CHAPTER NINE: TOO SWEET (FOR ME)
song of the chapter: too sweet, hozier
The thing is... Indiana doesn't mean for things to end up this way.
She had a plan, you see. A very important, thought out, meticulous plan. A plan that she intended to follow, to complete every step. It was not supposed to end up this way.
After their 'date' at Yoko's, Indiana and Buck part ways at her front door with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to keep in touch about when their next plans would be. Three more dates, maybe four, and then they would tell their friends and family that they were officially dating, and all would be well.
They would attend the wedding together, and a few weeks after that they would announce their split. They just weren't compatible in the long run, is what they would tell people. It was fun while it lasted, and they'd always be friends, but they were parting ways before anybody got hurt.
Indiana had a plan, god damn it.
Then Athena rounded the corner just as Buck pulled out of the driveway, and Indiana's entire plan fell apart right in front of her eyes.
And listen, Indiana could lie to Athena. She could look her older cousin (wise older sister, proxy mother, confidant) in the eye and say that she was really enjoying the time that she and Buck were spending together, and that she was really looking forward to seeing him again soon. She could do that.
She doesn't get the chance. The minute that Athena pulls into her driveway and steps out of the car in her civilian clothes, Indiana knows that she's a goner. There's no way that she can look the one woman who has always seen right through her in the eyes and lie, especially not when Athena is the person who set them up in the first place.
Athena is older. She is wiser. She has life experience that Indiana can only dream of having. She is a mother, and a wife, and the god damn strongest person that Indiana has ever met. She deserves better than a bald faced lie from the person who wouldn't be a functional human being right now if it weren't for her.
She'd know Indiana was lying, anyway. She knows her tells.
The front door clicks shut behind Athena, and Indiana breathes out a heavy sigh through her pursed lips. "Coffee?" She asks, just to be polite.
(Also to try and throw Athena off of her tail, but that's only secondary!)
"I'm good," Athena replies, from somewhere in the living room. Indiana hears the faint sound of the locks on Clover's crate open, followed by a small coo from Athena. "I'll take something stronger, if you've got it."
Indiana presses her palms into the cold stone of her kitchen counter, steadying herself. In through the nose, out through the mouth, she reminds herself, forcing a deep breath to pass through her lips. She removes a hand from the counter and reaches blindly into the fridge for a bottle of something, and comes out victorious as her fingers clutch a bottle of red.
She grabs two wine glasses out of the cabinet and balances them in one hand with the wine as she pulls her shoes off and throws them blindly into the hallway, a muffled thud echoing afterward. Then she walks to the living room, where she finds Athena sitting on the armchair with Clover perched at her feet, tilting her head sideways for Athena to scratch at her chin.
Indiana sets the wine glasses down on the coffee table and opens the screw top wine (what did you expect? she's on a teachers salary), pouring it into her own glass until it's full enough that it might spill over. She pours Athena a respectful amount, then throws her own back in three gulps and pours another glass- a normal amount, this time.
Athena reaches across to clasp her own glass, sipping lightly as she eyes Indiana over the rim, "Long day?" She questions.
"No," Indiana answers, tapping her fingernails against her glass lightly. She reaches for her phone on the coffee table, tapping through her playlists for a moment before she settles on one of the playlists Jasmine made for her when she was 'getting her groove back'. "Went out for lunch at Yoko's, today. I enjoyed it."
"I'm glad," Athena replies, and Indiana can't escape the conspiratorial look in her eyes, though she might try her hardest. She can only sink so far back into the couch. "How's Buck?"
Indiana knew it was coming. She has known from the moment that she and Buck had agreed on a night for their first date that she had this conversation to look forward to- but it wasn't supposed to go down like this. It was supposed to be on her terms.
"He's uh- he's good," Indiana manages, tripping over her words only slightly. She's got a white knuckle grip on her wine, and if that wasn't a dead giveaway that she is hiding something, the incessant smacking of her lips definitely is. "You could've asked him yourself, though. Didn't you see him yesterday?"
Athena hums noncommittally, "I see a lot of people every day, I don't have time to ask them all how they are," she informs, typing something on her phone before placing it down on her thigh. "I heard through the grapevine that you've been seeing an awful lot of each other, lately."
"Through the grapevine," Indiana repeats, a small laugh following her words. "By grapevine, you mean Jasmine? I know you two text about me all the time."
Athena fixes her with a stern look, "Only because we care about you," she promises, the softness of her tone a stark contrast to the expression on her face. "But, no, I didn't hear it from Jasmine."
Logically, Indiana knows that the only other person that Athena could get her information from would be Buck himself. She wouldn't put it past her cousin to corner the man and demand answers about his intentions with Indiana, to make sure that Buck is being nothing but the perfect gentleman.
Athena is contradicting, that way. She has a set of rules that she follows until her loved ones are involved, and then they are thrown out of the window. Indiana admires it, even if it is annoying sometimes.
"Athena," Indiana warns, "You know Buck. You don't need to act how you would if he was some random guy that I was dating."
"I'm not worried about you," Athena tells her, bluntly. The mood in the room changes in a flash, Athena's false curiosity now replaced with the strict motherly attitude that she only has to pull out on Indiana on special occasions. "You need to tell Buck that you aren't ready to move on."
This, Indiana should have seen coming. Athena has always been able to see through her facade, to dissect her lies without having to put any effort into it. She's Indiana's better half, in a way, and she knows that the argument they're about to get into can only end one way.
"You're the one that set us up," Indiana defends, though it might not mean much right now. "This could all have been prevented if you hadn't stuck your nose in it."
She knows that she's being unfair, is the thing. Indiana knows that Athena was well within her rights to set her up with Buck- Indiana had asked her to. She knows that Athena is allowed to ask her questions about her blooming relationship with Buck- she set them up, it's allowed.
Even then, Indiana isn't sure what the 'all' she's referring to is. She doesn't know if it's the erratic beating of her heart when Buck is around, or if it's the way her palms get sweaty when he ducks his head and smiles at something she says. She's not sure if it's the inevitable heartbreak that she's going to be faced with when the end eventually does come- when Buck finally decides he's had enough of pretending, when he wants something more than what Indiana can offer him.
Indiana might have told Buck that she wasn't ready for anything past friendship, but her heart doesn't seem to possess the same rationality as her brain.
"Stuck my nose in it, did I?" Athena questions, mocks, breaking Indiana from her stupor. "Me helping you, that's sticking my nose in it? Trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself, making sure you didn't walk into that damn wedding with your tail between your legs, that's what you call sticking my nose in it?"
Before, the room had been basked in the afterglow of the sun, dipping below the horizon as the day slipped away from them. It seems that the sun has taken all of the pleasantries that they usually afford each other with it.
Maybe Indiana can blame the moon, for what she says next.
Or she can blame the wine.
"You think you know what's best for me," Indiana spits, the venom in her tone catching even her off guard. "You think you can tell me what to do, but you can't. I'm a grown woman, Athena, and Buck is a grown man. He can handle himself."
Athena has witnessed enough of Indiana's emotionally charged meltdowns to last her a lifetime, so if the words affect her at all, she doesn't let it show. Indiana's chest rises and falls with every forceful breath that she takes, her grip so tight on the glass that she's surprised the stem hasn't splintered in her hand.
Instead, she takes a steadying deep breath, and says, "I don't want to see anyone get hurt. You both deserve better than this."
Indiana knows this. Rationally, she knows that Athena only wants what is best for the people she loves. For her, that's Indiana. For Bobby, that's Buck. Athena loves Bobby. It's a conflict of interest. There's no way for both of them to get out of this unscathed.
It's fake now, all pretend kisses and pet names, but Indiana has read romance books, she's seen Love, Rosie- she knows this only ends one way. Eventually, one of them develops unrequited feelings for the other and their friendship is damaged beyond repair.
It only ends in heartbreak.
"I'm so scared," Indiana confesses, her throat raw. The fight has left her body, now, and every word she says feels like it's sandpaper. "I don't want to be alone forever, Athena. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this is the best I'll get to have and I just... let it go?"
"It's not," Athena insists. "You and Buck, you have the potential to have something special. You might not be ready for it yet, but it's there, and it's waiting for you. It'll still be there when you're ready."
"And if I'm never ready?" Indiana questions, terrified of the answer as soon as the words leave her mouth. "I can't do this to him, Athena. He deserves better than someone who can't so much as think about a future with him without having an emotional meltdown. I can't put that on him."
Athena stands up, crossing the room to kneel in front of Indiana, prying the glass from her hand. She cups the younger girls face in her hands, chasing away a stray tear with the pad of her finger. "You aren't alone in this, Indiana. You don't have to do this on your own."
Indiana goes to choke out a reply, when her phone buzzes on the table. Once, twice, three times. Buck's contact photo fills the screen. She would think of it like a bad omen, if the sight of his face didn't make her smile.
Athena's frown deepens, and like she can feel the sob that escapes Indiana's throat before it comes, she tugs her into her arms and catches the tears right as they begin to fall.
"You'll be alright," Athena whispers into her hair, rocking them side to side. "Everything will work itself out."
And god, if Indiana doesn't pray that's the truth.
authors note
very indiana heavy chapter here, buck will be back next time, but these will happen every now and then and i want us all to be aware of that. but also she's a complicated woman with complicated feelings and she is going to contradict herself constantly- she is just like me. she is going to deflect questions and change the topic and do anything she can do avoid thinking about the consequences of her own actions- just deal with it ok it'll all work out. let women be liars and have crushes on hot men in peace!!!!
anywhooooo hope u are all enjoying xx
- ines <3