Tally
It’s killing me. My feelings are all wrong and I’m disgusted with myself. I’m supposed to hate him. Loath him.
I can’t.
I sit on my bed, going over the events that transpired throughout the night. The things I did and let him do. It feels right and wrong all at once. Those things were very intimate and should be with someone you love and trust, but I feel neither of those things.
He’s not good for me, and will only hurt me.
But I can’t stop wanting him.
Worse, I don’t even think he’s evil. There! I admit it.
Sure he’s a self-centered, egotistical, manipulative, opportunistic; verging on the edge of sadistic person but he’s also: Driven, caring, attentive, passionate, receptive and… He loves me.
But does that mean I’m just as bad as him? Or are we both misunderstood? What is the definition of good and how is the person who defined it qualified to decide? Why should I or anyone abide by that said definition?
What lies on the line of good and bad? And which side am I on? Both? Can that be possible?
So many questions! I drop my head against the wall, trying to clear the cobwebs.
Right now he’s out there trying to be a part of the team; for me. Risking his life; for me. Trying to be someone he’s not.
For me.
I appreciate his commitment, but I’m not fooled by it. I know that’s not him and maybe I’m wrong to admit, but it makes no difference to me. Trust is the only thing that matters and he’s broken it. So what’s the point? Why with last night? Am I living in the moment or do I actually have hope?
A knock on the door has me rolling my eyes.
“Who and what?” Wow, that sounded bitchy even in my own ears.
Amanda pops her head in first, then fully enters, shutting the door behind her. She’s carrying donuts and coffee. My mouth waters when I realize how hungry I am.
I wonder what it’s like to be her. To not eat but survive from only… I clear my throat, not allowing my brain to go there because all I can picture is Cole and me.
“I thought you might be hungry and since you're back to your prior self. I didn’t want you to starve.”
She’s aggravated by me! Unbelievable.
“I know there’s a lot going on, but you’re my best friend, Tally. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
My cheeks redden at the idea of her knowing what we did, but there’s no way she would. So what is she talking about? I switch the subject.
“I thought Katie was your best friend?”
She tilts her head, looking up at me with a sour expression.
“Don’t think you're going to avoid the subject with a joke. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about… he’s very attractive and has that whole bad guy thing going for him. I get it.”
Oh.
My.
Gods.
She knows. Kill me now!
“Does everyone know?” I shout.
She narrows her eyes and tips her head to the side as if studying me.
“Know what? Exactly.”
Shit! I shake my head and roll my eyes, getting up to look out the window.
“I don’t know, really.”
I hear her shuffle behind me.
“Did you guys?” She asks, trailing off. I turn around and give her a look that says beyond a doubt that:
It is absolutely none of her business!
I’m not like her and I do not share my private moments with anyone.
“We don’t always get to pick who we love. Sometimes our hearts know more than what our heads ever could, and that alone could possibly make us happy. Even if we think it’s unconventional.”
Wow, it’s simple, but not bad. Still, it doesn’t fit my situation since my heart seems to be quiet. It’s my body and my mind at war. I turn to her.
“Am I a good person Amanda?”
She makes a noise somewhere between shock and disappointment.
“Of course you are! Why would you think any different?”
I shrug my shoulders, looking back out the window.
“Is this about Lucifer? Do you think you’re less of a person because you have feelings for him?”
Is that how I feel? She’s awfully perceptive. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to. She’s already sure of her judgment.
“Loving someone when Everyone else thinks they don’t deserve it doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything, it makes you exceptionally good because you can see the good in them where others can’t.”
I scoff. She’s laying it on awfully thick.
“Thanks Amanda.” I tell her, truly meaning it.
“No problem. Tally?”
I look back at her and see the love she has for me clear as day.
“Whatever you do or choose in life, know that I’ll never judge you and always support you. I love you unconditionally.”
I turn away as tears pool in my eyes once again.
“Thank you.” I whisper in a broken voice, to strain to continue. This place is cursed. Even in hell, I wasn’t this conflicted…
The rest of the day is routine. I go through the motions void of feeling. Physically present but emotionally, I’m far away. I can feel Cole’s eyes on me whenever he’s near. It’s one of the times I’m aware. Like he’s an anchor, or maybe he gives me something I actually want to feel.
Even now his eyes heat my skin like a tender caress.
“You haven’t touched your food.” He says. Concern evident on his face.
“I ate half a dozen donuts for lunch.” I tell him, not bothering to read his expression.
“How did patrolling go?” I ask Austin, trying to take the attention away from me. I know everyone is looking at us.
“Good. We took down a group of demons driving them out of the city.” He says.
Great, a few out of thousands. Small feats, but it’s something. It works as my question starts detailed conversation around the table, far from the subject of me. In no time, I’m able to leave unnoticed by everyone, but him.
The moment I leave the room, Cole follows behind me. No doubt drawing attention.
“We don’t have to be attached at the hip.” I growl in frustration.
He smiles at me, only succeeding in angering me further.
“We don’t have too not be either.”
He’s not funny and I make that as clear as I can. Walking away. Cole grasps my arm, spinning me to face him.
“Are you worried about what they think?” he accuses. I don’t dignify it with a response, even though it’s part of my anger. That’s not it.
“It is, isn’t it?” he says, releasing my arm with a little shove. Cole runs his fingers through his hair. With a frustrated growl, he snaps, punching the brick wall hard enough to crush stone and possibly bones.
“I can’t believe you’re that shallow. Would you really pick your partner based on others’ opinions? Can’t you decide anything yourself?”
I smack him. It’s instantaneous. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.
Grayson appears around the corner. Our yelling match is now the center of attention. I’d rather be anywhere but here right now.
“What’s going on? Are you okay, Tally?”
Cole rushes Grayson, poking a finger in his chest. I’m expecting a brawl, but Grayson keeps his wolf in check, disappointing Cole and surprising me.
“Her name is Tallisa.” Cole grates before walking out the front door. I lean back against the wall with a thud to my head and let out a long breath.
“You know we’d accept anyone of your choosing, right? We’ve all had our crosses to bare when it comes to spouses.”
No, not him too? I push off the wall, leaving in a hurry, not at all in the mood to do any more sharing. I get it. They don’t care who I choose, but I do. I’m not about to declare my undying love over attraction, or because we just happen to understand one another. I may not know what love is, but I happen to know trust is a part of it. Not to mention respect and comradery is a must in friendship so I’m pretty sure it is essential to love. Whatever they think they know, they’re wrong.
Lucifer
I didn’t see this one coming. If someone had told me I’d be mooning over a red-headed brat with a jaded attitude and mouth-watering body in a couple of thousand years-Scratch that. I probably would have believed it. I was still hopeful back then. Sitting in the back alley of a ruined city trying to help a team of misfits keep it intact. Now that’s a different story. I would have laughed.
I’m not in my right mind, haven’t been since... Her. She brings out my deepest feelings and my darkest desires. Tallisa thinks I’m no good. I’ve got news for her no one is good all the time. Some are just better at hiding it. I may stay in the darkness a little longer than necessary, but my intentions are good, the majority of the time. She knows all my secrets and lies but hers; they’re buried deep inside. She’s a mystery.
I watch the ruin of the city from afar sitting on the roof in the darkness. It’s going to take a divine power to stop this, that I have no doubt. After what must be hours, I return to watch her sleep.
“Go away, creeper!”
Slowly leaning forward, I place my hands on my knees, studying her in the darkness. She’s already aroused. Tallisa may not want my love, but she craves my touch. Her breath quickens when I get up from the chair. She sits up, and the fuzzy pink robe she’s wrapped in drops open. I glimpse the swell of her breast. Clenching my fists, I resist the temptation and stand above her. She won’t ask me, but won’t fight me either. We are at another one of those impasses.
“If you don’t have anything to say, then leave.”
I inwardly laugh. It’s not my words she’s waiting for, but okay. I’ll take the opportunity. Leaning over her, I smell the light melon scent of her shampoo. Feel her quick breaths against my chest. She leans back, ever so slightly opening to me. I bet she doesn’t even notice the invitation in it, her body’s involuntary response to mine. I kiss her head and leave, denying her what she secretly wants...
The next morning I’m in the kitchen when the results of her wrestless sleep are revealed. She’s clumsy and snaps at Elliot when he offers to help her reach a cup that’s pushed too far back. I smile into my cup. Looks like she needs me after all.
“Have a good sleep?” I taunt. She glares back at me, lingering on my lips as I purse them to blow across the top of my tea. She enthusiastically swings her head back around.
“No, actually. But you would know, wouldn’t you?”
She leaves before I can respond. We play a game of cat and mouse all day. Taking turns with the roles. Neither one of us voices what we’re doing or our intentions. I don’t because I want her to break. I need her to acknowledge there’s something between us. It’s fear holding her back. The words on the tip of her tongue and they’ll stay there. She’d do anything to avoid being open or vulnerable.
Tallisa’s worried about Jacob. No one avoids a subject quite like her, and now I know why; fear. She’s scared to admit her feelings for me, too. Thinks I’ll hurt her somewhere down the line. Little does she know I take the word ‘love’ very seriously. It’s a bigger commitment to me than any ring in the human world she’s accustomed to.
I’ve never met someone who is so full of fear. She bases all her decisions around it and is living a life that’s not worth living at all. I’m going to change that. I may not know how yet, but if I’m one thing above all else, it’s determined.
Surprise, surprise. She’s in the library with her nose buried in a book. I try the less subtle approach.
“It’s okay to live your own life. Avoidance only creates disorder, and I know how much you like your boxes.”
She drops her book with a heavy sigh, followed by a dramatic eye roll.
“What are you talking about now?”
I pick up her book, looking on the inside for what she’s really reading, and pull out another one of her romance books. She narrows her eyes at me but doesn’t leave. Its progress.
“I know you, Tallisa. Probably better than you know yourself.”
She gets up to leave while saying: “I highly doubt that.”
I throw my arm out, stopping her. I promised no more until she gives in, but I can’t help myself.
“You mean you don’t like this?” I drag the tip of my finger between her breasts over the slight curve of her stomach. Her eyes follow the path, and her breath deepens. I cup her between her legs, pressing my palm against her with precision pressure. She leans back against the shelf of books, her lids closing.
“Admit it. Admit you have feelings for me, and I’ll make it worth it.”
She pushes away, leaving in a rush like I doused her with cold water. I curb my anger, barely. I’m running out of time. The moment Jacob gets back, it will be too easy for her to push away her new feelings and revert back to her old ways. At this rate, she’ll never grow up...
This is it my last attempt. I wait until late evening after she’s eaten and read again. Most everyone has gone off with their partners since I’ve done the patrol with Austin and Elliot. She’s relaxed, more open in the evening, almost as if her guard slips with her energy.
I realize if I want her to confide in me; I have to set the example. Slipping into her room, I grab the stool and sit next to her. Tallisa has a blank expression, like she was expecting me. I get right to the point before I change my mind.
“Growing up, the way I did was hard. There wasn’t a lot of love. And respect was earned by way of competition. War was what I thought about when I woke up and my last focus before I slept. I didn’t have a family. I had peers.”
She turns toward me, crossing her legs, and looks at me with interest. Could this really work? I continue.
“Women were the last thing on my mind. Power was all I was after because power gave you everything, including women. I was much older than you before I even discovered sex.”
Tallisa raises a brow, placing her chin in her palm.
“When I did...” I chuckle, remembering the newfound addiction.
“You were all a mystery I never cared to solve. I’ve tried many women.”
Shit, that doesn’t please her. I skip those parts.
“My point is, not one of them touched my heart or was anything more than a fleeting thought. Until you.”
She’s quiet, looking slightly guilty. I’m so close to getting somewhere. I can feel it.
“I don’t say those words in vain, Tallisa. A body can be purchased, owed. A mind must be wanted. A heart won. That takes a certain effort past interest.”
I stop talking as she inhales. This is it. The tipping point. I hold my breath. The heavy beat of my heart is in my ears. She leans forward.
“Cole... I -”
The door bursts open.
“Jacob!” she says in exaggerated shock.
Of all the fucking times!
What cosmic karma is this shit? I’ve always been unlucky with women, but this is downright cruel. What happened to her anger? The feelings of betrayal. Sure, Jacob gets a free pass, but I don’t even get a shot?
I imagine ending him. A clean swipe at his neck. It makes me feel slightly better. The way she’s looking up at him, like she adores him as he’s flanked by Apollo, Artemis and Athena. Standing with them as if he’s a God by association. They’re all looking at him like that. With stars in their eyes, as he explains the events in vivid details.
It’s too much for me. If I stay any longer, I might do something I regret.
I watch the other gods at work as I tap my foot against the chimney. The view from the roof is vast, my favorite spot. Could it be that easy? A war won without a fight. Where is Cael? I’ve got a feeling shits about to hit the fan. Bring it on, I say. With the mood I’m in, I need a good fight.