TW: suicide, detailed cannibalism, graphic mentions
___
Alastor has always been a mystery. He's always been the radio demon, the charming serial killer, and that's it. Thats all everyone really knows, really. And it's been that way, always has, and Alastor is okay with that, content with it. sure his small circle of close friends know more than that, and also charlie who found her way into his heart, of course. But he can't help but feel regret, not only about his decisions in hell, but even in earth, more especially. the world where he committed the sins that got him down to where he lies today.
He knows he's disappointed his mother, he was always her baby boy, the son she'd make a sandwich for everyday for lunch, even in his early 20's. But he his so many secrets from her. His love for the taste of human flesh, the way it feels against his teeth or how blood squirts out when his teeth sink into the skin, how lovely it is, or the lives he took, the lives he watched stare at him in horror as he'd strangle them or stab them.
He knew his mother would hate him if she ever found out, which is why he got rid of her before she ever could. That one night when he found the urge pounding at his tight skin, when he hadn't had a feast in weeks due to helping his mother around the house, he needed to act. The way she sat peacefully on the couch, knitting without a care in the world as a song played on her radio and he just- took that from her. Took her peace and threw it away when he lost control and stabbed her. stabbed her over and over until he knew she wouldn't be alive to experience what he'd do to her, and well- ate his mother. He remembers putting a towel over her head so he wouldn't have to feel the pain of seeing her face. It felt like his mind went blank that night.
That was the day he knew he ruined two lives that night. One his mother, and two, his own. He remembers so clearly walking out that house in horror and regret, covered in blood. It was already bad enough given the fact he was a black man in the 1930's, and being seen covered in blood was just enough to give the people the chance to do what they wanted to, the way the white police officer ran up with gun in hand and forced him to the ground, then another officer, and another, cuffing his wrists as they roughly handled and kicked and punched at him, until he was gasping for air until they finally put him out his misery. that one stomp on his head, really did do it.
He thought of it more as a favor, though. he didn't want to be alive, he didn't want to live knowing he did what he did to his mother, look in the mirror and see the face that was once covered in his own mommies blood. But unfortunately for him he was dropped to hell where sinners are taken to live with the bad deeds they've done forever, with no forgiveness nor pity. Alastor worked around that though, he didn't want forgiveness, he didn't want to be acknowledged, he wanted fear, people to see him and run away, people to leave him alone.
And he did just that! His heart grew cold, and pity or empathy was something he could no longer feel, or didn't allow himself to feel. He grew the title of the charming shit eating smile radio demon. The decades he spent in hell he's made deals he regret, killed people he regret, but everything he's done was to grow power. Power is something he needed, something he truly craves and hungers for. And that's what got him to where he is now, One of the strongest overlords in the pride ring, and he's got to say he is pretty proud of himself.
Was it all useless? A waste of his time? Should he have just stayed in the shadows where he belongs, minding his own business for once? Maybe if he did, he'd be an actual attendee in this hotel so he could see his mother, actually try to be a good man. Maybe he'd have a wife. Or a husband. Maybe even kids? Maybe he'd start that business and open the small shop he's always wanted to open, where he sells antiques and radio equipment. and maybe even his home upstairs? Or even possibly his family helps work that workshop.
Things would be simple, truly it'd would be. So does he regret it? No. But should he? Is he really all that selfish, or is he being reasonable? When he came to hell, his very first thought was, wow! nobody knows who i am here. what if i start new? But that was until the whole overlord shit came to mind and he went berserk with it. Is it true he really did have a good heart until it froze and could only be unfrozen by smashing it with a hammer?
He's worked years to get to where he id now, killed so many, and although he's satisfied, he also isn't, in a way. It's kind of like, he's done all of this to do something hes worked so hard for and..Now what? What does he do now? Does he continue doing what he does, or does he just sit at peace. Both seem..not appealing to his eyes, leaving him stumped, and feeling complicated with everything, like a snail who traveled so slowly yet so very long to get to its destination, only to be get there, and be killed. Not that he's been killed, per say.
So here he stands today, in his radio tower where he's recorded broadcasts of his victims for decades now, standing in his balcony as he watched over Hell. Its so familar now, he's watched from up here for so long, it's almost like a speech he has memorized. He remembers exactly which building is the v's tower, where in the distance is Lucifers castle, Carmilla's building, and you get the point. Is it humiliating his radio tower is connected to the hazbin hotel right now? Sure, maybe a little but he couldn't give a shit what those mess of an overlords think, irrelevant they are.
His ears perked up hearing a door open and his ears shifted to the noise, his head eventually following. He watched as a familiar face cautiously started walking around, seeming unsure. ''Am i needed?" Alastors staticy voice questioned, causing the intruding fellow to jump a bit. "AH- fuck! You scared me!" "And your in my tower, without permission, my majesty." his eyes glared at him, smile twitching. Alastor isn't very fond of those who come unannounced in his privacy. "Well im sorry, im not the one who's been cooped up in my room all day, am i?" Lucifer scoffed as he began walking over.
"Mm, your concerned? And here i thought you were, and i quote, too good for anyone." Alastor chuckled at himself, causing Lucifer to roll his eyes, as he approached, standing besides alastor as he looked up at him, although alastors eyes stuck onto the city. "Well- Charlie sent me. She was worried about you, but was too scared to come in here. Wanted me too see whats up." Lucifer said as he placed a hand on the railing of the balcony. "But- seriously. Are you okay? Been in here all day and right now you look..rough." Lucifer said, eyes watching for anything, any mannerism.
"What, is my hair out of place?" Alastor asked dumbly, glancing at Lucifer who sighed. "No, not rough like that! Like- i can see somethin' in your eyes. That twinkle or whatever in your eye isnt all there right now." Lucifer said, leaning against the balcony as Alastor grumbled something. "Im quite alright, my king. Im just--- thinking, i suppose." Alastor shrugged, looking down at his hands that rested on his cane, before he looked back at Lucifer awkwardly. "Aboutttt?" The king trailed off, hoping for an answer which Alastor surely knew he'd pry. He scoffed, "Why thats none of your concern, is it now?"
"Well, i think it is, because im concerned." Lucifer said, a hand on his own hip as he gave Alastor an unamused look. Sure he hates the dude and he hates him equally, Lucifer can't help but have sympathy in his heart. He can tell when someones feeling down, and although alastors smiling like always, his eyes tell stories, and he's able to read them clearly. Alastor let a soft sigh escape his lips and his gaze on lucifer left, instead fixating right back on the city. He found making eye contact in this situation is rather.. uneasy for him.
"Lucifer, i have a question." The radio demon spoke, feeling the kings eyes on him. "Ask away." "Do you have any regrets?" he questioned, and it caught Lucifer a bit taken back but it was nothing he couldn't handle. "I..Yeah. Yeah, sure i do." Lucifer said unsurely, not very sure of where this conversation will be going but he's also nosey and curious and wants to see where it ends. "Well, of course you do. im sure everyone does. What i mean is, Is there anything you wish you could've done different? Perhaps something that would make your life different than what it is today?" the radio demon tapped his cane a couple times.
Lucifer furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at him. "uh..yeah, yeah. I suppose there's a few things..?" Lucifers gaze looked into the city aswell, leaning against the railing with his arms crossed on it. "What may those be?" Alastor questioned. He felt the need to know he wasn't alone, that he wasnt the crazy one. Lucifer cleared his throat and straightened his posture, "Oh. Well- Sometimes, i wish I'd do better in heaven, so i wouldn't end up here. Or especially, more available for Charlie back then."
Alastor slowly nodded. "Well- those were choices you made, yes? you chose to do them?" He asked lucifer who shrugged, "Well yeah, partially. in heaven i was all blinded in pride, made dumb choices. But Charlie.. that wasnt exactly a choice. Her mother had just left, she was..sad, emotional, angry and i was stuck in bed, unavailable. At the time, communication was hard so that's when she left to start the hotel." Lucifer explained, guilt heavy in his body.
".. How about you, Alastor? you got any?" He asked, and Alastor let out a sigh. "I suppose i have a few. I.. I'll tell you if you dont tell a soul, is that clear?" Alastor warned, crimson eyes looking at lucifer while lucifers dark eyes met his eyes. "Crystal clear, man." Lucifer put defensive hands up and chuckled. Alastor nodded and looked back at the chaotic city, "Well..I regret doing what I've done. to become an overlord. I've killed many, committed many sacrifices, thrown things away. I often ponder, wondering if things would be better if i never done everything."
"Or- i wanted to open a shop, and start a family, before i wanted to become an overlord." Alastor confessed, Lucifers expression softening, his lips turning to a frown. He'd never expect that from Alastor, he thought alastor was just born with a cold heart, but it seems once upon a time he had dreams too, dreamed to Even have a family? "Wanted to marry, maybe a husband, I'd rather not get bossed around by a lady," he started, a small smile on his face, "One child. If it were a girl, I'd name her Penelope, if it were a boy, I'd name him Michael." Alastor said, like he's thought this through very thoroughly.
Lucifer found himself genuinely feeling bad for Alastor, he knows the feeling. the longing for something you can no longer achieve, the infinite thoughts of what if's. "We'd live somewhere secluded, somewhere where sinners wouldn't be a danger to our child. And..and i think I'd be happy there." Alastor sighed, looking down. Why is he telling Lucifer this? Can he even trust him? isn't he supposed to hate him? he is. but right now, he finds hate being something he's not worried about. "Is that why you love Charlie so much?" The king asked, earning a nod. "Indeed. i usually dont grow fond of others that quickly, but- you've raised a good one, Lucifer."
"Yeah, yeah i guess i have.." he trailed off. The entire time, Alastors love and affection for Charlie wasn't just to mainly piss Lucifer off? It was because hes always wanted a child, and charlie is perfect in his eyes? Fuck. "Although, I've thrown it all away. I had another chance and i wasted it on becoming who I've become today. I suppose that makes sense though, dreams don't come true in hell." Alastor chuckled at himself like hes an idiot. "Dont say that, dreams can come true. I mean, look at Charlie, right? Her dream of redemption came true, Pentious made it to heaven." Lucifer said, while Alastor just shook his head. "You dont want to start new?"
"Its too late for that. Its not safe for me to start a family no longer." Alastor gripped the railing, while Lucifer stared at him with pity in his eyes. "Lucifer, i ask of you to read this. Then pass it on to the next person on he list." Alastor said as he pulled a folded up paper out his breast pocket and held it out to Lucifer, who stared at it in concern. "What is this?" Lucifer asked and Alastor rolled his eyes, "Dont ask questions, my king. Just- dont read it until you get to your room."
Lucifer hesitantly took the paper, and stuck it in his pocket, "Ooooookay..? Um, im assuming i should go?" "Indeed." Alastor nodded and Lucifer sighed. "Well, this was fun," Lucifer sarcastically started, "I'll see you downstairs later?" Lucifer asked as he started walking backwards towards the door, pointing finger guns at Alastor who gave a weak smile and nodded, "Like always." Alastor said, and turned his head back to the view of hell. Lucifer swear he saw a frown on his face when he looked away but maybe he's just paranoid, so he turned around and started walking towards the door.
Right when he was about to leave, he paused, where is his cane? "Oh! Silly me, i forgot my c-" he turned around, but froze seeing Alastor begin to climb over the railing. "Alastor!" Lucifer yelled as he began running over, but he was too late. Alastor glanced back at him with a frown, guilt and pain filling those crimson eyes as he let go of the railing and started his fall. Lucifer choked on his breath slightly and increased his speed. No, no its not too late, he has a chance still, he can still make that family, right?
Lucifers wings sprung beautifully from his back and he pounced off of the balcony and began flying as fast as he could towards alastor who closed his eyes, waiting to meet the ground. "Al!" Lucifer yelled, tears in the corner of his eyes as he reached out, as if that would increase his speed. But he was too late. just as he was about to grab Alastors shirt collar, he hit the ground. Lucifer instantly got to the ground and kneeled down besides him, "Alastor? Al, hey, buddy-- hey." he gently slapped his cheek or shook his shoulders to see if he was okay, but he stayed unresponsive.
a Puddle of blood began spreading from underneath alastor, Which made Lucifer panic more. "No! Please, please get up!" Lucifer said, holding his hands over alastor, trying to use his magic to revive him, but it wouldn't work. Deep down, it was telling him he was meant to be gone now, to no longer suffer. A tear streamed down Lucifers pale cheek and dropped down onto Alastors forehead, Lucifer holding him in his arms. "No, im so sorry- i- im so sorry, please." He begged frantically. "You- you still had a chance Alastor, I'd make sure of it. I'd make sure you get your husband- and Penelope or Michael, Please!" Lucifer sobbed, holding onto him tightly as his wings wrapped around them both, protecting them from the vile world.
It seems the commotion could be heard, And Charlie came running out the front door, "Dad?! is that you?!" Charlies voice called out as she approached. "Charlie, it- it wasn't my fault, i swear." Lucifer cried, "What, what wasn't your fault?" Charlie questioned, until his wings retracted, revealing them. Charlie gasped, quickly getting on her knees, searching for a pulse on him, "he just jumped! i tried to save him but i was too late!" Lucifer said, choking on tears, both morningstar's eyes meeting eachothers gaze.
"..He jumped?" Charlie asked and Lucifer nodded, wiping tears off his face, "Yeah. i-" he gulped, "I didn't expect it. we were talking and i was leaving and when i looked back- he jumped." Lucifer said and Charlies gaze turned to alastors who's eyes were shut and his smile was nowhere to be seen, it was strange seeing that. "He has no pulse." Charlie said as tears bubbled up in his eyes, and she put a hand over her mouth. "Oh my god, Alastor.." she mumbled and backed up from him, before running away to achieve help.
Lucifer began sobbing again, holding alastor in his arms, despite all the blood getting on him. Why did he care so much, and why did it hurt? It felt like his heart had been stabbed, and fuck it burned. Heavy tears dropped onto alastor beneath him who layed lifeless. Soon, Charlie, Vaggie and Husk came running out. Husk only came because hes experienced in medical emergencies. Angel dust stood in the doorway, holding a horrified nifty staring at the scene. Charlie ended up having to pull Lucifer away from Alastor so Husk and Vaggie could get to Alastor.
Charlie hugged Lucifer, "Its okay. Daddy, it isnt your fault." She said, hugging him tightly, although Lucifer couldn't hug back. His mind was fuzzy and he felt numb as he stared at Alastor, limp, and the coming ambulance sirens being heard in the distance. Charlie sighed and let go of him. "i- i have to go open the gate for them. I'll talk to you later, okay..?" "mhm." Lucifer mumbled and made his way inside to go to his room.
____
A few tears fell down his cheeks as he sat at the edge of his bed, hands ducking into his hands as he whined. "fuck." he mumbled, before suddenly remembering something. his hands pat around his pockets until he found it, pulling out the paper. This all makes so much sense now, its a note. A goodbye note maybe? He was scared to read it. He stared at it, fear growing inside him as he began unfolding the paper. Once he fully unfolded it, the paper was absolutely full, front and back. "Oh my god.." he said under breath, before beginning to read.
(the paper ↓)
1. Lucifer
2. Charlie
3. Nifty
4. Rosie
5. Darlene Altruist
Salutations, Lucifer! im sorry. i dont know how to start these things, I've never wrote one before. which is good, but now i think its bad HAHA!
sounds like alastor already.
but seriously, i apologize. i..think we both know what happened by now. i don't know how you feel, considering we dont get along, but your in here for a reason. No, not because your a reason i killed myself, but i think at this point it may be a confession, explanation at most.
I think i loved you, Lucifer. I've never loved a soul in my time in hell, but i loved you. i loved the way you walk, the way your so goofy no matter what the situation is, your laugh, your cockiness, and you. I didnt believe myself at first, it was a strange concept, especially it being you. But i did. I even went to Rosie for some type of explanation to the way my stomach did a backflip when I'd see you, and she asked me if i always keep an eye out to see if your here, or stare at you when you aren't looking, i said yes. She asked me if i worry about how i look for you or what you think about me, and i said yes, which is weird because i usually dont even care about those kind of things, but then she told me that's how she felt with her ex husband when they were in love. And i remember how in love those two were, so i knew i was in love with you, Lucifer. I never knew if you loved me too, i hope you did. I mean i remember every time we'd accidentally make eye contact and we'd instantly look away, i was delusional enough to think that meant you liked me, too. I've always been too scared to say anything about it, confess or even try to get closer to you. i knew it'd seem suspicious, so i stayed away and delt with admiring from afar. It saddened me seeing you sad when you were, which was even weirder. i was almost obsessed with you since i knew I'd never get to have my hands on you, in a way where'd i get to put my hand on your waist, or hold your hand. This wasn't a crush, i was in love with you, i still am, Lucifer. Im sure i told you about my dream, on how i long for a different life in hell with a true love and MAYBE kids. Well, if i had to choose, it'd be you. I'd put a ring on your finger, i long for the feeling of knowing you love me back, and it burns so much knowing that wont be happening. im sorry if this is making you uncomfortable, but Lucifer, i wonder if i ever made a move on you and something really began between us, I'd be here today. Im not saying its your fault, but its mine. i should've made a move, even if you dont love me.
"I do, Alastor. i love you." Lucifer mumbled, tears dropping onto the paper as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He choked on tears as he wondered how happy he'd be if Alastor did confess to him. He'd be..happy. so happy. The thought of alastors warmth made him smile, but it hurts so bad he can't get that anymore.
And now Charlie. Oh, Charlotte. i cant explain how sorry i am. i assure you i wish nothing more but to still be here with you, but i can't, i couldn't handle anything anymore. Charlie, do you remember how i told you your like the child i wish i had? that was truth. I've always wanted a daughter, and you were just..perfect. the way you stayed positive, tried your best to better everyone around you, and tried to love everyone despite how difficult it was, your the hardest worker ive ever met. Although were polar opposites, i cant help but be proud of you. Although at first, it angered me how absent your father was and i wanted to erase how sad that made you, and try and make things better for you by helping around. I hope i did help you, because i care about you, Charlie. You satisfied me for my longing for a beautiful girl I've always wanted to care and love for.
Now..Nifty. im gonna keep this short, but im proud of you, dear. I know i own your soul and I'm keeping you at this hotel, but im glad i do. Because your a gem, very energetic and sure your a bit strange but im sure you got some good in your meanings. You've always been a sweetheart, one of the favorite souls i own, you are. I never had to hold anything against you, never had to punish you, i always cared for you. Gave you food, gave you a place to stay if you were on the streets again, and i hope you appreciated it. And now im sorry to be leaving you like this, but your free now.
Lucifer had no idea they were actually that close, he just assumed he's forcing her to be here and is putting on a show for everybody.
Rosie. My dear, rosie. I've known you for decades, and I'm very glad i met you. At first, we were kinda off about eachother, until we realized we weren't all that bad, and hit it off ever since. Do you remember that one day, when i still lived in cannibal town and you caught me looking clueless, and you offered me a mans finger and a seat with her. At first i was weirded out by you but i accepted you, and you made me laugh in ways i haven't in a long time that night. That..was a nice night. im going to miss those with you. im going to miss you. I wish we could talk for days and days, but that won't be a option anymore, sadly. Im not sure where im going to end up, its kind of scary. I don't think I'll end up in heaven so.. where? start a new life? i dont know, its terrifying. But if i ever die in my next life and end up back in hell, I'll look for you first. Although i hope you don't be here, you have one of the kindest hearts i know. so kind i think it'd be sweat if i ate it HAHA! but really, i think your fit for redemption, Rose. I think your ready to be forgiven, and put yourself on a good track. the cannibal part might be hard but..you get the point. i love you, rosie.
And finally, Darlene. Momma. Whoever is reading this right now before my mom, your probably wondering, hey? how do I get this to her? where even is she? well, pay a visit to heaven and have it sent to her. there ya go. Anyways, Momma. I've missed you. I know your angry, how your son turned out to be a crazy cannibalistic serial killer behind your back, im sorry. I couldn't tell you, how could i? you'd probably dis own me, or even rat me out. because your a good woman, you dont need that kind of bad energy In your life, i get that. But really, i wish i didnt. i wish i was truthful to being your good boy, your sweet, innocent, baby boy like you called it. I can imagine how hard you want or wanted to slap me, and i deserve that, i guess. Im not asking for forgiveness, although it would be nice, i just thought i should get some last words in before i really am gone for good because i think we all know im not making it to heaven, ha ha ha ha. But i miss you, momma. i miss your hugs, and your pie. I've needed a hug for you for so long, so many moments in my life where i just need my mommies hug to make me feel better, but i couldn't get that. I know i betrayed you when i killed you, and i will never live that down, i still look in the mirror everyday and cuss at myself for the sin I committed and i still have nightmares of it. I..lost control that night, and i think the police did you a favor in killing me, momma.
Anyways, i think its time to come to an end. All of you were included because..i love you all. and i just needed you to know that..needed to make sure you knew im not entirely cold and needed to make sure you knew it wasn't your fault. welp, bye, i guess. And Lucifer, will you wait for me? if its through heaven, or another life, will you wait for me? i dont know if we'll know if its me or whatever, but its all i ask.
Yes, Alastor. I'll wait for you. Either if its decades, millenniums to centuries, I'll wait forever for you,my love.
___
A/N: sorry to put this at the end of a..rough oneshot but im thinking making the next one based on smut? put your thoughts here!