"Let's have a contest between Glenn and Hyejin- who's face gets redder?" Daryl proposes, pouring a glass of wine.
Glenn laughs, but I just stay silent. The group continues to laugh and talk with joy.
I was sitting on the bar counter. I pull a knee up to my chest and wrap my arm around it, watching them. My eyes cut to the doors, looking for a way out. But, I was stuck.
I look at Doctor Jenner, the man who let us in. He was the only one left of the entire CDC. That just felt like a bigger red flag to me.
Jenner looked like me.
Silent.
Alone.
Stuck.
I hop off the counter, feeling like the room was closing in. I planned to sneak past everyone in their partying mode, but Jenner grabs my wrist.
"There's showers in the corridors, just go easy on the hot water. Cots are in storage if you'd like," he whispers.
At the statement, I wonder if he also felt the same way I did. Did he see me looking silent, alone, and stuck?
"Thanks," I respond shortly.
Rick taps some silverware on his wine glass for a toast. I hurry out as quietly as possible, leaving unnoticed.
--
I knew I was probably the biggest buzzkill ever as I sat with Carl, Sophia, and Carol. The kids were playing board games while Carol and I sat on the couch.
"Want a drink?" Carol asks, holding up the wine bottle.
"I'm nineteen," I remind Carol.
"Something tells me that age has never stopped you," she says with a smile.
"Shit," I comment, grabbing the bottle from her. "You're right."
I don't open the bottle. I wouldn't drink with Carl in the room.
"Thanks," I tell her.
"Can't bring myself to have more than a sip," she admits. "Ed was the drinker. Not me."
I toy with the paper around the cork of the bottle.
"Are you all right?" Carol asks.
"Tired," I say, not a lie but not the whole truth.
"Claustrophobic? Like me?"
"Wasn't before. I think I'm getting there, though."
"You can talk to me," she promises. "It's safe."
I lean my head back on the couch and stare at the lights in the ceiling.
"Feel trapped," I admit. "I feel.. not safe."
"This is the safest we've ever been," Carol reminds.
"Maybe that's why."
"Lori and I.. back at the camp," I recall. "I told her that the pain and abuse I went through made me feel safe because it was all I knew. I guess that became true with the world as a whole."
Carol pats my knee. "I get that. More than anyone."
I puff out a breath, knowing she was right. While others might find it hard to agree, I knew Carol understood my past more than anyone. Maybe even more than Shane.
"I didn't mean to air out your dirty laundry in front of everyone. I'm sorry. That was a shitty thing to do," I apologize. She must have felt embarrassed crying in front of everyone as Ed was in a beaten pulp.
"No need for sorry's. You probably had some PTSD when you put two and two together."
"PTSD?" I repeat.
"It's a mental thing. Like depression."
"Depression is my best friend. She's had my back my whole damn life," I joke, making Carol scoff.
Lori enters the rec room and I groan softly. She sends Carl to bed, though Carl makes sure to hug me goodnight and I kiss him on his cheek before he goes. For a minute or so, it's quiet between Lori and I.
"Hyejin-"
"We don't have to talk," I cut her off. "Just.. it's better if we don't."
"Things were said back at camp," she recalls. "And I didn't mean a lot of it."
I pick my head up to look at her. "You didn't?"
"You are family.. I just.. I'm confused. I'm.. scared.." she works out slowly.
"Rick got shot. The world went to shit. We thought Rick was dead. You fucked Shane. Rick came back alive. It's not that hard," I inform.
She scoffs and crosses one arm, the other still holding a glass of wine. "You only say that because you didn't live it."
"Me seeing the woman I thought was an aunt fuck my father isn't confusing?" I question. "Believe me. I'm more confused than you are on you and Shane's shitty choices."
Her eyes soften for a split second at the terms of endearment I had for her and Shane. "I never wanted it to get this far."
"Then, why did you do it in the first place?"
She goes quiet for a moment. I could see the struggle in her eyes. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to encourage her to open up or not, but I didn't have the energy to do so.
"Maybe you're just a shitty person," I decide.
"Hyejin," she scolds.
"And maybe Shane's a shitty person for going through with it, too."
"That isn't fair."
"No, what's not fair is you standing here preaching to me about what's not fair. You and Shane could have ruined our lives with this. Whether I'm an outsider or not, I'm still legally Shane's problem," I remind.
"That stopped when you were eighteen," she disses.
"And yet, I stayed," I point out. "And Shane wants to tell Rick. But, you can't be woman enough to own up to your mistakes?"
"I know that I made a mistake."
"Well, you sure as hell aren't taking accountability for it. The longer you hide it from Rick-"
"Rick does not need to know-"
"That's not fair!" I call out her hypocrisy. "That man has gone through hell because of you even before the world went to shit. And now, you've done the ultimate betrayal of fucking his best friend, and you can't even tell him because you don't have the balls to face it?"
"You're assuming a whole lot here. I don't even know why you're putting yourself in the middle of this."
"You're the one that wanted to fucking talk, Lori!" I cry out.
"So, what? I'm just supposed to tell my husband that I betrayed him?"
"Anyone with common courtesy would."
"And how would he take that?"
"Like the man he is. He loves you. He loves Shane. The longer you try to hide it from him, the more it'll hurt once he finds out."
Lori scoffs and paces a few steps. I roll my eyes and stand up, taking the bottle of wine with me.
"You're both acting like Rick is stupid and we all know good and well he's not. Hell, he probably already figured it out the second he stepped foot in camp," I continue to bitch at Lori.
"Is this your play of threatening to tell him?"
"No, it's my common fucking sense," I sneer. "I wouldn't tell him because I respect the three of you enough to not do that. But, fucks sake Lori.. Rick deserves to know."
Lori shakes her head in denial. I decide to leave before the argument could further escalate. I stomp out of the room and slam the door behind me.
I knock on the only closed door in the hall. Daryl answers with a wet head from the shower.
"What?" he asks.
I hold up the bottle of wine. "Drink?"
𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--
the growth the pain the angst the drama
hyejin and daryl besties forever