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which happens to be silly incorrect quotes featuring everyone's lovable alchemist and this fic because I just came home at 8 in the night <3
also beware of spoilers
and offensive humor and language
and it's a day late, sorry.
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Cassandra: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.
Eugene: And?
Cassandra: And you are.
...
[Mother's Name]: [Name], get that hideous thing out of the room, would you? accusing fingers at Ruddiger
[Name]: Mom, Varian wants you to get out of his house.
...
[Name] and Varian in future chapters: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.
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[Name]: I love murder mysteries!
Varian, trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.
...
Varian: You love me, right?
[Name]: Normally I'd say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won't like.
...
after the unfortunate events of queen for a day
The fandom: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!
Varian: I'll hate myself in the morning regardless.
...
any crazy accidents that occured
Quirin: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!
Everyone: It's kind of complicated, but Varian-
Quirin: Got it. Forget I asked.
...
Eugene: it's illegal to look better than me.
Cassandra: I guess we're all going to jail then.
...
Varian: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
Rapunzel: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
...
spoilers
[Name]: Hey.
Varian: pissed off You... complete ...ASS! You show up here after WEEKS, and you say "hey"?!
...
Cassandra: What's this?
Rapunzel, hugging Cassandra: Affection!
Cassandra: Disgusting.
Cassandra: ...Do it again.
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Varian: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid!
Varian: I'm actually very good at mathematics.
Varian: Thirdly, I think you might be right.
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Lance: *tapping fingers on table*
Eugene: *taps fingers back furiously*
Rapunzel: ...What's going on?
Cassandra: Morse code. They're talking.
Lance: -.-- ..- .-. / - .... . / -.-. ..- - . ... -
Eugene: slams hands on table YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
...
Lance: The Ocean is a soup.
Eugene:
Eugene: Do elaborate.
Lance: What are needed for something to be a soup?
Eugene: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
Lance: tilts head
Eugene: The Ocean is a Soup.
Lance: The Ocean is a Soup.
...
Varian: You know, people treat me like a god.
Rapunzel: How?
Varian: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
looks over to the growing luster of black rocks
...
Rapunzel: Define "dream".
Varian: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.
Rapunzel: That's too dark!
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[Name]: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?
Varian: Okay.
after the events of secret of the sundrop
King Frederic: Varian! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.
[Name], whispering: Deny everything.
Varian, loudly: That isn't a chair.
...
Angry: Varian is a little bitch.
Red: Why?
Angry: Number one, he's little. Number two, he's a bitch.
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Eugene: don't stop me now by queen plays as he lays bleeding to death in Rapunzel's tower
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[Name]: If you see me in the street, don't be shy! Run over me!
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Varian: Wow, I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy things.
Rapunzel: Those are bones, Varian.
Varian: Not if I look down.
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Varian: Don't let anyone ruin your day. Be a man. Ruin it yourself.
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Everyone: points at Varian and [Name] They're gay AND European!
...
Cassandra: My straight or bisexual friends will send me a picture of the ugliest man I have ever seen and be like-
Rapunzel: Thoughts?
Cassandra: And prayers, girl I don't know what you want.
...
[Name]: Yo, i finally got a new job.
Varian: You're telling me after six years, you finally got out of McDonalds?
[Name]: Yes, sir! No more flipping patty's or serving McFlurries! That's a level up!
Varian: Okay, okay. I see you. So, what? You working at Chick-Fil-A or something? Or a cheesecake factory?
[Name]: Nah, NASA.
Varian:
Varian: NASA... NASA... I dunno any restaurants named NASA.
[Name]: That's because it's not a restaurant. I'm taking about NASA. Like the NASA.
Varian: Like the National Aeronautics and Space Administration? That's where you work?
[Name]: I mean, you could call it that. Like- me and my crew, and everybody else that works there- we just call it NASA for short. That's just a little inside joke we got going on.
Varian: Not even forty-eight hours ago, you were serving four chicken nuggets to morbidly obese children in a C-Class minimum wage restaurant.
Varian: So, excuse me if I get a little feisty when I ask this question but- HOW DID YOU GET A JOB AT NASA?
[Name]: Hey, what can I say man? I'm smarter than I look. There's a lot you didn't know I was capable of.
Varian: What do you even do?
[Name]: I'm in charge of sending people to space. You know, I be like building the rockets- type shit. And I be like working the schematics- type shit.
Varian: Anybody who says schematics and type shit in the same sentence should not be sending anyone to space!
[Name]: What? You don't think I'm smart enough to enter NASA?
Varian: You're so stupid! You thought 9/11 happened in Janurary!
[Name]: Well, at least I was smart enough to cheat on the test to get me into NASA!
Varian: You cheated your way to NASA?
[Name]:
[Name]: No?
Varian: Ight. Go back in there and tell them you quit your job before something bad happens.
[Name]: I can't do that! I just sent my first crew into space!
Varian: Oh my Demanitus-
[Name]: Relax, I basically built the rocket to perfection.
[Name]: Although there were lot of extra pieces.
Varian: What extra pieces?
[Name]: Nothing to crazy. Just mainly this one right here. the engine
Varian: Dear God, I'm sorry for everything my best friend has done. My apologies.
[Name]: You need to calm down. If the rocket ship was gonna fail and crash, it would have-
explosion sounds
...
Cassandra: Every child you find can't be your little sibling!
Rapunzel:
Cassandra: Raps, I didn't mean-
Rapunzel: How could you say that?
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Andrew: This is your new life. I mean, if you know how to kill them.
Varian: Oh, I know how to kill em'. breakdances
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[Name] and Varian: Look at this fatass, giant, morbidly obese cockroach. points at Andrew
...
season one
Eugene: Hey, Siri. Call us daddy.
Siri: I don't see a father in your contacts.
Lance: fucking laughs
Eugene: Well, about that-
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Cassandra: Huh, you really wanna do this, don't you?
Varian: Yes.
Cassandra: You know what? Go for it. Break a leg.
Rapunzel: That's an awful thing to say!
Cassandra: It means good luck.
Rapunzel: Oh.
Rapunzel: Then Varian, I sincerely hope you were hit by a bus.
...
Cassandra: Is this for ghosts?
Varian: It's a thermometer. It's for anything.
Cassandra: What am I?
Varian: checks WHOA!
Cassandra: What's wrong?
Varian:
Cassandra: Wait, what did it say?
Varian: It says you're gay!
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[Name]: We just gotta explain that it's not Dr. St. Croix that we don't like. It's just everything he stands for!
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Eugene: I mean, it's gotta be near water because less than two shelters should be near water- THAT'S IT! They're at the river! What is happening!? Did you hear that!? I actually learned something!
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Varian: Are you sweaty?
[Name]: Yeah, a little. But only because my hand is on fire.
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Eugene: Let me say this in a language you can understand: NO!
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[Name]: Quit!? You can't quit on your friend!
[Name]: When Varian needed me to pull out his baby tooth, did I give up? NO! I kept yanking and yanking and twisting and pulling till' it came out! Sure, it was the wrong one. But it was a big tooth!
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[Name]: And get this. His suicide note was stuck to the fridge with a cookie monster magnet. All he wrote on it: [Name]'s fault.
[Name]: I'm [Name], by the way. Hi! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO HIM!?
...
possible spoilers?
Varian: On your knees!
[Name]:
Varian: I said get down on the ground!
[Name]: What? So we can see eye-to-eye?
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Lance: So, what's the straight this you've ever done?
Cassandra: I killed a guy.
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Varian: Take that depression!
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Lance: Do you hate horses?
Eugene: I don't hate horses.
Lance: Do you hate roosters?
Eugene: I don't hate-
Lance: Do you hate cocks?
Eugene: I love cock-
...
Rapunzel: Y'know, there's a rumor going around?
[Name]: What? That we're gay for each other?
Rapunzel: Yes.
[Name]: No, you see. I'm straight. But if there was a man that I would marry, it would be Varian.
Rapunzel: How'd you feel about that, Varian?
Varian: It's not helping with the rumors.
Rapunzel: I think the kiss you guys shared on my birthday isn't helping with the rumors.
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Eugene: How do I un-bake a cake?
Varian: You- can't? Once you-
[Name]: Alright, Eugene. I need you to listen to me very carefully. Put it back in the oven, set it the negative or whatever temperature you made it at. Leave it in for the exact amount of time you baked it for. It has to be exact! If you un-bake it too much, the flour may turn into wheat and the eggs may turn into a chicken. Don't ask me how.
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Younger [Name]: I know what you are. You like kissing girls.
Cassandra:
[Name]: You're a girl kisser!
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Varian: Aw. That's so sad. Poor Rapunzel.
Varian: Is what I would say if I was a little bitch!
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Rapunzel: Hello?
Varian: Hoe, the things you have lied about.
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Quirin: What's this? Varian got away with murder? I can't say I approve but at least he's trying new things.
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Varian: And I have questions about my life!
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Eugene: Is this what you want!? Come on, strike me down, Zeus! You don't have the-
explosion sounds
...
what I can see them doing in later chapters
[Name]: First, grab a plate! I'm using a paper plate. I know they're bad for the environment, but I'd rather put a gun in my mouth than do another dish. Next up, the bread! I ran out of the good pieces of bread, so I have to use those weird end pieces. Not ideal but we'll make it work! Next up, grab your peanut butter. I don't currently have the top to my peanut butter because Varian's using it was a chemical tray. And now that you got your peanut butter, grab your utensil and start spreading! I'm using a plastic fork because- like I said- I refuse to do dishes ever again in my fucking life and I ran out of plastic knives.
[Name]: I know some of you in the comments section will complain about me using plastic, but I bet you wouldn't say that shit to my face in real life. If this shit ever ends and we go outside again, I dare you to step up to me in the street. Try me, TRY ME! STEP UP, YOU FUCKING PUSSY! YOU THINK I'M FUCKING-
[Name]: There you have it! The perfect peanut butter sandwich!
...
Angry: Get a girlfriend.
Red: Or a boyfriend, Varian's bi.
Angry: Damn, nobody want you for real.
Red: That's what I'm saying, like-
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Varian: You're not ascending to God-hood, you're just dehydrated-
Eugene: Out of my way, gay boy! I'm about to liberate my divine self from this mortal shell!
later
Eugene: ... hopital
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[Name]: There's no place like, I WANNA BE A WITCH!
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Fem![Name]: If you want to know what women want, talk to a woman.
Varian: That's brilliant! Where can I find one?
Fem![Name]: I'm a woman! I'm refined and elegant like a delicate flower you fuck!
...
maybe spoilers?
Varian: I just miss my best friend right now. They live five minutes away from here but they're not there!
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Rapunzel: Just hold on a sec, my friends are- uh- my friends.
Rapunzel: STOP!
Eugene:
Cassandra:
...
Angry: Red! Wake up, Red!
Angry: Come on, Cat! We've got to hide the body! There's no cheese and crackers in prison. So come on!
...
and now, a sneak peak of the next chapter.
...
"We tried everything, but no positive reactions seem to be happening," [Name] began to go on their little rambles, a trait they managed to obtain thanks to Varian (+ 1 rambles). Their eyes were still focused on the cornflowers in their hands, reaching them close to their face to not mess up the crown. "All we got were explosions right to our face."
They were discussing their recent failures revolving around the black rocks. After the events of the exposition and Rapunzel trusting them to help figure out the secrets behind it. All they got so far was it was weirdly connected to Rapunzel. And [Name] was a bit too scared to even touch it, which is why they mixed the compounds and brought ingredients while Varian did the test runs. All they got were minor explosions so far.
"I don't understand. We did almost every single chemical solution I ever made," Varian added on with a puzzled yet frustrated look, groaning as he dropped his barely finished flower crown. "No matter what we do, those rocks aren't reacting. It must be something else..."
Maybe he was overthinking. It's only been a week or two. Usually, it takes him longer to find any source of light in any of his experiments. And yet this time, he felt like he had to know what's the deal with these black rocks.
And perhaps to continue helping [Name] with their questions revolving around the unusual incidents that occurred before. Like when the giant pipe that was going to crush them broke mysteriously or when the ground almost shook when they snapped at Dr. St. Croix for disqualifying him in the science exposition.
"Maybe we should mix new compounds?" [Name] suggested out of the blue, just barely managing to finish their flower crown. Decorated in blue, that seemed to be the only defining trait to justify the crown's beauty in their perspective. It looked wonky, about to fall apart, and some petals were falling into their hands.
Did that stop them from placing it on Varian's head? Nope. They went along with placing the crown of cornflowers on him, adjusting it so it wouldn't dare to fall off.
Varian giggled a bit at their small act of kindness, touching the flower crown sitting on his head like a throne with such care. A small, blue petal fell off the stem of one of the cornflowers, finding its way down to his nose. He huffed the petal away, making it sway away and towards [Name]'s nose. The duo looked at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles.
Seems like their thoughts about the black rocks seemed to fade away whenever the two had fun.