Rachelle Dubois is too sweet to be with me, that's something that I have known from the very start of whatever we have going on - she's been gentle, she's been kind, she's pushed for me to set boundaries where no one else has ever told me that a boundary should be before, which I never expected out of anyone, let alone her. When I'd asked if she wanted to go on a date with me the first time, I expected her to say no, I expected her to tell me to fuck off and find someone else to bother and ruin because that's what I'm used to. I'm not used to people deciding that they can take a chance on me, but that's exactly what Rachelle did. She swooped in with her white-bright smile and her deep brown eyes and her ornamented braids and skin that seemed to practically glow in the sun, golden and brown and warm... Everything about her is warm.
Everything about me has always been cold, and that's something I know about myself that I have more or less come to terms with over the years, it's something that I've learned as a way to keep myself safe. I'm calculated, if I'm not I can get caught up in the tripwire of my own life and end up hurt, dead, or devastated, none of which are things that I want. I'm cold because if I'm not, I've learned that people will take advantage of me wherever they can. My pageant coach Brian showed me that from a young age, always giving me 'special' treatment that I couldn't refuse for fear of being ostracized from the one thing that I'd ever been any good at. I'm bitter, practically burnt in the way that I respond to people, and I practically drip coldness, cold as ice, cold as snow... But she makes me want to be warm.
She makes me want to be better, she makes me want more out of myself than anyone has ever expected... a life full of kindness, a life full of understanding... She makes me want to figure out why I am the way that I am instead of just excusing it and saying that it's in my nature... She makes me want to be warm like her... I think that's why I like her.
I think that's why I've been spending any time that I can in her apartment with her, lying in her bed even when she isn't there, petting her calico cat 'Specter' and curling up in her warm blankets until she's home from late classes or work... I don't miss school to be with her, I think she'd probably kill me if I did, but I get the urge to spend every waking moment around her, and it's not in the same obsessive way that I wanted to spend time around Juliette. This feels... So much different.
Even now, as I'm feeling Rachelle's hand trace up and down my spine as she laughs at something on her computer screen, I know that I want to be different for her... I don't want to scare her off, even though she decided to stay despite knowing the things that I did earlier in the year... I don't want the good things to end.
"Mon soleil et mes étoiles... You're being really quiet is everything alright?" She murmured, pressing a soft kiss to my temple, an action that always managed to make me feel like I was blushing down to my toes.
It was ridiculous considering what I normally did with people, the way that I normally have a 'use them and lose them' mentality, that I would be blushing at a kiss to the temple, but it's different with Rachelle.
She's awakened the romantic in me, something that was dormant for long enough that I firmly believed it to be dead.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I insisted, but I could tell from the way that her hand paused it's calming movement that she didn't believe me - Rachelle rarely did when I lied, that was something that I noticed the first time that we really spent any sort of time together. I'd tried my normal tricks, I'd tried to treat her like I would anyone else that I was going to hook up with, but she'd cut right through my normal persona down to the real me, the me that I'd worked so hard to kill off...
She'd cut down to her and decided that that was the me that wanted to fall for, which I didn't expect... I never really thought that anyone would want to fall for that kid, she was so weak... But Rachelle hadn't seen my vulnerability as a weakness... She claimed to me that it was a strength.
"Are you sure?" I nodded... There wasn't really anything new that was wrong, my brain was just deciding to take a moment to think about all the ways that I didn't deserve her, that wasn't something that was new. I never felt like I really deserved her, because I don't. I don't. Someone like me should be rotting, not falling in love. "You can talk to me, you know... That's... Kinda what I'm here for." She murmured, her voice smooth and soft in a way that sent prickles down my arm as I cleared my throat, shaking my head as I slid one leg over hers, curling more into her side as I slid my arm out across her stomach.
"I don't want to burden you with my problems." I mumbled, hearing her let out a snort as she cupped my cheek and lifted my head so that I was looking her in the eyes... That was enough to quiet down the thoughts I was having anyway, because how could anyone be in a bad place while looking at Rachelle Dubois? She was beautiful beyond words, perfect beyond comparison... She is the blueprint of the perfect woman.
And somehow, I'm lucky enough that she likes me... Something I'm sure will pass at some point, but I should enjoy it now, shouldn't I?
"It's not 'burdening' if I want to hear about it." That made me pause... I never really thought about that, because I sort of just assumed that all of my feelings were burdens, that was why I chose not to feel them most of the time, they always led to me doing stupid fucking shit, and I didn't want to deal with that anymore... But Rachelle made me want to defrost them. "Please?" Her tone was sweet, and her voice was soft, and she smelt so good...
I can't say no to her, I can never say no to her... That's part of the problem, her sweetness pulls something genuine out of me, and I don't know what to do when I feel like I've gotta be genuine, most people want nothing to do with my authentic self.
"You're too sweet to be with me." I said, seeing her brows furrow as she frowned, her eyes still looking intensely into mine, only now they were filled with confusion instead of a soft sort of almost-love. It was making my stomach turn, I wanted to do everything in my power to bring back the look she had before, I liked it better.
The last thing I want is to upset her... But that's what I'll end up doing, I already know that. Fucking things up is one of my biggest talents, and it's natural born. Been doing it since birth.
"What the hell are you talking about, Walton?" She asked, and I swallowed heavily... There was no malice in her voice, just a soft sort of confusion... But I wanted to tread lightly even as I told her what was wrong. I sat up, clearing my throat as I shifted in front of the mirror, seeing her sit up on her elbows behind me.
"I mean... Look at us together." I looked over at her, gesturing for her to join me, which she quickly did, her arm sliding over my body in a way that made me dizzy as I looked myself in the eyes. You'll always be a wolf, Ingrid. Sheeps clothing will never fit you, but you'lll always be a wolf. My dad had told me that once, and I could see it in my severe features, in the way that my eyes sat... I wasn't built to be loving and gentle, Rachelle was. "No really, look... Does that seem right to you?" I asked, seeing her look at us with a grin that was hardly bitten back as she nodded, resting her chin on my shoulder.
She didn't even bother to pretend like she was hesitating... She just went for it.
"Yeah." She slung her arm over my shoulder, smiling as she pressed a series of gentle kisses to my cheek, making my breath catch as I watched my face get a bit red in the mirror as I laced our fingers together... She smiles when she kisses me, and that's something that I'm pretty sure will be cited in my undoing. "I think we look good together." She murmured, making eye contact with me in the mirror, and I sighed and shook my head.
Sure, we physically looked amazing together, but emotionally? Did this look right? Did the nicest person alive and a fucking monster really look good together? Most people compared me to some sort of succubus, that wasn't really the kind of creature that belonged with someone who was akin to an angel, right?
"No, I mean... Think about it, right?" I said, seeing her roll her eyes as she sighed, bringing her hand up to cup the side of my head as she turned her head again, pressing soft kisses to the side of my head as I tried to keep my thoughts about me, tried to remember what I was going to say... I almost pushed her away, but part of me couldn't bear the idea of not having her soft touch right now... I was playing a dangerous game with myself. "There's a reason why people are so skeptical when I say I'm dating you... They're scared for you." I heard Rachelle chuckle against my skin as she smiled with amusement, pulling away from me just a bit.
"Well, they shouldn't be." She said that so simply, but she wasn't right.
She should be scared of me, there's a reason why everyone is... I'm not healthy, I'm not good, nothing about me should be treated gently... I need to be caged.
"Yes, they should." The confusion was back. "I'm... There's something wrong with my brain, and I have to actively work to not get obsessed with you, because that's when things always go wrong, and I don't want to hurt you... I've hurt so many people, you don't deserve that." Rachelle frowned, shaking her head.
There's... No disagreeing with that, huh?
"I disagree." That was a stupid thing to do, which shocked me because Rachelle was far from stupid. I'd seen some of her papers, some of her homework from college, she's one of the smartest people I've ever met... But she's being an idiot right now. She's walking into a lion's den while wearing a meat vest. "If I like you, I think that the rest of it is up to me, right? And I can handle myself, obsession is something that I can see happen, I understand how that kind of stuff works, and if it gets to be unhealthy, I know when to leave, alright?" She brushed some hair out of my face, cupping my cheek so that she could press a slow, sweet kiss to my lips, one that made me feel like I could faint. "I want this. I want to be with you." Her tone was sure, but I still wasn't.
Why would she want that with me? Why want the person that everyone else has decided is nothing but a burden?
"Really?" I asked, my voice cracking over the word, unable to control the fact that that had cut through some layer in me that I hadn't realized was still there. Rachelle grinned at me, cupping my face with her warm hands as she traced her thumbs over my cheekbones, making me feel like I could tremble out of my skin as I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch.
You're so good... You're so good and it scares me so much.
"Really." She kissed my forehead softly, and I felt like I could break apart into pieces right then and there. That was what her touch did to me. "I want to make this work, Ingrid... And if what's bothering you is the idea that I'm too good for you, I'm gonna need you to knock that shit off, because I think we're good for each other." ... That wasn't right.
I'm not good for anyone... The only good thing I can do for anyone is disappear, not that I can do that either. Tried that, and all it did was result in a coded lock on my windows and balcony door.
"I just... Genuinely can't imagine a world where I'm good for anyone." The realness of that statement made me feel sick... I'd been told it enough that I believed it, that was what it was. My mother used to tell me, before she left, that my father was just in a mood, that he couldn't hate me, that I shouldn't take what he said to heart... But once she was gone, I really didn't have a choice. All I had were his heavy, wandering hands and his words that were sharp enough to practically leave a slice down my heart. "I'm too coldhearted." I murmured, hearing her let out a defiant sort of sound as she pressed a kiss to my shoulder, bringing her arm around my waist to pull me closer.
She smelt like home, a startling thought to have cross my mind...
The only home I'd ever had before was in Juliette... But she smelled like a different home. Juliette smelt like a childhood home to me, like the bedroom that you'd find comfort in years later if you were allowed to, even if it wasn't yours anymore, even if it never really was to begin with...
Rachelle smelt like a home. One that was built to last... One that was made to be in for the rest of my life.
"I disagree." No.
"Why?" I asked, unable to imagine a more ridiculous thing to disagree with. Rachelle shrugged, tracing her fingers over my skin.
"Because I've seen the soft and warm sides of you..." Rachelle shifted on the bed, splaying her legs out on either side of me as I leaned my head back against her shoulder, letting my back slump against her stomach and chest as she traced down my arms. "You're different when you're not around people that you feel like you've gotta impress." I cleared my throat, drumming my hands on her thighs as I tried to think of what to say next, of what could possibly come out of my mouth that would illustrate how I felt right now.
I'd never been good at romance, at explaining how it felt when I liked someone, any of that... This was normally where I messed everything up.
Keep it simple.
"I wanna impress you." I pointed out, seeing her roll her eyes with a good-natured grin, her fingers lacing with mine.
"Yeah, but you don't need to do that by being larger than life... You can just do that by being Ingrid Walton." I frowned at that, grimacing... Because really, I'm not even sure that I know who Ingrid Walton is.
I've always been a caricature of myself from the moment that I stepped foot in Hollingsworth, always hiding something - at first it was the abuse so that I didn't get in trouble, and then once people close to me learned about that, it became my emotions.
I've never fully been me... But that's who Rachelle likes... Crazy.
"... Yeah, I guess." Her body left mine then, and instantly missed her warmth.
Why had she let go?
"Hey." I turned to see her kneeling on the bed, and I twisted so that I was looking at her.
"What?" I asked, turning around so that I was looking at her as her smile simply glowed. She had both her hands held out to me expectantly, and I didn't know what she wanted them for, all I knew was that I was going to give her my hands.
I had to. There was no other option.
"Give me your hand right now." She said, holding hers out to mine. I nodded, slipping my cold hands into her warm ones, feeling the relief on my joints... The coldness always made them ache, and sometimes the tips would go white... The doctors said I had something last time I went in, but I can never remember the name.
Some autoimmune shit, something I want to ignore.
"Okay..." She smiled softly, pressing kisses to the back of each one.
Was that it? Just a kiss?
"Your hands are freezing, Ingrid." I frowned, going to pull them away from her, but she held fast.
Who wants to hold hands with someone who has cold ones?
"Sorry-." She shook her head, silencing me.
"Do you know what they say about cold hands?" She asked, sounding almost gleeful as I raised an eyebrow... Well, I knew what my doctor said about my cold hands, and that was that I had low iron and poor circulation.
"Uh... That they fucking suck? And that I have really bad circulation?" I said, wanting to make light of whatever she was going to say before she even said it.
She snorted at my joke, shaking her head.
"No... Well, yeah, you do. But they also say that cold hands hide a warm heart." Oh... I'd forgotten about that saying. Shelby had said it to me once in the middle of the night when I'd placed my hand on her cheek, but it was a long forgotten memory... A long forgotten saying. "And I think that's right about you." Oh.
"I... Well... Ha..." I breathed, trying not to seem too... Something.
Too anything... I wanted her to think I was cool.
"It's cute when you do that." I wasn't doing anything right now aside from panicking.
It's cute when I'm panicking?
"What?" I asked, my voice going up an octave as I tried to present like I wasn't feeling unglued in a way.
She reached forward, tucking some hair out of my face in a way that made me lose my breath... I always felt breathless when she got close to my lips, I always wanted to kiss her... But I never really initiated that.
I'm terrified of taking it too far... I never know when to stop.
"Get nervous because I'm nice to you." She murmured, pulling a sigh from my lips as I shook my head and shrugged... How else was I meant to respond to Rachelle? I'm not sure that there is another way.
"Well, you try having a pretty girl be nice to you, it's hard to react to." I said, feeling slightly defensive even though I knew it wasn't an insult... Rachelle really wasn't someone who wanted to insult or hurt me, it's just in my nature to be on guard. I can't remember the last time I wasn't.
But Rachelle didn't take it personally, she just grinned at me and stroked a hand down my face, letting out a sigh that sounded almost lovesick... I'll never understand how I could possibly make someone lovesick.
"A pretty girl is nice to me every day..." That made me blush more than I'd like to admit... She thinks I'm nice? God, this girl needs to be committed. "You're just very reactive to it." She said, making me grimace.
That was an embarrassing observation, it made me want to run as far away from Rachelle as I could to preserve my reputation... But that was already long gone. Along with my dignity.
"... Niceness isn't something I'm used to anymore." I admitted, fiddling with the old, dingy bracelet that I still wore on my wrist, even though Juliette and Shelby had long since taken off theirs... It was one of the few things that I had left of them that was a connection to the first time that I had really experienced true kindness. "I had it at one point, I had love and kindness from people... Not really anymore." I really did do my best to keep the emotion out of my voice, but Rachelle cupped my face nonetheless, holding me like I was something to be supported and admired and not like I was the monster that I'd let myself become over the past few years.
All of that just sort of... Melted away around her. Her light absorbed it.
"Khloe's nice to you." She pointed out, making me roll my eyes. Khloe Kelli is nice to everyone, she doesn't have a mean bone in her body, that's part of what makes her so great... But her enjoyment of me means very little when put in those terms.
"She's nice to everyone." Bitterness ripped through my throat as I spoke. "Like a puppy." That came out meaner than I meant for it to, an issue I have quite often when it comes to Khloe - I can never understand why she wants to be kind to me, so I approach her like I'm ready to attack at all times.
She takes it in stride... But she shouldn't have to. She's too kind for me.
"But she still loves you for you." Rachelle pointed out, making me let out a broken sort of chuckle as I traced my fingers over hers, shaking my head.
"Can't imagine why anyone would do that."
"I like you for you." The air felt heavy after that, and I knew that the words that I wanted to say in response to that didn't really exist... I couldn't tell her no, because I'm not in control of that, but that was the only thing that really came to mind.
How could she like me for me? What is there to like?
"That's..." I didn't really have a response for that, all I could do was fight the urge to laugh as I shook my head. That seemed like a very interesting form of self-harm to have, I had to give her that. "An insane thing to do." I said, seeing her smile in a way that made my heart catch in my chest as she leaned closer to me, the skin of her arm pressing against the skin of mine, making me feel like my entire body was overheating.
"Is it?" She asked, her eyebrow raising as she brought a hand to rest on the side of my neck, her thumb tracing across my jaw in a way that made me tremble, practically made me feel like I could die happy.
"Mhm." She pulled me in then, kissing me gentle, smiling into it... Rachelle always smiled when she was kissing me.
I don't feel that I deserve to taste her happiness... But she thinks that I do.
"Mmm..." When she pulled back, it took me a moment to remember that I could open my eyes, that this was real, and she'd still be there even if I did... And she was, she was looking at me with the softest, sweetest expression as she grinned at me, biting her lip as she tucked some hair out of my face, scooting closer. "You've got soft lips, Walton." She murmured, slipping an arm around my shoulders to pull me closer, kissing me reverently, hands never wandering, tongue never darting out to wet my lips...
No. She wasn't seeking... She was just enjoying me.
"You too." Her grin widened as she laid down on the bed, patting her hips.
Huh?
"C'mere." She said, yanking on my wrist as I cleared my throat, feeling my face get hot... I'd done things a thousand times more sexual and sensual than this without any sort of problem, I'm the farthest thing from a prude... But for some reason, straddling Rachelle's waist makes my stomach flip around and my heart race...
I'm nervous being in someone's bed... Nervous with excitement for the first time in a long time, not fearful... Not neutral.
Excited.
"Really?"
"I wanna kiss you more, Walton..." My heart practically stopped in my chest as I tried to think of a response to that that wasn't just 'oh'. "It's nice being with you." She said it so sincerely.
I swallowed heavily and nodded, resting my hands on her waist as she gripped my hips, helping guide me so that I was straddling across her waist, trembling as I looked down at her... Her braids were splayed out across the pillow, and her smile was wide and showing her teeth, slightly pointed, and her necklace had fallen off the side of her neck, the golden locket that Miles had gotten her as a graduation gift the year prior, a story she'd told me about on the first date.
In short, she looked like an angel.
"Okay..." I leaned down, willing my heart to slow as I kissed her, sighing softly against her lips as I felt her fingers tracing over my clothing, making me shiver.
Her touch... God...
"God, you're cute..." She murmured, her voice smooth and a little raspy as she stroked her fingers through my hair before tracing down my back, slipping only just under the hem of my shirt to rest on my skin. I fought the muscle memory to take my shirt off for her, because something in me was sure that wasn't what she was after. She just... Wanted to be touching me in the most innocent way possible.
Holding me, that is. I kissed her again, and again after that, never wanting to stop... I could kiss Rachelle Dubois every second of every day and never need more than that... I felt satiated just from her kiss.
Sure, if she wanted to go further, I'm more than game... But I don't think that's what she wants... And it's comforting, even though it scares me.
Even though she scares me.
"Rachelle." I breathed, feeling myself smiling without even meaning to, my heart hammering in my chest at the softness of her hands on the skin of waist and the warmth of her lips on mine. I brought a hand down to hers, lacing one of ours together, furrowing my brows as I fought the urge to both laugh and burst into tears.
There are too many feelings when it comes to Rachelle, and we never get past this point, and my brain always screams at me that she doesn't want me like that, but that's crazy because everyone wants me like that.
That's what most people want from me, that and nothing else... But she's different. She's more than that... I'm more than that to her... But sometimes I find it hard to fight what I've done for so many years.
This is one of those times.
"Tu es la perfection... Il y a de la perfection dans votre âme... Beau jusqu'à la moelle." She mumbled, making me frown as I closed my eyes, fighting off the lump in my throat as she kissed softly at my neck, not making any move to leave a mark, no roughness to her movements at all.
I'm not built to handle kindness, and I think that softness will be the thing that fucking kills me... Why give me both at once?
"No, that's-." She cut me off, her hands on my cheeks as she looked into my eyes, an expression of soft love filling them as she smiled gently at me, leaning up to kiss my lips with such tenderness that I felt like I was falling into a pit of fire.
"You make me feel things that I didn't know I could feel, Ingrid... My heart is so full when I'm with you." Shit.
There were no words to respond to that... No one said that unless it was a line, right?
"I... Uh..." I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath as I tied my hair out of my face, going to slide down her body... I knew what to do in this situation, I'd done it a thousand times before. That line meant something - people only said it when they wanted something from me, that was the deal. "Trust me, I can make you feel things you've never felt before, and that's a promise." I murmured, kissing down her stomach before I felt her tense up, her fingers digging into my shoulders softly, making me pause as I looked up at her, seeing nervousness in her expression as she shook her head.
"Wait." Her command was gentle, but I listened the second she said it, hovering over her instead, my hands resting where they had been before I'd started my descent.
"What's up?" I asked, tracing my fingers over her skin as she cleared her throat, shaking her head at me.
"We should stop." She said, her chest rising and falling quickly through her shirt as I sat back, clearing my throat as I rubbed my hands up and down my thighs, willing myself not to freak out.
Romance was out of my comfort zone, but I knew sex... And sex was the thing that she kept stopping... Why did she keep stopping it?
"Why?" Rachelle chuckled, wrapping her arms around my waist to pull me back down so that we were flush against each other, a move that was soothing... Normally I don't love feeling like I'm being kept somewhere, arms around waists holding me to someone aren't my thing unless it's in a more sexual context normally...
But this was relaxing - Rachelle would let me go if I didn't feel safe anymore, that's not even a question.
"Because we're waiting, remember?" Sure, but why?
"Waiting for..." Rachelle's deep brown eyes bore into mine, the specks of gold by her pupil visible from how close we were, along with the faded freckles across her nose... Perfection.
She's a deity, she's gotta be.
"For you to be able to approach intimacy without anger, fear, or frustration." I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.
She said that as if it was the easiest thing in the entire world, but I'm not sure a world exists where I'll ever have those things.
"Well, then we're never gonna have sex, Rachelle." I joked, half expecting her to end it right there with me still sitting across her hips, but no.
No, she sat up and wrapped her arms around my waist, grinning at me as she did... She was grinning at me like she'd won some unknown lottery and I was the prize... I can't remember the last time someone looked at me like I was a prize.
"And that's okay with me." Her words shocked me into silence as my eyes widened, my words failing in my throat before I furrowed my brows, shaking my head... Since when was that okay for anyone who wanted to be with me?
Most people had my shirt off or their hands down my pants before they even knew my last name.
"... It is?" My question didn't seem to shock her, but I could feel a wave of sadness wash over her, and I could see why. Most people, they didn't approach this shit like me, but most people didn't have to shower with the lights off for months after their first time because they couldn't stand the sight of themself.
Most people didn't have the same shit happen to them... Only one person really got it. Esme had understood it in a way that had made me feel physically ill, they're the only one who ever has, who ever could... Rachelle just has enough empathy to get me... I can handle that.
"Mhm." Weird.
"That's never been okay with anyone before..." That was a bit of an exaggeration... But... Still. "Why is it okay with you?" Rachelle chuckled and rolled her eyes, sighing as she sat up to kiss me deeply again, making my heart feel like it was going to pound out of my chest as I blinked, struggling to remember my own name as she laid back down, her hands on my hips again.
Ingrid. Walton. My name. Yes.
"Because I like you." That. That's something I'm sure I'm always gonna struggle to understand - why like me? I'm not likeable. "Getting to know you is just as good as anything else, plus my sex drive isn't really that high... And I need to really know someone before I go further." Oh.
I blinked, sitting back on her hips again as I nodded, clearing my throat. I understood that, I'd read about it before... There was no shame in it, but it would've helped to know, probably could've put my mind at ease.
"Oh." I drummed my fingers on her stomach, puffing out my cheeks for a moment before I shook my head. "Why didn't you tell me that?" I asked, meeting her gorgeous, hypnotic eyes as they took on a sort of anxious look.
Uh oh.
"Does that change your mind about me?" She asked, sounding doubtful as she traced over the skin of my hips gently, her fingers never seeking anything but what was showing, never expecting me to pull my shirt over my head so that she could see everything.
She just wanted what she had... She wanted the parts of me that she could see and wasn't asking me to show her more. That was new, but that was something that I welcomed even if it scared me... Right now, I'm scared that maybe I was pushing her to do more than she was ready for.
"No." I was firm in my words, because it really wasn't a problem. Rachelle and I also hadn't ever discussed being exclusive, so if it ever was a problem, I could see someone else as well, so long as we communicated beforehand - that's my preferred relationship anyway. Monogamy has never really been something for me, it's a conversation we still need to have. "I just wouldn't have pushed anything." She furrowed her brows at me, giving me that sweet, confused smile once again as she shook her head.
"You didn't do anything wrong." But... "You were kissing me, that's not pushing me." Right, but...
"But I was thinking we'd do more." I said, feeling miserable in that moment, feeling like everything that everyone thought that I was - a sex freak with no understanding of when to stop putting out.
But Rachelle didn't look at me like I was that... No, instead she looked at me with clarity, caring and understanding, three things that I never expect people to have towards me. Why do I deserve understanding, right?
"Because that's what normally happens for you." Her tone held no malice. "Just not this time, and that's okay." Oh. I nodded slowly, chewing on my lip.
She doesn't think I'm a monster.
"... Cool."
"Do you wanna lay back down?" Her question was gentle, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like there wasn't a wrong answer, one that would end in screaming or hitting or things being thrown around... No. Rachelle honestly wanted me to pick what I did. "We can order some food in, maybe you can spend the night again?" She asked, sounding hopeful as she rubbed her hands up and down my arms.
I breathed out a sigh of relief and nodded... Rachelle's apartment was small, a one bedroom in a shitty part of Franstend that hardly had furniture that she still managed to share with a roommate... But it was nicer than my house.
My father couldn't get to me here, I was safe in the comfort of her thin, shitty walls. I'd never leave if she'd have me forever.
"I was hoping I could." Her smile made my heart ache when I said that - toothy and large, bright enough to light up a dying sun... And for some reason, someone with that lovely of a smile wants to be with me. I don't get it... Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, maybe it's a wonder of the universe. "I really hate being at home." Emotion, near anger flitted through her eyes as she nodded, making my heart quicken.
Fuck.
"I know, baby." Something about that sent a warning tingle up my spine as I looked at her nervously... Had I done something that showed that? I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, I was never supposed to show it.
Juliette was the only person who'd really heard the gory details, aside from Esme one drunken night, and I'd paid for that heavily, I didn't need to have that happen all over again.
"How do you know?" I asked, not wanting to sound too apprehensive, too anxious, too suspicious... Too something.
That was my fear.
Being too much of something.
"You don't have to tell me what's going on if you don't want to, but I know how to spot signs of abuse that aren't just physical... I've seen the physical signs, and I can tell there's some sexual stuff there too that makes me insanely angry-." I felt bile rise in my throat as I shook my head.
I didn't want to make her angry.
"I'm sorry-." A soft kiss to the palm of my hand, and a warm, confused look stopped me from speaking.
"Not at you." I felt my heart slow a bit in my chest from the way it had been racing before. "I'm mad for you, rayon de lune." Oh.
"Moonbeam." I mumbled, smiling to myself as she pulled me back down into her arms, chuckling softly.
I never meant to verbally translate the things that she was saying.., But I understood them. I've never been good at speaking French, but I've been wonderful at understanding it ever since I started learning how.
"Do you like that one?" She asked, and I nodded, feeling myself smiling more as I did.
I really liked it.
"Mhm... It's sweet."
"You remind me of one..." She trailed off, tracing her fingers over my skin in a way that was playful, sweet and not seeking anything past just the feeling of me... The last time someone did that, I was in the dinginess of Esme's dark bedroom, and they were whispering that they wished that there was something they could do to make me want to be sweeter, that they could see that there was more to me, but couldn't reach it... That was the first time I hit them, and it makes my stomach lurch thinking about it... For some reason, I don't have the urge to do the same thing with Rachelle... Probably means that the therapy and medications are doing more for me than I thought. "I can't explain it, but you're very celestial." That made me want to crawl out of my skin.
I don't do well with compliments.
"Thank you?" My voice went up like it was a question, something it did quite frequently when people were kind to me without reason, something that Rachelle consistently was... Honestly, there's a part of me that isn't sure if I like it.
But there's also a part, the part of me that has always felt unloved, that thrives off of it... I'm not sure which part I hate more.
"Trust me, it's a compliment." "Anyway." "I know there's a lot to your past, to the things that have hurt you... That's why therapy is a must, that's why we're waiting... And that's why without meeting him, I already hate your dad."
"Fair." We sat quietly for a moment, my head on her chest and her fingers tracing over my skin again. I could hear the steadiness of her heart in her chest and the sound of her breathing... Really, the world didn't need more than that.
"Should I hate Juliette Smith?" Rachelle asked, shocking me as I quickly shook my head. There was no reason to hate Juliette, the only times she'd ever been violent or even mean towards me were completely earned... The things I did to Esme were inexcusable, and the way that I approached her discomfort around me was wrong.
Getting off on the fact that she so much as touched me was my lowest point... But Juliette wasn't the villain in that... I'm always the villain in my own story.
"Oh, fuck no." She nodded, seeming pleased with my answer, which made me think that maybe this was some kind of test that I was passing without even trying to... I mean, I'm not an idiot, so I'd probably pass whatever test it was with flying colors. "I'm the one who fucked up there, not her... Same with Shelby Hart and even Esme."
"Believe me, even if you told me to, I'd never ever hate Esme." Rachelle said, which was what I expected her to say. Esme was one of her little brother's closest friends, and even if I didn't see them hang out all that often, it was clear that he held them in a high regard, and I can't blame him for that.
Esme was truly a great person... I think that's part of why I hate them so much. They represent everything I could've been if I could've gotten out, but I didn't, so I'm stuck being this.
Being me.
"Right." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. My therapist had told me that I had to start taking responsibility for my actions... It was time for that now. "But they're... All good, I was the asshole in all of that." I insisted, half expecting to be kicked out of her bed, but instead Rachelle just squeezed my hand with a proud smile and nodded, leaning over to press a kiss to the nape of my neck. Just one.
Just one.
"Miles told me about it." She said, which took me by surprise... Not that Miles knew about it, he seemed to know most things, but that Rachelle had known and had still bothered to ask me about it.
What was the point in that? It seemed like a complete waste of time. I frowned as I traced my thumb over the side of her hand, clearing my throat as I shook my head.
"Why even ask?" Rachelle shrugged, tracing a heart on my hip... That was almost enough to make me break down, and I can't even explain why... The fact that someone could look at me and be gentle will never not shock me.
I'm not built for gentleness... I'm built to go down fighting.
"Well, if you'd said yes, we'd have to have a talk about misplaced blame." She explained, making me chuckle as I rolled off of her, letting her settle down on her own as I sat beside her, watching her shift around with a soft smile on my face.
Was this what life was supposed to feel like? I haven't been this calm in years.
"Ah, so it was a trap." I teased, seeing her roll her eyes as she reached a hand out to me.
"Not a trap, but for sure a bit of a test." She pulled me back down beside her, letting out a sigh as an arm was slung around me. "To see if therapy was working." Oh.
"I think it is." I said, really meaning that - normally by now I would've done something to blow this up because I didn't know how to accept the good things in my life as things that I deserved, but I'd kept my cool long enough that we could talk to each other like this.
Long enough that she could slow me down and hold me without me having a breakdown about how she must be planning something sinister, something that would hurt me even more in the end... She was just good, and therapy was only making it better.
"Me too." She turned on her side, sliding an arm under me and pulling me flush against her now, chest to chest, body to body as I relaxed into her, feeling my brain turn off. "Now c'mere." I don't think I can get any closer to you right now.
Well... Her skin...
No.
"Can I borrow some clothes to sleep in?" I asked, wanting to force my brain to not think of the gruesome way that I would have to crawl into her skin. I hated when it went down tangents like that, or tangents of how one little infection could make me lose my arm if cared for wrong.
It also told me all the many ways that my family would die if I didn't make three exactly three laps back and forth from my door each night with the light alternating from on to off...
It was hell... But this wasn't.
"Of course, always." I liked how she said that - Always... Like she thought of a future with me.
Nobody ever thought of a future with me... I've always been the placeholder.
"Cool."