A/N
This chapter will contain information about Emily's past and her struggles. It'll talk about self harm and about suicidal thoughts and actions. It's an important chapter to understand Emily more, but if you're not comfortable with those topics, please skip this!
Today is September 12th. It's the day everything changed. The day my parents found me and rushed me to the hospital. It's the day I wanted to die and the day I decided to live.
I swallowed a whole bottle of pills and chased it down with burning liquor. I remember how it felt. Slowly, all the feelings started to fade away and I began to see stars. Eventually everything went dark, and I took what I thought would be my last breath, relieved that the pain would finally be over.
But then, I woke up, blinded by the bright hospital lights, my head pounding. I looked around the empty room, realizing I was alone.
My arms are wrapped in bandages, and there's an IV in one of them. Confused and disoriented, I wonder if I'm in hell. But after a few minutes, my parents and the doctors enter the room, asking how I'm feeling and if I'm in pain. I question about where I am, and they fill me in on what happened. They explain that they had to pump my stomach to remove the pills and that I've been drifting in and out of consciousness for the past few days.
After my hospital stay, I began seeing a psychiatrist regularly for therapy. At first, the idea of confiding in a stranger seemed strange to me, but now I realize it's exactly what I needed. They took there time to help me see the good side of life again.
Today is 12 September and I feel worse than I've ever felt. It's a constant battle staying clean. It's a fight between your body and mind and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. And maybe today a little more than usual.
I try to push aside the feeling as much as possible. With school and responsibilities, staying busy is often the best distraction.
After a quick shower, I get dressed. Since it's going to be another hot day, I opt for the same light cardigan I wore yesterday. I head downstairs for breakfast, and Mom has already prepared my plate.
"How are you feeling?" She asks with a knowing look on her face.
"I'm fine. Just struggling a bit." I admit. She nods empathetically as I sit down to eat.
"I'll be home all day, so let me know if you want to be picked up, alright?" she offers, leaning against the counter.
"Yeah, I will." I assure her, finishing up my breakfast and making myself ready to leave. "I'm going to school. I'll see you later." I call after mom, who went to the washroom.
"Be safe. I'll see you later." She replies as she emerges from the washroom, leaning in to plant a quick kiss on my head before I leave.
• • •
At school, I stop by my locker before heading to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and cool down.
The bell rings and I make my way to calculus. I'm struggling to keep focused but manage to get the things done that needed to be done. After calculus, we have English. It's a class I don't need to focus on too much and still understand what's going on.
Ms. Anderson walks in and starts her lesson. We've moved on from Shakespeare, to some other authors around and after that period.
I'm sitting in class, not really paying attention, just mindlessly drawing squares on my paper and filling them in with color. Surprisingly, Ms. Anderson isn't calling on me, which I'm grateful for. Jennifer is absent today because she's got the flu or something. It's quiet without her here and today I kind of miss it. She would be the perfect distraction.
The bell rings and I start packing up, ready to leave the classroom as I hear Ms. Anderson call after me.
"Emily, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks, her voice carrying a hint of concern.
"Yeah, what's up?" I approach her desk, bracing myself for whatever she has to say.
"I noticed you weren't really paying attention," she remarks, leaning against her desk, arms crossed. She looks impeccable as always, dressed in jeans and a white blouse.
"I guess I haven't slept well," I reply, not really wanting to open up about it.
"I've also noticed you always wear long sleeves, even when it's hot outside," she observes, her tone softening, eyes filled with understanding.
"Well- I- I just- get sunburned easily." I stammer, struggling to come up with an excuse. Ms. Anderson nods, but the look on her face tells me she doesn't believe me.
"Can you promise me something, Emily?" she asks, her voice now even softer.
"Sure," I respond cautiously, unsure of what she'll ask.
"Promise me you'll let me know the next time you get sunburned," she says looking at me with pleading eyes, and I know she knows.
"I can't make that promise. I would be lying." I admit, looking down, desperate to escape this conversation.
"Then can you at least promise me you'll try?" she asks gently.
"Alright," I nod, gesturing toward the door. "May I leave now?" I ask, eager to put an end to this uncomfortable interaction.
"Yes, you may." She nods and gives me a small smile. It's hurts seeing she's hurt by this. That's why I don't tell people. I don't want them to worry about me. I can't bear the thought of them seeing me as fragile, as if I'm on the verge of breaking at any moment.
I leave the classroom and immediately call my mom. I can't stand being here a moment longer. She assures me she'll be here soon, so I head outside and wait for her to arrive. As soon as she's here I step inside and go in for a hug. She doesn't say anything, she just hugs me back.
It's a quiet drive home, and once we're there I go to my room and grab a book. My mind is going all sorts of places I don't want it to go, so I hope a book will do the trick.
I've started 'Good Girl, Bad Bood' which is the sequel to 'A Good Girls Guide To Murder'. It takes me away for a while and I'm actually enjoying it. As I finish it, I'm ready to start the third book, but my thoughts are now louder then the words I'm reading. I sit up and stare at the floor. I have to get out of here. I know I won't be able to ignore this for much longer if I stay in my room, or even in this house.
I go downstairs and tell my mom im going on a walk. Initially hesitant, but when she sees the look in my eyes, she nods and asks if I have my phone with me, which I have.
I have to clear my mind and that won't happen in my room where it all happened. I start walking without knowing where im going. I just walk and let my feet take me, while I try clearing my mind.
After a while it's getting dark and I stop to look around. I stand in front of a house that looks vaguely familiar, but I'm not able to place right now. I see a shadow behinds the curtains, before someone opens them and sees me.
Somehow I ended up in front of Ms. Anderson's house and I want to run as far away as possible before she's outside, but I'm frozen in place and can't move my feet.
"What are you doing here, Emily?" she asks, concern evident in her voice.
"I don't really know. I'm sorry, I'll go," I say, only realizing now that tears are streaming down my face.
"I'm not letting you wander off in this state," she insists, stepping closer to me.
"Seriously, I'm fine. I really don't know why I'm here. I'm sorry to bother you," I say, attempting to retreat, but she catches my hand and turns me back towards her.
"I'm not letting you leave like this. Just come inside for a moment," she urges, releasing my hand and motioning towards the house. I shake my head.
"No, I really don't want to be a burden. I'll just head home," I say, wiping away a tear.
"You're not a burden, Emily. I care about you, and I won't let you walk away like this," she reassures, placing a comforting hand on my back and guiding me towards the door. "Come on," she whispers, leading me inside.
Once inside, she heads to the kitchen, and I trail behind. The heat inside begins to make me uncomfortable.
"Is everything okay?" she asks, pouring me a glass of water.
"Yeah, just feeling a bit warm," I reply, accepting the water and taking a sip. She gazes at me, and it looks like she's trying to find the right words to say.
"I understand if you're not comfortable taking off your cardigan, and that's perfectly fine. But just know you can if you want to," she says with a gentle smile. Something inside me changes. If there is one person in this world that I would trust this with, it's her.
She's opened up to me and I feel like taking it off will show her I trust her too. That doesn't mean I'm not insecure anymore. It just means I've found someone I feel safe enough with. So I decide to take it off.
As I'm looking at her, I slowly slip off my cardigan and drape it over a nearby chair. She watches me for a moment, her eyes roaming over my body, taking everything in. A shiver runs through me as her gaze lingers, but then she meets my eyes again.
"You're absolutely beautiful, Emily," she whispers, crossing the room to pull me into a comforting hug. I melt into her embrace, tears welling up once more. Resting my head against her neck, she softly strokes my hair, her touch soothing. Pulling back slightly, she plants a tender kiss on the top of my head, her hand still caressing my hair.
After some time, I withdraw slightly, tears still glistening in my eyes as I gaze at her. She delicately cups my face, brushing away the tears with gentle fingers. Her touch lingers, and she tenderly tucks a few strands of hair behind my ear.
"Would you like to stay here for a while?" she whispers, and I nod in agreement. She lets her hand trail down until she intertwines her fingers with mine, guiding me to the couch.
She turns on the TV and settles into the corner of the couch. Gesturing for me to join her, I sit down, and she gently pulls me close, encouraging me to lay down.
I can hear her heartbeat and it soothes me. She begins to run her fingers through my hair once more, and I wrap my arms around her, closing my eyes.
I'm finally relaxing in the warmth of her embrace and and I drift off to sleep without a worry in the world.
• • •
I wake up to the sound of someone talking. Sitting up, I take a moment to gather my surroundings, realising where I am just as Ms. Anderson enters the room with my phone in hand.
"You're mom kept calling, so I answered and let her know you're here," she explains, passing me the phone. That's going to be one hell of a conversation once I get home.
"Right, thank you," I reply, taking the phone from her. As I do, I realise my arms are still out and quickly pull back.
"You don't have to be embarrassed," she reassures, noticing my reaction as she sits beside me.
"I know, I'm just not used to having them out like this," I admit, meeting her gaze. She takes my hand in hers, and I relax a little as our fingers intertwine. Leaning closer, she plants a gentle kiss on the side of my head before speaking.
"It's already 9:30, so I called the school to let them know I won't be coming in. Your mom is doing the same for you," she informs me, and I look back up at her.
"I don't want you to miss school because of me," I confess, feeling guilty all of a sudden.
"Well, it's a bit too late for that now. Besides, I'd much rather spend the day with you," she says with a smile, giving me a playful nudge with her shoulder.
"You want to spend the day with me?" I ask, confused by her offer.
"Well, yeah, if you choose to stay here at least. But if you want to go home, I'd understand," she explains, leaving the decision up to me. I consider it for a moment, though deep down, I already know there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
"I'd like to stay here," I reply with a smile.
"Great," she rises from the couch and heads to the kitchen. "Would you like to make breakfast together? Maybe pancakes or something?" she suggests, and I follow her into the kitchen.
"Sure," I agree, as she gathers the necessary ingredients.
"Do you know how to make them?" she asks, handing me the eggs, flour, and milk.
"I do," I grab a bowl and start mixing the ingredients. As I'm busy, I feel her hands wrap around my waist, causing my cheeks to flush instantly. She leans in close, whispering in my ear.
"Can you move a little, darling?" she requests, and I shift slightly, clearing my throat nervously. "Thanks," she whispers in my other ear before releasing her hold on my waist and retrieving a few plates from the cabinet. God, why does she keep doing this to me?
After the pancakes are done, we move to the table and begin eating. There's a comfortable silence as we enjoy our meal, though I can't help but notice her stealing glances at me, making me feel nervous, again. She notices and smirks.
"Everything alright, darling." She teases.
"Mhmn," I hum, trying to focus on anything but her.
"It's just that you seem a bit flushed," she remarks playfully.
"It's just very hot in here." I reply, my voice strained.
"But it's not, actually," she bites her lip, her gaze locking with mine. And my eyes trail down to her lips, lingering there. She notices and smirks seductively. "Tell me want you want, Emily."
"I want you," the words slip out before I can even process them. Surprisingly, she doesn't seem shocked by my confession; instead, she appears to have anticipated it, enjoying my reaction as I realise what I've said.
"You do, huh?" she asks casually, taking our plates to the kitchen. I'm left dumbfounded for a moment, watching her leave me sitting there. Gathering my thoughts, I stand and move around the counter, leaning against it.
"Are you going to ignore me now?" I question.
"Well, since you left me hanging yesterday, it seems you'll need to put in a bit more effort to show me you truly want me," she replies, turning to face me.
"Like what?" I ask, prepared to beg if necessary.
"You'll find out," she smirks, aware of my desire for an immediate answer. "I'm not giving you anything today, if that's what you're asking. You didn't give me what I wanted yesterday, so now I'll make you wait." With a wink, she strolls past me, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more, unsure if I'll be able to wait.
A/N
So this time we tackled a darker subject, one that I believe is important to discuss: addiction. It can make itself visible in a lot of forms such as self-harm, and affects more people than we might think, often suffering in silence . I've tried to represent it here without going to much into detail and stressed the importance of confiding in someone trustworthy, like a parent, a teacher, or a friend.
Please reach out if you find yourself in a situation like this one! I know it's scary, but believe me, it's better to go through it with someone by your side.
But except for all that, I hope you liked it! And please let me know if there are things you want to see!<3
Regards
~N💋