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Chapter 4: Feyre, High Lady of The Night Court (and Nesta, Lady Death...and Bryaxis)
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He did not figure it out in the weeks that followed.
He had theories of course.
For lack of a better idea he was back at Azriel pining for some female he couldn't have for some reason or another.
Which didn't make it any easier to narrow down the options.
It wasn't like Azriel had ever lacked companionship. If females weren't outright terrified of him then the chances are they fawned over him.
But then there was also the fact that...well. Azriel had never seemed to outright have the appetite for female companionship that Cassian and Rhys had over the centuries. His brother had always held himself aloft, removed from it.
Cassian had never investigated that more thoroughly but now it was there, scratching at the edge of his brain, puzzle pieces without a second one that matched.
All of it didn't make sense. He was missing something. And he was sure that it was obvious...
If Azriel was pining over some unavailable female and it wasn't Mor, then who was it?
And then Azriel threw a spanner in his theories.
"Anything else I need to be aware of?" Rhys asked at their weekly meeting at the River House. Azriel had told him all about Governors that had been making under-the-table deals while Cassian had once again complained about Devlon.
Some things never changed.
Cassian shook his head.
"I need a break."
The words came so out of left field that Cassian's jaw dropped.
But Azriel sat there, staring them both down, jaw set.
What?
In all the years that Cassian had known Az...these words had never once left his mouth.
But there they were. Azriel admitted that he needed a break and dared them to disagree with him.
What.
What was happening?
"A break?" Rhys repeated, trying his best not to make the surprise show on his face and failing horribly.
"Yes. Cassian and Nesta took a week in the Illyrian steppes a few months ago. I want a break," Azriel said, crossing his arms defensively.
He had taken that break. He had been quite happy about that break as well, but then Cassian had throughout his long life taken more than one break of his own free will.
The last time the Spymaster of the Night Court had taken a break longer than a few minutes or to sleep...well that was when he had taken a near-fatal injury. And even then, Azriel had been chomping at the bit, unwilling to stay away as long as Madja had wanted him to.
So for him to just come to them and ask, or demand, a break...that was so unlikely that it scared the shit out of Cassian, to be honest.
What was going on?
"You want a break," Cassian repeated. "Did something happen?" he wondered, looking at Azriel.
He seemed fine. Granted that didn't need to mean anything.
After whatever had gone down between him and Elain, Azriel had a dark circle underneath his eyes for months, and looked like he hadn't slept a wink during the night. His skin had taken on a near pale shade, or maybe that had just been the shadows that had clung so tightly to the shadowsinger that they had seeingly leeched all his colour and life out of him.
Even then...even then, Azriel hadn't wanted a break.
But now he did.
Now Azriel wanted a break.
Azriel met his gaze, his hazel eyes flat.
"No. I just need a break."
Do you know what this is about? Cassian mentally asked Rhys who just shook his head, very carefully.
"I have known you for 500 years and not once have you told us that you need a break," Cassian pointed out, trying to be reasonable. Fishing for an explanation, that Azriel didn't seem willing to give him.
What had brought this one? What had made Azriel finally admit that he needed a break?
It shouldn't worry him. It was a healthy development for Azriel to finally figure out some kind of boundaries but...still it did.
It came out of nowhere.
"Well, I do!" The way Azriel bit out these words was shocking. Not just to him but also to Rhys.
I think he really needs that break, Cassian thought quietly.
"I need a break," Azriel forced his voice to be quiet, but he was glaring Rhys into submission.
Agreed. Something is going on. Has he said anything about Esmeray?
Not to me, Rhys. Could it be Azriel's mother? There weren't many things that could make Azriel go quite as feral, but his mother definitely fell into that purview.
Still...
"So you need a break, Az," Rhys said, keeping his voice light. "When are you thinking of taking said break?"
"Next week." The answer came so quickly that Azriel must have thought about it beforehand.
Is there anything happening next week? Rhys wondered.
Was there some kind of event or something Azriel could desperately want to attend? Maybe in another court?
Cassian drew a blank. So did Rhys.
"As long as no new war breaks out, you can have next week. For your break," Rhys agreed. "Do you want the cabin?"
Think he'll say yes, if it's about his mom? Cassian wondered.
"No, thank you," Azriel turned down Rhys.
Damnit. That didn't answer any questions.
And then before they could properly interrogate their brother, he heard Feyre approach.
The High Lady of the Night Court settled herself on her mate's lap that greeted her with a smile. For a moment Cassian missed Nesta.
"Am I interrupting anything?" Feyre wanted to know.
Azriel shifted, catching Cassian's attention. He was watching Rhys and Feyre with a nearly unreadable expression...
But suddenly...suddenly Cassian recognised it. Recognised it as the same expression that he had worn so very often when he had watched Mor for centuries.
Longing. A secretly held desire.
It was there, written on his face. Clear as day.
"Just Az telling us how he needs a break," Rhys said at that moment. "I think he's getting soft."
"A break? You deserve that! Maybe go somewhere warm!" Feyre suggested immediately.
Azriel's face morphed at Feyre's word, softening nearly imperceptively.
Was it about Feyre or about her suggestion? Cassian didn't know. Still, it was...curious.
"I already know where'll be," Azriel said quickly. "Feyre, I was wondering...where did you get your table linens from?"
The conversation topic change was so harsh that Cassian just stared at him.
What?
"The table linens?" Feyre asked, sounding as confused as Cassian felt.
"Yes. Table Linens. I need some," Azriel repeated, sounding certain.
"You need table linens?" Cassian asked, making sure that he had gotten that right. Table linens. What was it with Az and his sudden obsession with table linens? It made no sense.
"There's this small shop at the rainbow called Clare's. They have loads of different ones. Unless you mean the ones for huge celebrations then it's in the Palace of Threads and Jewels," Feyre answered the question, sounding thoughtful
"Thank you," Azriel said primly.
"Planning on throwing some dinner parties?" Rhys asked
Azriel ignored that.
"I need to go. I have some table linens to buy."
And off he went.
Cassian just stared at him go.
The feeling that something was wrong burrowing in his gut, the expression of longing still engraved in his mind.
"Why does he want table linens?" Feyre wondered, sounding perplexed.
"Something is wrong," Cassian blurted out.
Something was really wrong. He didn't like it on bit.
"What makes you think that?" Feyre asked him curiously. "Maybe Azriel really just...wants to buy some table linens."
"He wants to buy bloody table linens!" Cassian snapped. "Rhys! This isn't normal!" he pointed out to his brother, begging him to understand. Rhys looked thoughtful.
"He did buy a house," Rhys pointed out, too damn reasonable. Yes, Azriel had done that but...table linens. Truly?
"He bought a house?" Feyre asked, curious. "When did he do that? I didn't know that."
"A few months before Elain and Lucien got married," Cassian answered, with a wave. "It's near the mountains. It has a lake. It's nice."
It was. quite frankly it was nothing like what Cassian had expected Azriel to go for, but his brother had seemed...quite taken with his purchase.
At least as taken as he had ever seemed with anybody. It was secluded enough that it probably sated some deep-seated desire for privacy from Azriel and with it warded tightly, it would be as good a home for him as any other.
Though Cassian knew that Azriel had only bought it because he had wanted to get away from Cassian and Nesta and their enthusiastic lovemaking.
Which again, played into Azriel absolutely hating to be surrounded by happily mated pairs and being alone himself.
"He took you there?" Rhys asked, surprise apparent in his voice.
Az hadn't taken Rhys?
Well, Azriel had only taken him because he had insisted. "He showed it to me. Or more like I insisted that he showed it to me, because I didn't want to imagine what Azriel thought were proper living conditions," Cassian explained with a sigh. Azriel...well, Azriel didn't expect much from lodgings. Even his house in the townhouse had been bare bones for as long as Cassian could remember. "It had zero furniture but he promised he was going to get some before he moved in," he said with a shrug.
Still, he couldn't imagine Azriel going to a furniture shop, lamenting between fabric swatches and coming out, having purchased a couch.
"Maybe he just finished furnishing it and now needs table linens," Feyre offered. "That would make sense," she points out reasonably.
Right. Maybe.
"Azriel is a lot of things, domestic is not one of these," Rhys agreed with a sigh. "I was already surprised that he bought the house..."
So was Cassian. But then...maybe in some way, it had made sense. Remove himself from more and more things that were...hurting him. Finding himself someplace where it was just Azriel, where he could just be without worrying what anybody else thought. Mope around as much as he wanted, regardless if Rhys thought that he should just get over himself.
He can't spend the rest of his life chasing after uninterested females, Rhys said pointedly, having caught some stray thought of his.
You know very well that Azriel has never done any chasing. He respectfully pines," Cassian disagreed. It wasn't like Azriel was...annoying with his pining. He was quiet and stayed away. And you know that it's not that easy. You can't just shut off your feelings when they don't suit you anymore.
Mother knew, they both had tried.
It's not healthy for him, Rhys said sharply.
And Cassian had enough. Oh come on, Rhysand, we both know that neither of us should be allowed to pass that judgment, Cassian snapped.
You both should know that it's terribly impolite to have a whole conversation that I am not privy to while I am in the room, came Feyre's amused mental voice.
"Leave him alone, Rhys. Whatever he does, it has nothing to do with you," Cassian drawled aloud.
"Doesn't it?" Rhys gave back with a sigh. "He's the Spymaster of this court, he's..."
"He's your brother and his private life is absolutely none of your fucking business," Cassian said tightly. "Unless he's pining for Feyre...oh."
Oh.
That...yeah.
That would explain the look on Azriel's face. Why he didn't came to family dinners as often as he used to anymore. Why he seemed withdrawn and the tension between him and Rhys and...
"No, we are not doing that, Cassian," Feyre cut him off, sharply. "You literally thought he was in a secret relationship with Eris Vanserra. And now you think Azriel is quietly pining away over me? This is ridiculous," she spat out.
"You didn't see the way he looked at you," Cassian protested.
Rhys seemed withdrawn like he wasn't quite sure what to think about this.
Feyre just snorted, something akin to amusement on her face.
"Did it pass your mind for just one moment that that has nothing to do with me personally?" Feyre said sharply. "That maybe whatever way he looked at was him wanting what his brothers had?"
"What do you mean, darling?" Rhys asked, curiosity peaked. What was this about?
"I think that Azriel wants what his brothers have," Feyre pointed out quietly. "Don't you think that he ever wonders why?"
Why? Why what?
"You are three brothers. Two of them are mated. He isn't," Feyre pointed out quietly. "Don't you think he ever wonders about why he isn't? Why he doesn't deserve a bond? Why you two got them but he didn't?"
It wasn't anything that Cassian hadn't also thought about in passing. About how it was fair that Cassian and Rhys had met their mates and Azriel hadn't. How out of three brothers, two had been mated to two out of three sisters, but the third to another?
All of it had been there in his brain at one point or another.
But for Azriel, Azriel that doubted his worth every fucking day in that silent way of his, that tried to prove himself again and again...it must have been just another injustice in a very long, long line of them.
"He does," Feyre continued. "And I also think that regardless of how happy he is for you, and he is, you know that...there is a part of him that envies both of you," she said pointedly. "So leave it alone, Cassian. He wants to have a secret relationship? Let him have it. As long as he is happy, I don't care. Neither should either of you. He deserves whatever happiness he can carve out for himself."
It was pointed, sharp and cutting. And she was right. Feyre was completely right.
He couldn't on one hand tell Rhys that he had no right to judge Azriel's private life and then himself try and force his brother to admit something he wasn't ready to.
"Besides, who's next on your list of options, Cass? Nesta? Do you think he is secretly pining for your mate as well?" Feyre continued with a snort. "Quite frankly, she's a better guess than me. He did buy her these hairpins. That's more personal than a couple of paints."
"He bought Nesta hairpins?" Rhys asked, sounding perplexed.
"With stiletto blades hidden in them. She loves them," Cassian admitted with a shrug.
"She does," Feyre agreed. "Azriel is one of the few people that Nesta is actually nice to, too. Maybe they are having a torrid love affair and you know nothing about it!" she told him wide-eyed and Cassian glared at her.
"Not funny," he told Feyre, who just grinned at him.
"Maybe Bryaxis is involved too!" she suggested with a gasp.
He held back a shudder at that.
"Now you are just being cruel, High Lady," he told her and she shrugged.
"From all the options presented today, I think Bryaxis is the most likely," she said drily. "Just leave him alone. He'll come to you when he is ready."
Right.
"I am gonna go spy on Azriel, buying table linens," Cassian said as he stood up, making Rhys snort and Feyre roll her eyes.
To his neverending surprise, he actually found Azriel at the first store Feyre had mentioned.
Azriel came out, laden with a couple of bags and Cassian couldn't help but stare at him. This was...
Azriel spotted him immediately, looking less than pleased to see him.
"Did Rhys put you up to it?" he demanded and Cassian blinked.
What?
"What, no! Why should he do that?" Cassian asked. Why...why would Rhys...
"You tell me," Azriel sniped back."If it's not Rhys, then what are you doing here? I doubt you wanted to watch me shop for table linens."
Yeah, he didn't. But then he didn't actually think he was gonna find Azriel actually buying table linens.
"You actually bought table linens?" he asked and Azriel rolled his eyes at him.
"Yes, of course, I bought some. Why do you think I asked Feyre to tell me where to go?" Azriel sighed. "Cassian, do you actually care about that or did you think that me going to find table linens meant that I was going off to find the secret lover you are currently convinced I have for some cauldron-forsaken reasons?"
Right.
This wasn't about that secret lover that may or not exist. This was way more important. This was about Azriel.
"For cauldron's sake Azriel, I am worried about you!" Cassian snapped. This was about his brother. Azriel just stared at him.
"Why?" Azriel asked, sounding like he couldn't for the life of him understand why Cassian cared.
"Why?" Cassian repeated sharply. "You don't talk to me, or anybody, you don't say anything, you disappear from family dinners and now you suddenly want a break! What's going on?" Cassian demanded.
Azriel was silent, deep in thought.
"What's going on, Az? Come on, you know you can talk to me," Cassian said softly.
What was really going on? Was this about Azriel's mother?
"I know," Azriel said, his voice quiet." But right now, I was really just buying table linens," he insisted.
Cassian would have liked to shake some sense into him but he didn't.
"I am not letting this go," he said, resolvement growing. Something was going on and he was going to figure it out. He would be there for his brother, damnit.
A tiny smile appeared on Azriel's face.
"I wouldn't expect anything else," Azriel promised.
"So what kind of table linens did you buy?" Cassian asked him, curious. What kind of table linens did Azriel think were appropriate for his house?
Azriel just sighed.
Cassian did not actually get an answer out of him. He did get the promise of a sparring match the next morning and then Azriel had a lunch he had to get to with a friend.
For a moment Cassian played with the thought of following along and making a pest out of himself.
But he didn't. Maybe he was having lunch with some High Fae Female he met in Velaris and was stupidly in love with. Somebody that loved Azriel and appreciated him as much as he should be.
Maybe that was it.
Cassian wished that for his brother.