Thoughts

I wish...

I feel like I'm almost back to square one. It's not as bad as 16 crying for days because I thought you were gone forever, but it's more like an ache and a pain and a longing I've been ignoring coming back to the surface. You won't ever see these and if you do, it'll be a long time from now so I might as well spill my guts. Being with him was nothing like being with you. With you it always came naturally to us, being drawn together and it was so easy. It was awkward with him and I didn't fully trust him as I do you. I believe he was a distraction from you, and to choose the "better" option (the one my parents would approve of, the logistically more logical choice) wouldn't hurt because I had already been broken. Losing him wouldn't hurt nearly as much as it did losing you (and I was right, I was more confused with him than anything else I could've felt). You probably will hate this if you ever read it and I'm sorry. I'm trying to place all my thoughts somewhere and with you is where I believe them to be safest. I really want to ask you why you said all the things you said about cherishing parts of me, that it was right person wrong time, that you should never have left, if you weren't planning on coming back. I put so much thought into our past this week, and I recognize that we were not ready for the type of connection we had. I wasn't mature enough tbh any means, and I didn't handle things properly and I threw a lot of things on you that I shouldn't have. Yes you're the first person I would ever go to for advice but I shouldn't have piled all of my issues on you, you had enough going on as it was. Im sorry for my family I hate that they've driven us apart. I wonder sometimes what would have been different if we weren't separated. Or if we had started dating later. Or if I hadn't met you for a while. Maybe it would be all okay. Maybe we wouldn't have had to go through the trenches to be together, but then again maybe that's what God wanted. As you always say there's purpose in everything. I don't know if there was purpose or meaning in this last weekend but talking with you and hearing your voice again and feeling your presence brought everything back. It reminded me of who I am, us, and the promises you've claimed God has. I wonder if you still think about that. Or if you even remember. I wish I could call you right now.