A/N
Mentioning of self harm and suicidal thoughts/ actions
I wake up to my alarm and groan, reaching out to turn it off. Today, I'm talking with Hannah and I feel a bit nervous. I want to explain a few things from last year so she understands better and can hopefully worry less. I consider getting her a gift to apologize properly, but the more I think about it, the sillier it seems.
I rub my eyes and grab my phone, sending my message to Hannah. As expected, I get the eye roll emoji in response, but it still brings a smile to my face.
As I'm getting ready, I hear my mom calling me from downstairs.
"Yes?" I shout back.
"Can you come down here for a second?" she asks.
"Yeah, just give me a moment," I reply, quickly finishing covering up the hickey before heading downstairs.
"What's up?" I question as I enter the kitchen.
"I wanted to let you know that your dad won't be home until tomorrow. He got called into work last night, and it's a case a few states over," she explains, and I nod in understanding. "I'm also heading out early today and won't be back until late, so feel free to order something for dinner if you'd like."
"Got it. Thanks for letting me know. Have a good day," I bid her farewell as she heads out the door.
"Bye!" she calls back before closing the door behind her.
Diva comes charging at me, and I have to steady myself to avoid falling down. She's just come in from the backyard, so her paws are a bit dirty, leaving tracks on the floor.
"Hey there, girl. Enjoy your time outside?" I greet her as I give her some pets and set out her food. While she's eating, I fix something for myself and settle onto the couch. It's normally a no-eating zone, but with my parents out, I take advantage and indulge in some TV time while I enjoy my breakfast.
After about twenty minutes, I switch off the TV, gather my school stuff, slip on my shoes, and head out the door. Thankfully, Dad was picked up, so I can have the car. As I'm driving I think about getting that gift. It doesn't need to be extravagant, just something small to show I'm genuinely sorry. And also just because I want too.
Passing by a jewelry store, I decide on a bracelet. I've noticed she always wears a simple gold one, so I opt for something similar. I settle on an 18k gold stainless steel snake bracelet that I think she'll appreciate. It was on sale, so the price wasn't too bad either.
I tuck the bracelet into my bag and head to school. Despite the slight detour, it's still early, so I make my way to my locker to grab my English. Since the teacher is absent for the second class, we have a free period, and I'm hoping we can have the talk then. I can't bear being nervous all day.
As the bell rings, signaling the start of class, I bump into Jennifer on my way.
"Hey! How was the fair after I left?" I ask, curious about what they got up to without me.
"Not much happened, to be honest. But why did you leave so early?" Jennifer questions, and I quickly come up with an excuse.
"I wasn't feeling well, so I headed home and crashed," I lie, and she seems to buy it.
"I think Rose wasn't too pleased about that," she chuckles, reminding me that I forget to let her know I was leaving early.
"I'll send her a message later to apologize," I promise, and Jennifer nods in understanding.
"By the way, Rose mentioned you're seeing someone, which is why you weren't too interested in her," Jennifer adds.
"Well, I am kind of seeing someone. It's just complicated and I didn't want to get her hopes up to much. She seems like a really sweet girl," I explain, just as Ms. Anderson enters the classroom, making both of us go quiet.
Throughout class, Ms. Anderson's gaze meets mine a few times, her expression firm and focused, as always. Despite trying to concentrate, my mind keeps drifting, knowing that I have to discuss something deeply personal after class.
Glancing at my watch, I see there are only five more minutes left. They're the longest five minutes I've ever had to sit through, but eventually the bell rings. I quickly gather my things and let Jennifer know that I'll catch up with her later in the cafeteria, as I have a few questions for Ms. Anderson. Which is not entirely true, but I can't tell her the truth.
After everyone leaves, I close the door and turn to her.
"Are you free to talk now?" I ask, unsure if she has a free hour too.
"Yes, I am," she nods as she stands up and leans against her desk.
"I wanted to apologise for the way I reacted yesterday," she listens and I go on. "I just wasn't expecting to have that talk." I smile at her.
"I understand. I do realise I crossed the line and I would understand if you're mad at me," she says.
"I'm not mad at you," I assure her, shaking my head a little. "I actually like to be more open about it. As long as you keep it to yourself. The school doesn't know," I explain, seeing her face soften in surprise.
"You don't have to," she reassures, but I already made up my mind.
"I want to," I smile, and she nods once before gesturing to sit down. She sits on a chair besides me and I think about where to start.
"I won't delve too deeply into it, but for the past two years, I've been in a dark place," I begin. "I tried to cope on my own without burdening anyone, but looking back, it wasn't the wisest choice. I resorted to self-harm just to silence the voices, even if it was only temporary relief. It was as if I needed to make the outside hurt more than the inside," I explain, feeling the weight of the memories. "It started small, just when things became overwhelming, but it soon became addictive. I found myself doing it for every emotion, numbing myself over time. That's when it got really bad," I pause, swallowing hard as she gently takes my hands in hers.
"You don't have to continue if you don't want to, okay? You don't owe it to me," she reassures, and I offer a soft squeeze, indicating that I want to share.
"I reached a breaking point one night when my parents were out. I swallowed a bottle of pills with the help of alcohol. I- I actually died that night," I confess, brushing away a tear. "Waking up in the hospital, all I wished for was to go back and make a better decision. I started seeing a therapist and I still see her every now and then. She helped me overcome my self-harm addiction and made me realise the world isn't that bad of a place, as long as you try to see the good in it," I smile briefly as I remember it. "So I mean it when I say that you don't have to worry about me. I'm okay now. I'm just not comfortable with my scars showing and people making up there minds about me," I finish, locking eyes with her. Her eyes are glossy, letting me know she's on the verge of crying, but she's making her best effort to not give in.
"Have you shared this with anyone else before?" she questions, and I shake my head.
"No. The only people that know are my parents and my aunt. You're the first person I told. And I wanted to tell you now so you know what you're getting yourself into. I'd understand if you didn't want anything to do with me anymore," I explain, noticing the pained expression on her face.
"Why would I want that?" she asks, puzzled, and I shrug.
"For many people, it's too much to handle. That's why I want to ensure you know my problems are mine, not yours. People often think that once you share such a story, you expect them to fix you or something, but that's not what I want. I just want you to understand me better and to stop worrying," I clarify.
"I would never try to fix you, Emily. You're not broken," she whispers, and I smile at her through tears.
"Thank you. For listening and understanding," I whisper gratefully.
"Of course. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing," she replies, and I suddenly remember the gift I have for her.
"Okay, can we drop this topic now?" I ask, shaking off the intense emotions, and she chuckles lightly.
"Sure," she agrees, her gaze following as I retrieve a small box from my bag.
"Are we good?" I ask, seeking confirmation.
"Yeah, we are," she assures me, smiling, before turning her attention to the little box in my hands.
"Great. Then this is for you," I say, handing her the box. She looks at me with confusion before opening it. Her expression shifts from confusion to awe and then admiration.
"Emily, it's beautiful. But why did you get me this?" she asks, her confusion returning.
"I know that whatever is happening between us hasn't been going on for long," I gesture between us. "But, I guess, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you," I confess, feeling a sudden rush of nerves. Before I can overthink it, she pulls me into a hug.
"I love it, Emily. Thank you," she whispers as she releases the hug. "Can you help me put it on?" She asks and I grab the bracelet, before carefully fastening it around her wrist. I linger for a moment, feeling the warmth of her skin beneath my fingertips.
"Would you like to help me with the library again after school?" she asks, and I meet her gaze, noticing a glint of something in her eyes that catches my attention.
"I'd love to," I respond, attempting to appear composed despite the nerves bubbling up inside me once again.
"Great, I'll see you later then," she says, standing up and gathering her things.
During lunch, I join Jennifer outside, where she's brainstorming ideas for her upcoming birthday party. As she scrolls through Pinterest, contemplating a "Mamma Mia" theme, I find myself apologizing to Rose via text for leaving her hanging last weekend, though I haven't received a response yet.
"Maybe she's just busy with studying or something," Jennifer suggests, busy in her party planning.
"Your right. I just hope she forgives me," I murmur, peering over Jennifer's shoulder at the vibrant party ideas on her phone screen. After assuring her that I have everything needed for a "Mamma Mia" party. She has a large social group so I can only imagine how big of a party it'll be.
• • •
As the last bell rings, I head towards the library. Upon arrival, I softly tap on the door before stepping inside.
Ms. Anderson is busy sorting books, unaware of my presence. I approach her quietly and wrap my arms around her waist, planting a gentle kiss on her cheek. She leans back into my embrace, squeezing my hands.
"Hi," she greets me with a sweet voice.
"Hi," I whisper into her ear, before she turns around and intertwines her fingers behind my neck. I want to deepen the kiss but she pulls away.
"Don't be so greedy," she teases, releasing me. A smile plays at the corner of her lips as she returns to sorting through books.
I do the same and as I'm going through an old fantasy book I receive a message on my phone. It's from Rose.
Rose
It's okay, really! But if you feel that bad, maybe take me out?;)
I chuckle slightly, thinking about what to answer.
Emily
Maybe I will;)
As I put my phone away I feel someone staring at me. I lock eyes with Hannah and it looks likes she's contemplating about what to say.
"What?" I ask, arching an eyebrow at her.
"Who where you texting?" she asks, her tone tinged with a hint of embarrassment at her directness.
"Just Rose, the girl from the fair," I reply casually, detecting a subtle twitch in her expression.
"Why's she texting you? And what was so funny?" she probes, folding her arms defensively.
"You really are the jealous type," I chuckle, unfazed by her interrogation. I've always found the jealous and protective type attractive.
"I'm not jealous," she scoffs, but her demeanor betrays her words.
"Clearly," I tease, grinning.
"I'm not," she insists, walking in my direction, backing me against the bookcase.
"I think you are, just a little," I keep pushing it.
"I don't have to be jealous. I know she doesn't stand a chance against me," she says and presses her body against mine.
"Are you sure?" I question, trying to push her buttons even more.
"I'm very sure. I know she won't be able to make you feel like this," she asserts, her hands roaming up my legs to the button of my pants. A shiver runs down my spine, and she smirks knowingly.
The bell rings and she drops her hands before taking a step back. I exhale slowly as she gathers her belongings.
"You're lucky the bell rang. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow," she states, causing my knees to feel weak.
"Also, tell Rose to back off," she adds, heading towards the door. "You're mine," she declares, and with that she walks out, leaving me breathless.
A/N
Hope you enjoyed it! Lmk if there's anything you'd like to see:)
~N💋