5am I left our bedroom to grab a heavy cup of coffee. As I reached for my mug i noticed it was gone. Below where it would usually rest, sat a note that read "sound this letter out. forget the coffee. Meet me behind the barn - lee" fine. I'll skip the coffee. Once I saddled on my boots I wondered the dewy cold grass. My boots squeaked along the wet plains as I made my way to the beautiful man whom awaited me. "You're asking a lot from me" I spoke. "Am I? Look who did a great job of sounding out her words" He smiled as he held out a still steaming mug of coffee. "Ugh. Shut up" i leaned my back against the wooded posts of the fence that was built around the barn. I sunk my nose in the hot glass as we both watched the sun rise. "I won't be home for a long while. Probably in the early morning tomorrow" lee mentioned. I furrowed my brows. "He's really busting your ass huh?"
"No kiddin.. I have a lot of issues going on with the cattle. Don't wait up for me tonight"
I glanced up from my hot glass. "You know I'll be waiting"
"I know baby. I know" he kissed my skin gently along my shoulders. "I'll be late too. Not sure what yet but rip had a plan for me while my boys help you"
"That's fine" lee placed his empty mug on the wood post. "Just be carful will you?"
"I will. I always am. Cuz I'm carrying your love with meeee" he sang. I rolled my eyes. "Remember that?" He snickered. "How could I forget" that song was a song that played when attempting to reproduce. "Alright. I'll be seeing you" gently lee kissed me before pulling away. "Oh hey lee." I spoke out. Lee turned back around to acknowledge me. "I'm pregnant by the way"
Lees nonchalant face appeared to be shocked. White as a ghost. "Are you shitting me!?"
"Would I shit about that?"
"Holy shit!" He cheered before wrapping his arms around my slim body. "Are you really?"
"Yes" I reassured. Lees arms held me tight. "My baby is having a baby!?" He cackled in the crook of my neck. "Yeah! But keep quiet would you?"
"Holy fuck! I will baby. I will I swear" he held my cheeks as he smiled brightly into my soul. "Are you fucking serious?" Lee didn't hesitate to kiss me over and over. "Listen baby. I need to go. Please keep yourself safe" lee begged. "I will. Just make sure you come back home to us? Got it?"
Lee smiled deeply "I will be home in no time mama" lee shook his body with glee. "Gawd don't I love the sound of that! Woo wee!!" I watched with no emotion the love of my life wandering away. As he skipped he greeted rip. As rip nods his head to him he followed to retrieve me. "Your new boy toy jimmy is here" rip spoke as he connected the Velcro to his gloves. "Great. Shall I beat him?" I walked with rip back to the horses waiting for our travels. "He may need some beatings. Yeah" rip joked as he held the horse I had to ride in place. "Can't I take a wheeler?" I questioned. "Where we are going the wheeler can't make
It up the mountain"
"Jesus. Can't imagine what we're doing" anxiously but secretly anxious I climbed the horse gripping the reins. I knew to stay calm on such a creature. Rip tightened the straps for me as he asked me "what's up with you?"
I looked down at him with confusion. "Why is lee telling me to watch out for you? Make sure you're safe? What's up with that?"
"For a man who tells me to never ask questions you're asking a lot"
"Fancy" he sighed.
My face softened as I looked down at him. "Im carrying his kid" I spoke. Rips eyes eased as he watched me closely. "You?"
I nodded. He huffed "hmf. You never seemed the type" rip snickered. "Yeah well"
Rip reached up to grasp my hand. "That's great baby. I'm proud of you" he kissed my hand before stepping to his own horse ready to travel. "You need to keep an eye on yourself too fancy"
"I know that. I got it taken care of" behind rip I exsamined jimmy stumbling across the lawn to greet us. "You're late" I spoke. "Sorry...sorry... I got lost.."
"Well get up on that horse and let's go"
"Horse? I ain't never rode a horse"
"Today is your lucky fucking day. Let's go"
The scrawny man climbed up his steed with shaken fingers. He climbed looked around with confusion as some people sped off down the driveways while others like us headed towards the woods. He looked spooked more than anything. "Are y'all gonna kill me?" His voice cracked. "Give me a reason to and I will" I said in monotone. "Fancy" rip grumbled.
I sighed as I rode behind jimmy. Jimmys eyes gazed the Rocky Mountains in awe. He was almost amazed by the earths glory. "What are we doing?" Jimmy asked as it took us a long time of hiking our horses up the mountain. "One thing you're gonna learn about this place Jimmys asking questions is the dumbest shit you can do" rip replied. Jimmy furrowed his eye brows. "I can't ask questions about anything?"
I gave him a look of stupidity. He nodded his head "sorry" he spoke. I leaped off of my horse after some time. "Don't apologize for nothing. Makes you look weak"
"It does doesn't it" jimmy also stepped off his horse next to the creek we were at. He stepped down a steep hill to observe the river. "Grab that dynamite from my bag" rip called out to me. I grasped the bundle of death before pulling its thread apart. "Dynamite!? Isn't this illegal!?" Jimmy hollered. "What do you care? You made meth" I mentioned. Jimmy cocked his shoulders. "I guess you're right"
As rip and Lloyd attended to the redirecting of the river. I stepped down the slope of the river to meet jimmy. Jimmy smiled at the water as he cheered "those are fish! What kind of fish?" He smiled. "Carp. Salmon I'm sure" I answered. "Can you two cut the shit!? Get up here and stop jerkin off!" Rip demanded. I rolled my eyes as I watched jimmy grasp a tree to get up the steep hill. Jimmys hand reached out to help me up. "It's slippery be careful" jimmy assured me as his palm stretched open. I looked at his hand then back up at him. "I can handle it" I said in a snarky tone. Ignoring his hand I attempted to reach for the same branch he did when climbing up. As I did so the branch tore off the barked body. I suddenly swing my arms to catch myself but it was too late. I had slipped and fell into the wet rushing concrete below me. I yelped as I splashed into the moving river. "Shit!! Shit!!" Was all I heard. My hands attempted to grasp the huge sharp river rocks below me attempting to stop myself from drowning. The pressure from the deadly waters were so strong my hands slipped then sliced open on the gouging rocks. My sights have been blinded by the water devouring my face. All I could do was hold my breath and wish for luck. Some meters is all I could assume I drifted. The earth decided it wasn't my time to go just yet. My arms locked onto a branch to pull my bloody self out of the ice cold waters. "Fancy!!" Rip yelled as he stumbled down the rivers cliff. "Take my hand"
"I cant!" I gasped for air as I held on for dear life. "I've got you! You won't move. Come on honey" rip spoke calmly to relax my body that had been put into cold shock. My small hypothermic body was yanked from the river then dragged through the wet ground. "Fuck!" My mouth stuttered. "Damn it fancy! Fuck is wrong with you!?" Rip panted as he pulled my 20 year old jacket off them tossed it to the ground. "F...f...fuck you..m..mean...w...what's w...wrong w...with ...m..me! T...th...think I...I...m..meant...t...to..d...do that!?" I shivered. "Get off me!" I shoved rips hands as they attempted to take off my freezing cold and soaked clothes. With my sliced palms I pulled my clothes off leaving me in a bra and soaked jeans. "Fucker!" Rip paced the ground. "Here. Here!" Jimmy spoke in a panic as he stripped off his sweatshirt to drape over my freezing body. My shaking arms pulls through the sleeves as I sat on the ground in defeat. "Here. Jimmy and I will finish this up. Lloyd you take fancy and build her a fire. We're much too far from home to be able to get her warmed up quick enough" rip directed us as he pulled his newer jacket off to put onto my arms. "Give me that" I mumbled as I grasped rips jacket he gave me when he was 15. "Come on half pint. It's freezing." Lloyd picked me up carrying me down to my horse. Slowly and gently he took me down to the bottom of the mountain. It took us almost an hour and half to get down the mountain. It has taken us all day to get up the mountain to begin with. Because of me I ruined our plans. I'm never going to hear the end of this. "Lee is gonna kick our asses" Lloyd chuckled as he. "What for?"
"Nearly losing you down a god damn river"
"Why would he care" I spoke as if I was oblivious. "You must think I'm as stupid as a dog eating rocks! I know that boy loves you more than god loves this ever loving earth"
I stared down at the fire Lloyd was tending to. "Yeeeep.. he's gonna kick your asses more than you could imagine" I agreed. Lloyd cackled again. "Somthing new with you ain't there?"
"How would you know?"
"I can see it on your face. What's going on?" He questioned as he tore a rag in half to wrap around my palms. "I know you better than you know yourself half pint. Tell me" he grinned. "I'm pregnant. Ain't nothin more to tell" I looked down at my hand to avoid the heat. But there was no heat. Lloyd smiled. "If that child is anything like you. Thank the lord I get to experience another one of you. But if that baby is anythliie lee when he was a kid? God fuckin bless. Welcome to hell darlin"
I shook my head as I leaned my head on Lloyd shoulder. "I nearly killed myself right then and there. Imagine the thing I could do with a child"
"You ain't the only one with a child baby. That child's got a daddy. And a pawpaw. And an uncle. Multiple uncles. You ain't alone"
"I know... but.. I don't trust it. I don't trust myself to be a good mom"
"You will. You will be the best-"
We both shot our heads into the sky. We stared up at the mountain as the center of the earth blew into pieces. "Looks like it worked"
"Where is rip? Shouldn't he be here by now?"
"He's coming honey. Don't worry"
Just when I began to worry rip and jimmy came running from god knows where. "You warm enough now?" Rip smirked. "Yeah. I'm fine" I looked back down at the fire with shame. "It's late. We should head back. Suns going down. Last thing I need to deal with are the coyotes out here. Y'all ready?" Rip asked. Lloyd put out the fire then helped me up off the ground. "Get you home. Get you some dry clothes"
"I'm exhausted" I huffed.
"You regret taking my hand now don't ya?" Jimmy smirked. "Boy I ain't scared of kicking the shit outta you once I'm dry. Backtalk is the last thang you'll want to talk to me about"
....
Hours later I made it home. I climbed the steps of my home. I stepped inside calling out lees name "I'm home. You home baby?" I noticed his boots weren't by the door. Even though he never put them by the door to begin with. "Baby?" I called out once again. I scanned the room to notice a record album sat on the coffee table in the living room. The album held George strait's "carrying your love with me" on the back held a note that said "now sound this out! play this song when you're kissing me, missin me or whenever you're fishing with me" I shook my head as I caught myself smirking. That didn't even rhyme. He was never the brightest. I could see the songs he loved highlighted in yellow. God bless this hopeless romantic. I placed that record face front on his old beaten machine. I placed the needle down as I headed into a nice hot shower. With a smile I ran my fingers through my hair once I was dressed. I listened to the lyrics as I thought to myself. Maybe life
Wasn't so bad. Maybe everything that has ever happened was for good reason. I was starting my life finally. I had a reason to love, to live and to smile. Until I heard a knock at the door. This would be the last time I ever smiled. As I opened the door Lloyd stood ill. "Lee ain't here is he?"
"Nah. He ain't back yet. What's wrong?"
"They ain't seen him in hours"
"Hours? He's missing? Where could he be?"
"I don't know darlin but we have men on horses, men on wheelers they're lookin. Jamie's calling the sheriff for search dogs"
"He...he'll be back soon. He ain't never gone for too long" I said as I was gulping down every inch of fear I had. "Come on honey. We could use your help"
I draped a coat around my shoulders before running out as far as I could. Lloyd followed me to meet up with rip at the edge of the fencing. We stood in the grass, staring out deep into the dark. It was too dark for me to see. " I want you to stay here just in case he comes back. You're the first thing he's gonna come to. Besides, you can't see in this dark you're better off staying here keeping that kid inside you safe"
"I'm looking for my husband rip"
"I understand you want to but I have at least 80 pairs of eyes in them woods looking for him. He told me to keep you safe so I am"
"Rip! I'm looking for him" a hand reached out and held me by my chest to stop me from moving. From a distance, I hear chanting and whistling. "There! Right there!" Man spoke from a distance. Down the driveway where I stood, I watched as John leaped onto his horse and bolted across the field. Because of how dark it was, and my eyes couldnt see. all I could see was a dot and John Dutton turning into a dot. "Is it him?" I questioned. It stayed quiet. rip was quiet and so was Lloyd. I stared out at the dot as hard as I could to understand what it was. " is it him? What's happening? Tell me. Describe it to me!" I demanded from my older brother as he held me. " it's him... it's him" his voice was monotone. he was quiet almost like he was dead inside. " what happened? Why did you say it like that? Can you tell me what's going on? I can't fucking see! I'm serious what's going on?"
Rip hung his head. As rip hung his head , my stomach hung itself. Suddenly that dot was getting closer and closer. My heart began to repair itself as I thought Lee was getting closer and closer. Then I realize. That wasn't him. It was his little brother. His brother held wounds upon his body and blood soaked into his clothing. he was riding a horse, his father's horse. I stumbled back a bit as his horse halted in front of me. Casey face was pale. He looked like he was going to be sick. He didn't look me in the eyes. He just hung his head. His voice was husky and devastated. He held a black hat in his hands and pawned it off to me. " I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.. I tried.." he rode away from me. Sorry for what? What happened? I looked down at the hat. Inside the hat, sat a picture of lee and his beloved wife. My breathing got heavy There was blood all over his hat. I looked up, rip is shaking his head with empathy. "No" I spoke. "What... rip... lee. What?" I couldn't speak. I was stuttering. I stumbled backwards back behind the barn towards our house. I shook my head frantically, as if I was trying to wake myself up from a nightmare. "No. No!" I tried so hard to catch my breath, but there is no air coming in nor coming out. I pulled my shirt off over my head, trying to breathe as I felt like the world was tightening around me. My chest felt heavy, almost like a horse had died on top of it. I stumbled against the back of the barn, causing myself to hit the ground. "Fancy...fancy breathe baby. Hey! Hey! Breath!" I didn't know what rip was saying. All I could hear was nothing all nothing but the sound of my heart pounding over and over. My heart was pounding faster and faster as I attempted to breathe. "No!"I gasped. " fance relax you're gonna hurt yourself!" Rips, hands, patted my face, trying to break my concentration. The world around me was tumbling down. "Lee" I whimpered. I grasped rips wrists As tears began to fill my face for the first time in years. " you can cry. You can cry now honey. You'll be Okay. Fancy you can cry" rip begged. He begged for me to do anything else than to lose myself. " you need to breathe. It's time to breathe" I was hyperventilating at this point. All I could remember was my face feeling numb from tears. Rip pulled me into his body as I screamed and yelled into his soul. For some reason I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to release so much rage out into this planet. Punching his chest, as if he was the reason. Rip held my wrist as restraint. "shhh...shhh.. let it out honey...let it out... it's okay to let it out" he reassured me. And I did just that. I screamed and I cried. I cried harder than a newborn baby. I cried harder than a child who lost its mother. I cried harder than a mother, whom just brought a child into the world. I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life. My life is over. my love is gone. What for what have I done? Where is husband. I needed my husband...