remains quiet though.
To say Vals is in deep water with her parents would be the understatement of the century. We all are, but something tells me Valè's never been in trouble.
She's their good daughter who does her homework, keeps to her friends and doesn't cause trouble. Lord knows what they must've thought when it was their daughter's face and story plastered across every news channel, magazine, radio show and podcast.
"Still frozen over," she sighs, shaking her head. Her curly hair is slicked back into a parted high bun. There are two long curly pieces out at the front.
It's endearing how her and Nadia have similar hairstyles.
"Oh, so you bought it before?" I press, reaching out to see it.
She delicately passes it over to me. "Yeah."
Liar.
"It looks gorgeous," I hum, getting used to the heavy feeling of it on my palm. The lack of light coming from the setting sun doesn't take away from how sparkly it is. "I might have to get one. How much is it?" I casually ask.
She looks at me from underneath her lashes, "Nai," she knowingly remarks.
I feign confusion, "What?" I shrug, "If you bought it you should know how much for."
"That's a good point, Nayelie." The soft-spoken girl cuts in from her position on her bed.
Vals shoots Nadia a death glare and I know I've got her by her expression alone. "Fine," she begins to admit. "I didn't buy it."
I roll my eyes at that, "Yeah, I knew that genius."
The question of the hour is: who did? Valè's been very hush-hush but I know something's going on. The most obvious answer is Caleb, but until she admits anything I'm running under the assumption that it could be anyone.
A notification vibrates in my bag, reminding me of the very reason I even came out of the bathroom. I don't have to pull it out to know who's double-texted me.
"Do you mind If I leave for a little bit?" I ask both girls as Valè runs a finger over the diamonds of the necklace with a faraway expression. "I'll be back before we're supposed to leave. Promise."
I would offer to help her with her dress but Valè doesn't want to wear it until right before we have to leave. She's scared she's going to get it dirty or something.
There's a knowing look that flashes across her eyes but then she's looking back at the diamonds in her hands and effectively goes silent, "Yeah, okay."
"Stay safe!" Nadia calls out when I've got my back turnt to them.
🂡 🂡 🂡
I make my way to the club quarters in swift fashion. All kinds of people are running around with half-faces of makeup, one shoe, their hair still not done and so on. Everyone's so held up within their own lives, they barely notice me as I slip into Atlas's floor, let alone his room.
He's half-dressed when I walk into his dorm. My eyes roam his taut back that's covered in a black dress shirt, and then his matching slacks which are a good against his muscular thighs.
A fire begins to erupt at the pit of my stomach as I think of all the things I've gotten up to with him. To say Atlas is attractive would be devastating, he's more than that. Even now, without looking at his face I know he's hot and not because of preconceived knowledge but because of the way he simply carries himself.
He puts both the boys I've seen today to shame.
I'm silent as I awkwardly stand, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. Atlas turns around a beat later.
His eyes slightly widen before returning back to normality. "You look beautiful," he compliments.
"Thank you," I smile, pretending not to notice that his tie isn't green like he'd originally told me it'd be, but red instead. "I got into Dartmouth, and accepted it too," I let him know.
I received my acceptance this morning, and have been buzzing about since. I haven't said to the others, because the girls are yet to open theirs.
They don't want any rejections to get in their way of prom night.
"Congrats."
I search his dark eyes for any other response but stop once I realize nothing is coming. "Thanks," I sound cheerier than I am.
Is something wrong? He isn't as expressive as he normally is and don't get me wrong, I know Atlas McAllister is the last to be expressive but after the whole, 'I suck at being open but I do really care' speech that he did, he really has changed.
"You do know what it means, right?" I add.
There are two infamous legacy students in his friend group. Luca with Princeton, which is a done deal — something that boy desperately needs — and Atlas with Dartmouth.
The McAllister name is like royalty on that campus, especially with all the very generous donations that the family has generationally given.
He nods, but doesn't say anything.
I've never done well in silence, so as Atlas crosses the room I begin talking. Rambling, is the right term for it. I speak about everything and anything, my dress, the weather, why I've chosen to have my hair the way it is. I'm nearly down five minutes when I start talking about him, me, us.
"I know I fucked up your year and have done unforgivable things," even I'm not stupid enough to believe a simple apology is enough for the hell I caused his family in the media. "But you've been so so so understanding, and I think," I swallow down the jitters and the voices which are screaming at me to stop. I can have this, I tell myself. We are not like my parents. "I think if I could love anyone it'd be you."
Fuck. Did I just say that? I didn't even know I felt it. I mean I knew I did, but to say it? Oh shit. Oh shit. Shit. shit.
I don't regret it though because I really do mean it. I know that Sage asked Amber out, that Luca's forgiven Nadia now and the secret Valè and Caleb agenda but this is different.
Atlas's wanted me from the start. He's been with me since straight after winter break, since the very first party here.
Sure, the others are doing better now and I'm so incredibly happy for them, but he's barely made me question what we have and when I did he dispelled my thoughts one by one.
I mean I didn't even say I loved him, just that I could. I've said worse, done worse. Lord knows about that.
It's fine, I tell myself. He'll probably say something like it as well, I mean he's definitely been showing it. I haven't been imagining the past couple of months. The words he's spoken to me are true, I know it. I feel it.
He's closer to me than anticipated when I zone back into reality. Atlas chooses then to reach out and runs a finger across my cheek.
There's a tilt of his lips as he looks at me, it isn't kind. "You are so fucking dumb, Nayelie."
______________________
a/n
no atlas your line was 'i love you too!'
this chapter was supposed to go up a week ago but there's something about it i can't get quite right. so i'm just going to settle with this version.
this is obviously the tamest prom chapter but i feel like atlas's comment makes a good catalyst.
also beating the prom chapters in 2026 allegations!!!! WOOP WOOP!!!!