"Macaroni again? Tom, it's okay if they're your specialty, but every time you cook it's the same. The tomatoes will come out of my nose, man."
Tom moved the pasta on his plate, looking at it in a very bad mood, without appetite.
"If you don't want it, throw it in the trash. And if you want to eat something else, cook it yourself. Is it clear, Georg?"
"Like water, boss."
"What about Bill?" Gustav asked, tasting the food and making a face of disgust.
"He's not hungry."
"Luckily, he won't have to taste this crap. Did you put sugar in it? It's sweet."
"It's true, it's sweet. I knew we should've called TelePizza. 'The secret is in the pizza dough'."
Tom snorted and didn't even taste his food. He stood up from the chair, picked up his plate, Gustav's and Georg's, and went to the kitchen, dumping the content in the trashcan.
"I said it was sweet, not that it wasn't edible."
"Do I look like your maid, Georg? Do I look like a maid? Do you think I have tits and walk around with an apron to serve you? Because if you think that way, I can fix it with a punch, you know?"
"Tom, man, he was kidding," Gustav defended him immediately. "Take it easy, if you're mad as hell, tell us and we'll shut up, but don't get us involved."
The older twin was about to answer back, but he contained himself. Definitely, the urologist was right. How the hell was he going to get hard with such stress on his shoulders? It was like taking care of three grown up kids; the touchy one, the allergic-to-sweet-things one, and then... the autistic one. And people complain because mothers become bitter and grumpy.
"Are you mad at Bill? What happened now?"
"Does it matter to you?" he grumped, showing all his bad mood. He didn't say a word when he noticed the tense silence that had just fallen in the room. Georg wrinkled his nose and Gustav looked at him with seriousness. Lately, he was determined to be the one who kept the peace among the four of them, who always got stuck with the bad mood of the twins, which became every time tenser. They were drifting apart, a lot, and if they drifted apart... it would be very difficult for the band to stay afloat.
"I understand that you're mad, but Bill is screwed for that. You know that the fans' thing has always affected him more than anything else. This has been a tremendous blow. We... we need to have patience," he managed to speak clearly and calmly despite being angry, trying to pass his composure on to the others without much success.
"How much patience do I need? It's been a week and he doesn't look up, he doesn't even get away from me to go to the bathroom. It freaks me out!"
"He's your brother, right? You don't have any other option than to be patient."
"I already know he's my fucking brother, I don't want you to say it again!"
That yell really was the limit. Tom hit the table with fury, startling Georg, who stood up all of a sudden.
"Fine. If you have something to say, I don't know, for example, thanks for trying to help me, call me because I'm out." The bassist walked up to the entrance of the apartment, grabbed his jacket and put it on, mad as hell. Tom thought he would tear it in two pieces. "Let's go, Gustav. If this ingrate isn't capable to appreciate the troubles we get in for trying to help him, fuck him."
The drummer sighed resigned and grabbed his coat with worry in his gaze.
"We'll go get some food out there. If when we come back, things remain the same between you and Bill, I'll go to a hotel."
"And I'll go with you, Gus. Come on, see you later." And with a slam, they closed the door.
For a moment, Tom felt guilty. Then, he remembered that, since Bill didn't really want to wash the dishes, it was up to him, and all his regrets vanished.
He picked one of the dishes and doubted whether to crash it against the floor or against the wiper; he chose the second option, but he hit it so hard that it was almost a miracle it didn't shatter to pieces. Damned Bill, it was all his fault.
The thought of it made him angrier and he squeezed the cleaning cloth in his fist so that he wouldn't break the dish.
No... it wasn't his fault...
"Bill..."
"What?" His heart did a flip and the dish slipped from his hands, falling onto the floor and shattering to pieces. One of them ended up on the bare foot of his brother, causing him a small cut. "Ouch..."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, sure."
"I'm sorry."
"Be more careful," he restricted himself to reply. He walked like a zombie to the fridge, opening it, almost avoiding the mess under his feet completely, even stepping on some pieces of the broken dish. A few small drops of blood covered the floor Bill was walking on and he didn't seem to care, he didn't even seem to notice it. Tom wanted to throw up, seeing... the pieces of his brother. He wouldn't call him any other way.
"Bill... you're not okay..."
"Strawberries? Who brought them?" he cut him off slyly.
"Andreas sent them, they got here in a box last night."
"Ah, the three of us should hang out some day, it's been a while since I saw him, it would give me hope."
Hope. Without a doubt, hearing that word coming out of Bill's lips should've excited him, but instead he just got even angrier.
"What's going on? Isn't it enough with me, Georg and Gustav, that you have to go after Andreas so he can take care of you?"
Bill ignored him completely. He grabbed a clean plate from the dishwasher and put a good amount of strawberries in it, sitting on the table, starting to eat with despondency. Tom sat in front of him, staring at him with a penetrating look, but he was unable to intimidate him, as supposed. Who ended up making him feel intimidated was Bill. If it wasn't because of those bags under his eyes... They were so alike.
"What?"
"Why don't you wear makeup anymore?"
"I don't want to or have reasons for it. I don't go outside. It's stupid to put on makeup if the only one who will see me is you. Why do you ask?"
"Nothing. I think I'd rather see you made-up."
Bill let out an ironic grin.
"Am I that ugly without makeup? Well, you've got the same face, so I don't know what's so funny."
"It's not funny. If I prefer you with makeup on is precisely because I don't need to see our resemblance." Tom frowned right when he caught the meaning of his own words. Apparently, his brother did too, based on the expression of his face. "I don't mean I don't like your face or... I don't mean that... don't be offended. I like your face, it's like mine, well, you understand..."
"Not really, but I think I'd rather not understand if you suggest that you're embarrassed to have me as your twin brother."
"It's not that! It's... forget it, alright?" Not even himself understood what he was trying to say. It's just that, having that face, so alike to him, reminded him constantly that they were brothers and somehow, he felt something like regret, as if it was something wrong.
Bill seemed not to worry anymore and kept eating surrounded by a tense silence.
"Hey... what did you do with your phone?"
For a moment, the singer's hand trembled.
"I threw it in the water."
"Uh, now I know why the record company pesters me lately and not you."
"I think I'm going to take a bath, I'm not hungry anymore." In silence, Bill stood up from the chair, picking up the plate with strawberries and putting it inside the fridge.
"Watch out!"
When he heard Tom's voice, he had already stepped on one of the pieces of the dish, scattered all over the floor. A shiver ran down his spine, but not a single gasp of pain escaped his throat.
He shook his foot and walked to the bathroom, dirtying the floor with the blood of his wound.
"But... Bill!"
"It's okay," he replied from the bathroom. "Pick it up before everybody come back."
It hurt him, it hurt like hell, but he was convinced that he deserved it.
***
'I love to see you on stage.'
'What happened to you today? Your voice was hoarse. Please, I hope you're okay. I'd die if something happened to you.'
'Why did you cancel the concert? I was willing to hear you sing, you've disappointed me a lot and you made me cry. You're cruel, Bill.'
'Be careful on your way back home, it's dangerous to walk alone, but don't worry, I'll be behind you. I love you.'
'Welcome home! Finally, you'll continue with the tour and I'll get to hear you sing again, it's great!'
'Bill, you've been amazing. I couldn't expect any less from you. I love you, sleep well.'
'I love you.'
'This is so frustrating, being just a few meters away from you in the stage and being unable to reach you... Bill, I want you.'
'I'd like to spend the night with you.'
'I can't handle it anymore, I'm thinking about getting to the hotel and finally get you!'
'I hope that the time will come when you're finally mine, only mine.'
'I love you. I want you, I'd give everything away for a second with you, I'll always be behind you until I get you, you're mine. You're mine, mine, mine.'
"Advertising? What an irritating and direct advertising, right Bill?"
I remember Tom's face at that moment, when he read that message and then, every and each one I'd received that week. He was very pissed off and with reason. So was I.
"Who is it?"
"I have no idea. They've been texting me for two weeks," I answered, pulling the phone away from him and biting my tongue right away. I'd messed things up.
"Two weeks!? And you mention it now?"
"Oh, come on Tom, it's not such a big deal, don't overreact." Georg smiled and asked me for the phone with his eyes. "Our Billy has a secret admirer, he's already a man. He's driving them all crazy, congratulate him, dude!"
"Congratulate him for being harassed by a complete stranger and not saying anything about it!? I should kill him!"
"Damn, how dramatic! It's just a fan worried about his idol. What could happen?"
If I had known what could happen, I wouldn't have laughed then. That very night, the consequences of taking it as a joke made me lose my mind.
Tom went mad, he was taking it seriously, and he even told Saki so that he could be on the alert. Gustav didn't say anything, but the thing wasn't very funny for him either and I wasn't enjoying it that much. In part, I felt flattered and took it as a joke. Someday she would show up asking me to sign an autograph and take a picture and I would ask her to please stop the messages because they bothered me.
That night it was clear that it wasn't a joke.
I was taking a bath in the hotel peacefully. There were four hours left before the concert that night. There was no hurry. Suddenly, the door opened, I heard it. I was washing my hair and accidentally put shampoo in my eye. It stung.
"Oh, fuck, Tom, you're there, right? Hand me a towel, I've got shampoo all over my eyes. Shit, this hurts."
Tom was the only one who had the key card of my hotel room, so the one there could only be him. Without making any sound, I stuck my head and a hand out the bath so that he could give me the towel. My eyes were closed because of the stinging and I couldn't see anything. I grabbed the towel he was handing me and got in the bath again.
"Thank you..."
The door closed afterward and I continued calmly with my bath. When I got out with the towel tied around my waist and wringing my hair out with my hands, I heard the ringtone of my phone. When I got close to pick it, the music stopped.
1 missed call.
Could it be that secret admirer again? They always called me first and then left a missed call with a hidden number and a few seconds later, I used to get a message... And that's what happened.
1 new message.
I took my phone and read the message reluctantly.
'I thought nothing could make me happier and make me feel better than how your image in the concerts does, but today, when I saw you in the shower, covered with lather, I've realized that it's possible to make me even happier. You turn me on, more and more. I'm wishing to have you in my arms in that wet and sensual way... I love you, see you tonight, honey.'
I don't know how I looked like at that moment, but I started to shake like a leaf and my legs gave out. My heart was stuck in my throat.
"What... what the fuck... Ah, Tom, I get it. All of this has been a joke of yours, you sucker."
That assumption relaxed me completely and I took a breath, but when I heard the 'knock, knock' of the door, my heart raced again. I froze and didn't answer. Once more, someone knocked, and I only managed to glance at the door.
"Bill? Did you break your neck with the bathtub or what? Do you want to open once and for all!?"
Tom... I sighed, relieved.
"You open, use the key card and don't give me a hard time, you scared me to death!"
"That's exactly why I came here, idiot. You forgot to give me the key card, open right now!"
For a moment, I was unable to react. What did he mean I hadn't given him the key card? He had been here a few minutes ago.
"Don't lie to me, you were here a moment ago!"
"What!? I hadn't even seen my room yet! Of course, the lord takes all the bellhops to carry his luggage and I have to carry mine by myself and without any help! Why don't you open the door!?"
"What are you say-...?" I went speechless. I couldn't mutter a word when I saw the two key cards of my room; one was mine and the other was the one I was supposed to give to Tom. Both were on the nightstand.
I turned my head slowly, looking at the wide-open door of the bathroom. If Tom hadn't entered, who had given me the towel?
Once again, the music on my phone started ringing and when it stopped, I looked, shaking, at the shining letters that stood out from the screen.
1 missed call.
"Tom!" I rushed to the door, terrified, opening it right away, screaming, and when I opened it, the first thing I did was to hug my brother with all my strength, pushing him to get away from the open room.
"Shit, Bill! What are you doing...? But... but... Are you naked?"
"There's someone in my room, there's someone inside! Saki, Saki!" I was about to start crying full of fear.
"Hey, Bill, what are you talking about, calm down! Don't scream! Calm down!" Tom's shouts sounded over mine and made me shut up. His calloused hands pressed my head against his shoulder and caressed my back to calm me down, very slowly. I sighed with relief.
"What happened? What's going on?" Saki got there, but I didn't move an inch away from Tom.
"Bill says there's someone in the room." I heard Saki's steps and Tom's words in my ear. "Hey, there's nothing wrong. Saki will take care of that jerk right now, you'll see, he's going to crush his head. Do you think there's anybody capable to beat this gorilla?"
I smiled a little, my lip trembling.
"There's no one inside."
"No? Did you look closer?"
"Yes, there's nobody — it's clean."
"Bill, Saki says there's nobody."
Slowly, breathing anxiously and very nervously, I pulled away from Tom to look at our bodyguard, who was watching us and frowning.
"There was someone. I heard how somebody opened the door of the bathroom while I was taking a bath. I thought it was you and I asked him for a towel... he gave it to me... and then got out of the bathroom..." I was about to cry.
Once more, Tom squeezed my head against his shoulder. His protective look surprised me — it had been years since I last saw it.
"Maybe he's gone, but there's no one inside," Saki claimed.
"And if someone entered, why did they do that? You're a bodyguard, you and three more should be patrolling in here. Why did someone enter, huh!?"
"I haven't seen anybody and I was right here. If someone had approached, I would've seen it..."
"Are you suggesting that Bill is lying? If my brother says someone entered, it's because someone entered! And I want to know how, who, when and why, right now!"
"Tom, it's fine. It doesn't matter if that person is already gone."
My brother didn't answer back; he let go of me, taking his hands away from my head and giving me a serious look, trying to keep calm. I could see he was furious.
"Fine. But you won't sleep here today. Get dressed in my room." He pulled away from me completely and entered my hotel room, starting to pick up the clothes I'd left on the bed, ready to get dressed when I walked out the bathroom. Our bodyguard fixed his eyes on me, with an expression I couldn't classify, like something didn't fit with all that matter. "And, Saki, I want to see you right next to the door of... What the fuck are you looking at my brother!?" Tom yelled from inside the room.
"No-nothing."
And if there was something our personal gorilla was scared of, it was that furious Tom. And I understood him, you had to have a good pair of balls to face him when he was mad... I had them, though I didn't really need them, he was never really angry at me. Hardly ever.
"And you, little brother, put something on! You won't like to walk around half naked or-..."
Before he could say something else, he fell silent. I suddenly felt a shiver and embraced myself with my arms. Tom looked down and picked something from the bed, fixing his gaze on it. It was my phone.
"Ha..." He smiled with a hateful face. "So, just a secret admirer worried about their idol, huh, Bill?"
I squinted when I read the message on my phone, shaking. I couldn't say whether because of fear or cold. Either way, what I read froze me.
'I definitely hate your brother, pressing you in such an incestuous way against his body. It hurts me a lot. I'm the only one who can have you like that, you're mine, remember it, so please, don't hurt me again this way or I'll get very mad and I'll take revenge... Don't be scared, okay? You know I love you and I wouldn't be able to hurt you. I'll be watching you from the first row. Love you, see you tonight.'
At that moment, I was aware that I was living a nightmare that had started innocently, like those nightmares where you're gathered with all your family and suddenly the people start to go, leaving you alone slowly without noticing it, and when you least expect it, you drown in complete darkness, alone... and there, the authentic nightmare begins.
My reality is that everything started with a ringtone... one missed call.
***
Tom sighed once he picked everything up, cleaned all the dishes and washed all the bloodstained footsteps of his brother that led to the bathroom. Once done, he sat to watch TV carelessly, or that's how it looked like. Bill had been more than an hour locked in the bathroom. Was he alright? After fifteen minutes asking himself the same question, unable to bear his worry anymore, he stood up and headed over the bathroom. He was an idiot, he could've done it since the beginning and would've taken a good load off his mind.
"Bill, are you alright?" he asked, knocking the door several times, but he got no answer.
"Bill, are you okay? Answer me!" Nothing.
Tom sighed and breathed in, trying to calm himself down without much success.
"Let's see... If you don't open the door right now, I'll knock it down! Do you hear me!? I'd better not catch you cutting your veins or something, because after taking you to the hospital — where you'll eat shit, where they'll inject serum into your veins and give you lots of hematomas, cut your beloved nails and damage your skin — you'll wish you'd never been born!" He continued without getting an answer.
Totally deranged and worried, he stepped back ready to kick the door down. A thick layer of wood wasn't going to stop him from saving his brother, the one he already pictured half-dead on the floor, half-naked and with a very improper position, covered in blood. A feast for any sadomasochist that could find him.
Preparing himself to charge at the door like a bull facing a red flag... he realized that the door was open, unlocked, just fitted in. He narrowed his eyes. He was stupid.
Without thinking too much, he opened the door, prepared for what he could find, anything... except that.
Bill was on his feet, naked, drying his hair with a towel and his back turned to him... With the iPod earphones at full blast! Tom could even hear what his brother was listening and humming in a low voice so happily! Nothing less than Verboten by LaFee.
He really wanted to kill him, to strangle him to death and then commit suicide; actually, he was already lifting his trembling arms to grab his neck when Bill pulled the towel with which he dried his hair apart. It fell softly down his neck and his gleaming back, full of little water droplets. Tom forgot the idea of strangling him, mostly because he was frozen. His gaze traveled through his brother's body almost by instinct and what he saw made him open his eyes wide. He had never thought that Bill could be that seductive, that indecorous, that provocative. That sensual. That... forbidden.
Forbidden... Verboten.
Bill had started to sing the song he was listening to under his breath. His voice, so soft... It had been a long time since he had heard him sing and he had chosen precisely that song to do it.
Verboten...
Forbidden... Bill was a forbidden desire.
Stunned, he stepped back and closed the door, leaning on it. What had just happened? He had gone speechless, staring at his twin brother's naked body. Okay... that was shocking, and the worst thing wasn't that. Tom looked down slowly, with a raised eyebrow. His eyes were about to pop out their sockets like the Looney Toons... He was completely hard!