CHAPTER TWENTY ONE !
⤷ ❝ LET'S NOT OVERTHINK IT. ❞
FLASHBACK !
"I NEED TO BRING BACK MY 5TH GRADE READING ERA," zara says as she picks up a copy of 'everything i know about love' by dolly alderton.
lena snorts as she leans over her sister's shoulder to read the back of the book. "the only reading i need to be doing is my stat textbook."
"that's actually true i should probably start reading the syllabus for my new classes," zara says as as her eyes scan the book. seems like a good read, but zara always forgets she's reading a book when her schoolwork starts to pile up. it's a bad habit of hers.
the fluorescent lights hum overhead as zara and lena are at target with xavier, matt, nick, and chris. it's new year's eve, and the group has decided to spend the afternoon together, searching for inspiration to kickstart their resolutions for the upcoming year.
before they go to a party and do everything they shouldn't do, they want to purchase something that will help them be on a start to a new version of themselves. inspirational stuff really.
zara and lena found themselves drawn to the books section. lena wants to read more classics to attract a smart british man, while zara wants to explore different genres and just enjoy reading like she used to when she was younger.
meanwhile, chris and xavier completely missed the point. they are already distracted by the demonstration nintendo switch set up nearby. they're grinning as they scream and argue over mario kart as if they aren't legal adults.
nick and matt are much more on task. they wander the aisles together and nick considers taking up gardening. that's how zara knows he's lost. gardening is crazy. matt however wants to start writing more, as he feels like there's a lot in his brain.
zara can confirm that fact, especially after all their late-night conversations about anything and everything. matt likes to act tough in front of people, but zara likes to think she gets the softer, more authentic side of him when it's just the two of them.
lena drifts away to explore other aisles, and zara finds herself alone amidst the rows of books, her attention drawn to the colorful spines lining the shelves. she's lost in thought, contemplating which books to add to her new collection, when she feels a gentle touch on her waist, causing her heart to skip a beat.
turning around, zara finds matt standing behind her, a faint smile playing on his lips as he holds two different journals in his hand. his presence sends a surge of warmth through her, and she can't help but return his smile.
yeah. zara likes matt. she couldn't help it! at first, matt was just her friend. she thought never in a million years would it be matt. if anything, she was sure it would be chris.
oh how she was wrong!
shortly after becoming friends with matt, they became best friends. they would do everything together. naturally, zara being just a girl, she caught feelings for him. it was easy. he charmed her with his personality and his stupid smile.
she knows he's a player and all that, but when he does... anything really, zara feels her stomach flip. he makes her nervous when he looks at her, when he smiles at her, and when he makes the conscious effort to always be next to her.
so cliche, but she couldn't help herself.
"hey," he says softly, his voice warm and familiar. "which one do you think i should get?"
zara's gaze flickers between the two journals, noting the differences in design and size. she takes a moment to consider before gesturing to the one on the left. it's a simple brown one with a tree engraved in it. "i like that one," she says. "it's very you."
matt nods in agreement, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. "z knows best." zara feels a rush of warmth at his words, her cheeks flushing slightly. what the fuck! he said one thing and she's acting like she's in middle school still. get a grip.
as matt slips the chosen journal into his basket, he turns his attention back to zara. "so, what book are you getting?"
zara shrugs, scanning the shelves once more. she looks down at the dune trilogy she has in her left hand, then the dolly alderton book tucked under her arm. "i'm not sure yet," she admits. "maybe one of these two." she shrugs. "but i also kind of want to read a mystery book."
matt smirks. "not a romance novel?" he suggests playfully. "thought you loved the corny stuff."
"yeah, but new year new me," zara retorts, playfully rolling her eyes at him. "i need to expand my tastes."
"the book under your arm literally has the word love in the title," matt says with a laugh, using his free hand to pull it out. "doesn't seem very new to me."
"it's a memoir actually, thank you very much," zara says as she takes the book back from matt, putting it in the basket he's holding. "just because you said that, i'm getting it now." she drops the dune trilogy in his basket too for good measure. "and i'm reading these too."
matt chuckles, shaking his head. "you're such a nerd," he says, nudging zara playfully. "but you do you."
"at least i'm not the guy getting a journal to write in," zara responds with a smirk, folding her arms across her chest as she and matt begin walking out of the book aisle.
matt raises an eyebrow, feigning offense. "hey, journaling is a serious thing," he protests, a smile on his face so that zara knows that he isn't serious. "it's called self-reflection, zar. you should try it sometime." he frowns. "maybe reflect on how poorly you treat me."
zara laughs, shaking her head in amusement. "maybe i will," she replies with a shrug. "maybe i'll be like you and keep a list of all the guys i kiss."
"and are you planning on adding the first guy to the list tonight?" matt teases in a tone that makes zara feel like he's flirting with her. like he wants it to be his name on the list. "any special guys you're kissing when the ball drops?"
zara shrugs, feigning nonchalance. "i hope so." she smirks. "there better be a cute guy there for me or i'm gonna be mad that i'm starting the year off on the wrong foot."
zara is really just saying anything at this point. realistically, matt would be the one she wants to kiss when that ball drops, but that's not gonna happen. matt will probably be off with some random girl, starting the year with her. she can't let it be known that she hates that fact, so she just plays it off.
matt hums in response, but for a moment there's an unreadable expression on his face. then, to zara's shock, he speaks again. "well, why don't we make sure that doesn't happen?" his voice is soft, tentative, and zara can hardly believe what she's hearing. "we could kiss. you and me."
zara's heart leaps into her throat at the suggestion, her mind racing as she tries to process what matt is saying. she stares at matt, her eyes wide with surprise, her heart pounding in her chest. this is not how she expected this day to go, and yet... a part of her can't help but feel a flicker of hope igniting deep within her chest.
for a moment, she's lost for words. but then she remembers it's matt. he can't be serious. she can't help but tease him. partially because she needs to bring herself back down to earth for a second.
"calling yourself cute is crazy matt," she says with a playful grin, trying to lighten the mood despite the rapid thumping of her heart.
matt chuckles, but there's a seriousness in his gaze that stops zara in her tracks. "i'm serious, zar," he says, his tone earnest. "i want to start the new year with my best friend."
there it is! that best friend word again! but still... could it be that matt feels the same way she does? could he really want to kiss her as much as she wants to kiss him? why else would he ask? he could kiss any girl he wanted and he's choosing her?
definitely boosts her confidence a bit.
"okay, zara says softly, a shy smile on her face. "let's do it."
"great," matt says, throwing an arm around zara's shoulder and beginning to lead her towards their friends once more. "you can finally find out what a good kisser i am."
zara snorts as she shakes her head. she does it to pretend like that sentence didn't make her want to die a little. she's kissing matt in a few hours! totally not nervous! "genuinely shut up and never speak again."
zara would consider this a party. there's a crowd of people dancing in every room and the music is the only thing filling the air, mingling with the laughter and chatter of the guests. despite only having a few sips of alcohol, zara feels the buzz of excitement coursing through her veins as she moves from group to group, chatting and laughing with her friends.
usually she would drink, but she wants to be completely sober for her kiss with matt. she wants to remember it just in case she embarrasses herself. at least then she'll know that she has to run away and move to a cow farm in france!
zara had expected matt to wander off at some point during the night. after all, he is known for his wandering eye and tendency to get caught up in the moment. but to her surprise, he has stayed by her side, without even a hint of restlessness.
he has even been a bit closer than usual. a lingering hand on her waist. sitting extra close to her on the chair when there is clearly room to the side of him. he's being different and zara can't decide if it's a good different or not.
dorian is helping take her mind off it though. he has been the life of the party, his infectious laughter filling the room as he dances and starts random games for everyone to play. nick and chris took part in probably the most heated game of beer pong zara has ever seen (chris couldn't take shots because he has a lift in the afternoon so nick considered it unfair).
xavier and lena somehow took over the dj booth and made sure that the queue was a good one. gabriella had been her usual bubbly self, flitting from conversation to conversation with ease. and isaac has kept everyone entertained with his dry humor and commentary on random couples stumbling by.
zara tries to focus on the fun around her, but the impending kiss with matt keeps creeping into her thoughts. despite his casual demeanor, she can't shake the feeling of nervousness gnawing at her insides.
why is he being so normal about this! or is zara just a middle school girl in an adults body?
as the night wears on and the countdown to midnight draws nearer, zara finds herself stealing glances at matt whenever she thinks he isn't looking. he seems so calm and collected, chatting and laughing with their friends as if nothing out of the ordinary is about to happen.
is it normal for friends to kiss when the ball drops? zara isn't sure.
for zara, it feels like her heart is about to burst out of her chest with each passing second. she wonders if matt can hear the rapid thumping of her heart, or if he can see the way her hands tremble ever so slightly whenever he brushes against her.
she feels more nervous about the fact that the kiss means more to her than it does matt. she's more mad when she glances at matt once more, trying to gauge his mood. he is so relaxed about it that it just confirms that it's just a kiss to him.
of course it's just a kiss. zara doesn't know why she heaped herself up to make it seem like anything different.
suddenly, matt turns to her, his gaze searching and concerned. "you okay?" he whispers, his voice soft against the backdrop of the party. their friends are engrossed in their own conversations, leaving them in a quiet bubble.
zara forces a smile. "yeah, i'm fine," she says, but the uncertainty lingers in her eyes, betraying her attempts at composure. matt notices. of course he notices. this is why she caught feelings for him in the first place! he's so nice to her!
matt's expression softens and he wraps an arm around the back of the chair where zara's head rests. "you're quiet," he says, his voice warm and reassuring. "you sure you're good?" zara nods and then matt leans his head in to whisper, "we can leave if you want."
zara's heart skips a beat at matt's offer. she forces another smile, hoping that this one is more believable than the last. "no, really, i'm fine," she insists. there we go! this one had some more conviction.
matt's gaze lingers on her for a moment longer, as if trying to decipher the truth behind her words. then, with a nod, he leans in closer again, his warm breath brushing against her ear. "just let me know if you need anything," he murmurs softly, his touch sending a shiver down zara's spine.
before she can respond, isaac's voice cuts through the air, snapping them out of their moment. "hey, guys, it's almost time!" he announces, gesturing toward the time on his phone. "we should head outside to the projector so we can watch the ball drop."
"i can't believe it's the new year on the east coast already," gabriella says as she throws an arm around issac's shoulder. "i need to call my grandma." everyone in the group chuckles and they begin leaving the living room.
matt stands up from the couch first, extending a hand to help zara to her feet. she notices the way his eyes trail up and down her body, a faint heat rising to her cheeks. despite the nervous flutter in her stomach, she doesn't say anything, allowing matt to wrap an arm around her waist as they join their friends on their walk outside.
as they step into the cool night air, zara remembers that it is literally new years eve. it's almost a new year. besides matt, so much could change this year. she's excited honestly. but back to matt, perhaps, this new year will bring more than just a kiss at midnight. maybe it will bring the clarity she's been searching for.
shit, maybe matt could be a horrible kisser and all the feelings for him just disappear! maybe it would be for the best too.
the friend group makes their way outside to a spot with a clear view of the projector, where the countdown will be displayed. it's a bit chilly out, but not too bad.
as they settle into their positions, matt turns to zara. "we don't have to do this if you're not comfortable by the way," he murmurs, his voice barely audible over the hum of excitement around them. "i was joking earlier and if you don't want to—"
zara shakes her head. "no it's okay. i want to," she says, her voice more confident than she feels. despite her nerves, she knows that this moment is something she wants to experience, regardless of the outcome.
she just has to know what all the hype is about.
matt grins, his hand finding hers and giving it a gentle squeeze. "okay," he replies softly, his gaze holding hers for a lingering moment. "just know, you're actually not going to be able to get enough of me after this."
"i think i'll be fine," zara responds, jokingly pushing matt's head away from her. matt laughs and just then, the countdown begins.
the voices around them rise in unison, echoing through the night air. "ten!... nine!... eight!..." the numbers blur, each digit bringing them closer to the moment they've (zara) been waiting for.
matt pulls zara closer, his touch sending a surge of warmth through her veins, and she instinctively loosely wraps her arms around his neck.
"three!... two!... one!..." the crowd erupts into cheers as the clock strikes midnight, and amidst all of the voices, matt's is the only one she hears.
"happy new year zara." their lips are inches apart at this point and zara can quite literally feel the ghost of matt's lips on hers.
"happy new year matt," she whispers, her voice barely above a whisper.
and then, with a surge of courage she didn't know she had, she closes the gap between them, pressing her lips to his in a soft kiss. it's like fireworks exploding in the night sky, a burst of emotion and longing that leaves zara breathless and wanting more.
she can feel the gentle rhythm of matt's heartbeat against her chest, matching her rown. his arms are pulling her closer as if even possible, and she melts into his touch with a sense of longing she never knew existed.
matt hums into the kiss before they part. it's a short and sweet kiss, but it's enough to instantly have zara hooked.
"that was really nice," matt says with a grin. "wait." before zara even has a chance to respond, matt is leaning in for another kiss. as if he's confirming or something. "yeah, that was nice," he repeats as their lips part for the second time. zara grins as she tries to act like she is not gassed the fuck up right now. matt said their kiss was nice? come onnnn.
"i could tell," zara teases. "went in for seconds and all." the way matt is smiling at her makes her feel like this situation went from a friendly one to something more.
matt laughs softly as he lets go of zara's waist. she's suddenly missing the contact. "your lips are soft so you know." matt shrugs. "take what i can get out here."
"you're such a cornball," zara responds playfully, unable to resist teasing him.
matt's grin widens at her response, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "did i at least live up to your expectations?" he asks, his tone teasing yet tinged with a hint of vulnerability. much to zara's dismay, he so did. it wasn't that real of a kiss either.
she can't imagine what a real one would be like.
zara's heart skips a beat at the sincerity in his question, and she meets his gaze with a soft smile. "eh," she teases. "the hype wasn't necessary."
"okay, rude," matt says as he teasingly bumps into her side. as they ring in the new year together, zara can't help but feel a sense of hope. she kissed her best friend and they proceeded to flirt after. this has to be a good sign.
or maybe she's just delusional. who knows!
"so are gonna just ignore the fact that zara and matt just kissed?"
"they WHAT?"
zara lies beside matt, their breaths shallow and her heart pounding in her chest. the aftermath of their... intimacy hangs heavy in the air, filling the room with an almost tangible tension. she can feel matt's presence beside her, the dip in the bed reminding her of what exactly just happened.
zara just slept with matt. her best friend. while she was sober. annoyingly so, she enjoyed it. she didn't even mean for it to happen. she always told herself she would never go that far with matt.
here she is though!
following their new year's eve kiss, things just escalated. matt was flirtier than usual and just looked too good. he asked zara if she wanted to leave since "everyone is drunk now anyways" and zara couldn't say no.
the rest of their friends stayed behind and probably returned to the rossi house. zara and matt however, went back to the sturniolo house. zara was nervous in matt's presence and he could tell. it took no more than a few sexual tension-filled seconds for matt to ask her if she wanted to kiss him again. of course she did.
one thing led to another and she ended up in his bed, closer than close. closer than they've ever been.
but despite the closeness, zara can't bring herself to look at him. her mind is a whirlwind, and she needs a moment to process everything that has just happened. like what does this mean for her relationship with matt? did matt do it because he had feelings for her or because she was the only one there for him tonight?
after a moment of tense silence, zara finally breaks the stillness. "i'm going to the bathroom," she murmurs.
slowly, she rolls off the bed, her movements careful and deliberate, the soreness in her body a reminder of their recent... encounter. she gathers her scattered thoughts and bends down to pick up her underwear from the floor. she's so embarrassed. she hopes matt isn't watching.
unfortunately, matt is now moving! she won't look at him for two reasons. one) she's scared to see what she'll see in his eyes when she does. two) she feels extra vulnerable with the only thing covering her body is the short skirt she wore tonight. it's not even on. she just has it over top of her body.
matt's voice cuts through the air, stopping her in her tracks. "wait," he says softly, his tone hesitant.
zara freezes, her heart pounding in her ears as she looks up to face him. matt stands by his drawer, his face flushed with embarrassment, avoiding her gaze as he pulls out one of his oversized shirts. without a word, he holds it out to her, his eyes fixed on the ground, his face flushed too.
zara can't tell if it's because he's trying to be respectful or if he's just repulsed by her now.
still grateful for the gesture, zara accepts the shirt with a quiet "thanks," her own cheeks warm as she slips it over her head. the shirt smells just like him and the fabric gives her a bit of a shield against the vulnerability of the moment.
as she heads towards the bathroom, zara can't help but notice the tension lingering in the air between them. matt's flushed face speaks volumes, mirroring her own conflicted emotions. with a heavy sigh, she offers him a small smile before slipping into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
in the quiet sanctuary of the bathroom, zara takes a moment to compose herself. she splashes some water on her face, trying to wash away the lingering feeling of his lips on it. as she cleans herself up, she can't help but replay the events of the night in her mind, each moment feeling more surreal than the last.
using the bathroom, she takes slow, deliberate breaths, trying to steady her racing heart. the gravity of what just happened weighs heavily on her, and she knows she can't avoid addressing it any longer. but as she stares at her reflection in the mirror, she feels just... uncertain. she likes matt, but she also knows about the kind of guy he is.
how is she supposed to approach this conversation? what if things between her and matt are never the same again?
with a shaky hand, she reaches for a brush she left her a while ago, trying to smooth out her disheveled hair in an attempt to regain some sense of normalcy. but with each stroke, her thoughts drift back to matt, in his room, waiting for her to return. she knows she can't hide in here forever. she has to face him eventually.
taking a deep breath, zara braces herself, summoning every ounce of courage she has left. she can do this. she has to. zara gathers her resolve and pushes open the bathroom door, then steps back into matt's room. a dim light is now turned on and zara can see things a lot clearer. especially matt.
matt's back is to her as he moves around the room, his figure silhouetted against the warm light. she notices him wearing a pair of sweatpants, hanging low on his waist, a sight that sends a shiver down her spine. he's not facing her, but she can see the muscles in his back flexing as he picks up her clothes, folds them neatly, and places them on top of a stand in the corner of the room.
he seems to moving as gingerly as she is and it makes her smirk a little.
closing the door behind her, zara takes a moment to compose herself, her eyes fixed on matt's broad shoulders. he turns around, a smirk playing on his lips as he catches sight of her. "was starting to think you weren't coming back," he says teasingly, his voice laced with amusement.
zara can't help but laugh, the tension between them easing slightly in the warmth of his smile. but as she looks closer, she notices the disheveled state of his hair, the strands in the front slightly damp. it's a small detail, but it just another reminder of the way she just had him under her.
"yeah, well, i couldn't stay away for too long," she replies, her voice soft but steady. she takes a step closer, closing the distance between them, her heart pounding in her chest. her body is betraying her, making her gravitate to him.
matt's smile widens at her words, and he reaches up to run a hand through his tousled hair, a nervous habit that she's come to recognize. "well thanks for coming back," he says, with a soft laugh.
zara's heart skips a beat at matt's words, her laughter fading into a nervous chuckle. "of course. for a few moments, they stand there in awkward silence, the tension between them thick enough for a knife. zara shifts on her feet, unsure of what to do next, her mind racing with a million different thoughts.
but then, before she can overthink it any further, matt breaks the silence, his voice soft and hesitant. "come here," he says, reaching out to her with an outstretched hand. he latches onto his shirt that's on her and tugs on it. zara doesn't even have the strengths in her leg to resist him, so she just allows him to pull her closer.
as he wraps his arms around her, zara can't help but notice the warmth of his body against hers. she feels a shiver run down her spine as his hand slips under the oversized shirt he gave her, his fingers relishing in the warmth of her skin.
instinctively, she places her hands on matt's bare chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath her fingertips. the scent of his cologne surrounds her, intoxicating and familiar, stirring something deep within her.
"you look good in my clothes," matt murmurs, his voice husky with emotion, his gaze intense as he meets her eyes. "and without them too but maybe that's a crazy statement."
zara feels like she forgets to breathe for a moment, a rush of desire coursing through her veins. she bites her lip, fighting to keep her composure, to resist the pull of temptation.
"definitely crazy," she replies. she knows that the line between friendship and something more has been blurred beyond recognition. she knows that matt has to know that too. she just wishes he would be the one to say something first.
as matt pulls her closer, zara can feel her resolve weakening. she gasps softly as his lips brush against her neck, sending electric currents dancing along her skin. zara's eyes flutter closed, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she leans into his touch.
"you're beautiful though," matt whispers against her skin, his voice husky with desire, his breath hot against her neck. he continues to pepper kisses along her neck, his lips leaving a trail of fire in their wake.
as much as zara wants to pull matt's lips to her's again, she knows they need to be serious, to talk about what just happened. she pushes gently against matt's chest, her voice firm but gentle. "matt," she says, her tone tinged with urgency. "we need to talk."
"talk about how great it was?" matt interrupts, a teasing glint in his eyes as he leans in closer, his hands still lingering under her shirt. "we could really just go again if you wanted."
zara can't help but laugh at his remark, but she pushes him away gently. "actually talk." matt sighs but he backs away, stretching his arms above his head, the movement causing his sweatpants to hang even lower on his waist.
as he stretches, zara can't help but notice the faint hint of his underwear peeking out from under his pants. she feels a blush creeping up her cheeks, her mind racing with a million different thoughts.
"alright," matt says as he sits down on the bed in front his zara. "let's talk."
zara takes a deep breath, trying to steady her racing heart as she gathers her thoughts. "what now?" she asks, her voice soft but steady, her eyes searching his for any sign of clarity. "we're friends who just... had sex. where do we go from here?"
matt's expression shifts, his playful demeanor fading as he meets her gaze.
"i don't know. i didn't expect this to happen," he admits. zara's heart drops because it is not sounding good at this moment. "but that doesn't mean i'm not glad it did."
matt is saying he's glad it happened but she's not sure he's glad for the same reasons she is.
"yeah, i agree," zara says softly "but we could just forget that this ever happened, if that's what you want."
matt's immediate response catches her off guard. he shakes his head with a laugh. "no," he says firmly, his gaze intense as he meets her eyes. "that's not what i want."
zara's heart skips a beat at his words, a rush of warmth flooding through her as she meets his gaze. "then what do you want?" she asks softly, her voice barely above a whisper. she's hoping that he'd just say he wants her, but that's really just wishful thinking.
matt's expression softens, his eyes searching hers for a long moment before he speaks. "i want whatever you want, zar," he says. "i care about you, and I don't want to mess this up. i don't want to mess our friendship up."
zara knows she shouldn't let herself hope, but she can't help but feel a glimmer of optimism at the possibility of something more between them.
"but hasn't our friendship already changed?" zara asks hesitantly.
matt's expression softens, his gaze gentle as he reaches out to take her hand in his. he pulls her close to him again so that she can be standing in between his legs, hovering over him. "maybe it has," he admits quietly. "but i don't think it's a bad thing."
"what do you want?" matt asks staring up at her like she's the one who holds all the cards.
zara's heart races as matt's eyes lock onto hers, and for a moment, she feels like the weight of the world rests on her shoulders. what does she want? the question hangs heavy in the air, and she knows that whatever she decides could change everything.
"i want... i want to do that again," she admits, her voice barely above a whisper. maybe she should've told him then how she really feels. maybe she should've told him that she wants him beyond this. but she doesn't. she's scared that matt won't be ready for it.
a smile tugs at the corners of matt's lips, relief flooding through his eyes. "i want to do it again too," he says softly, his voice filled with warmth. "let's not overthink it. if it's what we both want then let's just do it."
zara can't help but grin in response. "okay."
"okay." with a grin, matt pulls her down onto the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around her as they settle in together. "can we sleep now?" he asks softly, his gaze lingering on her face.
zara nods, a sense of contentment washing over her as she snuggles closer to him. "yes," she says softly. as they lie there together, zara turns to face matt, their eyes locking in the dim light of the room. a soft smile plays on his lips as he leans in, placing a gentle kiss on her lips.
"goodnight zar," matt says softly for only her ears to hear.
"goodnight matt."
VAL SPEAKS
i did NOT mean for this chapter to be this long but trust me when i say that next couple of chaps get crazy
wyd when i pull lowk toxic!matt out of the drafts (?)