I am woken up by the sound of rain instead of my alarm. My eyes squint at the brightness of my phone and I notice I had snoozed my alarm, but was only a few minutes late.
I didn't bother panicking or caring as I stood up and got dressed.
Soon, a search began through my drawers for something I hadn't really worn before, and settled on white cargo pants, with an oversized blue hoodie, and white shoes.
Once I was dressed and had completed my morning hygiene, I grab a granola bar and yell for Kaylee to hurry up. The rain hadn't picked up yet, so we had time to leave before we were inevitably soaked.
She finally descends the stairs, I pull my hood on and open the front door to make a run for the car.
We get in and Kaylee is grumbling in annoyance while I'm laughing stupidly.
"Morning. I have a surprise for you, close your eyes."
"This early?" He obeys, "Am I going to hate it?"
"I really hope not. I'm so sensitive I might cry if you hate it."
He visibly smirks shaking his head, "So if I hate it I can't voice it verbally. Got it." I scoff trying not to laugh, "No. If you hate it, you've got to un-hate it."
He opened his eyes expectantly, "Where is it?" I roll my eyes at his impatience, "Wait. Close them again." He huffs and closes his eyes again. I pull down my hood which had protected me from the drizzle, then started beaming childishly to myself.
"Okay you can open your eyes." He does hesitantly, then spots my hair and smiles.
"You cut your hair?" I nod thrilled, pleased with his reaction, "Yeah. Do you like it?" He ran his hand through it, the grin still evident on his face reassuring me that I didn't look like a complete idiot with short hair. Some people don't have the face to pull it off.
"I think you look beautiful with any kind of hair."
I pause, covering my mouth feeling overwhelmingly cared about.
"AWW. Did you really just say that?"
"Oh barf." Kaylee comments from the backseat with an eye roll. My smile was so big my cheeks hurt and he chuckled at my excitement as I climbed over the center console grabbing his face gently giving him a kiss.
He stabled me with one arm so I wouldn't fall and let the other rest in my new short locks.
"Can we please go to school now?" Jayden couldn't help chuckling and I released my boyfriend with a smirk as I rolled my eyes at my sister, settling back in my seat.
"I didn't know you were this passionate about your education Kaylee."
"I definitely am now."
We all laugh and Jayden starts driving while I play the music a little louder than I should have this early in the morning.
We arrive and like expected, everyone is inside to be sheltered from the down pour. Kaylee rushes out and I give her a quick hug goodbye before she jets over to her side.
Jayden held my cold hand as we strolled inside and I swung them back and forth immaturely before we reached our group.
"Wow Jess you cut you hair." Maya examines a few stands surprised. "Yeah, you like it?" Her eyebrows contort in playful annoyance, "Jess, you have the kind of face that pulls off anything." I smile appreciating the compliment, only to have my mood instantly drop as the bell rung.
Out of all the changes I've made or am trying to make, I wish school could be one of them. I didn't want to graduate and leave but I don't want to stay here either. It's odd since school used to be my sanctuary.
We all wave goodbye to each other, Jayden drags me to first period then leaves and I sit through my classes bored, staring at the clock for hours.
My phone buzzes and my eyes dart towards my lap. My teacher was the kind of tight ass that would send you to the principal's office if you had your phone out, so I had to be discreet.
An unknown number flashed on my screen and had texted me an address. I stare at it confused waiting for another text to come in explaining.
I had to discreetly alternate between looking at my phone and the board to avoid my teacher noticing my lack of attention.
Once I glance back down I see: Address for the party tonight bubbles. You better be there.
The realization hits that it was Rizzo. I roll my eyes smiling slightly as I saved his number before looking back up to concentrate on the teacher.
As class went on I debated going to a party on a school night. That meant that if I stayed too late or did something stupid, I would want to stay home the next day and random unexplainable illnesses are going to start making my parents suspicious.
It wasn't like I could simply ask permission to go to parties because they wouldn't trust me enough to be responsible. On top of that they would never even consider letting me out on a school night to a strangers home. My only choice was to sneak out, so that meant I had to be responsible at the party or suffer a shitty day in school.
I also had to see who would go with me because there was no way I was going to a party in which Rizzo is the only person I know. He has an extremely extroverted and energetic personality, I would lose him in seconds.
The bell rings announcing lunch and I rise enthusiastically to go in search of my friends.
I quickly find Maddie and Maya already at the picnic table and skidded to a stop in front of them.
"Look. There's something I want to do and before you say no— Madison— hear me out."
"No." She immediately answers assuming it was something horrible. I scoff throwing my hands up, "You don't even know what it is yet." She crosses her arms willing to listen.
"There's a party tonight, and I know it's a school night but look, we're seniors. This is our last year before we're like— full on adults. I want to enjoy it. So I think we should go."
"I'm in." Maya agrees with a shrug, Maddie rolls her eyes, "Fine. But we can't be idiotically irresponsible."
I smirk, proud of myself for actually getting them to agree as fast as I did.
"Yay."
"What are you saying "yay" about?" The boys join us and Jayden squeezes my side before plopping down in front of me.
"I've convinced my lady friends to go to a party with me on a school night."
"What? And you weren't going to invite me?"
"Well you haven't given me a chance, you just jumped in asking me what I was yay-ing about."
He chuckles settling in his seat, "Who's house is it?" I make a face, "How should I know?" Maddie scoffs in disbelief, "You don't even know where it is?" My arms fold over my chest and I roll my eyes at her, "I didn't say I didn't know where it was, I said I didn't know who's house it was. Nosey." She sticks her tongue out at me childishly while Jayden shakes his head at us both, amused.
"You promise you're not gonna do anything stupid tonight?" I scoff, "Nothing by mistake at least."
————
The music was booming, making me feel vibrations in my chest and if it was even possible the house was bigger than the last party I'd been to.
Jayden holds my hand making an effort not to lose me, while Maddie attaches herself to Maya since Ryan didn't feel like coming.
"That's so weird, throwing a party on a weekday. What do you gain?"
"All the lame smart kids don't go." Maya answers with a smirk. Sounded like a pretty smart plan but it didn't take into account the fun cool kids who just have strict parents.
While still holding my hand, Jayden hardly pays us any attention as he greets and is greeted by nearly every human he passes. I sometimes forget how social he actually is and I have to remind myself that I'm the only weirdo who got an exceptionally late start in society.
"Let's get some drinks."
"Responsible Maya. I said we had to be responsible."
"Maddie, to be completely honest with you, Jess and me only listen to you like fifty percent of the time. And guess which side of the fifty it is today?"
I could only smirk as Maddie crosses her arms and Maya shouts excitedly pumping her arms in the air before leaving to go get us drinks. I wasn't the only weirdo.
Jayden was still half hugging people and grinning with small conversations in between as we navigated through the entrance and the strobing lights.
Maya returns and hands us both red solo cups, surprising us with her speed.
With minimal hesitance, I drink it and at first I couldn't exactly taste the alcohol because it was mixed nicely, but it was there.
Tonight I didn't care if I got drunk, I didn't care if I acted reckless, it's a new Jess. A Jess that just doesn't give a shit anymore. No more trying to be responsible and boring and sad. No more of that. I'm partying like Lucinda from now on.
Jayden looks down at me with surprise, "You haven't left my side, when did you get a drink dork?" I chuckle at his genuine confusion, "Maya got it for me." He opened his mouth to respond only to be interrupted by another acquaintance greeting him.
Maddie slowly sipped on her cup while me and Maya held a silent competitive chugging contest.
"Done." I shout first and she growls, "Dammit. Round two?" I smile already feeling immature and needlessly irresponsible, "You're on."
Maddie looks at us both in disbelief, "Guys." She whines loudly.
We roll our eyes and I slowly start to regret bringing her. It was becoming clear that she was only fun at parties on weekends.
"Lighten up Mads. It's a weekday but it's still a party."
I released Jayden's hands letting him know I would find him later, before Maya dragged both of us to the kitchen.
"Come on Maddie, you gotta chug."
"What do I get if I win?" I scoff at her needing a prize, "Bragging rights." She narrows her eyes, "That's it?" I could sense Maya was ready to tackle her.
"Okay, if you win, we'll listen to your responsibility rule. If you don't, you listen to mine." My mouth drops open and I look between them feeling like an audience member witnessing their discourse.
"Alright. But what about Jess?" Maya shrugs, "Jess is just a silent competitor." I cross my arms and pout, "Hey." They both giggle at me.
"How about if I win you guys have to go to as many parties as I drag you to? Even if it's a school night."
Maddie clearly hates the idea while Maya didn't seem too fazed but they were both cocky and overconfident in their abilities.
"Fine. Whatever. Let's go." Maya was noticeably ready to start and I could see she was directing her competition towards Maddie. They didn't have any kind of confidence in me which made me more determined to win.
"Okay, first one to drink the entire cup and flip it upside-down wins."
Maya serves all our cups to the brim which made me nervous being the biggest light weight in the room, but I couldn't back down now.
"Ready?" I wasn't at all but sometimes you gotta live a little. "Go!" I bring the cup to my lips and let the liquid run down my throat, quickly realizing that this doesn't taste nearly as good as the first one since it was now three parts alcohol and only one-part soda. But I had to soldier on as I saw that neither of them even flinched.
I wasn't sure how much experience either of them had with parties. Even though we were insanely close and the best of friends, we haven't actually know each other for a colossal amount of time.
Determined to be triumphant, I took big gulps ignoring the foul taste and the buzzing in my ears that started, and found myself smiling giddily as I flipped over my cup before them and waited for them to be done and realize they had lost to the competitor they hadn't even realized was dangerous.
Maya finishes second and was about to start cheering for herself before she saw I was already done, "What?! Impossible." Jayden comes over laughing about something before he drapes his arm over me, "What's impossible?" Maya growls crossing her arms as Maddie finished last slightly out of breath.
"Jess won our chugging competition."
"What?!" Maddie joins in understanding now that she had underestimated me.
Jayden chuckles impressed, "Good job Cortez." It feels like forever since I've heard him call me Cortez. "I demand a rematch, these drinks were made horribly." Maddie pouts.
I wasn't sure I could survive a rematch.
"What happened to being responsible Mads?" Maya teases her and I smirk feeling a bit wobbly, grateful for the fact that Jayden was somehow steadying me with his own weight.
"What happened to being the friend that does the complete opposite?" Maya narrows her eyes competitively, "Fine. Let's go." They both look to me waiting to hear if I would be competing.
"Uh can I just be referee or something?"
"No, because I want to beat you."
I sighed rubbing my eyes, assessing my situation before I agreed.
Though I worried the alcohol's effects would suddenly hit me like a truck, I didn't feel that tipsy yet, I could still walk, and now Jayden was back so I wasn't worried I would get murdered or anything.
"Let's do this."
I needed full range of motion so I forced Jayden to release me, but I also made sure he remained close.
"Round two." Maddie pours the drinks instead, making sure the taste of alcohol wasn't overwhelming, but it was enough to make the competition challenging.
I'm handed my cup and I look down at the liquid knowing I would feel the consequences of my actions tomorrow.
"I'm going to go get you a water." Jayden says amused knowing it was better to be prepared early.
"Ready? Go." And once again we raised the cup to our lips and started to chug.
This time around it tasted better so she really only made it easier to win.
"Yes bubbles! Chug that cup. Chug it! Chug it!" I recognize Rizzo's voice and he sounded like he was beyond drunk himself.
I keep drinking sensing I was near the bottom on the cup and finish it off quickly flipping my cup only seconds before Maddie and Maya who had managed to finish at exactly the same time.
"Fuck!"
"WhooOoo!" Rizzo cheered for me while Maddie grumbled like a sore loser.
He grabbed my arm and started waving it around, announcing me the winner.
Jayden comes back over holding three bottles of water and gives the other two to my friends before returning to me.
Rizzo was shaking me so forcefully I started to feel dizzy. I wobbled to the side and Jayden catches me gently shoving Rizzo's hand off my arm.
"How do you finish so fast?!"
"...uh I don't know. Stuff just slides down my throat easily I guess."
Jayden covers my mouth to keep me from talking, suppressing his amusement while Rizzo falls over in laughter and both Maddie and Maya giggle wildly.
I couldn't process what it was that I said that was so funny, but I was glad I could entertain them.
Jayden kisses my temple and after a few seconds removes his hand giving me permission to speak again.
"Let's go dance." Maya suggests and they both gravitate towards the dance floor.
"I'll see you later!" Rizzo shouts over the music grabbing a drink before he scurried away.
"I really don't like that guy." I laugh looking up at my boyfriend who wasn't exactly jealous just annoyed, "He's the kind of person you've got to learn to like. It's rare to like him on first instinct." We had to somewhat shout over the music to hear each other.
He brushes the hair out of my face, "How do you know him?" I shrug looking to the floor, "Lucinda introduced us." He sighed in understanding grabbing a hold of my hand, "Let's go dance." And he dragged me over to where my friends were.
I envied Jayden for getting the full high school experience. He did everything a typical teenage boy was supposed to.
Once the effects of the alcohol kick in full force, I dance wildly with my friends laughing loudly, simply enjoying the moment. It was refreshing living in the present.
Everything had been shaky and full of flashing lights and noise but at some point Jayden grabbed a hold of my head and leaned close, "We should get home. We've still got school tomorrow." And I nod knowing it would be best to just sink back to reality and listen.
Jayden leads us all to his car being the designated driver for the night and we all get in.
I try to stay awake as we drop off Maya and Maddie, but it was an almost impossible task as my eyelids felt like they each weighed a million pounds.
By the time the car stops I realize I'm home and I had fallen asleep.
"I'm sorry for falling asleep." My stomach was starting to hurt but I hoped I could just drink some water and feel better. "It's fine Cortez, can you walk?"
I roll my eyes getting out of the car to attempt it. Everything felt tilted but I could walk without assistance.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lean back in to give him a kiss goodbye before turning around and walking towards my front door carefully. I knew it wasn't going to fun trying to navigate in the dark silently, but I had to. Getting caught was not an option.
I unlock the door and enter at an unreasonably slow pace, turn off the alarm, then move towards the stairs.
Strategically, I put my hands on the steps so I could feel them with my fingertips before I actually placed my feet. I felt crazy but I knew it was smart since I couldn't turn on any lights.
Once I had managed to crawl up the stairs, I glide into my room and turn on my light shutting the door with a sigh of relief.
There was movement within my sheets and after a moment of alarm I remembered Kaylee was sleeping in my bed so she could cover for me. If anyone came to check on me, they would see a body and if anyone came to realize she wasn't me I entrusted her with making up an excuse till I could get back.
She rolls over and squints to look at me.
"What time is it?" I didn't know. All I knew was that there was a significant chance of me throwing up due to my dizziness.
I start lazily changing into pajamas while she sat up slightly to observe me.
"Did you have fun?"
"..yeah... lots of fun."
My dirty clothes are thrown in the hamper and I enjoy the feeling of being comfortable.
"Did you drink?" I roll my eyes and go into the bathroom to wash away all traces of the night and pee before going back into the room. Kaylee was still awake waiting for me.
"Well did you?"
"...Yes. But I do not condone underage drinking. It's bad and illegal."
"Oh please."
She rolls over and attempts to go back to sleep. I turn off the light and snatch big gulps from the glass of water she had left on my nightstand table before laying down and trying to ignore the headache I had so I could go to sleep.
~~~~
"Jess, I know you won but please don't make me." A couple days had passed and we had attended a few more parties at my command.
Every day Rizzo and his friends would invite me to another party and practically every day I would say, "Why not?"
Maya and Jayden were very supportive as they thought me going out to parties and being social was much better than me being all sad and lonely, sitting at home thinking about my dead friend that I murdered.
There was another party tonight and both Maddie and Maya were at my house. They weren't allowed to stay because my parents still had me on lock down.
I didn't really mind it anymore since I've gotten better at being the rebellious teen that completely disregards the rules.
They were supposed to leave in a few minutes but what would actually happen is they get in Ryan's car and start driving to the party while Jayden waits for me to text him that my parents were asleep.
Maddie was now trying to back out of our plans even though they were minutes away from being picked up.
"Why Mads? It'll be fun. You can't back out now."
"I have a crap ton of homework Jess."
I put my hands up in surrender, "I mean I obviously want you to go but I can't force you to do anything."
She smiles at my understanding, "I love you. I'll go to another party with you guys I promise. I'm just swamped."
Now it may sound like Maddie is infinitely smarter and more responsible than us but in all actuality, Trevor had started to show up to these parties and I could sense it was making her feel uncomfortable. And while Maddie is smart it didn't mean she was any smarter than us. A party animal could still be a scholar and I was still managing to get all my schoolwork done even though it wasn't at all alluring.
Both girls leave and I got dressed in a white long sleeve with a dress over it before climbing under the covers to hide and patiently wait till my parents fell asleep.
After a few hours of complete silence and darkness throughout the house I declared it was safe.
I texted Jayden to come pick me up and went into Kaylee's room to grab her so she could cover for me in case of an emergency. It had become a routine for us.
It wasn't long before we were at the party, I was lucky that most of them weren't too far from my house. We walked in and Jayden was holding my hand with a mean mug expression. I could tell he was in a sour mood which meant we probably wouldn't be here for too long.
I spot Maya in the kitchen being hugged from behind by Ryan as she prepares a drink. We eventually gravitated towards them and Ryan quickly started chatting with Jayden, distracting them both which gave Maya the opportunity to convince and drag me into a number of bad ideas.
"We should ditch the boys and find your little crazy friend, see how they actually party."
"Rizzo?"
"Yeah."
The thing about Maya is— she has a crazy meter, and when she is regularly allowed to express her craziness, all is well and normal. But if she goes too long withholding and suppressing it, these insane ideas just start to pour out of her and you can't really derail them, you kind of just have to go with them and hope neither of you die in the process.
"What if they're over there doing crack or something? You gonna do crack?" She practically chokes on her laugh, "Where do you come up with this stuff?" I shrug amused with myself.
"Come on. Let's just observe."
She starts to drag me by my sleeve, and I don't stop her. I was already doing a bunch of shit I wasn't supposed to be doing, what's a few more activities?
We notice Rizzo part of a circle surrounding a campfire. The backyard was huge and decorated with white fairy lights and pastel colored lanterns. There was a low hum of chatter and a faint smell of charcoal and grass. It was a peaceful setting that gave off a lot of good vibes.
We walked over to them and I comfortably took a seat next to Rizzo while Maya sat on the other side of me.
"Bubbles you made it. I like how much I'm seeing your face now." I had to smile. He was much more of a clown when he was drunk. "You know, I always wonder how you know about so many parties."
He cracks open a beer with his keys then hands it to me.
"Think about it this way. Let's say everybody throws a party, and you know ten people. You get invited to ten parties. If you just learn to talk to everybody, now you've got an infinite amount of choices for social events."
He takes a swing of his own beer and I couldn't argue with his logic, it seemed pretty solid.
"Cheers to that." Maya responds with a chuckle. I hand her the beer in my hands and she swings it back swiftly, making me cringe since I was sure it didn't taste that great.
"So, my very innocent friend over here wants to know what wild things you guys do at these parties for fun."
"Nothing you would take part in bubbles." He responds shaking his head amused.
His friend hands him some sort of vape pen and they laughed together as smoke was released and the vibe became more chill.
My phone began to ring and my heart dropped as I knew that nobody I actually wanted calling me would be calling this late.
I see Kaylee's name appear on my screen and my thoughts were confirmed.
"Hello?" I answer standing up to separate myself from the noise.
"Code Red. Code Red. You cannot come home."
"What?! What do you mean?"
We never officially established codes but I was sure that the only reason she would be calling was if I were caught.
"Maria came in your room to tell you something. She went to wake you up and—"
"Realized I was you?"
"Duh."
I roll my eyes wishing she would speed up her story.
"She asked where you were and you were honestly going to get in a shit load of trouble but I covered for you and said that you were sleeping at Maddie's."
"And she believed you?"
It now started to click why she said I couldn't come home. A supposed sleep over meant there was no reason for me to come back at all tonight, it also meant I now had to sleep at someone else's place.
"Yeah. I told her that the only reason you didn't ask was because she swears you're depressed and has been keeping you on lock down and you knew she would say "No." She felt bad for being so suffocating so you're mildly off the hook."
With a hand on my forehead, I let out a sigh of relief. I knew I could count on Kaylee to think quick on her feet.
"Great. But now I have to find a place to stay with no clothes to sleep in or to put on in the morning."
"Hey, it was either that or being grounded for the rest of your life."
I roll my eyes still radiating silent appreciation.
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Be safe. And you should let Maddie in on your lie."
"Yeah, that would probably be smart."
We laugh in unison and I hang up going back to the group circle.
"Everything alright Jess?"
"Everything is fine."
~~~~~
"Another party Jess?" My eyes narrow at her judgy tone of voice. I didn't need a lecture right now.
It had been a few days and I had to admit that I had allowed Rizzo to convince me to go to a few more get togethers. It started out with Maddie, Maya, Jayden and occasionally Ryan accompanying me. Then it changed to just mostly Maya, Jayden and I sneaking around at night. Eventually it became a switch off between Maya and Jayden.
My therapist said she thinks I'm partying as a coping mechanism. I had only told her of my adventures because she said I look tired and I wanted to convince her that it was because I was being social and not because I was being kept up all night by the horrors of my past or something. She says she thinks I'm doing it because I refuse to process things completely. I honestly think I'm just partying to keep Lucinda's memory alive.
Kaylee was doing amazingly at covering for me at night but I feared I was being a horrible influence on her. There wouldn't be much time before she was my age and allowed to make my same decisions. I hoped it would be the kind of thing where she was repelled against following in my footsteps because she's seen what it does to a person. I don't want her to become like me. I was a mess even though I refused to admit it out loud.
An extremely put together mess. I felt like I could do and get away with anything.
There was only a few more days left till Lucinda's memorial party. I think that was what was putting me off, but it could also just be that I was now a mess that couldn't be fixed at this point. I don't care anymore though. Not about anything. I couldn't care less what people had to say or thought.
Everything spoken to me lately just sounded like weightless words and it worried me— but not enough for me to do something about it. Other than sneak out every night and try to feel something.
"I'm just having fun. Why do you care? I stopped asking you to come with me days ago."
I pop in a stick of gum and moved my hair out of my face. Maddie was studying my face closely, so I was trying my hardest to appear nonchalant.
"I'm worried about you. You're making horrible choices lately."
"I'm a teenager. That's what I am genetically predisposed to do."
"Not you. You're Jess, nobody expects you to do the wrong thing. Ever."
Starting to walk away in the direction of the parking lot I scoff, ready to end this conversation and go home.
"Well maybe that needs to change. Everyone's expectations of me are way too high."
She stops trying to chase after me, looking defeated as I narrowly escaped into Jayden's car.
"Ugh today feels like it's been going on forever." I noticed Kaylee sitting nervously in the back as Jayden starts driving.
"Yeah, it does... So did Maddie talk to you?"
I slowly craned my neck towards him with wide shocked eyes in utter disbelief.
"You were in on that?"
What the hell? Were they planning an intervention for me or something?
"Look we're just worried is all."
"Well stop worrying. I can take care of myself."
"That's the thing Cortez. I really don't think you can."
We slowly roll up to my house and I was eternally grateful for the fact that this conversation would finally be over.
"Look. The first two years of high school I was getting beat up by my parents, and Junior year I was still figuring out life— so Senior year is my year to go crazy and act stupid."
"I just think you're over-doing it a little, it seems like you're trying to prove something."
My eyebrows hurt from how sternly my face dropped.
"Really?"
"You just don't know how to take care of yourself."
"We'll see about that won't we." I jump out of the car and walk inside fiercely.
My phone buzzes.
Rizzo: you coming tonight?
I can handle myself just fine.